ALBANY, N.Y. — Roommates Jonah Gray and Nic Shore have become fast friends under New York State’s PAUSE order by simply reinforcing each other’s drinking under the guise of intimacy, according to their third roommate.
“Before the quarantine started, we were never really that close,” said Gray. “I found this place on Craigslist and took a chance on living with strangers, and it was always fine. Like, I’d say ‘hey’ and nothing else if I saw him in the kitchen, but then I’d go back to my room and close the door, and that was that. But lately, I’ve realized we have a lot in common, and it turns out he’s the kind of guy who’s really fun to grab a beer with at 11 a.m.”
Shore agreed, enjoying the newfound company during his daily routine of day-drinking in the living room.
“I really don’t think quarantine is that bad,” slurred Shore. “Like, how hard is it to be in your own home, leaving once a day to buy more beer and exactly enough frozen shit to last you until the next time you go out? S’cool that Jonah gets it now. I think he used to judge me because my mom pays my rent, you know? But now he’s getting that government check, and the government’s just a bigger mom.”
“Twitter says there’s gonna be a rent strike soon, and after that, $1,200 buys a lot of Tecate and HBO GO,” Shore added. “We’re gonna be fine — Jonah, me, and whoever it is that lives in that third bedroom.”
Clay Luce, the house’s third occupant, is not exactly thrilled about the development.
“All the bills for this place are in my name, and I’d love it if they would take some of them off my hands. I’m the only one of us who still has a job, and working from home while those two are out in the living room getting shitcanned is just so annoying,” Luce stated. “They start early, they go late, and they don’t contribute anything to the house. They stress me out, but I guess that’s just the way friendship goes sometimes.”
At press time, all three roommates were wondering if they were too drunk to drive before realizing that there’s nowhere to go.