If I Have to Vote for a DC Insider, It’s Gonna Be Ian Mackaye

Posted on by Bobby D. Lux

I take my voting seriously. I’m not one of these people who believe in protest votes. Too many scene veterans gave up their lives and clean rap sheets for me to make a mockery of voting for some joke.

We all want someone we can believe in, but last time I checked, we’re all punks. We all know nobody’s worth believing in. It’s always going to be a choice between an outsider or a DC insider. The insider always wins.

That’s why if I have to vote for a DC Insider, my vote goes to Ian MacKaye. It’s a no-brainer.

Ian is the only guy who has a solid track record of getting things done in DC for decades. When I think DC, one name comes to mind. Bands, shows, labels, Ian is a job creator like nobody else. When any goof with a camera comes by for a documentary, Ian always makes time.

Is Ian the only person I considered voting for? Of course not. I would love to cast my vote for HR. In my heart, he’s the guy. He’s got more presence and passion in his little finger than all these other people combined. Is HR as qualified as Ian? Fuck yeah, he is. That said, if we’re going to talk about HR, we need to have a serious discussion about electability.

Sadly, too much of the country isn’t ready for HR. That’s a shame.

Is there anyone else out of DC worth your vote? I can already hear some of you: what about Henry Rollins?

Rollins’ DC roots speak for themself. He’s as qualified for the gig as Ian and HR. But with Rollins there’s always going to be whispers about going Hollywood. Is he the same Hank from DC? I think so, but there are too many voters out there afraid of an old “sell-out” scandal to pop up right before the election. We just can’t risk it.

Whenever the next big election is, if I remember to show up, I’m voting for Ian MacKaye.

Woman Buys 100 Boxes of Hair Dye Just for the Gloves

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

LANSING, Mich. — Local punk Diana Spalsbury purchased 100 boxes of semi-permanent hair dye yesterday, just for the pair of disposable gloves that come inside each package.

“I got the idea when I was using an old box of hair dye and giving myself a quarantine-boredom makeover,” said Spalsbury. “I’ve been looking for gloves and they’re sold out everywhere… but stores still have a shitload of hair dye, so it works out pretty well. The only bad part is that I just charged like, $900 on my Chase card, and they’re already all pissed off at me, so whatever. At least now, if I ever need 42 bottles of Blackest Brown dye, I’ll be covered.”

Though their household now has a stockpile of gloves from the boxes of hair dye, Diana’s husband Mike isn’t thrilled about the expenses.

“I mean, I guess it’s good that we have enough pairs of gloves to last us a while,” said Mike. “But those boxes of hair dye really ate up our stimulus checks… and they kind of just take up a ton of room, too. I mean, we still have to buy groceries — I don’t know what we’re gonna do. I guess our cupboard’s gonna be full of Top Ramen and L’Oreal Paris Superior Preference Fade-Defying + Shine Permanent Hair Color. Fuckin’ sucks.”

Representatives of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found Spalsbury’s methods to be unorthodox but unproblematic.

“Well, I’m not sure it’s the most cost-effective way to go,” said Rober R. Redfield, director of the CDC. “But as long as you’re washing your hands, avoiding touching your face, doing a patch test on a small area of skin that’s not readily visible, and keeping the dye on your head for no more than 30 minutes, I don’t see any problem with it.”

Spalsbury later ordered 50 pairs of Nikes for the tissue paper that comes inside every shoebox.

“I Guess Now Is As Good A Time As Any to Rewatch ‘Becker,'” States Quarantined Man Who Just Finished Eating His Entire Family

Posted on by Tim Nash

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local father Daniel Mercer had no choice but to rewatch the oft-overlooked ’90s sitcom “Becker” yesterday after murdering and consuming his wife and two young children less than two weeks into a self-imposed quarantine, according to police.

“I’m trying to keep it together, just like everybody else out there,” explained Mercer, clutching his “Becker” DVD box set, still wet with the blood of his firstborn son. “But I just finished ‘The Office’ for the 10th time before this whole thing started, and then I burned through ‘Cheers’ so quickly, there was really only one option left. I haven’t even opened the case for season 6 yet, so it’s almost like a whole new show to me.”

