10 Freakfolk Songs That Will Make You Want to Take Part In Ritual Sacrifice This Summer

Posted on by Elanna White

Ah, summer. Many people may deem October as the spooky month but there’s something mystically carnal about the warm season. Something that makes you want to take your clothes off and run through the woods under a full moon. So here are 10 freak folk bangers to play this summer that will make you want to take part in ritual sacrifice.

Jessica Pratt “Bushel Hyde” 

Featuring the first witchy-voiced human on this list, “Bushel Hyde” by Jessica Pratt is a serene tune about a lost realm. Listening to Pratt’s ghostly voice delicately sing “Words mean more than they did before in that other place” will be sure to have you translating an ancient tongue in a cave somewhere forbidden.

Julia Brown “I Wanna Be A Witch” 

Comprised of Teen Suicide alums, the obscure and now defunct band, Julia Brown seemed to often sing about the occult. “I Wanna Be A Witch” is a song about wanting to get high with your lover in your bedroom during a rainstorm and one can only imagine the closet shrines and blood oaths that would ensue.

Animal Collective “Leaf House”

By the band that practically invented the genre, “Leaf House” by Animal Collective will leave you in a trance. A song about a long-forgotten house and the creatures that could inhabit it if only things were different, its ritualistic melodies will have you searching for your new familiar.

Timber Timbre “Demon Host” 

An eerie folk tale disguised as a simple tune, “Demon Host” by Timber Timbre will chill you to your core. A song about a person grappling with the existence of what we cannot see, this track will surely be a hit at your solstice seance.

Best Friends Forever “Ghost Song” 

Perhaps the most freak punk leaning of this list, “Ghost Song” is a song by the fairly unknown Best Friends Forever about falling deeply, madly and lustfully in love with a specter. It features the exquisite phrase, “ghost baby daddy,” I mean what else is there to say?

Alex G “Poison Root” 

A song rich with banjos and fiddles, “Poison Root” by Alex G is hypnotizing yet simple story-wise. You find a poison root deep in a wood, put it in your tea and voila! Now you know everything.

Joanna Sternberg “You Have Something Special” 

From rising indie folk darling, Joanna Sternberg, “You Have Something Special” is a song about pushing back against those who’ve done you harm. A simple piano tune set to some heart wrenching lyrics, you won’t be able to get this one out of your head as you snip the pigtail off your enemy and skip home to start that revenge curse.

Modest Mouse “Dancehall” 

The most chaotic on the list, “Dancehall” by Modest Mouse is sure to be a hit during any summertime bacchanalia. High energy and guttural, this song will leave you craving the food and mirth of the fairy realm while you pirouette through the night.

Attic Abasement “A Werewolf”  

Haunting and minimalist, “A Werewolf” by Attic Abasement is a song about succumbing to the beast within. With lyrics that include “Try to tear it into the day and we could colonize the night” this track will have you howling at the moon.

Joanna Newsom “Peach Plum Pear”  

The coup de grace by the queen of the genre herself, “Peach, Plum, Pear” by Joanna Newsom has it all. Is it the slightly out of tune harpsichord or the layered vocals that resemble a children’s chorus? Or perhaps the imagery of sweet stone fruit matched with galloping at sunset? Either way, “Peach, Plum, Pear” will make your bloodletting ceremony the event of the summer and the talk of the coven for years to come.

Mumford & Sons Top Fan Badge Not the Kind of Achievement Man Was Hoping For

Posted on by Rob Ryder

ARLINGTON, Va. – Tyler Rustman, a promising 28-year-old professional with endless potential was handed a sudden jolt of reality when he received a ‘Top Fan’ invitation from Mumford & Sons on Facebook, confirmed multiple disappointed sources.

“My life has been nothing but hard work, I’ve busted my ass and thought I was moving up in life,” said Rustman while visibly holding back tears. “I really felt like everything was going my way, a great job, awesome car, a condo in the hottest neighborhood in town. Usually my notifications are just invitations to club openings or old friends. But no, it was something I could’ve never imagined. A Mumford & Sons Top Fan badge. I couldn’t believe it. It made me question every decision I’ve ever made, whether it be in real life or online. I’ve been in a fog for days.”

Mumford & Sons Webmaster Greg Chen, who was tasked with boosting the band’s online presence, says Top Fan badges have been a hard sell.

