The Supreme Court finally did the right thing and struck down the unjust policy of Affirmative Action in college admissions. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, getting into a top Ivy League school should absolutely only be based on grades, merit, and who your rich alumni parents are.
Allowing race as a factor into admissions was a detriment to our education system and a disservice to our entire society. Or so the guys down at the country club keep telling me. I actually don’t know much about this topic past what my acquaintances down at The Eagle’s Nest have said, but I have no reason to doubt them when they insist this ruling is a very good thing for us. Having a university composed of only the best and brightest, coupled with a solid contingent of below average students with sick alumni pedigree, is what this country is all about.
Some people may think I had an unfair advantage getting admitted just because my grades were, as one councillor used to say, “dog shit”. But even though I got in doesn’t mean it was easy. Competition was very fierce, even for a legacy admin. I thought I’d be a shoo-in based on the fact my parents generously donated some of my great-grandfather’s suspiciously obtained wealth to build the school a shiny new rotunda. But just my luck, half the other kids on my high school rowing team also got their families to donate some type of weird ass building to the school.
They say dropping race as a qualifier will even out the playing field for students with higher test scores, and those students with lower test scores but very familiar last names, namely people like me. It’s time for a return to the good old days when the student body only contained the country’s top brains and the offspring of former VIP grads who like to kick it in their Jeeps instead of going to class.
Allowing a more diverse campus is a slippery slope. What’s next, a diverse Wall Street or Silicon Valley? And at whose peril? My dumber younger brother, that’s who. His grades are even worse than mine so my parents will probably have to sell one of their vacation properties just to get the little shit in.
Carpe Diem!
Isis popped out this debut before they really found their own sound; that special noise that makes you think you’re walking on Mars, traversing through the jungle, or traversing through a jungle on Mars. Although this comes across more as a mid-tier homage to Neurosis rather than the four masterpieces that follow, there is plenty of substance to hold your attention. From the opening riff of “Deconstructing Towers,” you instantly feel as if you want to join a demolition crew and start swinging a sledgehammer into random buildings. This song will get your blood pumping and make you headbutt a cactus. The biggest problem with this record is that it isn’t “Panopticon,” “In the Absence of Truth,” or “Oceanic.”
This effort stepped away significantly from their past gritty entries and instead leaned on a slick and smooth performance instead. As they shied away from early Cult of Luna territory and leaned more into Explosions in the Sky country here, the quality didn’t suffer. Aaron Harris’ drumming is absolutely hypnotic to the point where you will feel as if you are in a trance for the majority of the hour then you come out of it realizing you robbed a liquor store, but just for the beef jerky so it’s not that bad. Anyway, it’s Harris’ best performance as he steals the show for sure, along with the ethereal, electronic soundscapes. This is a shiny re-birth for Isis; perhaps it’s the only set of melodies you can listen to comfortably in business casual clothes.
I can confidently say this is their breakthrough album. It’s everything “Celestial” wanted to be, and bassist Jeff Caxide’s booming sound repeatedly wears out his strings to make that abundantly clear. Rarely does an album bookend itself with the best tracks, but Isis manages to do that here. It knocks you on your ass from the first second and keeps you there until the last one. This 9-song collection could easily go second, or even first. Hell, it would be the best album for a lot of groups out there. But honestly, what choice do I have considering their next two productions?
What would a good album ranking do without causing a little controversy? While every Isis fan will probably eviscerate me for putting this album above “Oceanic,” I think it is justified. They took the best from their previous work and weaved them seamlessly together here, where the clean textures of “In the Absence of Truth” complement the powerful chugs from “Oceanic.” Together, every one constructed a perfect swan song; they definitely went out on top. When the last song, and thus their musical career, ends, you want nothing more than Aaron Turner to wrap you in a blanket cocoon and rock you gently back and forth while the two of you sway together in a rocking chair.
Come on. Was there any other choice here? Well, yes, actually. Every Isis album except for “Celestial” has a case for being at the top. In fact, they definitely all have been my favorite album at some point. Still, I consider this to be their magnum opus. If you listen to one post-metal album in your entire life, make it this one. Aaron Turner’s throaty gusts immediately set the tone from “So Did We” to “Grinning Mouths.” Even when you can’t understand his lyrics, you can tell that Isis means business here. This stroke of perfection has something for every Isis fan. If you don’t agree, there is definitely something wrong with you.
