Opinion: I’m Like a Spy, but for Just This One Girl

Posted on by Jeff Bender

What do you think of when you hear the word “spy”? Do you picture an overcoated man with a fedora and steely gaze? A smoldering cigarette? A snub-nosed pistol? A smoking-hot babe at his side? 

Well, you’ve just pictured me — all but the overcoat part and the cigarette part. And the pistol part. And, recently, the babe part. I do work weird hours, though. 

I guess the only “important” difference between a real spy and me is that, where real spies take case after case, I only ever work with one target. You could say I’m the Jerry Maguire of espionage. 

My target? Let’s call her “Jen Wolf,” which is very much her real name. Jen and I broke up five weeks ago, and I suspect she’s pretty broken up about it, so I’ve been checking up on her to see if she’s okay. I sit before war memorials disguised as a wheelchaired veteran. I dive behind bushes. I get accidentally shut inside meat lockers. Last week I got stuck inside her nephew’s toy igloo. And I don’t even get paid! I guess I do it for the love of the game. 

My main concern is this: How’s Jen doing since the breakup? I’ve had other women obsess over me, lament our separation, and, once, even call me back. I always feel bad for these women—hence why I feel the need to constantly check up on old Jen. 

Like the other day, I spent eight hours inside a suit of armor at Jen’s work (she sells armor) just to catch a glimpse of her and overhear whether she’s finally moved on. That day I learned a valuable lesson: Thursday’s her day off. 

She did stop in, though, and mutter something as she passed, something like, “I know you’re in there, Carl,” and, “Give it up, buddy.” 

Questions remained. Who’s Carl? Why does he have the same name as I do? What did she mean by “give it up”? After some digging and phone calls, I discovered I’m “Carl.” Some might consider this “case closed,” but not me. I’m still on the hunt for the meaning of this seemingly harmless phrase “give it up,” which, in my opinion, is loaded with subtext. I think I’ll stay on the case awhile. 

Whoa, did I just say “on the case”? Holy cow . . . I think I’m becoming a real spy!

I’m definitely getting that overcoat. 

Dive Bar Unveils Safe Haven Drop Box for Unwanted Bassists  

Posted on by Doug Kolic

YUMA, Ariz. — Local dive bar The Rusty Splinter announced a new program to accept discarded bassists in a more humane way via a secure drop box, according to passersby who thought the bar was shut down by local health officials a long time ago.

“Today we are launching the country’s first safe haven drop box program specifically for unwanted bassists,” said bar owner Mark McGuffy. “After years of added expense trying to deal with all the abandoned musicians we’ve found hidden in and around our property, we were forced to create this new initiative in the hopes that bands would be a little more compassionate in how they threw away these unloved members. We made this decision out of compassion, and also because the authorities caught wind of our plan to cull them.”

Local bassist Trevor LeClare had mixed feelings about this new announcement.

“Don’t get me wrong, having a safe way for our community to be tossed out is important,” echoed LeClare’s voice from inside of a drop box. “But you know what’s an even better idea? Treating us with respect and not throwing us out like some street trash. I guess that’s too much to ask, and we should just be happy with the crumbs society throws our way. Hey, can you do me a favor and turn me over? I can’t feel my left arm.”

Inventor of the drop boxes, Henry Daru, explained the new program.

“My invention initially was exclusively for abandoned babies to be dropped off without judgement,” said Daru. “But we were quickly inundated with phone calls from business owners asking what they were supposed to do with some drunk off his ass bassist who was stashed in a coat room or under a pile of cardboard in their back alley. Now, nobody ever has to see these unwanted people again, especially after they’re picked up for collection and dropped off hundreds of miles away in the woods.”

At press time, the program was also set to announce a new partnership with local non-kill animal shelters where bassists would be given their own kennels with a nice green space to run.

Decade of Failure Rebranded as ‘Rough Patch’ for First Date

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

HOUSTON — Local man Lou Marling assured himself that his years of failure could be played off as no more than a “rough patch” during a firstdate with Samantha Kottke, confirmed sources.

