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The Employees of “Empire Records” Ranked By How Likely They Are Still Working Retail

“Damn the man! Save the Empire!” These were the rallying cries of every spirited “teen” working at the fictional store in the film “Empire Records.” They all had such big dreams for their future. But truly, how many of these eclectic employees of the Tower Records-esque store are still toiling away in some form of retail? Join us as we revisit the quirky crew of “Empire Records” and rank their likelihood of still punching the clock at the register.

8. Warren

Let’s face it, Warren’s knack for trouble and lack of ambition probably landed him in a perpetual cycle of entry-level retail jobs. He finally finds the role he was born for: as a security guard at Wal-Mart. He takes pleasure in busting shoplifters, harassing skateboarders, and screaming at old women who ring up their organic bananas as regular

Odds of Still Working Retail: Alarmingly High

7. Mark

Let’s be real, Mark’s perpetually stoned vibe and love for pop culture make him a perfect fit for a perpetually rotating roster of part-time retail gigs. He’s the eternal retail warrior, and his loyalty means he is probably still with Joe at the new Empire location that mainly sells Funko Pop! and other collectibles. He’s assistant manager now, but mostly just because hes been there for so long and is best at hiding that he’s dead inside.

Odds of Still Working Retail: Highly Probable

6. Joe

Despite his laid-back demeanor, Joe’s love for music and the vibe of Empire Records is unmatched. He’s the type who’d still be behind the counter, recommending obscure vinyl records with a side of wisdom to any passerby. The physical location of Empire Records probably had to move out its lavish digs and into a run down strip mall around 2006, when digital took over. Joe is probably still there, all the more bitter, surrounded by anime action figures and any other physical media people actually buy nowadays.

Odds of Still Working Retail: Sadly High

5. Gina

Gina’s eye for style and ambition would have propelled her straight into the fashion industry, however she just can’t make it as a fashion designer. After a decade as a designer’s assistant, Gina will burn out and end up being a district manager for seven rue21 locations in suburban Dallas.

Odds of Still Working Retail: High

4. A.J.

A.J.’s sensitive soul and artistic talents lead him to art school and living the bohemian dream. However, after trying to make it as a starving artist A.J. briefly goes back to his roots at Empire, but it felt like a high school football player trying to relive his glory days. He stays long enough to get a teacher’s certificate and now teaches art classes at a charter high school in Charlotte, NC.

Odds of Still Working Retail: Unlikely

3. Corey

Corey’s determination, ambition, and most importantly family connections, would have propelled her into a more prestigious career track. She’s now likely a high-powered lawyer, managing a team of associates. She is on Facebook but has ignored all friend requests from the Empire crew. She still texts with A.J. though… just in case.

Odds of Still Working Retail: Doubtful

2. Debra

Debra’s fiery spirit and determination to fight against the establishment would have led her on a path far away from the cash register. She’s now likely a prominent activist, leading protests and making documentaries. Her energy has waned as of late and she much prefers to spend time with her wife and horses in Ashville.

Odds of Still Working Retail: Highly Unlikely

1. Lucas

Let’s face it, Lucas was always destined for bigger things than a cash register. With his entrepreneurial spirit and penchant for risky schemes, he’s probably running his own tech startup now. While never outright discussed, it seemed that Lucas, who seemed to be estranged from his family, comes from money.

Odds of Still Working Retail: Slim to None

Honorable Mention: Eddie 

While not on the schedule to work on “Rex Manning Day” Eddie was still part of the team. Obviously, Eddie OD’d not long after the events of “Rex Manning Day” and the pizza parlor he worked at named a pie in his honor.