20. Balsac the Jaws of Death
The GWAR guitarist would ask everyone to save the blood juices from their burger patties for him. He wouldn’t tell us why, but none of us would be so much as bat an eye.
19. Dave Navarro
Dave’s barbecue would be a front for the orgy he’s actually throwing. Unfortunately, I never know what to do with my hands during sex parties. That’s a me thing.
18. Julien Baker
Julien would throw an enjoyable barbecue but the whole thing would thin out by 4:30 p.m. because everyone there is an introvert and pooped out from all the social interaction. I guess I can run some errands with my extra time.
17. Claudio Sanchez
I’m going to walk into the Coheed and Cambria guitarist’s barbecue only to find a Dungeons and Dragons game in progress. The participants will shush me immediately upon entering and I will have to enjoy my Coors Light in the corner by myself while I inadvertently learn about wizards. No complaints.
16. Keith Richards
The Rolling Stones guitarist would already be passed out by the time I got there at two in the afternoon. Turns out he held a pre-game morning barbecue and he’s just napping so he doesn’t tire out for his after-party barbecue party. The guy’s still got it.
15. Gary Holt
The guitarist for Exodus and Slayer would throw a sick party, but he seems like he’d call me “Big Guy” and “Chief” the entire time. While at first I’d be rather annoyed by it, I’m definitely going to feel slighted when he starts calling his friend Craig those names too. I thought I was special, Gary. Fuck Craig.
14. Dr. Know
While the Bad Brains guitarist would throw an excellent barbecue, he’d likely tell me all about the DC hardcore scene in the ’70s and ’80s the entire time. Usually, this is something I’m interested in, but today my main focus is getting shitfaced in a kiddie pool.
13. Carrie Brownstein
Carrie would host a farm-to-table barbecue and we’d all get six courses. While I wouldn’t be crazy about the fourth dish, the sixth would really make up for it. There are also somehow eight dogs at this barbecue. That is something I endorse.
12. Willie Nelson
Willie would tell his guests that his barbecue was a potluck. To normal people, a potluck means we all bring one dish, but Willie thinks it means we’re all going to smoke a shit load of weed. Great, I made four pounds of potato salad for nothing. Or maybe not, actually.
11. Slash
Slash would throw a fun barbecue, but I’d really want to wear a top hat to it and of course he’s already wearing one. This is going to get awkward pretty fast.
10. Noodles
The Offspring guitarist would have unlimited breadsticks at his barbecue. Also, fettuccini alfredo. Then tiramisu for dessert. Wait, was this barbecue catered by Olive Garden? That must be why he keeps saying “When you’re here, you’re family.”
9. Nita Strause
Nita would tell you her barbecue is going to have some of the best grillmasters in the world, and she would be right, but they would all be there just to watch her grill and take notes.
8. Tony Iommi
The Black Sabbath guitarist’s idea of a barbecue would include igniting a nine-foot-tall bonfire in the woods while he reads passages from the “Book of the Dead” that no one knows how he got. Feels like we’d be one suggestion away from an animal sacrifice. Honestly, I’ve been to worse parties.
7. Johnny Marr
The Smiths guitarist would beg everyone not to tell Morrissey about his party, even though it never crossed anyone’s mind to begin with. More parties should be transparent about not allowing Morrissey at them.
6. Kerry King
There’s just something about Kerry that makes me believe this man knows his way around a grill. In fact, he’d have four or five separate grills going at once and somehow always be manning them without even looking. However, I’d get a little concerned over the amount of lighter fluid he uses. Not sure where one buys a five-gallon jug of it.
5. Charo
The legendary flamenco guitarist would show off how slick of a griller she is and everyone would be floored at her shish kebob work. We’d ask her how she got so good, and she’d regale us with a story about how she used to lock herself in her bedroom for hours to practice grilling until her fingers bled. Well, it paid off.
4. Kirk Hammett
Kirk would assemble a sick playlist for the party and would air guitar the solos somehow flawlessly. The only downside is that he’d keep enthusiastically asking me if I’ve “heard of this cool band” that we all definitely know already. Like yeah, Kirk. Everyone’s heard of Judas Priest.
3. Omar Rodríguez-López
By the time the party was over, Omar would have written, recorded, mixed, and released an album of all new material. I don’t know how he did that in between officiating potato sack races, but I’m glad we all got a copy as a parting gift
2. Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein
Doyle would throw a Halloween-themed barbecue in August. He would even carve a summer jack-o-lantern even though we don’t know where he bought a pumpkin this time of year. Starting to think Doyle celebrates Halloween every month, and that is something I can get behind.
1. Dolly Parton
Dolly knows everyone, so this barbecue is going to span at least seven backyards. If I’m not feeling the vibe at Backyard #2, I could always check out the action in Backyard #5. Geographical flexibility is the most important trait of a successful barbecue.