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Report: Only LSD Teen Will Be Doing This Weekend Is “Learning Some Discipline”

NORTHPORT, N.Y. — 17-year-old Alex Powell’s LSD stash was flushed down the toilet moments ago and will be replaced with a weekend full of “learning some discipline,” according to his extremely pissed-off father.

“I can’t believe you’d try something like this under my roof!” Frank Powell, Alex’s father, was overheard shouting while standing outside his closed bedroom door. “This isn’t ‘Animal House,’ and your mother and I aren’t Cheech and Chong, so you can just forget about using drugs in this house. In fact, the only ‘bad trip’ you’ll be taking is to drop off Nana’s medicine! How’s that for a meme, Mister TikTok?”

Totally bored by quarantine, Alex had hoped to liven up his weekend by spending a night alone tripping in his room. Sadly, his plan to Zoom chat with his friends and watch “Planet Earth” was ruined when his mother found his acid stash while dusting his nightstand.

“This is such bullshit,” complained Alex, rolling his eyes and putting a pillow over his head to block out her father’s wordplay-based threats. “He keeps ranting about getting caught smoking a cigarette when he was 13 and how his dad taught him a ‘valuable lesson’ by forcing him to smoke the whole pack in one sitting. On top of all the extra chores, he wants to do whatever the hallucinogenic version of that is to me. But everything he knows about drugs is from 1977, so I have to spend an entire night staring at a lava lamp and listening to rare Grateful Dead bootlegs.”

Despite Mr. Powell’s zealous anti-drug stance, Alex is not the first of his kids to undermine his authority by getting high in the house.

“I feel pretty bad for my brother,” stated Brandi Powell, Alex’s 22-year-old sister. “He’s going to be under crazy supervision and stuck doing chores for months. And the quarantine definitely doesn’t help the situation. This might be even worse than the time Dad caught me ripping a bong and told me that the only THC allowed in our house was ‘tradition, homework, and Christ.’ I know it took him all night to think of that.”

At press time, Mr. Powell’s lengthy tirade outside of his son’s bedroom door was growing increasingly incoherent as he admonished him that, “LSD doesn’t go on trees, young man.”