Taylor De La Ossa, Author at HARDTIMES

Guitarist Kicked Out of Punk Band for Using Words Like “Arpeggio”

Posted on February 19, 2024 by Bex Kane

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Guitarist Leo “Injustice” Murphy was recently ejected from his former band, skate-punk outfit Lincoln’s Foreskin, over an incident where his use of technical musical language incensed his bandmates.

“Yeah, it’s all just the most heinous fucking kind of insipid bullshit,” said Murphy while destroying his books on music theory. “Sure, I can talk like a goddamn baby and say ‘the thing where you play out the notes of a chord one at a time,’ but why would I? We have a word for it. I think people take the wonders of language for granted, and I can’t get behind it. I think we should use all the various tools for self-expression that we have at our disposal. Plus, it’s not even that fancy of a word. It fucking sucks that I’m losing the income from playing shows, too. Now I’m stuck trying to offload weak Ketamine on community college students to make a few extra bucks.”

Lincoln’s Foreskin drummer Marie Yang gave her side of the story regarding Murphy’s departure.

“Look, if I wanted to be talked down to, I’d start a band with my dickhole brother. If you want me to speed up, just tell me to speed up,” said Yang while sulkily hitting her vape near a dumpster behind a Chili’s. “You want me to slow down, tell me to slow down. Leo was actually pretty hateful about that one. I’m not some music grad, I’m just in a punk band, and I wanna talk like I’m in a punk band. Say loud, say quiet, don’t make some shit up. Fucking pretentious asshole.”

Kelly Loeb, a violist with the Chicago Philharmonic, provided some expert insight from the perspective of an actual bonafide musician.

“I’m not totally sure I actually understand what the problem is here, but I’ll do my best. So, yeah, an arpeggio is a deconstructed chord. You play the individual notes that would make up the chord in sequence, instead of simultaneously. It’s very common in guitar music; I can’t think of any reason it would cause so much trouble in some shitty local rock band,” said Loeb apprehensively. “I hope this helps, but like I said, I’m not really sure I understand your question or why you’re so intent on bothering me about an idiot I’ve never met.”

At press time, when asked for comment, Murphy simply said that he “still won’t play fucking mathcore.”

Photo by Richard Bannow.

I’m My Own Biggest Critic, And I Fuckin’ Rock!

Posted on February 19, 2024 by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Look, I totally understand that once I release my music, it’s subject to scrutiny. But before you pass judgment, just know that my songs have already survived the toughest of gauntlets… me. Nobody is more critical of me than me, and because I also happen to be an authority on good music, my opinion has transformed from subjective to objective. So now, I can objectively say that I might just be the best goddamn musician this world has ever known.

I know what you’re thinking… Every musician thinks that their music is the best music. And you’re right. It’s sad. Think about it. There can only be one “best,” so how can thousands of losers think they’re even close to approaching peak greatness? Every time I hear some idiot’s new song, I think, “Well, that definitely needs more time in the oven.” There might be a good riff or a decent lyric, but they clearly didn’t master composition like me. If they’re seriously okay with releasing a rough draft, then they shouldn’t be “composing” music in the first place.

And I’m not just some judgmental jerk who craps on everyone else’s work. I also hold myself to music’s overall standard of greatness. I just happen to be killing it. What can I say? I cracked the code on what makes a great song, then I checked all the boxes. It wasn’t easy. If it was easy, any tool could do it. It took me two whole weeks of constant rewrites, tone auditions, and painstaking tweaks in Pro Tools till I was finally ready to release a new song.

After that grueling fortnight of damaging self-talk from my practically demonic inner critic, my confidence definitely took a hit. I’m a lot more humble these days. But after giving the new song another spin, I think it was all totally worth it.

Don’t let its lack of streams fool you. We all know that the best music isn’t appreciated until years after the artist dies. And the algorithm just favors people who pump out content. It’s all a numbers game. Everyone else can crap out those half-cooked collections of words and notes they call songs to get their dopamine fixes, but I’ve been toiling away, achieving perfection. So there you have it. Knowing what you know now, if you listen to my new song and have the slightest bit of judgment, I can objectively say that you clearly just don’t know what good music even is!

