Mask Made From Band Shirt Judged

Posted on by James Webster

LOS ANGELES — Local metalhead Rob Kurtz was reportedly called out at the grocery store yesterday for converting an old Deafheaven shirt into a face mask, extremely judgemental sources confirmed.

“I made a mask from a Deafheaven shirt. Big fucking deal,” said Kurtz. “I like them a lot, and I thought the design was cool. Metal purists have always hated them, and I get that, but this might be the one time that pestilence isn’t cool. The state of California requires us to wear masks to prevent Coronavirus, and the only thing I’m interested in spreading is good music.”

Fellow metalhead Dustin Esposito was the first person to recognize Kurtz’s mask, and felt no remorse for calling Kurtz a poser.

“Black Metal is a brutal genre. It worships death,” said Esposito. “If you’re not gonna commit to it fully, you shouldn’t even like it at all. Deafheaven writes songs about girls, for Christ’s sake — nowhere in their entire catalog is there a single mention of Odin, Yggdrasil, or Ragnarok. It’s fake metal. It would literally be better to go without a mask than expose yourself like he did… and I’m living, breathing proof of that. I bet he can’t even tell the difference between good and bad screaming.”

Kristin Belekoff, a registered nurse and metal fan herself, weighed in on Kurtz’s act.

“Wear a mask. There’s absolutely no reason not to wear a mask,” Belekoff said while searching a supply closet for a fresh set of gloves before settling on two plastic bags. “I didn’t want to take masks away from my fellow healthcare workers, and so I started making them from band shirts. But I got so fucking tired of people asking me to name my favorite album by whatever band that I’m back to scrounging around our underfunded hospital. These are strange and unprecedented times we live in, when it’d be better to be called a poser than to die from a preventable virus.”

“I’m a woman in the metal scene,” she added. “I know a thing or two about survival in the face of these gatekeeping morons.”

Esposito reportedly tried to follow Kurtz to the checkout line to ask him his top three ’90s Black Metal albums, but he was experiencing shortness of breath and couldn’t manage to speak.

Photo by James Webster. 

Hand-Washing Speedruns Condemned by World Health Organization

Posted on by Alejandro Jaramillo

ATWATER, Ohio — Following a recent days-long conference focused on the COVID-19 outbreak held in Helsinki, Denmark, members of the World Health Organization have officially condemned all submissions, both present and future, made to the hand-washing speedrun community.

“We here at the World Health Organization have officially set the recommended time of washing your hands to at least 20 seconds long,” explained WHO Board member Dr. Maria Rubio. “You can take 21 seconds long, or even 22 seconds long if you wish. But right now, the minimum is set at 20 seconds. No less than that, please.”

While some find this decision to be a progressive step towards a safer, healthier world, many in the handwashing speedrun community were outraged.

“This honestly couldn’t have come at a worst time for us. We just had the official rules revised for the 8th time since the community was established in 2011,” said Noah Murphy, 17, a longtime participant in handwashing speedruns who currently holds the fastest Two Hands No Dry record of 4.31 seconds. “We finally got a rule in there that your hands had to at least touch the water, and we finally got bars of soap banned entirely. It was going to be a really great year for the community.”

Murphy had hopes of branching out into other facets of competitive washing, including Full Body Runs and was even toying with the notion of entering the blitzkrieg scene of Just Rinsing The Dick Off Your Hands runs.

“These competitions need to be halted indefinitely,” said Rubio. “We will get back to normal life if we fight this together. In the meantime, maybe these speedwashers can just enjoy the act of washing their hands and maybe reflect on why it is they are so devoted to mastering this activity?”

As of press time, Murphy, along with many others displaced by the WHO’s decision, have found a new sense of belonging among the welcoming participants of the recently founded ass-wiping speedrun community.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

How to Process Trauma One Kink at a Time

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Processing trauma is a lengthy and emotionally taxing endeavor. During this process it’s important to keep in mind that your trauma does not define you and it is not your fault. Your experiences have made you the incredible and strong person you are today and, while working through this may be difficult, it’s necessary to push through so you can have healthy interpersonal relationships.

So speaking as someone with unresolved trauma, and your sexual partner, I’m gonna need you to take this whip and…

Wait, no, just listen! Exposure therapy is the leading treatment for even the highest levels of anxiety. Especially those caused by trauma. The name typically refers to “exposing” your senses to the source of your trauma until your mind and body no longer recognize these triggers as immediate threats. So just put on this gimp outfit and let’s get healthy!