“Other pages I’ve managed are using a specific algorithm to pick Top Fans, typically based on comments, likes, and interaction with ads. For us, that threshold is pretty low. The average interaction with this page seems to be people who accidentally click the band’s name in a festival lineup. Once our page is on your screen you have about 10 seconds to click away before we get you.” said Chen. “When I accepted this job I figured it would be a challenge, but Jesus, I had no clue.”

Upon realizing his situation, Rustman immediately called his Life Coach, Courtney Burns, who has mentored him since his arrival in the Washington D.C. area.

“When Tyler first reach out to me I seriously thought he had murdered a prostitute. But this… this is way worse. I’ve seen people bounce back from a lot of shit, but this would take one hell of a magic trick to recover. This will be stapled to every job application he turns in for the rest of his life,” said Burns. “I have pretty strict rules for my mentees and I pick winners…I pick those who really will succeed in this town. I have occasionally worked with some pretty shady people, even a few Creed fans. But even I have a limit.”

At press time, sources stated Rustman was desperately trying to remove Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin” from his 15-year-old iPod Nano, just in case.

5 Best Tips on How to Politely Tell Your Siblings To Stop Having Children

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Okay, let me address the fact that the headline you clicked to read this article may have sounded a little harsh. But we also said, “Politely Tell Your Siblings to Stop Having Children,” so don’t be such a thin-skinned whiny crybaby.

And that’s what we’re here to talk about: babies. Or the lack thereof.

You certainly love your brother and/or sister, and the nieces and/or nephews they have given you. But you know you can’t in good consciousness cheer on the fact that they need more. Or maybe they don’t have any at all, and are thinking about bringing a child into this world for the first time? Here are some nice, simple ways to let them know how awful of an idea that is.

Is It Really Feasible to Have More Kids in This Economy?
Listen, you just want what’s best for your potential niece or nephew, and your brother’s salary as manager of the golf department at Dick’s Sporting Goods probably isn’t going to provide the means for a life they truly deserve.


It Sucks, But Having More Kids Means Less Time to Do Stuff You Want to Do.
Remember the next great screenplay you always wanted to write? Well, you can throw that, along with any other creative endeavors you’ve wanted to do, right into the shitter. That is, unless you have some sort of creative spark 18 years down the road, but at that point it’ll just be sad.

Ugh, Can You Imagine Never Being Able to Sleep Soundly Ever Again?
This one’s a no-brainer. Sleep is the best thing ever on this planet, arguably even more so than finger foods and malt liquor. Remember all those horrible sleepless nights you had with your first child? Is having another one worth looking like, and acting like shit towards everyone because you’re sleepy all the time? For the sake of everyone in this family, please say it’s not.

Having Children is Not Good for the Health of Our Planet.
More kids mean more dirty diapers. More dirty diapers means more junk stuffed into some massive garbage mound that sticks out of this island we call Earth like a festering ass boil. It’s really up to parents to help reduce the human race’s carbon footprint, and a few used condoms are much less detrimental to our planet’s health than an entire human carbon footprint.

What If They Grow Up to Be a Serial Murderer? Wouldn’t That Suck?
I don’t know about you, but I’d feel terrible if my son or daughter grew up to be the next Hillside Strangler. Imagine being the parent of the subject of some dork’s true crime podcast 40 years down the road. Is that little bundle of joy truly worth that risk? Something every potential parent with a conscience should ask themselves.

Rob Zombie Assures Carvana Rep that Dragula Worth More than $5,000

Posted on by Ben Friedman

KENT, Conn. — Film director and musician Rob Zombie reportedly lost his temper with a representative of Carvana when he was offered a paltry $5,000 for his beloved Dragula, neighbors confirmed.

“The last few movies didn’t so do hot so I have to offload some of my cars, but there is no way I’m taking beater car money for the fucking Dragula. You see these vintage gaslights on the side doors? That’s not stock man, I had a guy in Romania custom install those and that alone was two grand,” said Zombie. “I thought Carvana employed car experts, but this dork is standing in front of a one-of-a-kind Model T and acting like it’s a 1997 Honda Civic. It’s barely been driven, it’s got only 666 miles on it. Anything less than $40,000 and he’s getting locked in my basement.”

