30. Jonny Greenwood
The Radiohead guitarist would spend the entire time in his room with the door closed, only to come out to say goodbye. I just hope he had a good time at his own party that he graciously organized and almost kind of hosted.
29. The Edge
The U2 guitarist would throw a solid barbecue, but he’d wear that beanie that he’s always got the whole time, even though it’s 90 degrees out. Winter apparel is very distracting this time of year, and eventually I’m going to grow suspicious of what’s under that thing.
28. Jeff Rosenstock
Jeff seems like one big puppy dog who is friends with a lot of people. He’d be so focused on socializing and making sure everyone was having a good time that he’d forget to grill up his guests any food. Jeff, it’s 11 p.m. and I’m still waiting on that hot dog you promised to cook me for lunch.
27. Poison Ivy
The Cramps guitarist would throw the most disorienting barbecue of the summer. The food options would mainly be some sort of thick stew and the water in the pool would somehow be jet black. At least she has a friendly cat I can occupy myself with.
26. Dave Mustaine
Dave would set some ground rules for his party. Like rule number 12 is that no one is allowed to utter the words “James” or “Hetfield.” However, we can speak of Lars but only negatively. That rule is actually fine with me.
25. Tom Morello
Tom would vehemently bring up a political cause that everyone was already in favor of 20 minutes into the party. Listen, if I’m going to get blackout drunk at 3 p.m. on a Saturday, I don’t need to do it in an echo chamber. That’s what social media is for.
24. Wes Borland
I’m definitely going to feel underdressed at Wes’ barbecue. After all, the Limp Bizkit guitarist is going to be in full body paint while wearing some elaborate, albeit bewildering costume. My Target t-shirt, cargo shorts, and Crocs are going to make me look like a complete idiot.
23. Mike Ness
The Social Distortion guitarist would just want to show me his vintage car collection in his garage the whole time. There are only so many times I can nod my head and say “yeah” while someone talks about their vehicle before I need to lay down.
22. Buckethead
I have no idea what this man actually looks like, so the whole time I’d be trying to figure out which person is the host of this barbecue. Was really hoping there’d be someone with a KFC bucket on his head when I got here. That really would’ve narrowed things down.
21. Robert Smith
Robert would only invite people to his barbecue if the weather called for rain, mainly because he feels more in his element when the sun isn’t out. But he also informs us that we technically can’t skin cancer when we’re outside during a thunderstorm. Robert’s always full of helpful skincare-based information.