Look, a relationship is a partnership. Be my partner on this. Remember when you were too anxious to drive in the city so I went with you on all those trips so you’d have support from someone who loves you? Well I’d appreciate it if you supported me. Physically, I mean. Please physically support me while I climb into the sex swing I constructed in our room while you were at work.

You’re always thinking so negatively. I need you to think more sex positively.

Hmm, well you just said “okay” but you didn’t sound convincing. Let’s take it slow to start. The first step in trauma therapy is identifying a fear hierarchy. This is a list of triggering stimuli that you rank from least to most traumatic. Let’s just start with some light choking/furry play and work our way up to the real good stuff.

I want to thank you for understanding and being there for me. I know overcoming your fears about kinky sex is scary. So is dealing with trauma. But with the right combination of exposure therapy and a loving, supporting partner, we can overcome this together.

Quarantined Stoner Trying to Form One-Person Drum Circle

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LINCOLN, Neb. — Local stoner Dan “Stems” Thompson overcame the crushing despair of social isolation today by attempting to create a one-person drum circle while quarantined during the COVID-19 pandemic, hopeful sources confirmed.

“When this virus first hit, I wasn’t sure how I was going to live without the sweet sound of 20 of my brothers slapping their djembes in drug-fueled unison. But after a big Kush session and staring into the ether for three hours, I realized that no pandemic could stop the rhythm. Bro, I am the circle,” said Mr. Thompson from his bean bag chair. “Every drum I have is placed in a perfect circle in my living room — I just run back and forth while the vibration carries me. The drums rid my soul of the demons, like a giant smudge stick.”

While many find Thompson’s efforts ambitious, his peers aren’t surprised by his dedication.

“Stems is a warrior, man — of course he’s going to keep the beat alive. I don’t think he creates a beat for us to hear, though… I think he projects the song that’s already inside him for the world to experience,” said longtime friend and fellow drummer Thad “Binger” Wilson. “Once we were super baked in Durango and we happened on a drum circle, but we didn’t have our drums. Most guys would have given up, but Stems grabbed a trash can, dumped the trash on the ground, and beat the bottom of that bucket like a pro. The guy is so spiritual.”

Despite Thompson’s efforts, drum circles around the world are in drastic decline during COVID-19, causing widespread concern. However, Dr. Ferb “The Herb” Leopold, Director of Music History at Boulder’s Kind Vibes Institute, urged calm.

“We routinely see huge lulls in participation during times of turmoil. We saw dismal numbers in the 30s in Germany, and the 60s in Southeast Asia… and let’s not even talk about the 80s, man — motherfuckers started playing frisbee golf and juggling sticks. If the didgeridoo didn’t show up, all would have been lost,” Dr. Leopold explained.” But generally there will be one. One will overcome these odds; they will thrive in this era. Mr. Thompson is that one. He will reign down upon us with all his glory as he rebirths the movement. One love, my friends. One love.”

Mr. Thompson was unavailable for further comment as he was eating cereal.

Irresponsible Villagers Still Attending Concerts During Pandemic

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

BIG SKY ISLAND — Residents of a single-island community in the remote ocean are defying the government’s orders for social isolation amid the Coronavirus pandemic by gathering to watch K.K. Slider perform every weekend.

A few concerned residents reported that the island’s town square remains packed every Saturday night with villagers refusing to stand six feet apart, despite there being plenty of space outside of Resident Services.

“Call me a sour puss, but it’s not right,” said Apollo, a concerned eagle living on Big Sky. “We’ve got this disease out there infecting tens of thousands of people, and everyone’s out listening to this pup ramble on like it’s no big deal. What happened to social distancing, pah?”

Despite the severity of the disease, Big Sky seems to be entirely unphased by the pandemic, with all shops remaining open. The island’s local museum curator Blathers even came under fire on social media for refusing to wear gloves while handling incoming donations.

Because of the overly relaxed environment, Big Sky’s stalk market has seen a massive boom. Turnip prices have remained stable as residents buy in bulk. Analysts are even predicting a big spike Wednesday around noon.

“Hm, yes, we can’t just stop living because of this now can we?” mused island owner Tom Nook. “These wonderful islanders still have loans to pay off, you see? We can’t just allow the bell economy to collapse. No, no, that won’t do.”

Meanwhile, residents continue to fly to other islands, increasing the risk of bringing the disease back to Big Sky. When asked for comment, a representative from Dodo Airlines assured us that the situation was “okay, because this is a sea plane.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

When Are Cokeheads Going to Get Their Own Holiday?!

Posted on by Ryan Danley

I am so sick of being left out. Every year 4/20 rolls around and the entire country throws this huge celebration for everyone who smokes pot. Well, you know what? Some of us don’t smoke pot. Some of us snort cocaine. And that someone is me. And I will no longer be drug shamed.

