10. Rare Exports
When it comes to ruining Christmas forever, horror offers a lot of solid options. I decided to go with “Rare Exports” because it’s one of the more recent additions to the Santa horror genre. Kids have short attention spans these days, and I don’t want to risk slow pacing allowing them to maintain a single scrap of holiday cheer.
9. The Babadook
When it comes to Traumatainment, there’s no bigger name in the game than A24, but if you ask me this Australian indie blows them out of the water. And if they ask my cousins, they say “Aaaaaahhh, don’t let the hat monster kill me!”
8. The People Under The Stairs
It isn’t enough to simply press play on a horror movie to mess up some kids. You need to have the patience and sense of timing to pick the exact right moment to lean in close and whisper “This really happens all the time.”
7. The Scream Franchise
By now the kids aren’t so freaked out by traditional slashers — they’ve seen enough to know the formula. Unfortunately for them, I miss the sounds of their screams. Looks like it’s time to get meta!
6. The Final Destination Franchise
The kids have damn near become Jr. slasher experts at this point, and they’re pretty confident they could escape the clutches of a madman with a knife if need be. That’s why I’m going to show them some movie where the villain is something no one can escape — death itself.
5. Xtro
Tonight’s an all-nighter because Aunt Judy wants to do gross stuff with her boyfriend, so we’re gonna make it a double feature. First “E.T,” and then this surreal fever dream of a movie. Honestly, there are things in this film no one should really see at any age, but whatever, I’m lashing out.
4. Evil Dead 2
I know I know, skipping part one is “sacrilege,” but try to keep in mind I’m not trying to educate a pair of future film scholars here. I’m trying to inflict psychological damage on two bratty kids so they drive my aunty up a wall and she stops making me babysit, so we’re getting right to the good stuff.
3. Killer Klowns from Outer Space
They were already afraid of clowns and aliens, I figured I would just go ahead and seal the deal. They should have known something was up when I brought them cotton candy.
2. The Shining
“The Shining” was a notoriously difficult production. It’s said that Stanley Kubrick’s perfectionism nearly drove Shelly DuVall to madness. But the results speak for themselves. The film is a masterpiece, and the legit night terrors my cousins now legit suffer from are going to last for decades more to come.
1. The Thing (1982)
Time to push these entitled brats over the edge once and for all. Their gen-alpha CGI-fed eyeballs weren’t meant to handle tactile, practical effects of this caliber. Really their mom should thank me, because there’s no way they’ll keep asking her to get a dog after this.