Press "Enter" to skip to content

Woman Braces for 30 More Days of Battling Coronavirus by Eating Acid, Staring at Houseplants

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Following the order to continue sheltering in place for the next 30 days, local woman Autumn Adkins will battle the deadly virus by staying inside, taking LSD and staring at her houseplants, according to a nervous, giggling source.

“It’s easy to feel powerless, but just by staying home, each of us is saving lives,” said the recently out-of-work yoga assistant. “I’ve been self-isolating for either two weeks or 500 years, but either way, I definitely haven’t spread the virus to any living thing… including my healthy, pulsating houseplants. We’ll get through the next 30 days just fine, as long as my guy gets back to me about my quarter-sheet soon. I haven’t heard from him in a while, but he’s in extremely high demand right now — especially since he started selling toilet paper.”

Adkins said that, thanks to establishing a regular routine after the initial shelter-in-place order, she’s more prepared than ever to help “wipe out this virus by constantly tripping my face off.”

“I get up at 7 a.m. every day, water the plants, stretch, pop a little mind detergent and watch the colors dance in my kitchen,” Adkins explained. “Then I pretty much just wait until the numbers on my clock stop twisting around and taunting me when I look at them, and by then, I’m totally wiped out from feeling all that intense houseplant energy— monsteras can be so overbearing. But at least this way, I’m not rotting my brain, like everyone spending quarantine playing video games with friends.”

Paramedic Carmen Valente said she’s grateful for everyone doing their part by staying home, but wouldn’t go so far as to sign off on Adkins’ method of fighting the spread of COVID-19.

“There are obvious health concerns with ingesting drugs daily… but what do I know? I’m just a paramedic who’s slept a total of 34 minutes in the last five days,” said Valente. “I keep driving past the refrigerated Walmart truck filled with human bodies in plastic bags parked outside the hospital, and I’m going to see it in my dreams for the rest of my life. But as long as this person is washing her hands and staying home, I guess that’s something. At least she can’t OD on acid.”

At press time, Adkins was pushing back the tide of the pandemic by watching a small caterpillar inch through the grass in her backyard and feeling the subtle vibrations of the earth beneath its feet.