WASHINGTON — Calvin, the co-star of the influential newspaper comic strip “Calvin & Hobbes,” was arrested today in conjunction with almost 14 million acts of public urination, federal prosecutors report.
“Calvin’s 25-year-long reign of terror and urine has come to an end,” announced federal prosecutor Maria Gavin. “We have not yet established a clear motive, but we do know that his primary targets were pickup trucks owned by persons mostly residing in economically depressed areas, and we are exploring if such a class-based crime can qualify as a hate crime. With victims in all 50 states, this is being treated as a major felony.”
Calvin himself addressed reporters after his arraignment.
“What the fuck? None of those 14 million examples look a thing like me,” argued a 34-year-old, unshaven Calvin. “I was just sitting at home, minding my business, doing my job for Ticketmaster where I buy Lady Gaga tickets to resell on their reseller site at a profit… when all of a sudden, BOOM! My door gets kicked down and someone throws a flashbang grenade in.”
“They totally ruined my high, too — was it necessary for them to confiscate my sess?” asked Calvin, possibly incriminating himself further. “And so what if I did piss on every pickup manufactured between 1992 and 2009? The real criminals are the bankers. It’s time we get those fuckers behind bars. And the Bilderbergs. You guys listen to Joe Rogan?”
Hobbes, Calvin’s former partner, lamented his friend’s turn towards degeneracy.
“Every single day, I think about where things went wrong,” sighed a tired Hobbes, who now works as a social worker outside of Jackson, Miss. “We had such good, innocent times; I thought they’d last forever. But then he started hanging out with that alcoholic Hagar the Horrible more and more, and before long, I was too boring for Calvin. Last time I heard from him, he tried pitching me on a dietary supplements pyramid scheme.”
The news is just the latest in a string of high-profile comic strip crimes, including Odie of “Garfield” fame and his pending insider trading trial.