NEW YORK — New streaming service Advu, now available on all platforms, allows users to just play commercials in the background while they look at their phone, distracted sources who never make human eye contact confirmed.
“We’re very excited to offer our subscribers an endless glut of ads so they can scroll their phone and not have to sit alone in silence,” said Advu marketing strategist Ashleigh Muldune. “After extensive research, we discovered that most users of other streaming platforms aren’t actually paying attention to anything happening in whatever show they have on anyway, and now for only $12.99 a month, or $18.99 for 4K HDR, we can serve them nothing but commercials.”
Some consumers are excited about a new service that allows them to endlessly scroll through stupid bullshit on their phones.
“At the end of a long day, I just want to mindlessly look at memes or my friends’ vacation photos. But I don’t want to feel totally alone, so I put on Netflix,” said Advu user Katie Becker. “I mean, I tried watching some things like that ‘Silo’ show on AppleTV but after a few minutes I found myself looking at my phone and reading clickbait headlines about some awful political thing and they just…” Becker trailed off at this point and started looking at her phone again.
Advertising executive Ken Benson said Advu has the potential to revolutionize the industry.
“Although it may seem counterintuitive for us in the ad world to want a platform like Advu that no one is actually paying attention to, it is actually terrific since it forces people to look at social media even more, which is where all advertising is happening anyway,” said Benson. “And with eye-tracking technology through a user’s camera which we may or may not but definitely do have the ability to do, we can see what ads make them look up at their TV for a split second and then serve them nothing but content for that product.”
At press time, execs at Advu said they are looking at rolling out a premium service Advu+ which would play the sound of a user’s loved one talking about their day as just another background noise for them to ignore.
Barely worth my time, he’s only on the list so I have someone to practice landing the twister on. I’ve almost got it.
Riddle me this, nerd: Who has two wolves inside him and a +3000N punch for your smug face? This guy.
Not that this chump presents much of a challenge to begin with, but my boxing skills are on point. I’m just gonna blast my jabs so fast that the wind force blows him away.
Kung-fu is so ‘80s my guy. The shred-man is no match for my radical mix of krav maga, Muay Thai and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Plus I have a gun.
One hit to the head and this college professor slips into an alter-persona where he thinks he’s King Tut reincarnated. One hit by ME to the head, he won’t be thinking anything at all, ever again.
The guy is short, fat, and owns a nightclub. Sounds like a bunch of dudes I’ve already assaulted. And sure, he’ll probably fire me as a bouncer just like they did, but not before I crack that monocle with a right hook.
I gotta admit my man is pretty jacked for a skeleton. Too bad they don’t teach Brazilian jiu-jitsu in Eternia. No contest, chump. I’ll nap each one of his bones.
“Venom” is actually a hybrid of the Venom symbiote and disgraced journalist Eddie Brock, so technically this is gonna be 2 on 1. Fortunately for me, the symbiote will recognize this work, and ditch Eddie to bond with the superior male, making me more powerful than ever.
This guy’s whole superpower is that he’s the world’s smartest man, so basically there are about a million ways I can lump up this nerd. If he’s really that smart, he better just go run and hide.
This pansy “emperor’s” arch-nemesis was the quarterback for the New York Jets. I totally could have gone pro if I didn’t get kicked out of school for trying to blow up the soda machine in the cafeteria, and I damned sure would have wound up on a better football team than the Jets.
2009-2012 were years of major change for Pennywise and the band’s fans as frontman Jim Lindberg surprisingly quit the group in 2009. The act trudged on and put out just one release with Ignite’s singer Zoli Teglas on the mic. For more information on what led to this, read Jim’s great book “Punk Rock Dad: No Rules, Just Real Life” and then watch the touching and revealing documentary, “The Other F Word.” Anyway, it must be said that “All or Nothing” is a solid LP, and has a large amount of public streams to showcase such, but Pennywise just isn’t Pennywise without Jim Lindberg on vocals. Stand strong, Zoli; Ignite still rules. Still, we wish that the group modified its name to “The Act Formerly Known As Pennywise Featuring Three-Fourths Of The Aforementioned Band With The Dude From Ignite Containing The Name That Often Gets Misspelled” and then all PW fans would be united on eleven LPs. Yeah.
If this list had just eleven LPs and the prior mention was completely omitted as a true Pennywise entity, “Yesterdays” would most certainly be ranked last in this piece as it feels more like a revisited B-sides-that-weren’t-good-enough-to-utilize-the-first-time compilation than a tried and true full-length album. Happily, the recordings aren’t half bad and it’s Jim’s first record back in the band itself, so we didn’t bitch that much when it was first released.
A wise entity not from a Stephen King novel once told us that, “Good is the enemy of great.” Those six words totally encapsulate 2005’s “The Fuse.” Basically, this one doesn’t stand out or offend, so its low spot on this list makes complete sense. Even mid Pennywise is better than most bands in that world, so we hope that famous and infamous PW guitarist Fletcher Dragge doesn’t kick the shit out of the entire staff at satirical/100% brilliant-and-never-incorrect-critical-take site The Hard Times for the commentary on said record (and the band’s other eleven full-lengths). We love the Pennywise band, we really do! Just look at our cargo shorts and chunky Vans. That should be all the proof you need.