Punk Sews Slightly Larger Patch Over Canceled Band’s Logo

Posted on February 19, 2024 by Audrey Vieira

BALTIMORE — Local punk Ricky Turnbull disavowed disgraced pop punk band Finisher’s Medal by covering their once-prominent patch on his jacket with a slightly larger one bearing a less problematic band’s logo, sources preparing a defamation lawsuit report.

“Look, the allegations against Finisher’s Medal are horrifying, but I stand by my handiwork,” Turnbull said while bandaging his fingers. “I’m not taking a seam ripper to that shit. I don’t even have a seam ripper. My local Michael’s hasn’t had them in stock for weeks and I’m not caving to the fascists at Hobby Lobby. Supporting the local scene is always the best move, especially when a band’s name alone has enough characters to cover my old patch. We’re all just trying to survive out here.”

Turnbull’s roommate Mike Weathers, on the other hand, criticized the cover-up as performative and poorly stitched.

“Ricky technically still wears his Finisher’s Medal patch, so he never actually turned on them,” Weathers said while taking a seam ripper to another canceled band’s merchandise. “Mark my words, as soon as those assholes win their defamation suit, his new patch is going to fall right off if it hasn’t already. I’m not buying his excuses about the seam ripper either. True punks don’t buy seam rippers. We shoplift them from Hobby Lobby the way God intended.”

Guitarist and merch expert Sophie Wilson, who sold Turbull his conveniently-sized new patch, encourages more bands to release larger patches for fans in need of cover-ups.

“Studies of my sales show that whenever a band gets canceled, I make money,” Wilson said while counting dollar bills. “We rake in even more cash when it’s cold out and people have no choice but to wear their jackets to shows. It can be hard to choose between dying of frostbite or having an awkward conversation about how you’re wearing a canceled band’s patch, but buying a brand new patch from me will fix that. Well, not a Brand New patch. My band is called Mary Shelley Duvall and we’ve never done anything wrong.”

At press time, sources spotted Turnbull scouring merch tables for an even larger patch after learning members of Mary Shelley Duvall allegedly went to Starbucks in secret.

Photo by Mac McCarthy.

Ten Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Aren’t Nearly As Exciting As Ludacris’ Guest Spot In Usher’s Halftime Show

Posted on February 18, 2024 by Corey Montgomery

The Super Bowl is over, the confetti has been swept up, and you have nothing left to look forward to in this unforgiving winter. You might be considering drastic measures like reading to alleviate your boredom and depression. We’ll be the first to say it, reading is the lamest and least productive way to spend your time. Why stare at a book when you can do literally anything else?

What if we told you there was a form of media that offers the benefits of consuming the written word without the chore of using your imagination or eyes? No, it’s not magic. It’s music, and there is an endless supply of it on the internet. Here’s just a sampling of some of our new favorites to listen to while scrolling mindlessly on our phones and refusing to expand our vocabularies and brain strength.

IDLES “Hall & Oates”

IDLES finally released their highly anticipated fifth album ‘TANGK.’ Featuring production from Nigel Godrich, Kenney Beats, and the band’s guitarist Mark Bowen, the record expands even further on the sonic exploration that defined their previous effort ‘CRAWLER.’ There are some seriously somber and vibey moments throughout the entire record, making the band’s standard high-octane flair punch even harder when it rears its head. Hyper-speed garage rocker and album highlight ‘Hall & Oates,’ for example, sounds even more raucous than it already is when slotted right after lead single ‘Grace’ – which ICYMI now has a deep-faked Chris Martin lip-syncing to the lyrics in its new video. It’s these chaotic moments of sequencing that make the record a gut-wrenching rollercoaster that is sure to translate well in their already batshit live sets.

