WASHINGTON—Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was briefly hospitalized earlier this week after a reported altercation with legendary vampire hunter Van Helsing, multiple Beltway insiders confirmed.
“Oh, my daughter helped me with the groceries earlier this week,” said Feinstein, which, while nice, had nothing to do with the question. “Margaret got me oranges, they’re so sweet. I remember eating the oranges my father used to get. No second rate vampire hunter will ever kill me, no matter how hard they try. I’ll fight them until my dying breath which won’t be for another 300 years if the prophecy holds. How I love oranges.”
Mr. Van Helsing gave his expert insight into the incident, explaining that this sort of behavior from elected officials is more common than the public realizes.
“See, it’s always these older senators that are the worst,” said the esteemed monster hunter in a comically thick Dutch accent. “They don’t have any experience on what the average American’s life is like, so there’s no way they can effectively govern over the people. Also, they prefer to gorge on the blood of the innocent in order to retain their power. It’s an ineffective system at best.”
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell vowed to stop the “politically motivated” attacks on his fellow creatures of the night.
“When that young upstart tried attacking me earlier this year, I was in a pretty weak state. I hadn’t fed for days and just barely managed to get away,” said McConnell. “I still get flashbacks about the attack, the last one was a couple weeks ago. This cannot happen again. I am going to introduce legislation to Congress ensuring that we get at least one or two human sacrifices per session, so all representatives will be able to fight against a holy blade.”
As of press time, McConnell’s “Sacrificial Lambs for Congress” Act was passed with complete bipartisan support.