Greg Phillips, the Carvana representative who came to inspect the car, explained that their offer was based solely on the condition of the car and not its esteem.

“To be fair, we were initially prepared to pay much more based on what he filled out on the form. I understand Mr. Zombie’s reverence for this car, famous as it is. But from a financial standpoint it is literally Frankensteined together from vehicles that no longer exist. On top of that, there seems to be multiple body-sized dents on the hood, obvious evidence of unsavory peoples fucking in the backseat, and the windshield wipers are shot,” said Phillips. “While I am about two seconds away from shitting my pants in fear of the aura this car is giving off, I have to stand by our initial offer of five thousand dollars. Anything more and my supervisor will throw a shitfit.”

Used vehicle experts say that a vehicle’s acclaim does not always equate to being valuable.

“We get a lot of private collectors who think they’re sitting on a hefty payday, but their judgment is usually clouded by nostalgia. I’ve seen lots of Deloreans and Ecto-1s, but I’ve seen even more Herbie the Love Bugs and General Lees’. You know, cars no rational person would ever drive,” said Kelly Blue Book assessor Wendy Smith. “Most of them end up being clunkers anyway, especially the Dragula as it looks like it’s been to hell and back. Don’t get me wrong, it looks absolutely badass. But there really isn’t a market for an evil Munster Mobile.”

After hours of negotiating, Carvana agreed to pay Zombie $20,000 for the Dragula if he also threw in the Cadillac from the “Thunder Kiss ‘65” video.

Every Cave In Album Ranked

Posted on by Trevor Graham

In the late ‘90s, basic metalcore started to evolve into something else with more intricate songwriting, odd-time signatures, and even some actual musicianship. The heavy hitters in the scene were the three big C’s – Converge, Coalesce, and Cave In (The fourth on the Mount Rushmore of ‘90s mathcore being either Botch or Dillinger Escape Plan, we’ll let you argue it out in the comments. Also: MotherFUCK the actual Mount Rushmore.) And while Cave In diverged off the metal path, they quickly formed their own unique sound with undeniable musical creativity and talent. We spent a lot of sleepless nights (actually just one night) getting sucked into the event horizon of their impressive spacey catalog and have emerged on the other side as an enlightened celestial being ready to share our knowledge. (P.S. Stop using Mt. Rushmore as an example of good things.)

7. Antenna (2003)

Neckbeard-y hot take incoming: This is the least Cave In sounding Cave In album. How many times have you seen this story? Band known for a certain sound gets signed to major label, releases a too-polished, overly-produced album that does not appeal to wider middle America audience while simultaneously alienating their core fans. “But… but… isn’t this their most popular album?” Yes, and “The Phantom Menace” was the highest-grossing movie of all time until “Avatar” came out and those are both terrible.

Play it again: “Seafrost” and “Breath of Water” These actually sound like outtakes from “Jupiter”
Skip it: “Penny Racer” We bet some record label exec told them they needed an alt radio-friendly hit and they tried to eek one out.

6. Final Transmission (2019)

This is a mixed bag of unfinished demos that possibly never got to be refined due to the sudden death of bassist Caleb Scofield. There are still great moments here though, some with an understandably somber tone. On “Shake My Blood” the band’s love of Failure is put on full display. Given time this could’ve been one of their best releases.

Play it again: “Shake My Blood” and “Winter Window”
Skip it: “Lanterna” Sounds like a first draft of something that needed some rewriting

 

5. Heavy Pendulum (2022)

Ok, let’s start with the good news. Cave In are still active and put out an album in 2022, Nate Newton from Converge, Jesuit, and Doomriders amongst others is now playing bass and doing the screaming vocals, the first two songs are absolute ragers. Things start to get a little hit-or-miss afterward though. It’s tough to put on our finger on it but something just feels off in some of these songs. You know like when the cast of an old TV show does some hamfisted reunion and you can just tell everyone is just tired and maybe a little strung out? It’s kinda like that.

