The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Gaming Mouse Has More Buttons Than Keyboard

Posted on April 19, 2020 by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

FREMONT, Calif. — The new Corsair BM-4050990 mouse, made specifically for gamers and streamers, boasts 128 buttons, according to a new press release from the company.

“Everyone knows that binding keys to your mouse in a game makes you better at the game. Well why should you have to use your dumbass keyboard at all?” said Corsair CEO Andy Paul. “So we filled this bad boy up with so many buttons, you can map one onto every single key on your keyboard and have some left over. Have fun crushing everyone with one hand and doing whatever the hell you want with your other.”

Those who have used the new mouse have praised its number of buttons while criticizing its ergonomics.

“Right off the bat, I love the number of buttons. Going by a pure button basis, this mouse has more than any I’ve ever seen — that’s inarguable. If you’re someone who buys a mouse based on the number of buttons it has, this is a must-buy for you,” said PC Magazine reviewer Stephen Merch. “I played a game of Valorant and mapped space-bar onto seven different buttons. It really helped me to jump, although I found myself constantly accidentally rubbing against other buttons.”

“That being said, the price is fairly steep, even for a high-end mouse,” Merch concluded. “At $1 per button, $128 is hard to swallow for a mouse. Perhaps it would have been a little easier to swallow had I been able to purchase it with the ease of 128 buttons.”

At press time, Corsair announced they were releasing a companion keyboard that lets you grab it and move around your desk for use as a mouse.

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Opinion: I Will Explain Marxism to the Coronavirus and Then It Will Be on Our Side

Posted on April 19, 2020 by James Knapp

Listen up you capitalist dogs! We’ve been looking at this whole pandemic thing all wrong. Sure, right now the coronavirus is a seemingly unstoppable global crisis, but consider what it could be if it were allied with the proletariat. What if it could help us claim co-operative ownership over the means of production? That’s why I will explain Marxist philosophy to the coronavirus and together we will finally overthrow the capitalist ruling class.

This goes without saying but I’m totally not doing this because my parents stopped paying my credit card bills and I’m wracking up debt by the hour. All these ironic protest outfits are really expensive, okay?

The idea first came to me when I got laid off from my job at Sunoco in late 2019. The coronavirus wasn’t a thing yet but I still got to thinking, fuck these ruling class pigs who are willing to fire an honest, hard-working laborer just because he passed out huffing lighter fluid behind the cigarette counter/employee break-fort. We gotta take the bourgeoisie down somehow and diseases don’t take sides in a class war.

That said, the upper class does inherently have better access to healthcare. But that’s all the more reason why we need to get the virus on our side.

To those asking how we plan to communicate with an acute respiratory infection that doesn’t have access to language, let alone the high-minded rhetoric required to understand class consciousness, we say, “shut up you elitist scum!” That’s exactly what the bourgeoisie puppet masters said to isolate us from comrade COVID in the first place.

I will seek out the coronavirus and explain Marxist philosophy to it so we can finally put an end to social stratification in this country. Until then, if anybody can spot me a few bucks for Amazon Prime I will totally pay you back once the feudalistic paymasters have been eradicated.

Punk Blue Apron Just a Bunch of Random Gas Station Items

Posted on April 19, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

NEW YORK — The startup company Punk Blue Apron is enjoying a surge in popularity, thanks to their monthly subscription boxes containing a bunch of random shit from a gas station, early quarterly reports confirm.

“I was trying to sign up for the actual Blue Apron, and somehow ended up with this,” said Jennifer Demeter while emptying the box’s contents directly into the garbage. “They sent me an off-brand Slim Jim, a couple ‘liquorice’ flavored energy shots, a travel-size toothbrush and mouthwash, expired condoms, three loose cigarettes that look like they were already smoked halfway, and a handful of those weird boner pills that are always by the register. And when I tried canceling my subscription online, their website just rerouted to a Bandcamp page.”

Punk Blue Apron CEO Dana Sapienzo is proud of the booming business.

