YUMA, Ariz. — Local mathcore drummer Elmore Verrichek is exceedingly humiliated at his inability to master the rhythms of an arcade whack-a-mole machine, sources confirmed while pointing and snickering.
“One of the other guys I play with in Used Clown Car invited me to his little sister’s birthday party at the pizza arcade, and I knew the minute I saw that machine, everyone was going to want the ‘fancy drummer’ to grab the mallet and wow everyone. Suddenly all my years of lessons were out the window as I tried and failed to hit that little fucker just once,” said a flushed Verricheck, as veins bulged from his forehead. “Just when I thought I got a feel for the pattern, he’d pop up out of a hole I wasn’t even looking at, with that evil grin on his face. I even tried grabbing my own sticks from the car, but that just made me look dumber.”
8-year-old birthday girl Zoraida Carillo shared her dismay, but for a different reason.
“My brother’s friend ruined my party! Why couldn’t he just play the game like a normal guy? Why did he have to be so stupid and weird? He was kicking the machine and yelling at the moles while I was blowing out my candles and making my wish,” whined Carillo, clutching a brand new teddy bear. “What if that jerk gets my wish because he was screaming that the machine ate his tokens louder than I was wishing?? I want a do-over with no lame guys allowed!”
Arcade game manufacturers at Primetime Amusements report that the musician’s terrible ability is no mere coincidence.
“Oh, we love to screw around with pretentious percussionists. That’s why I got into the business, frankly. Just because a fella can keep time on songs in 13/8 doesn’t mean he can anticipate where our little furry friend is going to pop up next. We program the shit out of these babies to ensure it,” said Primetime Amusements’ head technician Kimmy Tedeschi. “It’s the same software that makes real guitar players so god-awful at Guitar Hero and Rockband. It’s just our way of doing a public service, since they make the world suffer through their unlistenable ‘technically proficient’ music.”
At press time, Verrichek was notified that he had been kicked out of Used Clown Car in favor of a more talented new drummer, Pasqually P. Pieplate of the Chuck E. Cheese animatronic stage show.