The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Eeek! A Bug’s Life. What a Wretched Film

Posted on April 17, 2020 by Pat Cavanaugh

Eeek! You wish to know about A Bug’s Life? What a wretched film. Such horror. Repugnance! Good heavens. Watching it, I struggle to maintain my composure.

Ahem, I beg your pardon. I do detest the 1998 Pixar film A Bug’s Life. However, if you insist, I can tell you about it.

A Bug’s Life centers around an abhorrent ant named Flik, a member of a colony under the oppressive rule of the tyrannical grasshopper Hopper. Due to his subpar intelligence, Flik destroys the grasshoppers’ food supply, and he must seek assistance outside the anthill in order to mollify the grasshoppers’ rage.

This plot continues in nonsensical fashion for 96 torturous minutes as Pixar subjects its poor audience to a loathsome parade of insect grotesqueries.

Why, the film is a detestable horrorshow. Its six-legged monstrosities embark on an adventure that’s as execrable as it is anti-factual — a dangerous combination for impressionable minds seeking educational growth.

Consider Heimlich, the film’s hideous interpretation of the contemptible caterpillar. Heimlich is a plump fellow who whines in an over-the-top German accent — an absurd choice, given that the oldest fossils of the caterpillar were discovered in Lebanese amber.

It is bad enough to market a film about these putrid pests to children, but to then poison their minds with falsehoods and fantasies on the origins of species? An odious act beyond salvation.

Anyhoots, thank you for your inquiry into this film. Although A Bug’s Life is the bane of my existence, I am happy to provide my analysis on cinema that is important to the culture.

By the by, I wonder if you have anything to actually donate, or —

EEEK! You want to know about Antz? An even more wretched film. I must inform you that I have not seen the film as I am boycotting Woody Allen, who is even more heinous than the lowly creatures he portrays.

Please let me know if you have actual items to donate or need assistance. I am here to help!

Hoo!

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Man Feels Uneasy When Rod Serling Gives Opening Narration Near Him

Posted on April 17, 2020 by Charles Bill

DALLAS — Quarantined man Forest Whitlock was struck with a feeling of great anxiety today upon seeing Rod Serling, host of the 1959 series ‘The Twilight Zone,’ in Whitlock’s driveway providing one of his trademark opening narrations.

“He’s just standing out there monologuing about something. I thought I heard him say ‘pandemic’ and ‘raw bat,’ but I couldn’t be sure,” said a visibly distressed Whitlock as Serling puffed on a cigarette. “Sure, things have gotten pretty weird, what with the empty streets, social distancing, and everyone wearing masks… but I didn’t think it was ‘Twilight Zone’ bad. I swear, if I see a giant floating eyeball next, I’m breaking quarantine and getting as far as fucking away from here as possible.”

Forest’s wife Abiah Whitlock acknowledged her husband is struggling with the “new normal.”

“I told him, ‘My dear, sweet Forest, we couldn’t be more normal,’” explained Abiah before coughing and taking Advil for a fever. “I’ve always worked from home, and always will — he is the one acting strangely, not us.”

“I think he’d find that he would be more comfortable if he just joined us,” she added, which was punctuated by all of Forest’s friends and neighbors standing six feet apart on their lawn chanting, “join us” in unison.

Sources crossed over to the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, to reach Serling for comment.

“I present to you a man, one of no special characteristics, except one: he is a healthy man in a world he does not know is sick,” Serling said while gesturing to Whitlock’s house. “He may not know it yet, but the path he will be forced to take will lead to a destination of isolation and fear — one that his loving wife and neighbors have already traveled. Did this destination bring them peace, or horror? All we know is that no matter which turns he takes, this man will somehow find himself, in ‘The Twilight Zone.’”

At press time, Serling had materialized in front of the White House, allegedly monologuing about a sexist, racist, unsuccessful real estate developer that, in an ironic twist, became President of the United States.

