I am so sick of being left out. Every year 4/20 rolls around and the entire country throws this huge celebration for everyone who smokes pot. Well, you know what? Some of us don’t smoke pot. Some of us snort cocaine. And that someone is me. And I will no longer be drug shamed.
Oh, I’m sure everyone is going to tell you that smoking pot is “all-natural.” They all love to say it opens your mind and you don’t even have to steal from your grandparents to afford it. But who wants that?
Does your “miracle drug” give you the freedom to talk for hours on end to anyone standing within earshot? Does it get you motivated to vacuum in the middle of the night? Does it make you better at customer service? Weed doesn’t do any of that shit. Cocaine totally does.
Oh, You think weed has medicinal properties? Well, thanks to cocaine I’m thin as a rail and I’m never gonna die! Plus I’m pretty sure I can read minds now. Good luck getting on my level with your “heady indica” fucker.
So when is our Coke holiday? When can we be celebrated for our contributions? There has been so much art, music, and insider trading that rode on the back of that powdered gold. It is a true gift to our world. We will no longer be second class drug users.
Come out of the shadows fellow cokeheads! Come out of that dive bar bathroom and be counted! Whether you snort it, rock it up, or smoke it off tinfoil while sitting on a bare mattress in a run-down house you are invited to celebrate the same liberties as our pothead friends. This is our time! We will ride this snowstorm to the top!
Oh, when you’re holding please don’t cut up little tiny pinner rails, please cut some pinky sized quarter gram gaggers. This ain’t grade school.
Let’s make Coke Day a reality! We should pick a date that already has some notoriety attached to it, I’m thinking maybe Hitler’s birthday?