Since the 1970s The Muppets have provided that rare breed of wholesome entertainment that truly caters to the whole family. Unfortunately, as is the case with so many cute and cuddly-looking creatures, getting close to one can be extremely dangerous.
Along with bats and raccoons, Muppets have been known to carry the rabies virus and spread it to humans. The fact that they can wear clothes, speak English, and perform sketch comedy actually makes them all the more dangerous, because these traits tend to make us forget they are wild animals.
Know the risks: After singing “Muppet Rabies” to the tune of “Muppet Babies” in your head a few times (because who could resist?) read this list of every Muppet ranked by the likelihood they are carrying this degenerative and deadly disease.
29. Robin the Frog
Don’t worry kids, there’s no chance Robin carries rabies. Rabies is spread through bites, and any attack that could transmit the disease would surely cause his frail young body to expire immediately. Yay!!!
28. Lips
Rabies is the last in a very long list of diseases you need to worry about Lips transmitting to you. If you’re wondering which disease he’s most likely to give you, just ask yourself “Why do they call him Lips?”
27. Zoot
He won’t give you rabies, but he’s one of the few people in the world who know firsthand that hepatitises go all the way up to Z.
26. Scooter
He’ll lie to you, steal from you, break your heart, Scooter will build you up just for the sick pleasure of knocking you down but no, he doesn’t have rabies.
25. Janice
Janice does not have rabies, and when she foams at the mouth and bites you she’s just having a manic episode.
24. Sweetums
If Sweetums had rabies it would be like if the Incredible Hulk had rabies. You would have heard about it is what I’m saying.
23. Clifford
Unlike his gregarious stage persona, Clifford is your classic Hollywood hypochondriac/shut-in type. During the production of Muppets Tonight he wouldn’t let anyone make eye contact with him let alone touch or bite him.
22. Statler and Waldorf
Oh, they have it, but they don’t have teeth anymore, so you’re good.
21. Lew Zealand
Lew belongs to two of the most likely groups to contract and transmit the rabies virus—Muppets and New Zealand carny folk.
20. Gene
He may have it, we’re not sure. No one he’s bitten has lived long enough to become symptomatic.
19. Fozzie Bear
Fozzie is the insufferable sort of road dog comic who would sleep with a rabid raccoon just to have a story to tell on stage. Fear of rabies is one of many valid reasons for avoiding him.
18. Kermit the Frog
Frogs aren’t known to transmit rabies, but they aren’t known to fuck pigs either. Who knows what biological terrors his unholy coupling with Miss Piggy could spawn?
17. Bobo the Bear
As a lifestyle influencer Bobo is always trying weird raw meat diets and shunning Western medicine. It’s only a matter of time before he chomps into the wrong roadkill, neglects to seek medical attention, and goes berserk.
16. Beauregard
He’s more or less Bobo’s handler, so if he doesn’t have it already he will soon.
Let’s face it, Warren’s knack for trouble and lack of ambition probably landed him in a perpetual cycle of entry-level retail jobs. He finally finds the role he was born for: as a security guard at Wal-Mart. He takes pleasure in busting shoplifters, harassing skateboarders, and screaming at old women who ring up their organic bananas as regular
Let’s be real, Mark’s perpetually stoned vibe and love for pop culture make him a perfect fit for a perpetually rotating roster of part-time retail gigs. He’s the eternal retail warrior, and his loyalty means he is probably still with Joe at the new Empire location that mainly sells Funko Pop! and other collectibles. He’s assistant manager now, but mostly just because hes been there for so long and is best at hiding that he’s dead inside.
Despite his laid-back demeanor, Joe’s love for music and the vibe of Empire Records is unmatched. He’s the type who’d still be behind the counter, recommending obscure vinyl records with a side of wisdom to any passerby. The physical location of Empire Records probably had to move out its lavish digs and into a run down strip mall around 2006, when digital took over. Joe is probably still there, all the more bitter, surrounded by anime action figures and any other physical media people actually buy nowadays.
Gina’s eye for style and ambition would have propelled her straight into the fashion industry, however she just can’t make it as a fashion designer. After a decade as a designer’s assistant, Gina will burn out and end up being a district manager for seven rue21 locations in suburban Dallas.
A.J.’s sensitive soul and artistic talents lead him to art school and living the bohemian dream. However, after trying to make it as a starving artist A.J. briefly goes back to his roots at Empire, but it felt like a high school football player trying to relive his glory days. He stays long enough to get a teacher’s certificate and now teaches art classes at a charter high school in Charlotte, NC.
