WEST CHESTER, Pa. — “Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville followed COVID-19 hygiene guidelines yesterday by sanitizing a shopping cart before riding it downhill into an also-sanitized 1994 Ford Tempo while filming the upcoming “Jackass 4.”
“Just because we do things like get tattoos in off-road vehicles or shove toy cars up our asses doesn’t mean we aren’t sensible about this virus,” declared Knoxville, who is still recovering from being kicked in the head by a rhinoceros. “The older I get, the more I realize that kids might watch what I do and try to imitate it. So I hope they see me scrub this Wegman’s shopping cart with bleach before I catapult at 35 mph directly into the side of this jalopy.”
Longtime Jackass director Jeff Tremaine enumerated other changes in the goings-on behind the scenes.
“Wee-Man is going to self-quarantine for the next few months in a rancid porta-potty, while Preston Lacy will donate extra masks knitted from his shit-stained whitey tighties,” explained Tremaine. “Also, Chris Pontius is going to wear a condom for a stunt when we tie copper wire around his penis and stick one end in a wall socket. We aren’t really sure how it will help with flattening the curve, but this stunt was specifically requested by Dr. Fauci. Everyone is doing their part to beat this thing.”
Parents nationwide are fearful of the possible influence another “Jackass” film may have on impressionable youth.
“I just don’t see how they can afford to show each person washing their hands for up to 20 seconds,” said suburban mother Karen Wilpiano. “They’re going to edit it down to 10 seconds so they can get to the dicks and the Satan and whatnot, I just know it. To help, I started a Facebook group called ‘Christian Moms Against Not Washing Your Hands Enough Before Putting Firecrackers In Your Asshole.’ We already have 21,000 members. If we Christian mothers could totally end drunk-driving back in the ’90s with M.A.D.D., I don’t see why we can’t pull it off again.”
Rumors are circulating that film auteur Spike Jonze will direct a segment in which Knoxville sneaks the tip of his dick into Zoom meetings.