It’s summer, which means two things: I want to go to a barbecue and I want to do so in a famous guitarist’s backyard. That’s why we stopped viewing these 50 distinguished guitarists as musicians and started assessing them as hosts of a summer cookout. Here’s how they ranked.
50. Eric Clapton
Eric would use the phrase “I’m not racist, but” an uncomfortable amount, so I’d have no choice but to sneak out right after I ate without saying goodbye.
49. Jack White
Jack would cancel his barbecue a half hour after everyone got there because, according to him, the grill “just didn’t feel right today.” I don’t know what that means but I won’t be asking follow-up questions.
48. Steve Albini
Steve is going to go on and on about how the Pixies always threw a way better barbecue than Nirvana ever did, but they didn’t get enough credit in the mainstream for doing so. That’s not something I care about when I’m five beers deep.
47. Greg Ginn
The Black Flag guitarist would ask us all to chip in to help fund his barbecue despite making us pay a $5 cover to get in. Total cheapskate.
46. Ace Frehley
The Kiss guitarist would own an over-the-top flashy apron that says something like “kiss the cook” that he wears while barbecuing and you know he has a couple extra at a merch table he set up. But we all know it’s just a gimmick to distract us from the fact that he’s an average griller at best.
45. J Mascis
J Mascis would text me while I was on my way to ask if I could pick up a five-pound bag of ice. No problem, right? But 10 minutes later he would see if I could get some ketchup too since it totally slipped his mind. Then burgers. Oh, and hot dogs. Also, buns. I’d basically be supplying this whole thing.
44. John Mayer
John would make a lot of weird gestures with his face and mouth as he grills up a plate of burgers. Almost like he’s in pain. Something tells me that’s completely unnecessary and it’s making us all uneasy. But unfortunately there’s no good way to broach the “grill face” thing with him.
43. Zakk Wylde
Zakk is an experienced griller, but he seems like he’d make us hunt and kill our own food for the barbecue. He’d drop us off in a forest, arm us each with a bow and arrow, and tell us not to come back until we’ve “bagged a deer.” I’m just not built for that type of hands-on barbecue.
42. Noel Gallagher
Noel is definitely the kind of guy who would pick up an acoustic guitar at a party and play “Wonderwall” after saying something like “I wrote this on my own with no help from anyone.” Read the room, Noel.
41. Rivers Cuomo
Rivers would wear his shirt in the pool and I couldn’t get past that. He’d also ask us to keep the noise levels down to a minimum so we don’t disturb the neighbors, even though their party is already more boisterous than his. I might just go next door.
40. Yngwie Malmsteen
Yngwie would make everyone hang out in the front yard while he grills in the back because that’s all just “part of his process.” Evidently, his process also consists of boasting about how great of a cook he is. He’d make it difficult to separate the grill from the griller.
39. Joan Jett
I’d feel like kind of a dork when I start complaining about the humidity and she’s over there grilling while wearing a leather jacket not even breaking a sweat. Outdoor parties are typically at their best when we’re all suffering from the heat together as a unit.
38. Brian “Head” Welch
The Korn guitarist would host a barbecue that was sponsored by Monster Energy. He wouldn’t reveal that to us directly, but I’d put it together after seeing the coolers full of them, Monster Energy-infused snacks, and patio umbrellas with that “M” logo everywhere. Personally, I prefer barbecues that aren’t sponsored by energy drinks.
37. Bilinda Butcher
The My Bloody Valentine guitarist’s party would be a lot more fun if she assembled a livelier playlist. I mean, I like Slowdive and Elliott Smith as much as the next guy, but would it kill you to put on “Who Let the Dogs Out”?
36. Albert Hammond Jr.
The Strokes guitarist would invite us all to his barbecue in a condo in Brooklyn, only he uses a George Foreman Grill to cook hamburgers one at a time in his galley kitchen. I don’t think one bed, one bath apartments in Park Slope are meant for this sort of summertime event.
35. Ani DiFranco
There are plenty of decent vegan burgers on the market that will do in a pinch, but Ani would only have patties made out of beets and pressed lentils that not only taste strange, but smell bad and fall apart as soon as you look at them.
34. Scott Ian
Scott would have nothing but cornhole boards strewn across his backyard and would constantly encourage us all to play in some sort of tournament. He would even call himself the commissioner and volunteer to keep score. Can’t we just hang out, Scott?
33. Alanis Morissette
Everyone knows that when you show up to barbecues you exclusively talk about your favorite family sitcoms of the late’80s and early ’90s and the fact we would all have to tiptoe around mentioning “Full House” would be a problem.
32. Brian Baker
The Minor Threat, Bad Religion, and Dag Nasty guitarist’s barbecue would feature six live bands, four of which he’d be in. Starting to think he’d see us less as guests to a barbecue and more of an audience he can perform to. Very sneaky, Brian.
31. Lars Frederiksen
Lars would have a designated fence we would all use to urinate on in his backyard. While it’s fairly convenient and surprisingly private, I’d likely have to take a dump at some point and it turns out his fence is the only form of plumbing on his entire property.