Corey’s determination, ambition, and most importantly family connections, would have propelled her into a more prestigious career track. She’s now likely a high-powered lawyer, managing a team of associates. She is on Facebook but has ignored all friend requests from the Empire crew. She still texts with A.J. though… just in case.
Debra’s fiery spirit and determination to fight against the establishment would have led her on a path far away from the cash register. She’s now likely a prominent activist, leading protests and making documentaries. Her energy has waned as of late and she much prefers to spend time with her wife and horses in Ashville.
Let’s face it, Lucas was always destined for bigger things than a cash register. With his entrepreneurial spirit and penchant for risky schemes, he’s probably running his own tech startup now. While never outright discussed, it seemed that Lucas, who seemed to be estranged from his family, comes from money.
While not on the schedule to work on “Rex Manning Day” Eddie was still part of the team. Obviously, Eddie OD’d not long after the events of “Rex Manning Day” and the pizza parlor he worked at named a pie in his honor.
“What’s with all those extra strings clattering around on this one?” you may ask yourself while listening to “Freaked Out and Small”…well, good ears on you, my friend! This is indeed the only Presidents album played with actual guitars and basses (the excess of success had clearly gotten to these fellows!) This means that, good or not, for that reason, we must put it squarely last. C;mon, we just made a huge deal about their modified guitars in the intro paragraph, we you expect us to automatically betray our own writing like that? Shame on you! Sure is a nice looking poodle on the cover, though! That can’t be said for a lot of records, even the harshest critics (us) must admit!
For a quote-unquote “one-hit wonder” band, these fellas sure did crank out the good time rock ‘n roll straight on to the end of their run. In their final(?) full length, PotUSA takes the listener on a sonic ride that would be toward the top of this list if the rest of their output didn’t rule that much harder. If you’re down to clown around with these boys, then you’re in for a good time no matter what. On “Rooftops In Spain”, the band sounds like Dwayne’s group Scäb on Home Movies, and on pseudo science-tinged “Flea vs. Mite” gives the impression that they’re auditioning to be the understudies for They Might Be Giants, if the Johns ever came down with the flu.
Even though this is the first album without their classic lineup, this album lives up to its title for the most part. “These Are the Good Times” shows the band not letting the constraints of their reliable set-up not get in the way of great songwriting, and they play around with their set sound with new instruments invited to their tea party, like the addition of bold brass on “Sharpen Up Those Fangs” and breezy acoustic guitar on “Bad Times.” The Prezzes here are more akin to a looser, more party-ready version of Fountains of Wayne, and hey, they didn’t even have to write anything about being attracted to their classmate’s mother. On top of everything else, this one has “Loose Balloon,” one of the prettiest things these goofs have ever written.
PotUSA’s final album with their classic lineup including original “guitbass” player Dave Dederer (an 11-year term, not too shabby for a president!) “Love Everybody” oscillates seamlessly between tongue-in-cheek goofy stuff that would have those Ween boys green with jealousy, and more mainstream pop-punk that sounds like they’re trying to give Blink a run for their money. The Dennis-The-Menace-core “Poke and Destroy” especially dredges up the joy of being an elementary school boy, and is best listened to with a slingshot in your back pocket. This album is notable for some pretty amazing keyboard work that not only calls to mind their ’60s garage rock influences, but the best of Beck or the Beastie Boys.
It’s got “Lump.” It’s got “Peaches.” It’s even got a damn MC5 cover… folks, we’re in good hands here on PotUSA’s debut album. We imagine it certainly slapped a smile or two onto the youth of the country’s sullen grunge-drunk faces. And for that, we salute them a million times over. A whole record full of playful, driving rock that never crosses the line into straight up comedy, enforced by the fact that Weird Al had his way with “Lump” via “Gump.” He wouldn’t parody an already funny song, he’s too smart for that! The man’s got a degree in architecture, for god’s sake!
The answer to the question “Did they suffer a post-Lump slump?” is a resounding hell no. The Presidents barrel into their sophomore album with a cordial greeting in “Ladies and Gentleman Pt. 1” and then light a stick of dynamite that keeps blasting off until signing off with the exact same song at the end. Pretty baller move, and they pull it off quite convincingly! Songs like “Mach 5” and “Volcano” can’t help but worm their way into your subconscious – a pretty simple thing for a band who’s got so many songs about critters and crawlers, I suppose, but nevertheless: II is #1 in our book!
