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How to Introduce Your Girlfriend to Your Friends When She’s Way More Likable Than You

Making a good first impression is hard. You need to be pleasant, personable, and interesting if you’re going to impress new people. All qualities I do not possess. Cards on the table: I’m a nightmare. Fortunately, I have a group of friends who don’t seem to mind my repelling social nature. However, tonight I’m introducing my new girlfriend to them and I’m terrified because she’s way more likable than me.

Every time I bring a girlfriend along to a board game night or a bar crawl—or whatever dumb bullshit my idiot friends wanted to do that night—usually all I have to worry about is her getting too drunk and telling my friends all the fucked up shit I say about them behind their backs. Pretty manageable, right? But this girlfriend is different. She’s… wonderful.

I’m afraid my friends are going realize how much better it would be to be friends with her. Then when we inevitably break up because I did something innocuous like crash her car into her family or whatever, all my friends will side with HER. Or, even worse, they realize it’s probably best not to hang out with toxic, destructive people at all! Then, not only would I be harming myself, but also every other trash person like me who managed to finagle a buddy or two.

People always wonder what she’s doing with me. Out loud. And in front of me. And I know what people say to her when I’m not around. I know they tell her she’s too good for me. To be fair, she is. But why does she need to know that?

Besides, she’s not as sweet and innocent as everybody thinks. Behind closed doors, she’s just as fucked up as me. Why do you think we’re together?

All in all, it doesn’t matter what the world thinks of our relationship as long as we’re both truly happy. That’s why tonight, I’ll tell my beloved, “Just be yourself and let my friends see how wonderful you are. I love you, Melania.”