Next door neighbor and mother of four Emilia Owens described the strange and horrifying noises she overheard coming from the Mercer home.

“My God, it was awful,” recounted Owens, fighting back tears. “He must have fallen asleep while watching, because at one point it was stuck on the DVD menu for season two, disc three — I swear I can still hear the theme music. Other than that, haven’t heard a peep from the Mercers in a while. I did see Daniel barbecuing alone in the backyard recently. I suppose his family was inside patiently waiting for their supper. What a nice guy.”

Local police and paramedics eventually arrived to escort Mercer from the gruesome scene and bring him into custody.

“This isn’t going to stop until ‘Friends’ returns to a streaming platform,” lamented Ofc. Dennis Edwards, noting he himself had just started “Spin City” that week. “At this rate, we really can’t afford to wait until May for HBO Max.”

The outrageous incident even caught the eye of “Becker” star Ted Danson, who spoke with Mercer in prison.

“Honestly, I’ve always been fascinated in behavior such as this,” explained Danson. “What exactly motivates humans to snap in this way? Where does this animalistic drive come from? I feel we’ll be confronted with many questions like this in the coming weeks. At any rate, it’s always a privilege to meet a true fan.”

Disney Faces Backlash After Doc McStuffins’ Bizarre Coronavirus Rant

Posted on by Amir Adan

BURBANK, Calif. — Disney executives have come under fire for shocking statements made last night by animated television star Doc McStuffins during a Fox News roundtable discussion about the COVID-19 pandemic.

“Disney does not stand for the profanity-laced, insensitive, racist comments made by Ms. McStuffins,” Disney spokesperson Rachel Jorgensen said. “Her disgusting assertion that the ‘gross fucks with the bat flu deserve to die’ is not in line with company values, and we wholly disavow her statement. And myths about Bill Gates manufacturing this pandemic to take over the global healthcare system are not only baseless, but dangerous to be spreading to her audience.”

Fans of the show who once looked to McStuffins for advice are now speaking out about her comments and the harm they’ve caused.

“I’m just so disappointed that someone I trusted so much could say such things,” said six-year-old fan of the show, Maria Thompson. “I’ve watched her for most of my life, and she just always seemed so trustworthy and knowledgeable on her show. But after hearing her spew such ignorant thoughts about coronavirus, I’m not so sure anymore. Her insistence on calling it the ‘China virus’ and then doing a bad Chinese impression was way out of line. I will not be watching her show any longer.”

McStuffins, who lost her medical license in 2009 following a kickback scandal, responded to the backlash earlier this morning.

“Fuck off. I owe you nothing,” said an agitated McStuffins from her home. “This is just one big media circus to distract from the big picture — they want to devalue the currency and implant biometric chips into us, but nobody is seeing that! We must reopen the economy and take back our freedoms we’re losing during this martial law bullshit. We can not let fear control us, and we must return our country to normalcy.”

McStuffins’ show, which just aired its series finale this last weekend, is still scheduled to have reruns shown on the network, although Disney is discussing giving “Caillou” the lucrative time slot.

Facebook Employee Wastes Whole Day on Facebook Again

Posted on by Laura Merli

MENLO PARK — With a wave of disappointment washing over himself for squandering another potentially productive day, an employee at Facebook headquarters was reportedly distraught after realizing he’d wasted a whole day on Facebook again, sources confirmed.

“God, I can’t believe I wasted another day on this website,” sighed Facebook programmer Dave Bennett, who says he lost track of time endlessly scrolling through the sensitive personal data of 2.45 billion Facebook users in his feed. “Someday I’m going to do something that makes a difference in the world, a difference besides spreading conspiracy theories, propaganda memes, and reminders to your Aunt about happy memories with her now-deceased husband on this day 5 years ago.”

Like many people across the nation, Bennett goes on Facebook first thing in the morning. Despite his best intentions, the rest of his day usually gets sucked into Facebook as well.