Report: Only LSD Teen Will Be Doing This Weekend Is “Learning Some Discipline”

Posted on April 17, 2020 by Ted Pillow

NORTHPORT, N.Y. — 17-year-old Alex Powell’s LSD stash was flushed down the toilet moments ago and will be replaced with a weekend full of “learning some discipline,” according to his extremely pissed-off father.

“I can’t believe you’d try something like this under my roof!” Frank Powell, Alex’s father, was overheard shouting while standing outside his closed bedroom door. “This isn’t ‘Animal House,’ and your mother and I aren’t Cheech and Chong, so you can just forget about using drugs in this house. In fact, the only ‘bad trip’ you’ll be taking is to drop off Nana’s medicine! How’s that for a meme, Mister TikTok?”

Totally bored by quarantine, Alex had hoped to liven up his weekend by spending a night alone tripping in his room. Sadly, his plan to Zoom chat with his friends and watch “Planet Earth” was ruined when his mother found his acid stash while dusting his nightstand.

“This is such bullshit,” complained Alex, rolling his eyes and putting a pillow over his head to block out her father’s wordplay-based threats. “He keeps ranting about getting caught smoking a cigarette when he was 13 and how his dad taught him a ‘valuable lesson’ by forcing him to smoke the whole pack in one sitting. On top of all the extra chores, he wants to do whatever the hallucinogenic version of that is to me. But everything he knows about drugs is from 1977, so I have to spend an entire night staring at a lava lamp and listening to rare Grateful Dead bootlegs.”

Despite Mr. Powell’s zealous anti-drug stance, Alex is not the first of his kids to undermine his authority by getting high in the house.

“I feel pretty bad for my brother,” stated Brandi Powell, Alex’s 22-year-old sister. “He’s going to be under crazy supervision and stuck doing chores for months. And the quarantine definitely doesn’t help the situation. This might be even worse than the time Dad caught me ripping a bong and told me that the only THC allowed in our house was ‘tradition, homework, and Christ.’ I know it took him all night to think of that.”

At press time, Mr. Powell’s lengthy tirade outside of his son’s bedroom door was growing increasingly incoherent as he admonished him that, “LSD doesn’t go on trees, young man.”

Opinion: You’re Fucking Mafia, Dude

Posted on April 17, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

Listen, we’ve all gotten to know each other pretty well since college orientation started, and you seem like a really nice person. We’ve had a lot of fun hanging out and playing games and I already feel like I can trust you as a friend. So when I make this accusation, I’m not trying to be a dick or anything, but it’s just totally obvious that you’re mafia. Don’t try to pretend you’re not. I can just tell when you are lying.

You’ve been really quiet this round, and that’s pretty suspicious considering that Mark died when we all went to sleep and you guys are already talking about how you want to be roommates next semester. Plus, it’s pretty weird that you were so talkative last round, it was like you were trying to run things and make sure nobody found you out. But guess what? I did. You’re fucking mafia, dude. I figured it out! Don’t try to tell me I’m wrong!

Anyway, back to Mark. You were telling him to quit checking his phone while we were playing, and now he’s dead. Isn’t that right, Mark? Wait, shit, Mark can’t talk because he’s dead, nevermind. Did you kill him so that he wouldn’t hold up the game? That seems like something you’d do. Right, Mark? He should be allowed to nod if I’m right. Can he nod to that? Oh, come on. You guys are so unfair.

Another thing, you haven’t announced what role you’re holding. Even if you did, though, I would assume it was just a bluff to try and get people to trust you, since you’re clearly mafia. But you haven’t even claimed to be the doctor or the spy. That’s kinda weird, don’t you guys think? Oh, what’s that, you think the mafia will kill you if you do? Well it’s weird that you know exactly what the mafia would do, if you ask me.

So now you’re claiming you are the doctor? Ha! I’ve got you! I’m the real doctor. There’s no doubt about it, you’re totally fucking mafia, dude. Plus I could tell, because I heard your chair squeak during the night phase. That’s not cheating! I can’t help it if I hear stuff.

Hold on, Colleen, are you saying I’m lying? Are you really going to take this liar’s side after all of this double-crossing? I swear, I’m the doctor! I even saved you last night actually. This isn’t a nice way to repay me.

