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Punk Proud of Favorite Artist’s Sobriety Until He Credits It to God

NEW ORLEANS — Ian McSeamus, the infamous frontman of the punk band Ghost Chode, announced that he is celebrating six months of sobriety which drew a huge reaction until he attributed the accomplishment to his faith in Jesus Christ, confused sources confirmed.

“I was really happy the guy got clean, I know he’s had a lot of trouble over the years and if he kept going down this path he was going to be dead soon,” said longtime fan Dana Owens. “But the God thing really rubbed me the wrong way. Where was God the first time Ian overdosed because he shot too much junk into his scrotum? And I’m pretty sure this new sobriety has more to do with part of the plea deal he made after he was caught shitting in a Slurpee machine at a 7-Eleven after attempting to rob the place.”

The other members of Ghost Chode are split on whether or not this new religious influence is a positive thing for McSeamus.

“All that’s really changed for me is the pre-show meeting, we used to all huddle up and do as many shots of Jameson as humanly possible, now we huddle up and Ian leads us in prayer while I think about how much Jameson I want to drink,” said bassist, “Thirsty” Joe Barbano. “And he started hosting bible studies in the tour van, which sort of sucks because it attracts our dorkiest fans. I want to hang out with people who deal crank, not some 30-year-old loser who still has a bedtime But of course I can’t really say anything or Ian make me ride on the roof again.”

One music historian warned of the consequences realigning your beliefs may have on an artist’s staying power.

“It can be tough when you find God and clean themselves up,” shared Davey Belkin. “A lot of musicians and artists find religion late in their careers. Some are sober or religious and make great stuff, others fall off pretty hard. Look at Kanye West, Chance The Rapper, Alice Cooper, Dave Mustaine, even Beiber, all converted and put out some of their worst material. Almost as if a book telling you how to think and behave isn’t great for creativity. I’ve heard the labels have a phrase for it: “once you go Christ, career gets iced.” Not a lot of people saying, ‘Remember George Harrison’s Hare Krishna song? That should’ve been on “Abbey Road.”’ But hey, they can always do the state fair circuit around the Midwest.”

McSeamus also announced on Twitter he would no longer be performing the bands’ hit song “Christ Can Eat My Cock.”