We think the fact that 2008’s “Reason To Believe” was a slight departure from the band’s earlier material made it fail with hardcore fans from the start. The icing on the hater cake is that the record was released on MySpace as a worldwide digital download and in physical form on MySpace Records. Gross to some, but forward-thinking to others. Still, we can’t justify the abhorrence towards this LP and need to publicly say that it has some very high-quality songs. In fact, it’s the first album listed in this piece that we sometimes revisit. After all, we have nothing to lose, trolls.
2018’s “Never Gonna Die,” Pennywise’s most recent LP and singer Jim Lindberg’s second album back with the band after his brief sabbatical truly sounds like a return to form. This most recent batch of new material in the form of fourteen songs truly lives by its album title, as the band aims to stick around post-armageddon. Fuck Armageddon… This is hell. Sorry. If you’re a fan of Pennywise, you know what you’re going to get when you spin a new album, and this one shows that the band won’t give up the fight. We’re still eager for more!
Pennywise fans were given seven fresh new albums this century thus far, and this lucky number seven entry known as 2003’s “From the Ashes” is most certainly the band’s second-best release from the past twenty-three years; the four piece’s best from the aughts and beyond is listed below at number six. Still, “From the Ashes” is a catchy and melodic fourteen-song record that may have benefitted from a few song omissions, but we’re also more than fine with the way that it is. What’s your hot take? Don’t answer that.
The 2001 Pennywise record “Land of the Free?” also doubles as a rhetorical question and contains one of the band’s most popular and singalong songs “Fuck Authority.” The album is quite a fun listen from start to finish, and we’re definitely not alone in thinking such. Overall, this is without question the band’s best LP to be released this century, and not-so-coincidentally the remaining five listed below are all from the ‘90s, and nothing pre-2001 has been listed here thus far. Our bad. Time marches on.
Fun fact: Two songs on this thirteen-song LP have the word “burn” in it; shut up, Butt-head. Anyway, 1993’s “Unknown Road” is the first album from the ‘90s to be ranked thus far here, and it is a cult favorite amongst Pennywise fans who are either going to either set this city aflame or smile like an idiot regarding this slot placement; it will very likely lead to urban destruction. Our bad. Regardless, the band put it best in the song “Homesick” where Jim sang, “The city used to be such a beautiful place.” Epitaph Records’ ugly-ass compilation known as 1994’s “Punk-O-Rama,” which spawned NINE sequels, features “Dying to Know,” our favorite song from this album, at track five. The monumental green “Punk-O-Rama” likely exposed many to the group and its kindred spirits in the aforementioned “Big Five.” If not, we’re posers and you aren’t. Mazel.
Here’s where we get sad: 1997’s “Full Circle,” Pennywise’s fourth full-length, is the band’s first post-original bassist Jason Thirsk release since his tragic death in 1996. Because of such, the band re-recorded its most played live and likely requested song “Bro Hymn” from the next album to be mentioned here with references to Thirsk’s life as “Bro Hymn Tribute” in an extremely impassioned and touching manner. “Full Circle” is a hard-hitting tribute to a bandmate who sadly never had the chance to hear the band sing his praises. If you have a shit joke to make on the matter, get a life.
Sorry, bro(s), even though it truly kicks ass in a non-sardonic way, the band’s 1991 self-titled LP is not the band’s best album, and much like your misguided nostalgic thoughts on the also solid “Unknown Road,” your opinion is sadly outdated and dead fucking wrong; we don’t make the rules here. Still, it’s quite badass that Pennywise opened its groundbreaking debut LP with a song called “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” like fellow South Bay punk-as-fuck act The Beach Boys did 25 years earlier on the 1966 classic “Pet Sounds,” and it’s even cooler that the band still regularly performs this song at shows over thirty-plus years later. Basically, “Pennywise” should be required listening to all new fans of the band and we all can agree on that. Right?
Listing Pennywise’s last album to come out this century in the silver medal spot may shock both casual and hardcore fans of the band, but this overly slept-upon release deserves much, much more public love. The album’s title “Straight Ahead” is literally exactly such in sonic form, and the track “Alien” is one of the best singles in the band’s expansive catalog of catchy-ass songs. “Greed” is a hell of an opening track as well and perfectly leads the listener into seventeen wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am tunes. The band ended the 20th century with style and sans a digital boy just for you! Read below for our favorite PW LP!