“It’s been a full decade now since anything I tried went right,” said Marling while nervously scanning his banking app to confirm that he hadn’t overdrafted. “I’ve been fired, jailed, dumped. But that’s not the kind of résumé you want to bring to the table if you’re dating. No, what you want to do is give your ugly history a makeover. When I locked this in off Hinge, I decided to slap some lipstick on things. Taken collectively, they couldn’t not be described as a ‘rough patch,’ so here we are. I’ve also described my last five years of unemployment as ‘in between jobs.’”

Kottke is a long-time user of Hinge, where she’s seen her share of the good and the bad the app has to offer. 

“His profile looked alright, and he was up front about going through some things. I’ll dig in more when the time’s right,” said Kottke, who noted that Marling never mentioned having an ankle monitor when scheduling their dinner. “I assume it’s nothing major, as, if it was, there’s no way he’d just call it a ‘rough patch.’ Hinge has some fabulists, but the big liars you can usually spot.” 

Of course, some amount of exaggeration is par for course in the dating app era.

“While it’s never good to start a relationship with lies, for the guy who truly has nothing to offer, sometimes it’s a necessity,” said Denice Mobley, licensed couples therapist. “For the true down-and-out mess of a man, it’s important to shade massive screwups as ‘someone else’s fault,’ or ‘the universe laughing at you.’ Going big when you’re responsible for the nasty state of your life, while maybe not the foundation to build something lasting on, is the sort of thing that could lead to a second date, where the guy could maybe start to address the supreme cock up that is his day to day existence with a potential partner.”

At press time, Kottke was leaving, and Marling was seen crying into his hands, unable to keep it together long enough to convince her that his awful life was worth being part of for even a second longer.

Real Life Severance?: This Woman Got So High at Work She Forgot Who She Really Is

Posted on by Michael Palladino

Somebody call Harmony Cobel and Mr. Milchick, because apparently it’s not just the employees of Lumon Industries that get to live that “Severance” life!

Recently, 29-year-old barista April Morales performed something of a procedure on herself while working a shift at her local coffee shop. You see, this young lady has gotten so high at work that she literally cannot remember who she really is. It’s giving Season One Helly R. vibes, and we’re loving it!

While it’s not clear if April is a fan of the hit Apple TV series, or even aware of it, or even aware of anything, she is clearly all about that innie/outie life. So does her coffee shop have any weird and kooky secrets like Lumon Industries does? When asked, Morales replied through stifled laughter, “Dude, I lowkey don’t even know what this place is right now. Deadass.” After erupting into a full giggle fit, she composed herself and stated, “I know there’s coffee here, but is that like our whole thing? Cause coffee can be lots of places even if it’s not, like, the store’s main thing, right?” She then added, “Am I being weird right now?”

So what was “the procedure” like? Was it as invasive and creepy as the one on “Severance”? According to Morales, not at all. “I can’t remember all the details of how it worked, obviously. All I know is it had something to do with the walk-in freezer and the one girl who works in the back and likes to play Sublime on the Bluetooth speaker.”

So what about her “outie”? Does April have any idea what her life is like? After a long quizzical stare at the ceiling that went on so long that we had to ask if she was alright, she replied, “Yeah, I mean, she gets high as fuck, right? She sounds cool to me then, I guess.”

Like we said, major Helly R. vibes!

Mega Man Gains Ability To Rap After Defeating Method Man 

Posted on by Bobby Korec

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. — Local video game protagonist Mega Man gained the ability to rap after defeating Wu-Tang Clan member Method Man, confirmed sources who had previously witnessed the hero beat the ever-living shit out of Michelin Man. 

