Trapt Is My Favorite Band Because They Only Pick Fights Online Just Like Me

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It’s time to call a spade a spade and say that Trapt is the absolute greatest band of all time. Got a problem with that? You wanna fight me, bro?! If so, I’ll gladly meet you in the Twitter thread of my choosing and savagely educate you on the matter from a safe and comfortable distance just like my hero, Trapt singer, Chris “not ‘that’ Chris Brown but still pretty shitty” Brown.

Until the Trapt singer came along with his totally secure with himself online persona, there was literally zero representation in the music industry for real men like me. Alternative nu-metal got real soft ever since MTV stopped airing TRL. Wanna fight about that too? Then meet me online and come say it to Myspace.

Finally there is a band that purely represents me, a straight white guy with a perfectly groomed soul patch, several tribal tattoos, and a closet full of Affliction t-shirts who does all of his fighting exclusively over the internet. Ya know, I didn’t really get all that representation shit at first but seeing my favorite singer act exactly like me, I feel empowered and justified in my behavior. After some reflection, I think I need to remove some posts from r/ghostbusters. My bad.

They say to never meet your idols because they’ll disappoint you. It’s invigorating to know the guy I’ve been idolizing since hearing “Headstrong” is exactly how I pictured him.

Say what you will about Chris Brown but he puts his Pandora streams where his mouth is. He lives his lyrics. The man truly is headstrong and he will literally take on anyone. Just as long as you define “take on” as “pretend to win a twitter war” and “anyone” as “celebrities that will give his band exposure.”

You also have to admire Trapt’s online marketing approach. What better way to show you’re better than every other band in existence than to put down your peers unprovoked and burn every possible bridge you might have? Only complete dum-dums let their work speak for itself!

The thing that Trapt and I know is that to get ahead in this social media world, you need to educate the sheeple and put down currently successful celebrities as much as possible. Tell everyone how many records “lesser” bands have sold but make sure you round down by a lot. Attack Ice T and Chris Evans for reasons they aren’t even sure of. Most importantly, never waiver or question your behavior in the slightest. Ignore all social backlash or possible wrongdoing on your own part. That’s how you get headstrong to take on anyone. Just like my idol, Chris Brown.

Amazon Declares Moral Bankruptcy

Posted on by Justin Cox

SEATTLE — Online retailer Amazon officially declared moral bankruptcy today thanks to their ongoing, unethical treatment of employees amid the coronavirus pandemic.

“These are unprecedented times, and the only way we could continue forward is by declaring moral bankruptcy,” said Amazon CEO and Founder Jeff Bezos. “What choice do we have? Allow our warehouse employees to unionize? Deem them ‘essential’ to our business model? That would simply wreck our margins. We literally have no choice but to declare to the world that we have no souls or empathy if we want to keep it up. There’s no other way.”

With Amazon’s profits rising thanks to increased service demand, they truly have no choice but to change absolutely nothing.

“Thanks to coronavirus, the entire world is staying safely indoors and doing their shopping online, and that’s helped make this our most profitable quarter in history,” said Amazon COO Rosalind Brewer. “In order to keep things running efficiently, as always, our warehouse staff is working around the clock, every day. They’re moving toilet paper onto semi-trucks like their lives depend on it — and if I had things my way, they literally would.”

Worried about their future, Amazon employees were assured that the company has their best interests at heart.

“I guess Amazon is gonna run some commercial on Hulu or something to thank us for all of our hard work — I’ll probably never see it, but yeah, that’s nice, I guess,” said warehouse worker Darell Grant. “I guess the best thing to come out of this is that now, everyone will know how reprehensible it is to support Amazon… and that I’ll still have a job, since basically no one will stop shopping here.”

At press time, Bezos was investing $17 billion into a study to assess the impact of coronavirus on warehouse robots and shipping drones.

AMC Reopens Theaters With Strict ‘No Outside Coronavirus’ Policy

Posted on by Jon Wood

ATLANTA — AMC Theatres announced today that they will begin reopening locations across Georgia as the state begins relaxing its restrictions on non-essential businesses. Additionally, a statement from AMC CEO Adam Aron said that theaters will be enforcing a new policy to prevent patrons from smuggling in coronavirus contracted outside of their theaters.