Play it again: “New Reality,” “Blood Spille,r” and “Careless Offering.” Too bad there aren’t more songs like these
Skip it: “Waiting For Love” The riffs are there but man, the whole thing just makes us uncomfortable

4. Perfect Pitch Black (2005)

After their brief stint on major label RCA, Cave In spent a year or so licking their wounds from the experience and returned to their home on Hydra Head and to a sound closer to what many fans remembered. They rediscovered the heavier metalcore sound mixed with the spacey operatic elements while dialing up the experimental weirdness a bit. Most bands after their big-time record deal falls apart typically break off to do self-indulgent solo projects or even worse, form a “supergroup.” Luckily they were able to course-correct here though and avoid the cringey burnout phase.

Play it again: “Trepanning” Fuck yeah
Skip it: “Tension in the Ranks” Uh-oh, was this leftover from “Antenna”?

Honorable Mention: Beyond Hypothermia (1998)

Not included in the ranking since it isn’t a studio album but a collection of their first hardcore-era 7”s and various songs from compilations with a revolving door of vocalists. Most of these songs were written while the band was still in high school which is astonishing when you think about how most high school bands sound like the inside of a Guitar Center on some kind of “play all of our instruments at once” day.

Play it again: “Crossbearer” We dare you to find a hotter opening song
Skip it: “Crambone” Or at least skip the first 8 minutes until the Metallica medley starts

3. White Silence (2011)

For many die-hard followers of Cave In, this was their least favorite release on first listen. But just like how George Costanza was able to get a woman to be interested in him by repeatedly dropping a little earworm “Cuh-STAN-za,” this started to grow on people also. (Seinfeld references are still relevant, right?) They went to a weirdo realm on this but kept that shit heavy. Stephen Brodsky takes a bit of a backseat on vocals here and lets Scofield’s screams do the heavy (pun intended) lifting.

Play it again: “Vicious Circles”
Skip it: “Iron Decibels” We appreciate it but, nah

2. Jupiter (2000)

A year prior to “Jupiter” Cave In released the “Creative Eclipses” EP which teased out a new direction the band was heading in musically. “Jupiter” picks up right where “Eclipses” left off and yes, the mosh parts and the screaming were gone but what was left was something entirely new. And much like its namesake Jupiter, the album feels like a massive presence with weight that draws you into its orbit of celestial violence and beauty. (Dear reader, please submit the last line of this blurb to the fine folks who hand out the Pulitzer Prize, they are going to shit themselves.)

Play it again: “Big Riff”
Skip it: Trying to get all Pitchfork-y in your album reviews

1. Until Your Heart Stops (1998)

We’re ending this ranking with their first album which probably seems like we’re just being lazy in our writing but (need joke here). After burning through a few frontmen, the group became a four-piece and Brodsky took over vocal duties on both singing and screaming for the first and only time. Not many in the mathy metalcore genre of the time could’ve pulled off an ambitious 8-minute epic space odyssey like “The End of Our Rope is a Noose” without it being a catastro-fucking-phe but Cave In sure did it.

Play it again: The whole thing – even the “Segue” songs
Skip it: Being a lazy Hard Times writer who can’t even end a review without (need another joke here)

These 20 Metal Albums Turn 40 This Year, So If You Can Remember When They Were Released You Need to Schedule A Colonoscopy

Posted on by Chris Bowen

1983 was a monster year for heavy metal. It’s arguably the most important year for the entire genre. Why? Mainly because of the fact it’s the year a colossal number of iconic and influential metal records were unleashed onto its bloodthirsty fanbase.

You might be saying, “1983? That was like, 100 years ago!” And if you are saying that, you’re wrong because it was only 40 years ago. Regardless of how wrong you are, the majority of these classic records have, and will continue to stand the test of time. Whether you’re an old 50-something head who “was there MAAAAN,” or a “30-something poser” because you weren’t there, such as myself, this list of 20 metal masterpieces turning 40 years old in 2023 should be celebrated by every headbanger.

Dokken “Breaking the Chains”

Although not their best album, Dokken’s first record “Breaking the Chains” is a fantastic debut by THE band your drunk, mulleted uncle who reeks like Camel Unfiltered cigarettes is most certainly still “rockin” like.

 

Slayer “Show No Mercy”

Before leaving Hell in the spring of 1983, Slayer allegedly told Satan,”Sorry we can’t stay, but we have to release one of the greatest heavy metal records ever recorded, but we’ll be sure to visit!” And they did (not sure about visiting Lucifer).