If you vote to lynch me, I swear you’ll regret it. Oh, really? You guys are going to bandwagon on this? I can’t believe you. Fine, do this if you want to lose. Go ahead!

Okay, okay, you got me. How the hell did you guys know I was mafia?

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Interviewed the Girl From High School That Fucked a Dog and Turns out That Was Just a Mean Rumor

Posted on April 17, 2020 by Dan Luberto

Yo. You’ll never guess who we got a chance to sit down with.

Remember that girl, from high school, Kayla Green?

YUP!

The one that fucked her dog! How could we forget? We couldn’t! No one forgot! She’s always going to be remembered for that for the rest of her life! Gross right!?

Get this! She never even fucked a dog!

…

Yeah…

Oh man, now we kind of feel bad.

I mean, I can speak for most of us when I say talking about Kayla Green fucking a dog was a top ten, honestly top five moment of not only high school but my entire youth.

Yeah, apparently that just a rumor her stepbrother started.

I guess he bullied her, like, a lot.

We were so excited that we tracked her down too! Like we thought this was the throwback find of the century, and it was! It, just, so happens that we kind of brought back a really truly horrible time in her life that she’s apparently still trying to escape.

I mean, it was just a joke, right?

We sat down with her and it was kind of depressing so I’ll save you the details of the actual talk but, like, yikes. Boy am I glad no one thought I fucked a dog or fingered a cat (a popular variation of the original rumor).

She was tough to find too, changed her name to Kylie Murdoch to completely avoid being found. She even moved to New Zealand and when we got there for the ultimate “Gotcha!” moment she just burst into tears. Seriously she really clipped our wings on that one. We thought it was going to be a laugh riot and it honestly was an overall bummer.

Yeah, maybe we were bullying this girl all along. It’s a pretty mean thing to accuse someone of, but how were we supposed to know. Like when she switched schools junior year cause people threw dog shit at her, or when people smeared peanut butter on her locker, or when we all found out she switched to homeschooling after the second school because the rumor followed her…we thought it couldn’t get any better!

Between all that and all the laughs we had thinking about how gross she was, it really did shape our entire high school experience. How were we supposed to know she attempted suicide because of it? It’s not our fault, we just couldn’t get past how funny it would be if she actually did have sex with a dog, I mean, can you imagine?!

But, yeah, it was just a big mean rumor.

Hmmmm.

Welp, now you know. Honestly our bad for all those jokes and it’s also on us for running this headline with her photo.

Live and learn!

Johnny Knoxville Sanitizes Shopping Cart Before Crashing It Into ’94 Ford Tempo

Posted on April 17, 2020 by John Danek

WEST CHESTER, Pa. — “Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville followed COVID-19 hygiene guidelines yesterday by sanitizing a shopping cart before riding it downhill into an also-sanitized 1994 Ford Tempo while filming the upcoming “Jackass 4.”

“Just because we do things like get tattoos in off-road vehicles or shove toy cars up our asses doesn’t mean we aren’t sensible about this virus,” declared Knoxville, who is still recovering from being kicked in the head by a rhinoceros. “The older I get, the more I realize that kids might watch what I do and try to imitate it. So I hope they see me scrub this Wegman’s shopping cart with bleach before I catapult at 35 mph directly into the side of this jalopy.”

Longtime Jackass director Jeff Tremaine enumerated other changes in the goings-on behind the scenes.

“Wee-Man is going to self-quarantine for the next few months in a rancid porta-potty, while Preston Lacy will donate extra masks knitted from his shit-stained whitey tighties,” explained Tremaine. “Also, Chris Pontius is going to wear a condom for a stunt when we tie copper wire around his penis and stick one end in a wall socket. We aren’t really sure how it will help with flattening the curve, but this stunt was specifically requested by Dr. Fauci. Everyone is doing their part to beat this thing.”

Parents nationwide are fearful of the possible influence another “Jackass” film may have on impressionable youth.