“We’ve been growing exponentially, especially right now when people prefer ordering most things,” said Sapienzo while emptying out an actual Blue Apron box on the sidewalk outside Blue Apron Headquarters to repurpose the branded packaging. “We offer a wide range of products, letting users mix and match what contents they want in their boxes and then ignoring all of that and just choosing random items from a gas station. And if you’re lucky, you might even get items from a bodega that happens to be conveniently next door — kind of like a ‘golden ticket’ type situation.”

However, Don Matthews, the owner and operator of Punk Blue Apron’s supply warehouse, is not happy with the business’ practices.

“They come into my gas station every Sunday morning and just sweep huge loads of random stuff off the shelves into a giant box, then leave without paying for any of it,” an angry Matthews yelled. “Luckily, they usually take the stuff that’s been sitting here since 2011, and I can write it off as a robbery.”

Punk Blue Apron is looking to add alcohol delivery service as well, which will deliver subscribers half-finished 40 oz. bottles of Mickey’s.

Dodo Airlines Asks For 50 Billion Bell Bail Out

Posted on April 19, 2020 by Tyler Schmall

NEW HORIZONS — Dodo Airlines employee and CEO Orville came forward earlier this week with a statement pleading for a relief package to the tune of 50 billion bells.

“Oh, drumsticks, we’d just hate to go out of business and not be able to take you to all the islands you’d like to visit… Maybe you could help with a donation of 50 billion bells?” said Orville in brand-new dialogue, giving players the option to work long hours of strenuous manual labor to bail out the airline themselves.

While many villagers are happy with the island on which they reside, and content to let Dodo Airlines slide into bankruptcy, prominent businessman Tom Nook of Nook Inc. does not appear ready to stand idly by and let that happen.

“Oh ho! Dodo Airlines can rest assured we are working hard on a stimulus package that will keep them afloat,” said Nook. “It is a very big package. We are having villagers across the island pulling weeds, catching fish, and netting butterflies at a tremendous rate in order to keep Dodo in business. Oh ho!”

Many villagers have expressed concern about Dodo’s monopoly on the skies, with many admonishing the company’s “psychotic” mystery tour special, where players are flown “nearly blindfolded” to a random island at no decision of their own.

At time of press, Tom Nook raised your debt by over 500 million bells.

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All of Fiona Apple’s Exes Coincidentally Text Her The Same Day For No Reason At All

Posted on April 18, 2020 by Lana Schwartz

LOS ANGELES — Multiple exes of musician Fiona Apple coincidentally texted her at the same time yesterday for no real reason they could think of following the release of her latest album “Fetch the Bolt Cutters,” according to sources.

“I can’t explain it, but I had an overwhelming urge to text her, even though we haven’t spoken in years,” said Apple’s ex, Tyler Green. “Really, I don’t know where it came from. Maybe this quarantine stuff just had me wanting to make sure she was holding up and had enough bread and stuff. So weird. Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Oh, did she put out a new album? I think I do remember hearing something about that, now that you mention it,” Green added quickly, in a high-pitched voice.

Throughout the deeply personal 13-track album, Apple details her relationships with men, causing some to wonder who each song might be about.

“Yes, I texted Fiona, but really I had no idea about the album. I think of Fiona as a good friend, except the kind where you don’t keep up on really big personal and professional accomplishments, so I wouldn’t know,” said Tavarez. “Maybe there was just something in the air that made me want to text her, OK? The wind has been all weird lately. It’s a big pollen year or something. Look it up.”

A representative from Verizon Wireless confirmed Apple’s phone saw a record-level activity, which required that an entire customer service team be dispatched to increase the phone’s capability for receiving so many messages at once.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. All of them reaching out, but not saying a word about the album. There’s no way they didn’t listen to it,” said Barbara Holbrook, a Verizon customer service employee, of the phenomenon. “The number of messages suggests that not only did Apple hear from men she’s dated, but also those she’s kissed, danced with one time at Largo 15 years ago, or have simply made eye contact with on the street. It sounds truly insane, but considering what I put together now based on those ‘Newspaper’ lyrics, I’m not surprised.”

At press time, there was no additional space on Apple’s voicemail to request a comment.

Photo by Sachyn Mital via Wikimedia Commons.