 

Metallica “Kill Em’ All”

The birth of thrash metal? One of Metallica’s only four good albums? Metallica’s only good album? Just a bunch of Diamond Head riffs turned up at 100 mph? Whatever you say about Metallica’s iconic first record, you must admit it’s pretty essential.

 

Saxon “Power and the Glory”

Even though Saxon has many albums under their belt, 83’s “Power and the Glory” is considered to be their last “great album.” Speaking of great, Biff Byford is one of the coolest, most humble people in classic metal. Now that’s a guy you just want to share a pint and eat tinned tomatoes with, or something.

Dio “Holy Diver”

Come on, it’s fucking Dio. Holy Diver?! Do I really need to say anything else here? Rainbow in the Dark? Come on! Dio?! He did the hand….thi…the…hand, he did metal fingers!! That was Dio!

 

Accept “Balls to the Wall”

Accept comes from the country of Germany, which in my opinion, had the best heavy metal bands of the entire 1980s. Accept being one of them. Also one more thing: the little stunt dummy of Udo Dirkschneider riding the wrecking ball in the “Balls to the Wall” video.

 

Raven “All for One”

NWOBHM legends Raven put out arguably their best record in 1983. That’s really saying a lot considering how great their catalog is. Plus even them being in their 50s, to this day, they make bands half their age look like U2 in comparison.

 

Battleaxe “Burn This Town”

Awesome album from the year of 1983, with an album cover that looks like it was done by a 3-year-old. But there’s a certain charm to it, no? Yeah, I know the answer is no, but the album deserves a spot on this list regardless!

 

Mercyful Fate “Melissa”

Mercyful. Fucking. Fate. “Melissa” is one of those, “So glad this album exists” albums. Plus the title track is about an actual human skull King Diamond owned that was stolen from him. Happy birthday Melissa,*whispering* if you’re still with us.

 

Motörhead “Another Perfect Day”

In 1983, Brian Robertson of Thin Lizzy joined Lemmy and crew to make Motörhead’s most unique album at that time. I heard they kicked him out of the band because he always wore funny pants.

 

Iron Maiden “Piece of Mind”

“You Take My Life, Well I’ll Take Yours Too!” Words penned by one of metal’s greatest bands to help every 9th-grade student in AP history class remember what the fuck the Crimean War was.

 

Torch “S/T”

Sweden is known the world over for two things: one, their meatballs, and two, the band Torch. Actually, that might just be me. But at any rate, check out this record if you’re unfamiliar with it.

 

Trance “Power Infusion”

Not a super well-known record by any means, and that’s tragic. The album cover has a dude shooting up his arm with a Marshall amp head. In a perfect world, that cover would be on our nation’s flag, in a perfect world.

 

Exciter “Heavy Metal Maniac”

Speed metal kings from Canada Exciter are just one of maybe 10,000 metal bands who borrowed their name from a Judas Priest song. Essential listening.

 

Thin Lizzy “Thunder and Lightning”

Now, I’m not much into the idea of dying, or even the idea of climbing any sort of hill, but Thin Lizzy is THE greatest band of all time, and that’s a hill I am 100% willing to die on. And when the buzzards pick my rotting corpse apart on said hill, I’ll be fine so long as “The Sun Goes Down” is echoing throughout the land.

Savatage “Sirens”

“Sirens” is one of the U.S.A.’s finest heavy metal moments, and almost makes up for Bon Jovi, almost.

 

 

Satan “Court in the Act”

Can you believe it took all the way until 1983 for a band called Satan to release a full length album? Sorry Testament fans, but there’s only one true “Trial by Fire” and it’s on “Court in the Act.”

 

Grim Reaper “See You in Hell”

This album is an absolute classic. Beavis and Butthead were wrong. This isn’t the first time I’ve been staunchly opposed to music opinions of cartoon characters from two decades ago, and it won’t be the last.

 

Tank “This Means War”

This year we lost the legendary Tank frontman Algy Ward. Although not as iconic as their debut, “War” is definitely on par with it. RIP Algy.

 

 

Ashbury “Endless Skies”

This record is probably the best album you’ve never heard that’s turning 40 this year. Think of it as a heavy metal Allman Brothers Band. Yeah, it is that good.

 

Honorable Mention:

Warlord “Deliver Us” EP

“Deliver Us” is one of the U.S.A.’s finest heavy metal moments, and almost makes up for Poison, almost.