“Making sure other people stay on Facebook all day is literally my full time job, and I guess I’m not immune to that, either,” Bennett lamented, before pausing to check some internal Facebook notifications on a proprietary Slack knock-off. “At the end of the day, what do I even have to show for being on Facebook all the time? Besides my 6-figure salary, I mean.”

At press time, Bennett said that although he wishes he spent less time on Facebook, he was at least glad to see that he wasn’t as seemingly miserable as the billions of Facebook users whose sad faces he can see through their webcams.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: 2020 Is Actually Good Because It Subverts Expectations

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

Where are all the new ideas?! Every movie is the same tired plot. Every TV show is full of unoriginal characters who we’ve seen over and over again for decades. Even areas of the real world like social media or politics plays out the same narrative year after year in a never ending loop until the end of time. And since we’re just about at the end of time, it’s so refreshing to see one thing came along and completely subvert our expectations. So, when you think about it that way, 2020 has actually been an amazing year.

Let’s start with politics. New characters entered the universe in 2020 but were left undeveloped and lacked any emotional arc, so it didn’t actually change anything. For instance, we could have edited out the entire DNC primary side plot and ended up in the same exact place. BUT, you thought it would impact the story, therefore it brilliantly subverted your expectations, thus, it’s actually really, really good.

What about Trump? The master of subverting expectations. Sure, Obama set up some great ideas. They may not have been the most original but they were interesting enough. But then the first thing Trump did was tear them all down! We gotta say, subverting our expectations of a working healthcare system was so ahead of its time it’s literally sickening.

Oh yeah, remember when they tried to impeach Trump but then nothing actually happened? Wow, nothing like a boring mutiny set piece to really throw the audience off. Do we even have any expectations left for 2020 at all?!

Hm. I’m beginning to think subverting expectations isn’t actually good, though. I think it might actually be ruining things when it’s overused just for the sake of surprising us.

In any event, fast forward to now. Let’s talk about it. The 400 pound pandemic in the room: coronavirus. If you had told us we’d spend a chunk of this year quarantined in our house, we would’ve said, “no way!” That’s just terrible writing. We already did the plague thing in the original trilogy, why would you repeat it?

So they knew about this disease months in advance and could have been preparing, but instead decided to subvert our expectations by allowing this super-plague to ravage our country? Wow, big respect! That is some next level subversion that the world may never recover from. So far 2020 is on track to be the most incredible year to date due to the genius idea to entirely subvert all possible expectations.

That said, “The Last Jedi” still sucked.

Quarantined Roommates Mistake Enabling Each Other’s Drinking As Burgeoning Friendship

Posted on by James Webster

ALBANY, N.Y. — Roommates Jonah Gray and Nic Shore have become fast friends under New York State’s PAUSE order by simply reinforcing each other’s drinking under the guise of intimacy, according to their third roommate.

“Before the quarantine started, we were never really that close,” said Gray. “I found this place on Craigslist and took a chance on living with strangers, and it was always fine. Like, I’d say ‘hey’ and nothing else if I saw him in the kitchen, but then I’d go back to my room and close the door, and that was that. But lately, I’ve realized we have a lot in common, and it turns out he’s the kind of guy who’s really fun to grab a beer with at 11 a.m.”

Shore agreed, enjoying the newfound company during his daily routine of day-drinking in the living room.

“I really don’t think quarantine is that bad,” slurred Shore. “Like, how hard is it to be in your own home, leaving once a day to buy more beer and exactly enough frozen shit to last you until the next time you go out? S’cool that Jonah gets it now. I think he used to judge me because my mom pays my rent, you know? But now he’s getting that government check, and the government’s just a bigger mom.”

“Twitter says there’s gonna be a rent strike soon, and after that, $1,200 buys a lot of Tecate and HBO GO,” Shore added. “We’re gonna be fine — Jonah, me, and whoever it is that lives in that third bedroom.”

Clay Luce, the house’s third occupant, is not exactly thrilled about the development.

“All the bills for this place are in my name, and I’d love it if they would take some of them off my hands. I’m the only one of us who still has a job, and working from home while those two are out in the living room getting shitcanned is just so annoying,” Luce stated. “They start early, they go late, and they don’t contribute anything to the house. They stress me out, but I guess that’s just the way friendship goes sometimes.”