Epitaph was on a hot run in both ‘94 and ‘95 with (listed chronologically) The Offspring releasing 1994’s smash “Smash,” NOFX coming out of the gates with the oft-revered “Punk in Drublic,” then-former Epitaph act Bad Religion changing the game with “Stranger Than Fiction” and 2/4 of Operation Ivy opening barricades with 1995’s now-classic “…And Out Come The Wolves.” Just before Tim Armstrong became a household name with the latter, the headliners of this article released “About Time,” a concise and rocking collection of unskippable twelve tracks that doesn’t relent till its end. To put it extremely, extremely mildly, “About Time” is the skate punk release and perfectly encapsulates Warped Tour when Vans was in its title. Up the punx!
Putting Angela in a Misfits cover band would be musical malpractice. There is no way she would be on board with the “Dead cats hanging from poles” line, and not to mention she’s openly Christian so she would get pretty uptight about all the demon references.
I’m not going to lie, on paper Robert California is a good candidate for this band. He’s charismatic, probably knows a guy that can do merch for cheap, and knows about spooky stuff, but there is one big problem. This isn’t a Graves-era cover band. No replacement players. Keep moving Bobby.
Cathy is one of the most hated characters in the history of the show. I just can’t be associated with her. I’m already on thin ice after I backed my car into my neighbor’s pool and then left without telling anyone. Being seen with Cathy is a death sentence.
Being an elected official already rules you out of being a part of this project. I’m going to need full dedication, I want someone that is willing to quit their job so we can make sure we know “Where Eagles Dare” backward and forward. There is no way a politician would be willing to work that hard for one night of glory.
This man can’t be trusted. He might be a solid worker and a great bandmate, but in the back of my head I’ll keep thinking he’s just using the band to get close to my wife so he can steal her away. Now it’s true that I don’t have a wife, or a girlfriend, and I haven’t felt the touch of a woman in over a decade. But still.
I don’t even know why I hate this guy, but I do. He just looks like the type of guy that would tell me about all the movies that Misfits songs reference. Newsflash buddy, I don’t give a rip. Stay away from me and stay inside on Halloween you creep.
There is no way that someone who names “Legally Blonde” as their favorite movie is going to know anything about the Misfits. Plus, there is no way she’s going to be willing to dye her hair black and wear a devilock.
Rolf is a loose cannon, and that might seem like a decent quality you want in a punk bandmate. But I don’t want to be on stage, in front of tens of people on our big night and have somebody smash me in the head with a stage monitor because I suggest we skip playing “20 Eyes.”
Charles has all the physical attributes I want in a band member, mainly it’s someone who is big and could easily beat the crap out of anyone who makes fun of our tight pants. But Charles is a corporate shill, I want someone willing to quit their job so they can dedicate their life to this important project.
She might be the closest in age to the real-life Misfits and since she lives in Florida she probably has some of the same politics. But I don’t want to have to worry about one of our members breaking a hip mid-set.
Clark is the type of guy that would be like “You play in a Misfits cover band? Yeah, I listened to them when I was 12 then I grew up.” And then he would talk about how underrated Guided by Voices is for the next two hours.
That fucking song. You can see how it happened – some fan of theirs told them “I could listen to that rhythm section all day” and they said “No problem!” Look, if you were forced to spend a day with a rhythm section you want it to be this one – but to single out one song on a Shellac album as unusual is so contradictory you might think we just used it as an easy excuse to put something in last place. The prog-rock “Tomorrowland” cover art doesn’t help either, so we’ll blame that too.
The title track that kicks off Shellac’s most recent full-length is perhaps the trio at their most “normal rock band,” even with the 7/4 time and story about a family of horny gibbons or whatever. Much of the rest is obsessed with surveyors – disgraced Colonial soldier George Washington was a surveyor, the mayor of Chicago is a surveyor, there’s even an instrumental that’s somehow about doing surveys. How likely are you to recommend this album to a friend? Less so with each passing song about surveys.
Now this is cover art! Uffizi, the eponymous superb pooch, looks pleased as punch to be posed amongst prop produce on the album’s cover. Like the cutie-pie canine, Shellac can seem a bit chilled out on this record – “Kittypants” is the loveliest goddamn thing – but you’re not safe yet. Some of this fruit and veg has gone off, and it won’t be long until this stellar pupperino gets tired of sitting around and leaves us to sit alone with the rot. Guest appearances include Strong Bad, so the album is a little dated.
To refer to “At Action Park” as a seminal noise record is a little tired at this point, and there are far too many mentions of cum in Shellac’s lyrics to be comfortable referring to anything in this piece as “seminal.” This band emerged from the womb fully formed presenting a song-as-concept approach to guitar rock; one that flips off and makes perverse any attempts to add concepts to the established song structure. You absolutely cannot fake this.
Imagine releasing an album in 2023 and starting it off with a guest vocal from Taylor Swift. That’s almost at the level of starting your 2000 album with the crooning tones of Philip Baker “Jimmy Gator” Hall, and that move alone gets “1000 Hurts” the top spot. Deadly songs about JFK, squirrels, shoes and watches work as hard as they can to ensure the victory. The drums are Jovian and the bass is dirtier than a shit farmer’s boots. The steelwork guitar slashes constantly at your throat – never more than when mourning a recently departed mother. Perfect.