Oh, I’m sure everyone is going to tell you that smoking pot is “all-natural.” They all love to say it opens your mind and you don’t even have to steal from your grandparents to afford it. But who wants that?

Does your “miracle drug” give you the freedom to talk for hours on end to anyone standing within earshot? Does it get you motivated to vacuum in the middle of the night? Does it make you better at customer service? Weed doesn’t do any of that shit. Cocaine totally does.

Oh, You think weed has medicinal properties? Well, thanks to cocaine I’m thin as a rail and I’m never gonna die! Plus I’m pretty sure I can read minds now. Good luck getting on my level with your “heady indica” fucker.

So when is our Coke holiday? When can we be celebrated for our contributions? There has been so much art, music, and insider trading that rode on the back of that powdered gold. It is a true gift to our world. We will no longer be second class drug users.

Come out of the shadows fellow cokeheads! Come out of that dive bar bathroom and be counted! Whether you snort it, rock it up, or smoke it off tinfoil while sitting on a bare mattress in a run-down house you are invited to celebrate the same liberties as our pothead friends. This is our time! We will ride this snowstorm to the top!

Oh, when you’re holding please don’t cut up little tiny pinner rails, please cut some pinky sized quarter gram gaggers. This ain’t grade school.

Let’s make Coke Day a reality! We should pick a date that already has some notoriety attached to it, I’m thinking maybe Hitler’s birthday?

Sleep Album Still Playing From Last 4/20

Posted on by Kevin Tit

NEWPORT, Ky. — Notable stoner and “flat earth” conspiracy theorist John Hays has been playing the same Sleep album continuously since last year’s 4/20 celebration, multiple sober sources confirm.

“Holy shit… it’s been a full year already? Time flies when you’re getting high, brother!” Hays exclaimed after a rip from his four-foot bong. “I fucking love Sleep! The band, I mean. Yeah, I like sleeping, too, but you were asking me about the band, right? They’re the greatest band on the planet!”

“Contrary to popular belief, the planet’s not actually round, though. Pretty crazy right?” added Hays. “Scientists have been lying to us forever. Speaking of scientists, have you ever heard the Sleep album ‘The Sciences?’ It’s next level, dude.”

Local librarian and Hays’ former neighbor Jenny Cavalerro moved away earlier this year, thanks to the non-stop playing of the album.

“I couldn’t fucking take it anymore,” a visibly upset Cavalerro announced. “I never wanted to be the grumpy neighbor, but I heard that record through the walls every day for God knows how long. I never knew if it was the same song or a new song — I felt like I was losing my mind. One time, I tried going over there to ask them to turn it down, but that brain-dead stoner just said, ‘okay,’ then texted me five minutes later saying that the neighbors came by and asked if I would turn my music down. How has he stayed alive this long?”

Hays is reportedly on much better terms with his new neighbor.

“I really lucked out moving in here,” Guitar Center assistant manager Evan Wolff stated. “John and I hang out all the time. And I really don’t mind hearing Sleep every day, but after about three days and no note change, I started to get suspicious — I’ve since learned that it’s safe to assume that hearing the exact same chord ring out over and over is just a normal part of any Sleep song. I’ve tried bringing it up to him a few times, but we always end up getting really high, and by the time he’s done ranting about our “flat earth,” we forget to flip the record.”

At press time, a beyond-blazed Hays was flipping the record from side A back to side A.

‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ Pros Demand Rock Nerfed

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

MIAMI — Controversy has recently erupted in the Rock, Paper, Scissors pro circuit as a subset of players are now insisting on changes to the tournament ruleset which would significantly nerf Rock.

“While other moves have a startup animation, Rock is able to do damage right from the first frame,” explained JoeShamb0, one of the first proponents of the Rock nerf and the third-ranked Scissors player in the United States. “So, if a player throws down Rock while they’re still in the neutral, then notices their opponent is going Paper, they can pull off a Scissors Cancel — switching to Scissors — if their input is quick enough. Players continue to abuse this tactic, ruining the honest play RoPaSc is built on.”

JoeShamb0’s suggested change would replace Rock’s fist stance with a thumbs up to increase the number of startup frames. However, the proposed debuffing is not met with open arms among the community of players.

“I don’t think we need to change anything,” said fan-favorite Rock main AndShoot, who was quick to correct reporters accidentally calling him just “Shoot.” “The other pros are just mad because I main Rock and I win pretty much every third RoPaSc tournament.”