Not the most extreme movie on the list, but I figure I’ll start them off with some lite, campy fun, and there’s still a head explosion here that’s bound to make them lose at least a little sleep. 
An absolute classic, and with plenty of genuine scares. It only ranks low on my list because of the Frog brothers. I’m worried that they’ll make the kids think they have any chance of defeating a vampire, which they totally don’t. 
The first one is a pretty solid horror movie, but the real psychological damage will come in the later installments when the kids need to reconcile that two haunted puppets somehow got to the bone zone and make a kid. 
Gotta start that mistrust of authority while they’re young, it will serve them well in the years to come. 
This one’s lost a bit of punch, what with the fact that we live in godless times and all. Luckily, Aunt Judy sent the kids to a catholic elementary school to give them “proper values,” so it should do the trick. 
It’s my honor to introduce these whiny snots to the films of George Romero the way they were meant to be seen: way too young at the behest of a dipshit older relative. 
Did you know that this movie marks the first instance of zombies saying “brains”? Did you know that it also marks the first time my 12-year-old cousin Mark has pissed himself since his training wheels came off? What a picture! 
Towing the line a bit here with my “nothing overtly sexual” rule, but Re-animator is a stone-cold classic. Besides, the kids should be old enough to know that severed heads can’t really go down on chicks by now. I feel like I learned that in the third grade. 
The kids love watching those ‘Home Alone’ movies every holiday season, so I’m betting after they see this they’ll pretty much never trust anyone again. 
What a privilege it is to instill a fear in these children that will be with them the rest of their lives, home invasion! I hope Aunt Judy enjoys running up and down the stairs all night, triple checking that the doors and windows are locked at bedtime for the foreseeable future. 
While this is a movie most would consider irresponsible to screen for children, again, I maintain that I’m actually doing my young cousins a service here. Texas is hell, and they should learn to stay far away from it.
My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my babysitting. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of “responsible adult who can be trusted to watch children” is about to slip. 
I know a lot of you are going to say this one is dumb or overrated, but that’s because you watched it as an adult who grew up with White Zombie videos. Trust me, this is going to screw them up. 
Now that the kids have a firm grasp on zombies, it’s time to show them something a little bit closer to the real-life pandemics we all know and love. While they’re hiding under the covers, I’m laughing over how hard it’s going to be to get them on the subway for any New York field trip from here on out. 
“The Faculty” taught my cousins to be paranoid about their teachers. This movie will teach them to be paranoid about everyone else. I can’t wait to steal whatever pills they wind up on. 
I have it on good authority that the kids have never heard of this movie, so I might actually be able to sell them on the whole “found footage” angle. If I can convince these little dweebs that I just found this thing at a thrift shop and witches are real, it will be the proudest achievement of my life. 
While they were watching this I snuck off and moved a bunch of random crap all over the house. I’ve always wanted to see someone hyperventilate. 
Honestly, I just don’t trust Aunt Judy’s new boyfriend. Homeboy rocks a lot of American flag variant shirts, and I figured showing her kids this movie is the best way to get them to steer clear and stay vigilant. 
With Covid fresh in their young, impressionable minds this one is bound to do some serious damage. To add to the effect I’m going to spend the whole movie complaining of vague flu-like symptoms and periodically screaming for no reason. 
If you’re a babysitter and you’re not showing your kids Halloween, you are missing out on one of the greatest opportunities to terrorize that life has to offer. 
Despite nostalgia being quite an addictive drug, debut albums aren’t always a band’s most requested or revered listen. This album is only on this list because it is technically a Yellowcard album, and we at The Hard Times are sticklers for accuracy. Plus, this not-so-politically correct album title could never pass in 2023, and this album wouldn’t likely create a rabid fanbase the year that it was released either. The best part of this LP is, and this may come off like a backhanded compliment, that it shows that a band can truly grow, and it does two albums later with new lead singer and guitarist Ryan Key.
