Press "Enter" to skip to content

Mumford & Sons Top Fan Badge Not the Kind of Achievement Man Was Hoping For

ARLINGTON, Va. – Tyler Rustman, a promising 28-year-old professional with endless potential was handed a sudden jolt of reality when he received a ‘Top Fan’ invitation from Mumford & Sons on Facebook, confirmed multiple disappointed sources.

“My life has been nothing but hard work, I’ve busted my ass and thought I was moving up in life,” said Rustman while visibly holding back tears. “I really felt like everything was going my way, a great job, awesome car, a condo in the hottest neighborhood in town. Usually my notifications are just invitations to club openings or old friends. But no, it was something I could’ve never imagined. A Mumford & Sons Top Fan badge. I couldn’t believe it. It made me question every decision I’ve ever made, whether it be in real life or online. I’ve been in a fog for days.”

Mumford & Sons Webmaster Greg Chen, who was tasked with boosting the band’s online presence, says Top Fan badges have been a hard sell.

“Other pages I’ve managed are using a specific algorithm to pick Top Fans, typically based on comments, likes, and interaction with ads. For us, that threshold is pretty low. The average interaction with this page seems to be people who accidentally click the band’s name in a festival lineup. Once our page is on your screen you have about 10 seconds to click away before we get you.” said Chen. “When I accepted this job I figured it would be a challenge, but Jesus, I had no clue.”

Upon realizing his situation, Rustman immediately called his Life Coach, Courtney Burns, who has mentored him since his arrival in the Washington D.C. area.

“When Tyler first reach out to me I seriously thought he had murdered a prostitute. But this… this is way worse. I’ve seen people bounce back from a lot of shit, but this would take one hell of a magic trick to recover. This will be stapled to every job application he turns in for the rest of his life,” said Burns. “I have pretty strict rules for my mentees and I pick winners…I pick those who really will succeed in this town. I have occasionally worked with some pretty shady people, even a few Creed fans. But even I have a limit.”

At press time, sources stated Rustman was desperately trying to remove Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin” from his 15-year-old iPod Nano, just in case.