At press time, all three roommates were wondering if they were too drunk to drive before realizing that there’s nowhere to go.

NYC Resident Plays Spider-Man Just to Remember What It Was Like to Walk Around

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Quarantined Manhattan resident Jesse Whittle is reportedly replaying Spider-Man on the PlayStation 4 just to remember what it was like to walk around the neighborhood he lives in.

“It’s not exactly the same as my real neighborhood. For example, where there should be a bodega, there’s a six person gang of criminals who shoot at me with guns,” said Whittle, a Chelsea resident. “But other than that, it’s pretty cathartic just to be outside again. And I can even wave to people. Remember waving to people? I miss so much about the outside world.”

Despite the catharsis, the game is making it difficult for Whittle to remember what’s real and what’s fiction.

“It’s tricky because we’ve been in quarantine for like two years or months or whatever. So I don’t really remember everything,” Whittle explained. “Like, was I actually able to do back flips and shit? Or is that part of the game? And was Electro a real dude? I feel like he might have been Mayor at some point… Either way, I’m just happy to be out and about again.”

At press time, Whittle was fast traveling between different spots on the map back and forth just to get a feel for what it was like to be on the subway.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Price of Barrel With Diddy Kong Stuffed Inside Reaches All Time Low

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DONKEY KONG ISLAND — The price of a wooden barrel containing Diddy Kong, beloved friend and sidekick of Donkey Kong, has plummeted to an all time low, sources across Kongo Jungle are reporting.

“Whoa, they can’t give that little dude away right now!” exclaimed local small business owner Funky Kong, who has had to temporarily close his travel agency, Funky’s Flights, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. “These are gnarly times, and it may be awhile before we know how truly bogus the effects of this Coronavirus are. I’m not sure this bodes well for the future of the economy, dudes!”

Long a principle export of the island, recent work stoppages and public health measures have contributed to the price of a barrel with Diddy Kong stuffed inside of it dropping to under a single banana for the first time since the product was introduced in 1994, causing the giant factories of Kremkroc Industries to start to question their once certain future.

“Frankly, DK has been in his house playing the drums for a month and so no one has been out here smashing these things,” said Dumb Drum, a sentinent barrel of oil who works as a foreman at one of several factories being affected. “So now we’re backed up and we’re paying to store the extras, which means we’re actually taking a loss on this shit. Wasn’t long ago K. Rool’s army was dying for these barrels!”

As of press time, Cranky Kong was making news of his own by publicly protesting the islandwide quarantine conditions put in place and hosting a rally atop the iconic rafters from the original Donkey Kong title.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Help: I Accidentally Opened This Livestream and I’m the Only Viewer and I Feel Bad Leaving

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

AHHHH! Fuck my stupid face in the dick with some shit! I was just scrolling when a notification that someone went live appeared right under my thumb and I clicked it by accident. Now all of a sudden I’m staring down the barrel of loaded livestream and there’s only one bullet. Please someone rip my taint off; I’m the only viewer in a really lame livestream but I can’t leave cus I’d feel bad.

It’s this dude I went to high school with and he’s doing some sort of “show” where he’s telling stories I guess? Or maybe it’s slam poetry? He was talking about a time his college professor forgot an umbrella and got to class soaking wet. But he recited this really bland story in the cadence of a rap battle. It was very weird and would have been uncomfortable for anyone else watching if, ya know, there was anyone else watching.

For real someone kill me now. I’d rather have my family look at a Zoom logo during my funeral than watch one more minute of this garbage. Hell, if someone was the only viewer at my livestream funeral, I wouldn’t be mad if they left.

If only someone else would join the stream. Then I could leave and he might not realize who left. Should I create a decoy Instagram account that I can leave logged into his stream? Seems like a lot of work but he’s an hour into the stream and isn’t showing any signs of slowing down so I probably have time. Hey, silver lining, at least now I own @WheetusFan311. Nice!

Oh shit, I just accidentally closed the livestream. Hey, wait, that actually solves my problem. Okay, crisis averte- oh fuck I just clicked it again! Help!!

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.