“I just don’t see how they can afford to show each person washing their hands for up to 20 seconds,” said suburban mother Karen Wilpiano. “They’re going to edit it down to 10 seconds so they can get to the dicks and the Satan and whatnot, I just know it. To help, I started a Facebook group called ‘Christian Moms Against Not Washing Your Hands Enough Before Putting Firecrackers In Your Asshole.’ We already have 21,000 members. If we Christian mothers could totally end drunk-driving back in the ’90s with M.A.D.D., I don’t see why we can’t pull it off again.”

Rumors are circulating that film auteur Spike Jonze will direct a segment in which Knoxville sneaks the tip of his dick into Zoom meetings.

Jack White Files Tax Return on Vinyl

Posted on April 17, 2020 by Greg Heller

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Militant renaissance man Jack White filed his 2020 tax return on vinyl in a move that’s thrilling high-fidelity taxpayers, according to sources within the IRS.

Officials confirmed White’s 2020 return was prepared in mono, on a translucent crimson hand-numbered (1/1) 180-gram 12” LP, with a “Federal” A-side and “State” B-side. The filing included original cover art from Nashville-based CPA Howard Chang LLP.

“I’ve never forgotten how I felt as a kid, thumbing through my dad’s old longforms,” White said through the crackle and hiss of his candlestick telephone. “The dust, the smell, the illicit write-offs … those returns were alive. They were the reason I wanted to file in the first place. The digital method has reduced all that to some soulless, disposable ‘transaction.’”

Known to the IRS by his birth name, John Anthony Gillis, White hand-cut the vinyl himself, using “a lathe he hand-built with tools he hand-built with his hands.” That process, and the subsequent analog filing, are part of the pasty axman’s efforts to reconnect with the true spirit of income taxes.

Experts confirmed that, though digital filing is by far the “most common and least asshole” means of paying taxes, nothing in the myriad tax codes specifically forbids submitting on vinyl. Nonetheless, IRS agent Glenn Garcia was exasperated by White’s choice.

“We’re totally not busy or anything this time of year, so we really relish any moves that complicate the process. And, hey, thanks for not including a dropcard, Jack,” said Garcia, rolling his eyes. “So pumped to ‘spin the black circle’ on my 20-minute lunch break — if I can get access to any of the IRS turntables. They’ve been in storage since the mid-’80s.”

While Garcia begrudgingly conceded that White’s taxes did seem “rich and warm” when examined, Garcia is gravely concerned for the precedent this sets. “So, now what? Next year some renegade in Grizzly Bear files on cassette, and then we’re sorting through a pile of reel-to-reel 1040A’s from the whole Matador roster? No, thank you!”

Update: Less than 48 hours after White’s filing, the IRS received a second vinyl submission from one Daniel Auerbach. An agent familiar with the filing claimed it’s very similar to White’s, but “way, way less cool.”

Photo by Kyle Erf @KyleErf.

Eccentric Zoo Owner Insists There’s Nothing Unethical About Owning Big the Cat

Posted on April 16, 2020 by Joe Tilleli

WYNNEWOOD, Okla. — Local Big the Cat owner and G.W. Zoo founder, Joe Exotic, insists that there is absolutely nothing inhumane about keeping a large anthropomorphic purple cat living in a cage, according to those close to him.

“Big the Cat is a beautiful creature,” said Joseph Allen Maldonado-Prower who prefers to go by Joe Exotic. “Sure maybe he does belong back in his natural environment, but he was brought here by Chaos Control. Do you know how hard it would be to assemble the Chaos Emeralds and send him back? Impossible. This is the next best thing for Big the Cat. People pay to see him and take pictures with him, then we use that money to keep him fed and so the lights stay on.”

“Hey, we’ve put more into our setup than that bitch Amy Rose has done for her animals,” he added. “Did you know she killed her husband, Sonic?”

Others working with the zoo owner were not as quick to agree that Big the Cat had been getting the best treatment he could possibly get.

“I came on as Joe’s business partner in 2016,” said Las Vegas playboy and evil genius, Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik. “Joe had an okay operation going on here, but Big the Cat had not been treated to the highest degree. Can you believe Joe had been feeding him expired echidna meat off a truck? Maybe next time just work with your own OC.”