Dick Valentine “Island of Pigs”

When Electric Six’s fearless leader, Tyler Spencer, isn’t belting out the horniest dance-rock anthems you’ve ever heard, he’s working diligently on his ever-expanding solo discography under the name of Dick Valentine. His eleventh album, ‘Do You Notice?’ quietly dropped at the beginning of the month, and it is filled with the high caliber ear-worm gems you would expect at this point in his storied career. The thumping bass and bombastic riffage of his more notable projects has been replaced with jangly guitars and a bit more vulnerable lyricism, especially on album highlight ‘Island of Pigs,’ but the intensity has not diminished a single iota. While Spencer’s solo material might not make you want to put the kids to bed quite like an Electric Six joint, it will still get you moving, or at very least, bobbing your head just a bit.

Sheer Mag “Eat It and Beat It”

In case you missed it, Philadelphia’s garage-punk legends Sheer Mag inked a deal with Third Man Records last year and have steadily been teasing their upcoming third album ‘Playing Favorites.’ The fourth and presumably final lead single for the record, ‘Eat It and Beat It’ harkens to their seventies-inspired hard rock roots, with the band likening it to a call to arms for the next generation of aspiring rockers. This is easy to believe with the arrangement, packed wall to riffs and dirty as shit production. The straightforward and fun anthem only briefly meanders to drop into a brief ‘what the fuck was that?’ psych section before barreling right back into the hook. With Sheer Mag proclaiming this track to be the handbook for all future guitar heroes and fist pumpers, then the new legion of incoming degenerates will have quite the cohesive blueprint to follow.

Hot Water Music “Burn Forever” & “Menace”

Gainesville, Florida’s post-hardcore legends Hot Water Music are celebrating their 30th year of existence with the announcement of their tenth album ‘Vows.’ It is set to be a star-studded event featuring members of Turnstile, Thrice and the Interrupters just to name a few. In addition to the new record, the band will also be embarking on an anniversary tour with Quicksand, which has prompted several PTO requests from our staff. As if this wasn’t enough to give everyone a collective heart attack, two new singles, ‘Burn Forever’ and ‘Menace,’ have also been thrust upon the public. Both are absolute shit-kickers that will make you consider upping your blood pressure medication before copping tickets to your town’s show this spring.

METZ “99” and “Entwined (Street Light Buzz)”

It’s been four long years, but METZ is back, baby! Toronto’s experimental punk outfit just announced their fifth album ‘Up On Gravity’ hill with the release of two excellent and wide-ranging singles ‘99’ and ‘Entwined (Street Light Buzz).’ No strangers to covering large expanses of sonic ground, both tracks feature the band exploring far corners of punk terrain. ‘Entwined’ explores tight angular riffs while bordering on math and psych-rock, all the while cradling a lyrical theme of human connection. Conversely, ‘99,’ a song about late-stage capitalist greed builds on droning noise guitar before exploding into a glam-technicolor chorus. Remember those demos you recorded on your last acid trip? These tracks are what those would have sounded like if they were even a little listenable.

HANABIE. “O・TA・KUラブリー伝説”

Our Managing Editor has been on a pretty big Japanese metal-core kick lately. As a result, the writers’ room has been subjected to hours upon hours of the self-proclaimed “Harajuku-core” outfit HANABIE. Don’t get us wrong, it’s sick as fuck and their latest single ‘O・TA・KUラブリー伝説’ is a certified banger. It’s just that she insists on playing it at full ear-splitting volume on nearly every speaker in the building. It’s becoming a productivity issue, and every time we ask her to turn it down she starts cleaning a gun or sharpening one of the many blades in her office. This normally wouldn’t intimidate us, but she makes direct eye contact the entire time and refuses to blink until we turn away.