“I had just been fresh off vanquishing Gemini Man and Magnet Man that morning when I figured I’d go for the hat trick,” said Mega Man while attempting to grab a door handle with his right arm before remembering his appendage is made up entirely of a cannon. “Method Man was a formidable opponent. He spit fire and dropped bars at me at a blazingly fast rate, but nevertheless he couldn’t withstand the power of my charge shots and tactical slides. And get this. Now I can rap all of ‘36 Chambers’ innately. Not to mention, I just won first place in a freestyle rap competition. This is easily one of the best abilities I’ve absorbed. It’s way better than this dumbass leaf shield I attained after annihilating Wood Man years ago.”

Members of Wu-Tang Clan had to quickly find a backup for Method Man.

“If you conquer a member of Wu-Tang, you’re automatically in the group. That’s how Sonic the Hedgehog got in. He defeated Ol’ Dirty Bastard,” said RZA. “Thankfully, we haven’t lost a step since Mega Man joined. He’s actually rapping all of our parts and he’s never out of breath, so we can just sit back and enjoy the show. Plus, that arm cannon comes in really handy. For instance, he was able to scare off the squirrels that were chewing on my outdoor patio furniture. Mega Man rules, despite being slightly cruel towards animals.”

Arch nemesis Dr. Wily wasn’t too worried with Mega Man’s newfound rap skills.

“That dude has gained 86 other abilities and yet here I am still doing my thing,” said Dr. Wily while shaving the middle part of his scalp. “Yeah, I said it. Come at me, Mega Man. And don’t forget that you still have to defeat Redman after taking care of Kool-Aid Man. Maybe then he’ll have enough abilities to thwart this 57-year-old scientist, who stands at a towering 4’7” tall. Genius prevails!”

At press time, Mega Man gained the ability to write psychedelic indie rock songs after defeating Portugal. The Man.

Trust Fund Hipsters Return To Ancestral Coachella Grounds to Mate

Posted on by Ben Friedman

INDIO, Cali. – As the sun broke over the mountains of the Coachella Valley this morning, thousands of first-day festival attendees were lucky enough to witness the annual migration of trust fund hipsters returning to their ancestral ground in order to mate, local conservation officers have confirmed.

“Just as sea turtles and salmon return to their birthplace to begin the circle of life anew, so do hipsters return to the Coachella festival grounds in the hopes of finding someone to fuck during the Strokes’ set, so as to keep their generational wealth in the family,” said park ranger Stephanie Porter. “It’s truly a miracle watching several thousand lazy, entitled assholes who all allege they made skinny jeans popular and used to model for American Apparel throw money they didn’t earn around in the hope of impressing potential mates by loudly talking about what their dads do for work.”

Coachella staffers were also ready to ensure another successful mating season.

“We have to carefully plan out which bands will attract the ‘I heard of them first’ crowd to induce breeding. I’ll never forget when LCD Soundsystem headlined in 2016 and saw the sheer number of headlights of the incoming hipsters’ Teslas appear over the horizon,” said production manager Scott Ballard. “And once they’re here, we let their mating rituals play out naturally. That means absolutely not giving them molly or Velvet Underground records. They have to forage it themselves.”

Despite the successful migration, conservationists warned hipsters may soon be an endangered species. 

“Branded content and social media clout will draw them back every year, but their numbers have been declining over the past decade. The encroaching Gen Z species of hipsters certainly look and act like they invented thrifting band tees, but many couldn’t name a single Pavement album, let alone convince anyone to come back to their family’s beach house in Malibu,” said Dr. Mary Thurgood. “If they fail to produce enough offspring this festival season, Coachella’s entire ecosystem will collapse, and they’ll be forced to see Geese at some shitty festival in Alabama or something

As of press time, concertgoers stood in awe as a herd of hipsters magestically stampeded toward the Gobi Stage upon hearing a beautiful heiress with a coke hookup personally knew the guys in Joyce Manor. 

The Next Jello Biafra? High School Kid Juggles Jazz Band, Marching Band, Wind Ensemble, and Side Project With the Melvins

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

When high school student Chad Toffy is not designing zines mocking his gym teacher for supporting ICE or distributing underground newspapers blasting Montesano High School administrators for their complicity in what he calls “the evils of the Standardized Testing Industrial Complex,” the sophomore trumpet player devotes his seemingly boundless reserves of creative energy to music. 