Dr. Robotnik has a troubled past of his own with four outstanding warrants for his arrest in Las Vegas — one of which is for sneaking baby chaos stuffed in suitcases into his hotel suites.

“I was pretty messed up when I was married to Joe,” explained Joe Exotic’s ex-husband, Miles Prower. “Joe liked to call me Tails because he was always grabbing my behind. He was messed up himself too. In order to make room for Big the Cat, Joe had shot and killed a perfectly healthy Vector the Crocodile. It was horrible.”

At press time, Joe Exotic had been sentenced to 22 years for violating the Endangered Anthropomorphic Species Act and for the murder-for-hire of Amy Rose. A limited series based on the bizzare underworld of private anthropomorphic zoos and sanctuaries is now streaming on Netflix and has already inspired an alarming amount of erotic fanart.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Birthday Celebrated in Quarantine Not Much Different from Last Years Birthday

Posted on April 16, 2020 by Dom Turek

NEW YORK — Local man Bryan Watson spent his 28th birthday last week quarantined from friends and family due to the COVID-19 pandemic, but didn’t notice any significant changes from last year’s celebration, according to sources somewhat close to the man.

“It somehow wasn’t the worst birthday I’ve ever had,” said Watson, thinking back on the birthday he spent at the DMV. “I live right above a Whole Foods, so I had five, maybe even six people yell ‘Happy birthday’ at my window on their way to get groceries. It was actually a bigger turnout than last year’s party.”

Watson’s last birthday yielded an even smaller attendance than his Facebook RSVP invite page anticipated, despite promising a night of snacks and board games at his apartment.

“I was one of three people at Bryan’s birthday last year, if you include the weed dealer he convinced to stay for a round of charades,” said Melinda Hayes, Watson’s longtime acquaintance and dental hygienist. “We didn’t have enough people to play any of the good trivia games like Cranium or Trivial Pursuit, so we browsed Hulu and Bryan made some frozen Ellio’s pizzas. I left pretty early and I think I was one of the last people to stay.”

A shelter-in-place order prohibiting gatherings of 10 or more people had virtually no effect on Watson’s birthday plans to order Chinese food and smoke weed on his fire escape while vaguely surrounded by neighbors.

“I still feel bad about not making it to his 27th, but it was the season premiere of ‘WestWorld’ that night and I don’t think Bryan has HBO,” said Scott Soto, Watson’s upstairs neighbor. “I bought him a pack of Twinkies and some rolling papers from the bodega — in part to make up for last year, but also because I know how much he hates leaving the house.”

At press time, Watson was seen making a meager wish on a lone candle stuck into the Twinkie someone had left outside his front door.

Opinion: You’re a Fucking Moron If You Really Believe the Xbox Series X Will Be Big Enough to Hold 6 Teraflops

Posted on April 16, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

Don’t let yourself get suckered by all that fancy talk Microsoft is blowing up your ass. There’s just no way the Xbox Series X could contain 6 teraflops in such a small space.

Listen, I looked over the reveal footage and compared the size of the console to Phil Spencer, and there’s no way all those teraflops could fit without having ventilation issues at the very least. It would be the clown car of consoles, and if you buy it you’re investing in the dipshit circus.

The truth is I feel sorry for you. I wish I could believe in a fantasy world where that many teraflops could all be in one place like that, but after popping open the side of my case to install some high power RAM I just know too much now.

I’m not surprised you console gamers are so gullible though. How could you believe your console is powerful when it costs as much as my graphics card alone? Building a PC really makes you appreciate the nuances of how powerful your system is. For instance, the guy at Best Buy assured me my new graphics card would enhance my ambient occlusion, and boy is the ambience in my games occluded as fuck.

Do you even know what a teraflop is, you goddamn idiot? I wish I had the space and time to explain it to you, but then I wouldn’t have any room for how fucking pissed I am.

I’d watch actual gameplay footage to do a deeper analysis, but anything under 120 frames per second makes me feel sick, so I have to abstain for my health.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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