5 Meditation Apps so Good You’ll Be Incorrectly Convinced You Can Stop Taking Your Meds

Posted on April 18, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

Congratulations! You’ve made the next step in your mental and spiritual well being journey by bringing meditation into your life. Mindfulness can have some wonderful benefits for your life including increased attention span, mood stabilization, and lower blood pressure. In fact, meditation can work so well that you will foolishly think you can quit your antidepressants!

Here are five fantastic meditation apps that will make you flush your Zoloft down faster than you can say “mental health relapse.”

Insight Timer – This app has thousands of hours of free mediation exercises and relaxing music. Sure, you’ll stick with it for a few weeks but you’ll probably end up just using it to fall asleep. That won’t stop you from tossing out your Zoloft on a good day only to find yourself rummaging through your trash a few weeks from now like a dissociating raccoon.

Aura – Aura touts that you only need 3 minutes a day to change your life. We’re sure 3 minutes of mediation will be able to replace your SSRI’s so you should even quit cold turkey. Just breathe through the detox. We’re sure you’ll be fine.

Sattva – This app uses actual Sanskrit meditations. People from the ancient world didn’t take Abilify, so why should you? It also has a heart rate monitor so you can watch your rebound anxiety attack happen in real time.

Calm – Oprah recommends this one. Matthew McConaughey also recommends it. Then again, if you had lives like theirs you probably wouldn’t have been taking Paxil since you were fifteen.

Headspace – Why not pay $12.99 a month to learn how to breathe and convince yourself that it cured your anxiety? Then when that $12.99 sends your bank account into the negative and you have a panic attack about it, you will be reminded that living in the now doesn’t cover overdraft fees.

These are just five of the many mediation apps out there. We strongly recommend introducing a meditation or yoga regimen into your daily routine to give you the artificial self-confidence boost you’ll need to make a terrible life decision.

Report: Children’s Puzzle Actually Pretty Challenging After 11th Beer

Posted on April 18, 2020 by Ted Pillow

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Quarantined father Chris Denny is struggling with his son’s 33-piece jigsaw puzzle after drinking almost an entire 12-pack of beer by himself, according to concerned and slightly ashamed sources in the Denny household.

“This tricky fucker,” Denny slurred, staring intently at a jumble of unsorted puzzle pieces and peanut shells while stroking his unkempt beard. “Must be for them gifted and talented little bastards. You want to do a damn puzzle nowadays, you gotta know coding or be a hacker or somethin’. I got this one corner finished, but I think maybe the pieces are just sticking together ‘cuz I spilled Heineken all over them.”

The 36-year-old father turned to his son’s puzzle out of desperate boredom, already exhausting nearly all Netflix, Disney+, and Hulu content during the quarantine.

“That puzzle is meant for ages 3 to 6,” confided Alison Denny, Chris’s distressed wife. “I get that the anxiety and disruption of the quarantine is getting to him, but this is making me question a lot of my own choices. Even for a very drunk person, this is a terrible showing — look, he’s just mashing pieces that don’t go together until they sort of fit. And I’m pretty sure he thinks it’s supposed to be van Gogh’s ‘Starry Night,’ but it’s just a Minion riding a surfboard.”

Even Chris’s son, 4-year-old Lucas Denny, was disappointed by his father’s pathetic performance, as Chris has reportedly been working on the puzzle for hours with little progress to show for it.

“This is utterly pitiful,” the child remarked while lining up his action figures for an epic battle. “He didn’t even start by doing all the edge pieces first. I lost a lot of respect for my father tonight. This is even worse than the sloppy, uninspired work he did yesterday in my ‘Frozen’ coloring book. I truly hope I get most of my cognitive ability from my mother… if not, I’m screwed.”

As of press time, Chris finally gave up on the puzzle, and was last seen nodding and smiling while reading a copy of “Goodnight Moon” held upside down.

What Went Wrong? a Look at the Only ‘Man Show’ Host Without a Podcast

Posted on April 18, 2020 by Tom Peters

When “The Oprah Winfrey Show” debuted in 1986, it gave women their own little corner of the television landscape where they could feel seen. An extreme reaction was inevitable, and in 1999, “The Man Show” premiered to take back the airwaves!