And according to sources who have witnessed his frenetic performances with his school’s jazz band, marching band, wind ensemble, and a side project with sludge metal legends the Melvins, Toffy may just be the next Jello Biafra.

Montesano High Jazz Band Director Sam Robinson attested to Toffy’s musical chops, while acknowledging that his mischievously confrontational approach to political activism has made Toffy some enemies amongst the band program’s booster club. 

“I’ve never worked with a young trumpet player who was as quick a study of Miles Davis pieces,” Robinson said, “And yet, Chad’s melodramatic grandstanding rubs some people the wrong way. I suppose his prolific musical output and penchant for pranksterism are what remind aging punks in our community of the former Dead Kennedys frontman. He could have just quietly refused to sell fruit snacks for the marching band’s Disneyland trip fundraiser without live-streaming his 3-day hunger strike. But he wanted to protest band kids being coerced into what he feels are exploitative schemes that normalize child labor.”

Bill Wesley, the father of a Montesano High senior who is a member of the school’s drum line, hopes to get Toffy to join his son’s punk band, Three Chord Monte.

“I couldn’t understand how some fifteen-year-old kid got hooked up with the Melvins, but when I saw his marching band arrangement of ‘Honey Bucket’ had students moshing in the bleachers at the homecoming football game, I realized this little dude is a badass,” Wesley said. “But if he’s really his generation’s Jello Biafra, he should be doing gigs with more than just four bands. Besides, right now, the country could use a new rendition of ‘Nazi Punks Fuck Off’ with a wicked ear-piercing trumpet solo!”

At press time, Toffy announced he may take a hiatus from his school’s music program during his junior year to embark on a spoken word tour. 

Trump Threatens Cuba With US-Style Health Care

Posted on by Doug Kolic

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump warned Cuba that if they didn’t immediately capitulate to all his demands, he would destroy the island by unleashing deadly US-style health care upon it, sources close to the White House reported.

“If Cuba doesn’t want to be obliterated like nobody’s been obliterated before, they will dump their loser commie government and hand over all their resources like those tasty papayas, beautiful nickel, and scrumptious cobalt,” said an unhinged Trump. “Otherwise, I’ll have to invoke the nuclear option and send an army of our top health care CEO’s down there to straighten everything out. Cuba’s a failed nation. They have no money, they have no oil, they have nothing. If they don’t smarten up, they’ll soon face imminent annihilation from high drug prices and unsustainable insurance premiums and deductibles that Americans know too well.”

Local Cuban Jose Diaz chimed in with his opinion on the threat.

“There’s only one thing my proud people fear more than American military might, and that’s their so-called health care system,” said the 70-year-old man who just returned from a doctor’s appointment without having to pay a penny. “We’ve heard horror stories from our relatives in the US about how many people die because they cannot afford simple medicine at an affordable price, because their wonderful capitalist system allows those companies to make billions while everyone else suffers. I’d much rather take our chances with their war machine, especially since they put that drunk pendejo from Fox News in charge.”

Political pundit Casey DeMieux pontificated how future US conflicts could capitalize on this.

“The US should definitely lean into this,” said DeMieux. “Instead of trying to bend the will of the world using its Apaches, Tomahawks, or fleet of advanced warships, it seems a much more effective strategy would be for America to intimidate its enemies by threatening to export classic American culture that the world would truly be horrified to see take root in their countries, like for-profit hospitals, the prison-industrial complex, or their unholy desire to put Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in a taco.”

At press time, an impatient Trump doubled down the rhetoric by suggesting he could also send Linda McMahon to Cuba to instill a US-style education system. 

Millennial Blows Life Savings on Three Boxes of Magic Spoon

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LAFAYETTE, Ind. — Millennial Scott Eardner momentarily lost himself in his local Fresh Thyme and spent his entire life savings on three boxes of Cocoa Protein Magic Spoon cereal, sources report.

