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Surprising Study Finds Drivers from State Neighboring Your State Are the Worst Drivers

NEW YORK — An alarming scientific study has discovered that the absolute worst drivers in the US are almost exclusively from whichever state or states happen to border your own, road rage-addled sources confirmed.

“The impetus for the study came from my observation that whenever some dingus was tailgating or turning without a signal, they always had New Jersey plates. Then another researcher from New York expressed a similar frustration with Pennsylvania drivers,” said Dr. Tasha Martin. “We began testing by placing several mice in tiny little cars. Some rodents were given cheesesteaks and taught to shout ‘go birds’ at random intervals. Others were given Springsteen records and had their hair teased up with ungodly amounts of hair spray. Without fail, the mice began acting aggressively towards one another, making ‘jerk off’ motions with their paws and sometimes retrieving a cute little tire iron from their trunks and smashing another mouse’s windshield.”

Virginia Beach traffic cop Alan Myers knows firsthand the frustration of out-of-state drivers.

“I built much of my career harassing these piece of crap tourists. It’s so frustrating the way they come here in droves every summer and support small businesses,” said Myers. “Luckily for us, nailing these goons for moving violations because they don’t know our weird and arbitrary laws is easier than arresting a homeless guy for sleeping on a bench. Adjusting the radio volume without a broadcasting license? That’s a ticket. Counting to 3 seconds using ‘alligator’ instead of ‘Mississippi’ at a stop sign? That’s a ticket. Conducting a Chinese fire drill without notifying the PRC consulate? You guessed it, ticket.”

Sociologist Monica Villerael posits that this interstate tension is not limited to automobile traffic.

“Human beings are very tribal and seemingly ready to fight over any trivial thing – from sports fandom to opinions on who is the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time. It’s ridiculous though, as the obvious answer is ‘The Honky Tonk Man,’” said Villarreal. “But fighting among various states has always been present. Oklahoma hates Texas, Indiana hates Illinois, and of course, everyone hates California. Yet, only once has it actually boiled over into actual violence and destruction. That’s how we ended up losing the former US state of East Kentucky.”

Currently Dr. Martin is studying the alleged connection between pickup truck drivers and the inability to remove their heads from their own rectal cavities.