Much like the trampolines on which the beloved, “Juggies,” bounced, “The Man Show” was a launching pad for its hosts, a golden elevator to podcastdom. “The Adam Carolla Show” has earned over 1.6 billion downloads with topics ranging from expensive sports cars to negating white privilege by working construction jobs. And “The Joe Rogan Experience” boasts millions of loyal fans who may not have tried DMT, but sure love to talk about it. “The Doug Stanhope Podcast” is very popular as well!

But with all the podcasting careers “The Man Show” has jumpstarted, there’s one former host who failed to grab the brass ring.

Jimmy Kimmel, whose career began in radio, departed from “The Man Show” in 2003. But just as he seemed poised to ascend to podcast greatness, Kimmel chose cameras over kettlebells, opting to host a talk show on the terrestrial television channel ABC.

“Jimmy Kimmel Live!” saw a once-promising career reduced to a series of failures, each jockeying for position as the low point, like when comedian Sarah Silverman ended her relationship with Kimmel by announcing her affair with actor Matt Damon on the air. The cuckolded host has been forced to take one-off side gigs with the Emmys and the Oscars, and in recent weeks, Kimmel has been doing the show from his house. Heartbreaking. If only he had set up some mics in his garage in the first place!

You can still find “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” with a digital antenna and some technical know-how, but many Man Show fans hold out hope of seeing Kimmel donning cans one day. As we’ve seen with Conan O’Brien’s recent leap to podcasting, it’s never too late to move up to the big leagues. Better late than never, Jimmy! Now please raise your glass and join me in a toast: Zicke, Zacke, Zicke, Zacke, Hoi, Hoi, Hoi!

Quarantined Merch Guy Works from Home by Standing Behind Kitchen Table

Posted on April 18, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

ATLANTA — Fate Embrace merch guy Edgar Byrd stood aimlessly behind his kitchen table for hours earlier this week in an attempt to work from home, confused roommates confirmed.

“Just because we’re stuck at home doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do our jobs. I’ve been running a merch table by myself for three years, and I got a little stir crazy just sitting around doing nothing,” said Byrd via Skype from behind the table. “Then I realized I have a service to perform — and I’m going to get that done, even if there are no shows and no fans. I don’t have any of the band’s actual merch here, so the table is empty… but this is the new normal, and we all have to adjust.”

Byrd’s girlfriend Lena Marshall confirmed Byrd’s commitment to his job.

“He’s taking this very seriously. I came down at 9 a.m., and he was already standing there with his arms crossed, just sort of nodding his head,” said Marshall. “I kind of wish he’d maybe do something while he’s at the table — like put plates out for breakfast, or run a sponge over it — but he just stands there. And when I or our dog walks by, he says, ‘Sorry, all sold out.’ I’d be worried, but it keeps him out of my hair for most of the day.”

Members of Fate Embrace, however, seemed a little upset by Byrd’s actions.

“We asked him to help mail out merch we’re selling through our website while we’re stuck at home, but he said that isn’t part of his job duties,” said guitarist Darryl Nguyen. “He said that if we sent him a box of shirts he’ll fold them, and maybe hang a couple on the wall behind him, but that’s it. Yet when we did a live show on YouTube, he insisted we add a feed of him just standing there in the corner of the screen, and then asked if we could code in a virtual tip jar for him so he could get some food money.”

Byrd confirmed that if anyone needs anything, he’ll be at the table until last call.

Vegeta Presents Goku with Lifetime Achievement Honor at Crunchyroll Awards

Posted on April 17, 2020 by Bailey Hull

LOS ANGELES — Saiyan prince Vegeta awarded his lifelong collaborator and occasional enemy Goku with the Lifetime Achievement Award last night at the annual Crunchyroll Award Ceremony.

“There is only one certainty in life: a strong man stands above and conquers all. Today, that man is my dear friend Kakarot,” Vegeta said to the applause of various anime characters and producers. “While I was with him, I became more human. I didn’t like that. I even have a family and started to like living on Earth. I am happy for Kakarot, but even the mightiest warriors experience jealousy.”

Former winners of the Lifetime Achievement Award include Naruto, Hideaki Anno, and an anonymous internet user who uploaded every Studio Ghibli movie to Putlocker in 240p quality in 2009.

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