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Quarantined Stoner Trying to Form One-Person Drum Circle

LINCOLN, Neb. — Local stoner Dan “Stems” Thompson overcame the crushing despair of social isolation today by attempting to create a one-person drum circle while quarantined during the COVID-19 pandemic, hopeful sources confirmed.

“When this virus first hit, I wasn’t sure how I was going to live without the sweet sound of 20 of my brothers slapping their djembes in drug-fueled unison. But after a big Kush session and staring into the ether for three hours, I realized that no pandemic could stop the rhythm. Bro, I am the circle,” said Mr. Thompson from his bean bag chair. “Every drum I have is placed in a perfect circle in my living room — I just run back and forth while the vibration carries me. The drums rid my soul of the demons, like a giant smudge stick.”

While many find Thompson’s efforts ambitious, his peers aren’t surprised by his dedication.

“Stems is a warrior, man — of course he’s going to keep the beat alive. I don’t think he creates a beat for us to hear, though… I think he projects the song that’s already inside him for the world to experience,” said longtime friend and fellow drummer Thad “Binger” Wilson. “Once we were super baked in Durango and we happened on a drum circle, but we didn’t have our drums. Most guys would have given up, but Stems grabbed a trash can, dumped the trash on the ground, and beat the bottom of that bucket like a pro. The guy is so spiritual.”

Despite Thompson’s efforts, drum circles around the world are in drastic decline during COVID-19, causing widespread concern. However, Dr. Ferb “The Herb” Leopold, Director of Music History at Boulder’s Kind Vibes Institute, urged calm.

“We routinely see huge lulls in participation during times of turmoil. We saw dismal numbers in the 30s in Germany, and the 60s in Southeast Asia… and let’s not even talk about the 80s, man — motherfuckers started playing frisbee golf and juggling sticks. If the didgeridoo didn’t show up, all would have been lost,” Dr. Leopold explained.” But generally there will be one. One will overcome these odds; they will thrive in this era. Mr. Thompson is that one. He will reign down upon us with all his glory as he rebirths the movement. One love, my friends. One love.”

Mr. Thompson was unavailable for further comment as he was eating cereal.