If approved, this would not be the first time the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors have been significantly modified for tournaments. The precedent was set when DLC fighters including Dynamite and Gun were banned under the ruling that they can be fun in the schoolyard and home games, but they are overpowered and have no place in the RoPaSc competitive landscape.

“I can see where these players are coming from in wanting to nerf Rock,” says Rock, Papre, Scissors league referee, Chris Williams. “It does have a pretty significant advantage against Scissors. Though, Scissors is able to pretty easily bring down Paper. But then again, Paper is pretty powerful against Rock. Of course, Scissors tends to get beat by Rock in every match they’re against each other.”

At press time, Chris Williams continued to trail off as reporters packed up and left to catch their flight.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Middle Earth Temporarily Bans Fellowships of More Than Five

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

MINAS TIRITH — The White Council of the Wise issued a decree today that all fellowships in Middle Earth shall be no larger than five companions for at least the next quarter-age to help slow the spread of the Samund-01 curse that has already killed over 30,000 elves, dwarves, and men.

“The following measures are to be implemented with great haste across Middle Earth,” said Council leader Saruman the White via palantir. “Taverns and mines are to cease operations immediately, and all festivals and Entmoots are to be postponed. When you do venture, maintain a social distance of two longswords. Only essential quests are to be embarked upon.”

Originating from Mordor and spread by Nazgul, the Samund Curse has hit the Kingdom of Gondor hardest. Lord Denethor, Steward of Gondor, insisted that he had handled the threat very well, despite nearly 90% of Minas Tirith showing signs of the curse and over 2,000 dead.

“I’ve done a great job, a tremendous job, leading this Kingdom against the Mordor curse. It came from Mordor, while that fake king wanders around with his little half-people and that horrible woman from Aerosmith,” said Denethor from his tower atop a castle atop a mountain. “My good son Boromir has done a great job as well — much better than sleepy king Theoden retreating to Helm’s Deep, or singin’ Elrond hiding up in Riverdale. Anyone who wants a counter-curse can get a counter-curse.”

Emergency measures have already affected many residents of Middle Earth. Most recently, a long-expected party in the Shire was cancelled just one day before it was scheduled to take place.

“I had everything ready: the tents and tables, the food and drink, scores of guests arriving. I had fucking fireworks!” said Bilbo Baggins, 111, of Hobbiton. “Do you know how long I’ve had this party planned? How it has dominated my every thought and action since I returned from the Battle of the Five Armies? They cannot take away our freedom to have parties. We’re hobbits. Parties are… precious to us.”

Until a cure is brought by giant eagles just when everything seems darkest, residents of Middle Earth are advised to control the curse’s spread by washing frequently, not eating any orc, and not believing everything they hear on the palantir.

Calvin Arrested for 13,900,660 Counts of Public Urination

Posted on by John Danek

WASHINGTON — Calvin, the co-star of the influential newspaper comic strip “Calvin & Hobbes,” was arrested today in conjunction with almost 14 million acts of public urination, federal prosecutors report.

“Calvin’s 25-year-long reign of terror and urine has come to an end,” announced federal prosecutor Maria Gavin. “We have not yet established a clear motive, but we do know that his primary targets were pickup trucks owned by persons mostly residing in economically depressed areas, and we are exploring if such a class-based crime can qualify as a hate crime. With victims in all 50 states, this is being treated as a major felony.”

Calvin himself addressed reporters after his arraignment.

“What the fuck? None of those 14 million examples look a thing like me,” argued a 34-year-old, unshaven Calvin. “I was just sitting at home, minding my business, doing my job for Ticketmaster where I buy Lady Gaga tickets to resell on their reseller site at a profit… when all of a sudden, BOOM! My door gets kicked down and someone throws a flashbang grenade in.”

“They totally ruined my high, too — was it necessary for them to confiscate my sess?” asked Calvin, possibly incriminating himself further. “And so what if I did piss on every pickup manufactured between 1992 and 2009? The real criminals are the bankers. It’s time we get those fuckers behind bars. And the Bilderbergs. You guys listen to Joe Rogan?”

Hobbes, Calvin’s former partner, lamented his friend’s turn towards degeneracy.

“Every single day, I think about where things went wrong,” sighed a tired Hobbes, who now works as a social worker outside of Jackson, Miss. “We had such good, innocent times; I thought they’d last forever. But then he started hanging out with that alcoholic Hagar the Horrible more and more, and before long, I was too boring for Calvin. Last time I heard from him, he tried pitching me on a dietary supplements pyramid scheme.”

The news is just the latest in a string of high-profile comic strip crimes, including Odie of “Garfield” fame and his pending insider trading trial.

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