30. Alien
In space, no one can hear you scream. Unfortunately for my aunt, her kids don’t sleep in space. They sleep in a bedroom with paper-thin walls right next to hers.
29. Battle Royal
Now that my cousins are terrified of all adults, it’s time to get them terrified of other kids.
28. The Omen (1976)
I hope my cousins grow up to be free-thinking atheists one day, but for now I gotta admit making them terrified of the antichrist is pretty fun.
27. The Brood
You little twerps wanna know where babies come from? I’ll show you where babies come from.
26. Poltergeist (1982)
The kids are probably gonna think they’re safe with this one. It’s got a PG rating and that cozy Spielberg glow in the beginning, lulling you into a false sense of security and then BAM! Someone’s face melts off.
25. The Ring
In the movie, watching that video makes you die 7 days later. In real life, my cousins are going to have an irrational fear of television static and hair for years to come.
24. Orphan
Just gonna pop this on and enjoy watching my cousins argue over which one of them is secretly an adult Russian murderer.
23. Hereditary
Like the “Fast and Furious” franchise, this one is all about family. It just has way more interesting things to say about family. Like how just because someone is your mom, it doesn’t mean that they like you. Take note kids.
22. It (1990)
The original made-for-TV movie of course. The kids were already pretty scared of clowns, I figured I would just seal the deal. Overall ‘It’ is a little lopsided with part one doing a lot of the heavy lifting, but it still gives my cousins an important takeaway: kids go missing all the time, and people just forget.
21. Carrie (1976)
Think of it as an anti-bullying PSA that really sticks. After watching that jump scare at the end my cousins are too shell-shocked to speak let alone pick on any weird kids.
20. The Friday The 13th Franchise
This series is pretty special to me. It’s the one that my older cousins traumatized me with when I was young. Watching these kids develop a fight-or-flight response to the very mention of the name “Jason” fills me with a bittersweet feeling.
19. Pet Semetary (1989)
The kids recently suffered their first loss, a goldfish by the name of Mr. Scupps. They were pretty torn up about it, so I made them watch “Pet Sematary” to teach them that sometimes, dead is better.
18. Candyman (1992)
To my surprise, the kids were bold enough to try the mirror thing after watching this. Luckily, Tony Todd is on Cameo. I had them do it with the reflection on my phone, hit the button and there was Candyman saying “Mark and Whitney Alister, be my victims!” Then he wished them a happy birthday, but they were already under the bed hyperventilating at that point. Best $140 I’ve ever spent.
17. Fright Night (1985)
I shit you not, they started spying on their neighbors and keeping a log of which ones they’ve never seen during the day after watching this movie.
16. Event Horizon
Maybe it was a little too cruel of me to introduce this film to my young cousins as a multiverse movie “like Spider-man,” but I’m not being paid for my time and I need to amuse myself somehow.
15. The Nightmare on Elm Street Franchise
It’s high time someone robbed these kids of their delusion that they are safe in their dreams, and that someone is me. Hey Aunt Judy, enjoy finding a sleep-disorder specialist who takes your insurance, BITCH!
14. The Fly
Yup, it’s the kids first body horror. Should I take a picture or something?
13. The Blob (1988)
Not to be confused with the 1958 original, which would hardly give today’s kids any psychological problems at all, this remake is brutal. I’ll be serving them a dessert of pink jello while they watch it just to be a dick.
12. The Sixth Sense
I’m running out of normal things to make these kids afraid of, so now I’m going to convince them that they may have terrifying psychic gifts.
11. Night of the Living Dead
Call me old-fashioned but I want my cousins to be cultured enough to understand that black and white movies can still give them massive panic disorders.