HEALTH “Be Quiet And Drive (Far Away)” (Deftones Cover)

LA industrial-rock trio HEALTH – who have in the past collaborated with Deftones’ Chico Moreno – just released a dreamy-as-fuck cover of the seminal ‘Be Quiet And Drive (Far Away).’ While the blissful shoegaze-meets-metal elements of the original remain largely intact, the walls of fuzz guitar are replaced with swirling synth pads and heavily processed electro-drums. While a bit of chugging guitar makes an appearance, it’s barely audible until about two-thirds of the way through the otherworldly rendition. One of our most stoned staffers has been jamming on this one pretty frequently after his afternoon ‘walks’ and we can’t say we blame him.

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists “The One Who Got Us Out”

Believe it or not, but Ted Leo and the Pharmacists’ breakthrough and highly influential album, ‘Shake the Sheets,’ is turning twenty years old this year. It’s one of those records that you likely refer to as ‘timeless’ to further ignore the fact that you were much younger, hopeful, and agile in 2004. To mark the occasion, Ted Leo will be taking his Pharmacists – both figurative and hopefully literal – out for a few dates across the country where they will play the album in its entirety. This means you won’t need to ruin the show for everyone around you by constantly screaming ‘PLAY THE ONE WHO GOT US OUT.’ We doubt you won’t still do it, though. We all know how quickly your patience and attention span runs dry these days.

Because we know you’re too despondent to do it yourself, we’ve compiled these and several other questionable tunes into a playlist for you. It’s literally the least we could do. Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you’re a tastemaker in the world of punk, indie, hardcore and metal.

Help! I Stole This Catalytic Converter but I’m Not Even Sure What It Does

Posted on February 18, 2024 by Holden Klym

Rent was due and I needed cash fast. What was I to do? Doordashing doesn’t get me much, neither does driving for a ride-share service. If I was going to avoid eviction, I knew I would have to turn to a life of crime.

Shoplifting wouldn’t get me anywhere, and holding up a bank felt like too extreme of a measure, so I decided to get into the catalytic converter game. There’s been enough memes about them online lately. There’s gotta be a high demand.

I went outside and started hunting the part down. I was shocked to find a catalytic converter in every single car on my block, even on MY car! I may drive a beater but clearly, it’s got some hidden gems. And crumbs between the seats. And a loud rumbling sound coming from the engine. That’s got nothing to do with me removing the catalytic converter though since all my neighbor’s cars are having the same issue. There must be something in the air.

Okay, so, I have a bunch of catalytic converters. Great. Now what, whats the next step? What does a catalytic converter even do? Does anyone know? I’d call my buddy who knows a bit about cars to ask what he thinks but that wouldn’t end well. Suddenly, it’d be all about how I’m “too old to be doing this” and need to just “get a real job” and “Wait, did you steal my catalytic converter too?” and on and on.

I put in the description for the Facebook Marketplace listing that they all “convert catalytics very well.” I’d hoped that would be convincing enough. Only a few messages have rolled in about them—all from my neighbors. People keep asking me if the part is CARB-compliant. What does gluten have to do with this? I’m pretty sure if you put bread in it, you’ll die or something. I don’t know, that’s at least how it’d work with an exhaust pipe. They’re basically the same.

I never would’ve gotten into this if I knew how much people would expect me to know about cars. Oh, well. At least if it doesn’t sell I could find a way to turn it into a bong—I know people wouldn’t ask as many questions about that before buying it.

Pervert at Burlesque Show Doesn’t Have All Day

Posted on February 18, 2024 by Doug Kolic

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Local sexual deviant Glen O’Roarke wished the performers at the Cabaret Tease Burlesque Show would hurry up and get naked already because he didn’t have all day, confirmed much more patient sources.

“What’s a guy gotta do to see some full-frontal up in this joint?” said O’Roarke as he impatiently tapped his wristwatch at the dancers. “I’m only checking this place out because my normal peeler bar asked/told me not to come around anymore because of my ‘vibe,’ but I’ve already been here milking this beer for 40 minutes and so far all I’ve seen are frilly knickers, some side boob, and a bunch of long comedy skits. If I had known these chicks would be such prudes I would have just gone to Victoria’s Secret to leer at the mannequins for free.”

Performer Honey Vixen described the unruly customer.