Worst Co-Worker Also Best Drug Dealer

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

OKLAHOMA CITY — Employees at a local accounting firm are reportedly confounded by a recent hire who is simultaneously the worst co-worker they’ve ever had and the best drug dealer they’ve ever encountered, conflicted sources confirm.

“That dude fucked up some simple spreadsheets last week and we spent four days fixing it. He can’t take simple direction, he gets angry anytime he’s asked to do a task, and I’m pretty sure he eats all the lunches in the fridge, like six or seven a day,” said accountant Javi Cruz. “I have to work twice as much with him on staff. And then he’ll just disappear for half the day. But he sold me a bag of Xanax and some moonrocks for sixty bucks and that shit got me so fucked up that I forgot how terrible he is to work with. And the dude always has product, he even offered to deliver it to me if I’m in a pinch. On the other hand, I think he stole the office coffee maker.”

Zane Bartell, the employee in question, reports only positive interactions with co-workers while acknowledging contributing nothing in the workplace.

“Easiest job I’ve ever had. I show up late, sell a few bags of weed around the office, and take a nap in my car until lunchtime. And I keep getting paid,” said Bartell while making 1,000 photocopies of a flyer for a rave his friend is promoting. “It’s pretty hard to get fired from this company. And the guy from HR owes me money for some coke, so that helps. I basically run this place and I’m selling these people some of the worst shit I’ve ever had, I’m basically offloading my junk onto them.”

Local staffing agencies report that such employees provide a much-needed service, although it can be a burden on hard-working staff members.

“So-called ‘Slacker Plugs’ aren’t good at anything in the professional world: dress codes, being on time, not vaping at your desk,” said Tessa Winger, employment placement specialist. “But we’ve found that workplaces are more productive with a dope-slinging goldbricker or two on the team. We’ve been working on designing office spaces to attract these slackers. Hammocks in the break room, Playstations at their desks instead of pesky work computers, Kool-Aid in the kitchen, anything it takes to retain these valuable members of the team, even though they are completely inept at their assigned duties.

At press time, slacker co-workers were in talks to organize and demand increased paid vacation days in exchange for showing up with some killer hash.

3 Red Hot Chili Peppers Songs That’ll Make You Say, “Okay, That’s Enough.”

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Red Hot Chili Peppers are just a band. Sure, I’ve heard a few parts of their songs, and yeah, I might have become a little irritable listening to them, but one time, I made it through an entire Sugar Ray album without snapping. That’s some real mental fortitude.

A little RHCP can’t possibly be that bad, could it? I’ve been told it isn’t advisable to do this sort of experiment without a proper EMT on standby, so it’s not recommended you try this yourself, but really though, listening to three songs from some silly 90s rock band can’t possibly be that hazardous to your health.

“Tippa My Tongue”

It says here that the first song we’ll be hearing is a tune called…..uhhh “Tippa…..My…..Tongue.” Sounds great, let’s begin!

It starts off pretty interestingly enough with all the “yas” and such. I could see this making a few people angry and frustrated for a number of reasons, but I think I can handle it.

I believe he just said the phrase “funky monks.” Yeah, I’m starting to feel it a little already, it’s like a slight feeling of nausea. But a little Pepto-Bismol would probably take care–oh, I’m not allowed any sort of medication during this. That’s fine! I can do this! Remember, Sugar Ray album.

Okay, I’ve gotten through all 4 minutes and 21 seconds of “Tongue,” and I feel a little dizzy, but I’m good! I can’t see it really getting much worse than this.

“The Shape I’m Takin”

Next up is “The Shape I’m Takin’.” I feel like I’ve gathered myself a bit, since that last song, so let’s do this.

Oh man, this one is already worse. Why does he keep singing like he’s getting dizzy? Am I supposed to be getting dizzy with him? Because I am. It’s a fairly uncomfortable feeling. At this point, I can’t help but wonder why or how anyone would willingly put themselves through this sort of treatment. Did he just say, “Pizza turd, turd, turd?” What the fuck is going on here, man?

There’s “funk” again. Nothing he says makes sense. What are those drums doing? Is it getting really warm in here? I can’t feel my legs right now.

“Hump de Bump”

Please, I beg of you. Just give me an extra 5 minutes before we go on to the next one. I’m starting to smell burnt wires. Anyone else smell burnt wires?

