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Woman Buys 100 Boxes of Hair Dye Just for the Gloves

LANSING, Mich. — Local punk Diana Spalsbury purchased 100 boxes of semi-permanent hair dye yesterday, just for the pair of disposable gloves that come inside each package.

“I got the idea when I was using an old box of hair dye and giving myself a quarantine-boredom makeover,” said Spalsbury. “I’ve been looking for gloves and they’re sold out everywhere… but stores still have a shitload of hair dye, so it works out pretty well. The only bad part is that I just charged like, $900 on my Chase card, and they’re already all pissed off at me, so whatever. At least now, if I ever need 42 bottles of Blackest Brown dye, I’ll be covered.”

Though their household now has a stockpile of gloves from the boxes of hair dye, Diana’s husband Mike isn’t thrilled about the expenses.

“I mean, I guess it’s good that we have enough pairs of gloves to last us a while,” said Mike. “But those boxes of hair dye really ate up our stimulus checks… and they kind of just take up a ton of room, too. I mean, we still have to buy groceries — I don’t know what we’re gonna do. I guess our cupboard’s gonna be full of Top Ramen and L’Oreal Paris Superior Preference Fade-Defying + Shine Permanent Hair Color. Fuckin’ sucks.”

Representatives of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found Spalsbury’s methods to be unorthodox but unproblematic.

“Well, I’m not sure it’s the most cost-effective way to go,” said Rober R. Redfield, director of the CDC. “But as long as you’re washing your hands, avoiding touching your face, doing a patch test on a small area of skin that’s not readily visible, and keeping the dye on your head for no more than 30 minutes, I don’t see any problem with it.”

Spalsbury later ordered 50 pairs of Nikes for the tissue paper that comes inside every shoebox.