“What kind of moron’s never heard of a burlesque show?” stated Vixen. “Everyone should know we’re not that kind of a club. We offer a unique one-of-a-kind entertainment experience, we’re not here just to flash you so you can get off. But this weirdo really freaked everyone out, obnoxiously chanting to see more skin and getting upset when he couldn’t get a lap dance. We tried to ignore him, but after he made it rain on one of the girls our bouncer Beretta Royale had no choice but to throw him out and teach him a lesson.”

Psychologist Dr. Chris Sampson explained that it’s not uncommon for perverts to misjudge their surroundings and make people uncomfortable.

“Society has a long history of trying to coexist with degenerates,” Dr. Sampson stated. “For as long as human civilization has been around, there has always been a group of dirty men skeeving everyone out. These people spend so much time in houses of ill-repute that they get a warped sense of reality and expect nudity everywhere. Ignoring them is tricky because it can have the opposite effect, so I recommend removing them as quickly as possible and if that doesn’t work a can of mace will.”

At press time, the club was able to continue the show uninterrupted while O’Roarke was finally able to get satisfaction after getting kicked in the balls by the bouncer, which was apparently one of his many sick kinks.

Oh No: I Was Visited by the Ghost of Johnny Ramone Last Night and He Was Wearing a MAGA Hat

Posted on February 18, 2024 by Chris Bowen

Last night, I was visited by a punk rock god by the name of Johnny Ramone. Well, not exactly visited by him in person, because his physical body has been dead for 20 years now, but it was certainly his ghost. And although being a huge Ramones fan all my life, it turned out to be one of the most disappointing moments of my entire existence. Disappointing because on top of Johnny’s trademark mop-top sat a bright red MAGA hat.

They say not to meet your idols, but no one ever said you shouldn’t meet your dead idol’s ghost. I’ve learned that fact the hard way.

Now, I know I shouldn’t be totally shocked that Johnny would be a Trumper. I mean, look at how much he loved George W. Bush before he passed away. “God Bless George Bush?” of course if he were around, or his ghost were around, he’d mostly likely become the punk voice of the MAGA cult. But having him in ghost form visit me unannounced and saying “Stop the steal” in that thick Brooklyn accent makes me question if I ever want to listen to “Road to Ruin” ever again!

This hat ordeal was really only the beginning. He kept going on about how Trump is a “Victim of a modern day witch hunt,” and “Let’s go Brandon” at whatever chance he got. I wanted to talk to him about I don’t know…the early CBGB days or what it was like working with Phil Specter or something. But nope, he seemed like he couldn’t even hear me. You know how difficult it is to have an apparition of your idol show up in your apartment spouting right wing nonsense while wearing a MAGA hat and a Mickey Mouse t-shirt? I really wish Dee Dee would have shown up instead.

This whole experience has opened my eyes to something I never even thought of before. Something that I probably should have considered decades ago. And that is I should probably slow down on sniffing glue in my bed at night before falling asleep.

Hardcore Frontman Midway Through Rambling, Philosophical Monologue Informs Audience That All of Venue’s Doors and Windows Have Been Locked From the Outside

Posted on February 18, 2024 by James Knapp

TYLER, Texas. — Local hardcore band Crate Full of Saws recently alarmed audience members when, in the middle of an unfocused and seemingly endless speech, the band’s frontman communicated that all of the venue’s means of egress had been firmly locked from the outside, suddenly very nervous sources confirmed.

“He was going on and on about unity and how we are all of the same blood and a couple people went to step outside for a smoke and that’s when we were told there was no escape. I really can’t believe I’m trapped listening to this low-rent philosophy lecture right now,” said showgoer Teresa Chandler while frantically checking latches. “I don’t even know who this band is, but for the past twenty minutes I’ve been forced to listen to this weird diatribe, he’s actually pulled up a PowerPoint presentation about the importance of loyalty. This should be considered illegal detainment.

Crate Full of Saws frontman Steve “The Prophet” Howard took a brief break from his ongoing remarks to remark on said remarks.