“Oh God, what have I done?” Eardner wailed. “I’ve been saving what little money I could for the past 10 years for an emergency or a rainy day, and I just blew it all on some ludicrously overpriced cereal that tastes like mildly sweetened sawdust. Ugh, it’s going to take me years to re-save all of it. I work full-time as both a barista at Starbucks and a server at TGI Fridays, so I’m struggling just to pay for my rent and keto-friendly, protein packed cereals, and not to mention all the school loans I have from the degree in Chemistry from Northwestern that didn’t yield me anything in the job market. Clearly I need to make smarter financial investments in my breakfast foods.”

Cashier Brad Carson reacted to what he saw.

“This guy comes in every week, and his socks with sandals combo indicates he isn’t a big spender,” Carson said. “He’s a frequent couponer, and often seems like he’s penny pinching. No shade, because it’s not like I’m making huge money myself. I was just surprised when I saw him walking up to the checkout with three boxes of Magic Spoon, because that shit is so unbelievably expensive and not even really that good. Honestly, he should’ve just bought himself some Golden Grahams. AI or global warming is likely going to kill us within the next couple decades, so it’s not like there’s a reason to watch what we’re eating, you know?”

Economist Luisa Villareal weighed in on the situation.

“I’ve been seeing so many inordinately expensive ‘health foods’ hitting the market recently,” Villareal provided. “It’s unclear how these companies are able to stay afloat, because so few people these days have the money to afford them. Also, I’m no nutritionist, but I can’t imagine the proposed health benefits of these brands managing to outweigh the harm that the stress of living in our late-stage capitalism hellscape is putting on millennials. People in their 30s and 40s aren’t able to eat healthy and afford to retire in a few decades. You simply can’t have both.”

At press time, Eardner had drained his IRA so he could buy three 12-packs of Poppi soda.

CVS Employee Who Unlocks Embarrassing Ointments Never Forgets a Face

Posted on by Cam Berkowitz

LOS ANGELES — Martin Espinosa, a local CVS employee tasked with unlocking the store’s glass cases containing creams, ointments, and other topicals for the embarrassing conditions of self-conscious customers, confirmed that he never forgets a face.

“Unfortunately, I do have a mental catalogue of everyone who’s ever come into the store seeking treatment for rashes, sores, or infectious skin conditions,” said Espinosa. “To be honest, it’s really starting to interfere with my daily life. Like I’ll be at a Starbucks miles away and be like, shit, the barista making my cortado is on his second round of over-the-counter jock itch treatment. I assume he’s washing his hands regularly, but how can I really know? I actually saw a brain specialist last week. He said that medical science hasn’t yet discovered a way for me to get rid of the mental images of everyone who’s asked me to unlock the Valtrex. In a way, this is my personal herpes.”

Customers were disappointed to learn that their lowest moments had been permanently branded in Espinosa’s memory.

“I finally worked up the courage to do something about this fungal thing I’ve been dealing with,” said shopper Corbin Dalbow, who has been a CVS ExtraCare member since 2013. “I had to remind myself that nobody at the store cares enough to judge me — I’m just another forgettable face during their shift. Everyone’s too caught up in their lives to worry about what I’m doing, right? But now you’re telling me this guy is like the Rain Man of rash cream? What are the chances? He should be working for the police or something.”

CVS refused to fire Espinosa, despite significant backlash from dermatological patients across the country. 

“We are committed to fostering inclusive workplaces across our 9,000 retail locations,” said CVS spokesperson Joanne Greyson. “In accordance with federal law, we can’t deny employment to someone just because they mentally log the distinct facial features of everyone who comes in with disgusting warts on their balls. We will continue to support Mr. Espinosa and all the other freaky little goons who make minimum wage ensuring the good stuff stays locked up and out of the hands of violent, STD-ridden shoplifters.”

At press time, Espinosa confirmed that his talent only works in the skin treatment aisle, after he failed to recall a single distinguishing feature of his girlfriend’s best friend.