“Concession sales are the lifeblood of our industry, and it sets a dangerous precedent if customers are allowed to bring in contagions that we offer through contact with any of our employees or non-disinfected surfaces,” said Aron. “For patrons who don’t wish to contract COVID-19 in our theaters, we have an assortment of homemade face coverings available for purchase.”

Georgia Governor Brian Kemp has praised AMC’s decision to reopen locations in his state, even suggesting that their “no outside coronavirus” policy could provide a useful template for other businesses struggling under this pandemic.

“We encourage all businesses to screen their customers for symptoms of coronavirus or any other infectious disease they may have brought from home,” Kemp said. “This mitigation will definitely help to offset whatever common sense safety guidelines we will be ignoring to get this economy humming again.”

In a recently televised segment, CNN chief medical correspondent and Atlanta resident Dr. Sanjay Gupta weighed in on AMC’s controversial reopening measures.

“Are these people insane? $8 bucks for a Vitamin Water, in this economy?! I’m probably the world’s biggest Martin Lawrence fan, but there is no way I’m taking my whole family to see ‘Bad Boys for Life’ in the theater when I can stay home, fire up Pirate Bay, and get coronavirus for free by chewing on this pen I stole from Chris Cuomo’s desk.”

As of press time, AMC is reportedly considering lifting their ban on coronavirus-infected patrons after securing two million servings of expired hydroxychloroquine from the Trump administration.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Emotional Neglect? My Partner Left Me Alone With My Thoughts

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Abuse comes in many forms and it doesn’t always appear on the surface. Physical abuse leaves marks on the skin. Emotional abuse leaves marks on the soul. It’s important we call out these unseen abuses, like how last week at Lauren’s party when my partner neglected my emotions in the worst conceivable way. By leaving me all alone with myself.

I hate me. Everyone knows that. In fact, the first person to know that should be my partner. See, I need to know that my partner cares. Would you leave the love of your life alone in a sketchy bar? Hell no! So why my so-called soulmate would leave me alone with my thoughts for almost an hour is beyond me. Maybe they aren’t the person I thought they were. How deep do the lies go?

People require different levels of care in order to flourish. Some people are like honeysuckles. They grow in even the harshest of conditions. Some people are more like orchids. They need to be constantly maintained and managed on what will feel like a minute by minute basis that will leave any partner a shell of their former self as they fruitlessly attempt to fix me. I mean the orchid. Fix the orchid. Anyway, I’m more of a honeysuckle.

I tried to talk to my friends about it but they kept emotionally neglecting me too! It’s like, they would be in the middle of nurturing my emotional needs and then all of a sudden, they would emotionally neglect me! I called them out and they were quick to emotionally nurture me, but seconds later they were neglecting me again! They called it “taking turns talking.” Dress it up all you want but I call it abuse.

I tried to address this with my partner but they kept using words that weren’t “you’re right” so I don’t think they really heard me. What we’re seeing here is a consistent pattern of neglect.

I don’t know how to solve this issue but I’ll have to figure that out later because my partner asked to take some time apart and I need to call the cops.

Woman Braces for 30 More Days of Battling Coronavirus by Eating Acid, Staring at Houseplants

Posted on by Lauren Lavín

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Following the order to continue sheltering in place for the next 30 days, local woman Autumn Adkins will battle the deadly virus by staying inside, taking LSD and staring at her houseplants, according to a nervous, giggling source.

“It’s easy to feel powerless, but just by staying home, each of us is saving lives,” said the recently out-of-work yoga assistant. “I’ve been self-isolating for either two weeks or 500 years, but either way, I definitely haven’t spread the virus to any living thing… including my healthy, pulsating houseplants. We’ll get through the next 30 days just fine, as long as my guy gets back to me about my quarter-sheet soon. I haven’t heard from him in a while, but he’s in extremely high demand right now — especially since he started selling toilet paper.”

Adkins said that, thanks to establishing a regular routine after the initial shelter-in-place order, she’s more prepared than ever to help “wipe out this virus by constantly tripping my face off.”