“I’m just trying to keep it real out here! I believe that a positive mental attitude is the most important part of better living,” began Howard before obviously losing this thread as his eyes glazed over. “I also believe that the Gulf of Tonkin was an inside job by the Disney corporation, women voters are the reason that the moon landing wasn’t faked, and that Sigmund Freud didn’t die, he just got really sleepy. So I’ve been trying to tie all that into this spiel as well.”

Local Fire Marshal Peter Stiller expressed his disapproval for locking people inside a building under any circumstances.

“I’ve seen this happen too many times. Some new hardcore band realizes they only have 10 minutes of material for a 20-minute set so the frontman is tasked with lecturing everyone. But imprisoning people while ranting about the scene is a bad idea, this venue already has two strikes against it,” stated Stiller. “I’m shutting this crap down, if they want they can finish up their little conspiracy seminar in the parking lot, but I’m guessing by the way everyone is all bolting for the doors that that’s probably a nonstarter.”

At press time, Crate Full of Saws had cornered the show’s promoter and claimed that Howard’s speech put them long over their set time and they should get paid double.

Music News: Dave Grohl Releasing Bad Brains Cover

Posted on February 17, 2024 by Jake Skudder

Dave Grohl will be releasing a Bad Brains cover for Record Store Day this April, and thankfully it isn’t of Don’t Blow Bubbles.

Anthrax teased a collaboration with the Foo Fighters and Nirvana legend last year, posting an image on social media with the caption “New album is going to be awesome #FooThrax”.

It now appears that what they were recording was a cover of the not-homophobic song ‘The Regulator,’ with the release coming out under the name G.B.I. and only 3000 copies being pressed.

Anthrax co-founder Scott Ian and drummer Charlie Benante will also be on the exclusive Record Store Day 7 inch.

Music News: Dave Grohl Releasing a Bad Brains Cover for Record Store Day

Scott Ian of Anthrax revealed (via NME): “We ripped Regulator live in 2 takes, the way it should be! It was so much fun to get to play with Dave on drums and to hear his voice with my guitar! We’re all such huge Bad Brains fans and have asked WWBBD? (What would Bad Brains do?) many times. Hope you get a copy!”

Record Store Day is on Saturday, April 20th 2024, but actually, every day is Record Store Day so go to your local record store now.

The Hard Times Real News: Yes I also Google Bad Brains every other week hoping they’ve apologised so I can listen to them guilt-free again

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans.

Music News: IDLES Show Palestinian Solidarity Following Bob Vylan Critcism

Posted on February 17, 2024 by Jake Skudder

British Punk band IDLES recently showed solidarity with the people of Palestine during a launch show for their new album Tangk.

The band played at the Brixton Electic in London on February 16th in a special ‘out-store’ event that was hosted by Rough Trade. It was exclusively for fans who had already preordered the album.

IDLES played nine songs from Tangk, as well as a ton of different classics from their repertoire, amid backlash from acts like Bob Vylan for remaining silent regarding the ongoing conflict in Gaza.

Music News: IDLES Show Palestinian Solidarity Amidst Criticism

As reported by NME: “Several times during the night, frontman Joe Talbot voiced his support for the people of Gaza suffering as a result of the war with Israel. Introducing ‘Mother’, he paid tribute to his own late mum’s social conscience and said that if she were alive today, she would also support the Palestinian cause.”

On top of that, Talbot changed lyrics to the chorus of IDLES song ‘The Wheel’ to “Can I get a hallelujah? Viva Palestina.”

These statements come after Bob Vylan criticised both IDLES and Sleaford Mods last year for not being publicly vocal about the issue:

“It’s a cowardly fucking thing,” Bobby Vylan during a gig. “So fuck Idles, fuck Sleaford Mods and fuck every single one of those fucking apolitical bands that don’t want to fucking speak up when there’s something a little bit iffy, a little bit touchy, a little bit sensitive [because they’ve] got a fucking bullshit album to sell.”

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans.