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Limited Edition $200 Red and Gold Swirl “Jane Doe” Record Played on $29 Amazon Turntable

SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Local man Malcolm Evans recently purchased a limited edition $200 red and gold swirl copy of “Jane Doe” and plays it nonstop on his $29 turntable from Amazon, exasperated sources confirmed.

“I understand it’s not ideal to listen through these built-in speakers here, but a good turntable is prohibitively expensive. And with the economy and inflation…” said Evans as he trailed off. “I’m just saying it all adds up. There’s rent, food, and of course, that $100 limited silver and blue ‘We Are The Romans’ 2LP record I found on eBay. Oh, and streaming services. Those keep going up, along with the bid price of that holographic purple copy of ‘Pyroclasts.’ After shelling out for all of life’s necessities, I just don’t have the budget for better sound.”

His roommate, Antonella Curtis, is used to this kind of tragic behavior.

“I’m still not over the adapter incident. I’m no audiophile, but I still cringe thinking about him listening to vinyl over Bluetooth,” said Curtis as Evans shouted “don’t call it vinyl!” in the background. “I seriously watched him plug a 1/4″ jack adapter into the record player, then into an auxiliary Bluetooth car adapter. Which, of course, he tried to pair with $15 noise-canceling headphones he found on TEMU. And yes, this was after his speech about the superior quality of analog sound. It’s almost impressive how poorly he adheres to his own annoying beliefs.”

Kolton Vargas owns a collectibles shop in the neighborhood and lent his expert insight.

“I just hope that idiot doesn’t ruin something nice with his garbage setup. About once a week he asks me about what he should upgrade, but he’s never pulled the trigger. I don’t know how many times I can say ‘everything,’” said Vargas. “I even offered him a nice wooden frame for free so he can just put that ‘Jane Doe’ record on a wall. I tried to explain FLAC to him, but he said it didn’t sound great on the headphones he stole from a Spirit flight. I’m just hoping he never buys the vintage Slayer shirt he keeps eyeing on the wall. I just know I’d see paint stains on it a week later.”

At press time, Evans was seen attempting to install a new set of high-end custom wheels on his 1998 Honda Accord.