“I get up at 7 a.m. every day, water the plants, stretch, pop a little mind detergent and watch the colors dance in my kitchen,” Adkins explained. “Then I pretty much just wait until the numbers on my clock stop twisting around and taunting me when I look at them, and by then, I’m totally wiped out from feeling all that intense houseplant energy— monsteras can be so overbearing. But at least this way, I’m not rotting my brain, like everyone spending quarantine playing video games with friends.”

Paramedic Carmen Valente said she’s grateful for everyone doing their part by staying home, but wouldn’t go so far as to sign off on Adkins’ method of fighting the spread of COVID-19.

“There are obvious health concerns with ingesting drugs daily… but what do I know? I’m just a paramedic who’s slept a total of 34 minutes in the last five days,” said Valente. “I keep driving past the refrigerated Walmart truck filled with human bodies in plastic bags parked outside the hospital, and I’m going to see it in my dreams for the rest of my life. But as long as this person is washing her hands and staying home, I guess that’s something. At least she can’t OD on acid.”

At press time, Adkins was pushing back the tide of the pandemic by watching a small caterpillar inch through the grass in her backyard and feeling the subtle vibrations of the earth beneath its feet.

Fact Check: Did Cypress Hill Predict We Would All Go Insane in the Membrane?

Posted on by Bobby Korec

The Claim: Everyone’s favorite alarmist hip hop group Cypress Hill predicted we in our current fragile state as a quarantined and socially distant society would go insane in the membrane and/or insane in the brain.

Rating: False

Origin: There I was sitting all by myself in complete isolation with the lights off just like the CDC said to do, thinking about making grilled cheese for the eighth night in a row, and cruising through a Spotify-assembled 90s hip hop playlist when all of the sudden DJ Muggs and crew’s “Insane in the Brain” came on and wrecked my entire Tuesday evening. Or Wednesday afternoon. Wait, what day is it?

Anyway, maybe it’s just the crippling effects of a month’s long absence from human interaction, but no song ever rang more true to me at that moment than a track that was prominently featured on the “Scary Movie 2” soundtrack. Except for maybe “No Diggity,” which came on immediately after.

Evidence: First off, what the fuck is a membrane? Just checked urban dictionary, my go-to source for all things words, and you guessed it, there’s just no way whatsoever a membrane can go insane. Toss that ham in the frying pan.

Next, if you really think about it, are we actually insane in the brain? Or are the words “insane” and “brain” just super fun to rhyme over what appears to be the repetitive sound of neighing horses in the background of the track? Maybe after a few hits from the bong?

Conclusion: So, is Cypress Hill the modern-day equivalent to Nostradamus? No chance! Never trust the integrity of a song that sounds almost identical to House of Pain’s “Jump Around.” Stay safe and remember, when the shit goes down, you better be ready.

Short-Staffed Hospital Hires “Enema of the State” Cover Model Janine Lindemulder

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WHITTIER, Calif. — Administrators at the grossly understaffed Whittier Hospital Medical Center have hired former adult film performer Janine Lindemulder as a full-time nurse based solely on her work with pop-punk legends Blink-182.

“We are very excited to have Ms. Lindemulder as part of our team, and our staff is dedicated to the health and well-being of all Californians,” said chief executive officer Karla Gaines. “Honestly, we didn’t have a chance to run a background check — she just played us the ‘What’s My Age Again’ music video on her phone and said she could start tomorrow. We offered her some scrubs and protective equipment, but she insisted her old uniform still fits and she’s more comfortable that way.”

Lindemulder admitted the job is a bit more intense than she imagined.

“I’ve seen a lot in my day: I’ve played a nurse in multiple adult videos, and when I worked with the Blink guys I was watching a lot of ‘ER’ to get into character. I thought I knew what to expect, but this isn’t fun,” said Lindemulder after a 22-hour shift. “I thought being a nurse was just dealing with three dudes making fart jokes all the time, but there are people actually dying here. A woman came in earlier today having trouble breathing, and her husband stood outside her window all night to try to comfort her. She passed when he went to get a coffee, and when he came back, his cries of agony were so loud they set off car alarms. That wasn’t very funny at all.”

Hospitals across the country have resorted to similar measures to pad their staff in this time of need.

“Damn, we wish we had Janine. At least she has gloves. We had to hire a guy who cosplays as Heath Ledger’s version of the Joker in that one scene from ‘The Dark Knight,’ but the guy never breaks character. It’s annoying as hell,” said Tallahassee Memorial Hospital administrator Edward Hawk. “Right now we’re doing our best to recruit muay thai legend Phil Nurse just for the hell of it. I mean, he can’t be any worse than what we already have.”

At press time, background actors from “House,” “Scrubs,” and “Doogie Howser M.D.” were all being actively recruited for immediate positions.

Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions In These Video Games?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

Yesterday we launched a new Twitter account called Can You Violate The Geneva Conventions that acts as a catalog of violatable and non-violatable Geneva Conventions in video games. The answer to almost every single one of these is “yes.” In fact, we have yet to find a game where you cannot violate the Geneva Conventions. If we do, you’ll be the first to know.

Feel free to follow along on Twitter, or join us here weekly for a round-up of the best ones.

Microsoft Adds Split-Screen Couch Co-Op to New Version of Excel

Posted on by Dan Glaser

REDMOND, Wash. — 33 years after the initial release of the spreadsheet program Excel, Microsoft has announced that they are adding couch co-op gameplay for fans within the still-vital community.

“Plug in a second keyboard to your computer and enjoy, for the first time ever, couch co-op Microsoft Excel,” said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella at a livestreamed press conference. “You can v-lookup while your friend creates a graph, you can format tables while your spouse writes a macro, or you can just let two players go hog-wild on different calculations within the same sheet. The possibilities are endless and we’re excited to see what our eager fans cook up with these new features.”

Despite the significant patch to the new, many fans are still upset about the state of the program.

“Big deal. Smash Bros lets you have eight players at a time in local play,” said Redditor u/microsoft_excelsior. “I’m a diehard Excel fan and I always will be, but they really need to bring the spreadsheet into the modern era. I’m talking online co-op mode, online versus mode, and customizable RPG elements. I’ve been playing Excel for over three decades and I still can’t edit my character at all?! Come the fuck on!”

At press time, Microsoft announced they were also adding VR support to PowerPoint.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Girlfriend Downgraded to Roommate

Posted on by Kyle Kelly-Yahner

ST. LOUIS — Local punk Luke Koester downgraded his live-in romantic partner Samatha Tsai from “girlfriend” to “roommate” yesterday following weeks of forced cohabitation with no breaks, unsurprised sources confirmed.

“I’ve really had an opportunity to slow down and reassess what’s important to me, and I think this time together at home gave me some clarity about our relationship,” said Koester. “I keep thinking about where I see myself going once it’s safe to leave the house again… and that place is pretty much anywhere Sam isn’t, and other girls are. I’m just not sure I can go back to fucking someone I’ve built upward of 13 puzzles with.”

Mutual friends of the pair became worried about the couple’s prospects of maintaining civility following one of the group’s weekly virtual hangouts.

“They started video chatting from separate rooms, so we knew something was up,” said longtime friend Kasey Effers. “And then every time Luke would talk, he’d complain about how his roommate is always home and doesn’t recycle right, but in a really low voice. I’m not sure if he realized Sam can hear him in the chat — and probably in their apartment, too — but this is also the same guy who said they should go to Italy as some last-ditch romantic gesture. I think he just wanted to go because it was cheap.”

While Tsai is somewhat surprised about the timing of the split, she admitted she is currently counting the days until she’s able to move out of the shared space.

“I’ll be trying to watch Netflix in the living room with headphones on, and I still can hear whatever haunted reggae dubstep album he’s working on from all the way down the hall,” said a newly single Tsai. “I swear to god, if he’s writing a breakup EP, I’m going to flip. What will I tell my friends and family? ‘Hi, the recently furloughed GameStop manager I dated for years burned through all the weed and nonperishable food we were supposed to ration in order to produce this musical war crime memorializing our relationship?’ My dad will just say that he warned me.”

At press time, Koester was bidding on a pedal he hoped would tie together the final song for his EP while ignoring Tsai’s Venmo request for his half of the rent in his misguided attempt at a “rent strike.”

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