Hump de what???? Please, I have kids! I have a wife! I can’t have them all knowing a couple of shitty funk rock songs brought their loving father and husband to the brink of insanity! Oh god,”Co-dependant hump de bump?!” What the fuck is that?

Uh-oh, my chest. What is this I’m feeling in my chest? I need to call 911. Ahhh, my hands are much too sweaty to hold the phone to dial myself. God it’s so hot in here. Someone PLEASE help me, I can’t do this anymore.

Make it stop, for the love of all things decent in this world, please make it STOP. I beg of you, as a grown man brought to tears, down on his knees, please just make it all STOOOOOOPPPP.

“They Can’t Indict a Dead Man!” Cackles Trump Before Tossing Lifelike Mannequin Off Bridge

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Former President Donald Trump threw a lifelike dummy of himself moments ago off a bridge onto sharp rocks below to seemingly avoid being indicted for the mishandling of top secret documents, witnesses confirmed.

“They want a witch hunt, do they? Well, watch me fly. The dead tell no secrets,” said the unhinged former Commander-in-Chief as he hurled the 145-pound replica into the air. “Everyone will miss me when I’m gone, they will. This was a perfect throw off the bridge, and the plan is airtight — and believe me folks, I know airtight. They will probably rename this bridge ‘Trump Bridge’ and people from all over the world will come here and cry so hard the whole city will flood.”

Onlookers saw Trump laughing maniacally as he dragged the mannequin to the ledge before sending it airborne.

“When he popped the trunk of his car and put the dummy on the ground, he started doing this weird dance and kept mumbling about his ‘100 percent approval rating,’” said witness Carrie Long. “After he tossed it, he started spinning around with his arms outstretched, just staring at the sky. There was a brief moment where he stopped and we locked eyes… and it was the most terrifying moment of my life. There was no soul behind those pale, puffy eyelids.”

As of press time, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were seen wailing hysterically as they descended the sheer cliff in hopes of recovering what they believed to be their father’s corpse.

Trump Indictment Highlights Mar-a-Lago Yard Sale With Crate Full of Classified Documents for $2

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

PALM BEACH, Fla. — The most recent indictment of former President Donald Trump reportedly contains photographic evidence that classified documents were being sold in a bargain bin during a yard sale at his Mar-a-Lago resort, prosecutors confirmed.

“This case has taken months to build, we have obtained multiple photos and videos clearly showing highly classified documents for sale next to some of those Dream Team cups McDonald’s had in the ‘90s, a dusty dehumidifier, and slightly grease-stained pants,” said special counsel Jack Smith. “There are questions that still need to be answered. Was the entire crate being sold for $2? Or was each individual document being sold for $2? We were also alarmed by the fact Mr. Trump was selling old WWF Wrestling Superstars action figures and claiming they were never removed from the box. But you can clearly see the figures were heavily used, and the boxes were hastily taped and glued back together.”

Palm Beach resident Barry Hillston attended the yard sale and claims he is being forced to testify against Trump in the upcoming trial.

“I go to that yard sale every year because I leave feeling like a king. Two years ago I bought a gold-plated toilet seat for just $8, I still use that thing,” said Hillston. “But now I have these guys in suits claiming the documents, that I bought fair and square mind you, don’t belong to me no more. They say it’s a matter of ‘national security,’ and that a civilian shouldn’t know about any plans to invade Iran, or where certain missile systems are located. I think they’re mad that I got such a great deal.”

Lawyers across the country are already weighing in on the validity of the case against the former Commander in Chief.

“This will be a tough case for the prosecution. They will have to prove that the documents Trump sold were in fact actual pieces of U.S. intelligence and not just some regular pieces of paper he was using to make a few extra dollars on the weekend,” said Janine Pellitier, a defense attorney in Ohio. “Trump has been known to fake some merchandise at his yard sales. He famously tried to sell a copy of ‘Surfer Girl’ by The Beach Boys for $60 that he claimed was signed by the entire band, but all the signatures were forgeries other than Mike Love’s, so it was basically worth nothing at that point.”

At press time, Fox News interrupted all scheduled programming and plan to run video of their pundits screaming “Hunter Biden’s Laptop” repeatedly until the trial ends.