Well, where we stand on this one is that this LP isn’t that much better than its predecessor. However, the previous record is happily not even on streaming platforms and this is Yellowcard’s oldest release to be featured on them; lesson learned. Like we stated above, this is the last Yellowcard record to feature then-vocalist Ben Dodson, but many in the scene likely were saying things in the vein of, “Sorry Try Again.” Thankfully, they did.
Self-titled albums are often a return to form, but this final LP (for now?) has too many songs that feel long just for the sake of being long. It’s an overall slow listen, which might be intentional, but a redemptive quality is that the musicianship is truly solid on all cylinders. We like every song on this but don’t really love many. However, the album’s closer “Fields & Fences” is a solid and invigorating swan song track. Insert clever violin or violence joke here.
We know: This should be number one on the list. Actually, no: You’re dumb and likely starstruck by misplaced memories of your shitty youth. It should be number seven, for Pete’s sake. “One for the Kids” is a fun listen front to back and could benefit from a modern re-recording and/or reimagining with the band’s current lineup, if it feels so inclined. However, the indie album has a youthful feel that may be best left that way. Fun fact: Their next album “Ocean Avenue” (more on that LP later) would be on Capitol Records, the same label as ABBA and the fucking Beatles. No biggie.
Imagine that Yellowcard listened to a lot of The Smashing Pumpkins and other ‘90s epic fuzzy grunge in the studio whilst making this record and you’ve got the polarizing (and sole release for Razor & Tie, the label that brought you Kidz Bop and Starset) “Lift a Sail.” It may sound out of place for a band that many know as pure pop-punk, but somehow it works quite well and is solid from its opening track till the very end. Give it another listen if you haven’t in a while. It’s PERFECT PCH bicycling music.
We firmly believe that if this album came out immediately after 2003’s “Ocean Avenue,” “Paper Walls” wouldn’t have been the band’s last release on Capitol Records. Also, maybe it would’ve ranked higher if “Light Up The Sky” WASN’T the first and only single. Yep. 2007 was a tough year for many in the “scene” as there were SO MANY new releases in that sonic vein, so this LP likely got caught in the shuffle. Still, it’s a cult favorite amongst Yellowcard fans that will yell at us for making it number 5 on this list. We’re afraid.
After a four-year LP drought and a short hiatus from all things Yellowcard, the band released a sequel to the record above and came back with a ten-track banger known as 2011’s “When You’re Through Thinking, Say Yes.” This was the band’s first of two, so far; re-read the intro, comeback releases and first album on Hopeless Records. At this point the band members were practically pop-punk’s elder statesmen, and this record cemented such without counterargument. When you’re through listening front-to-back, check out the acoustic version front-to-back for a different beachy vibe with the same songs.
Both Radio Disney AND Warped Tour approved? Check. Both MTV VMA award-winning AND platinum record sales? Check. What more could be said about this record that hasn’t already been said by many on LiveJournal or MySpace? Well, like the album listed above, once you re-listen (you know you’ve played this album on repeat; stop acting hard, crust punks), you should check out the acoustic version front-to-back for a stripped-down ambiance that works just as well. Believe.
This record is without a doubt the band’s second most underrated album (more on that next), but it is most certainly their most slept-on release. Like “When You’re Through Thinking, Say Yes,” the album that came out just one year before it, “Southern Air” is a perfect ten-track-wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am masterpiece. It needs to be said: 2011 and 2012 are critical quality years for Yellowcard that deserve and need more public love. Help? And if you’re in the mood to cry right now, listen to “Ten.” Gut punch of a vicious kind.
Like Weezer’s sophomore album “Pinkerton,” Yellowcard’s sophomore major-label album (and fifth overall record) “Lights and Sounds” was quite a dark and misunderstood departure from its predecessor (in the best way). Sadly, many of the bitter critics and sunny “Ocean Avenue” fans just didn’t get this moody release, and album sales were FAR less than all parties wanted given how huge the last one was. Still, people seem to “get” this album more and more each year AND the title track is without hesitation the band’s best and most rocking single. Don’t @ us.