Ride shares are expensive and highly exploitative of their employees. You want to avoid them, but sometimes your hands are tied and you gotta do what you gotta do. And usually, it goes fine. Every once in a while though, the universe will actively choose to punish you for your transgression.
As tip-based workers, most Uber drivers go out of their way to make sure their passengers feel safe and relaxed. That’s what makes it all the more alarming that this particular driver has chosen to subject strangers to “The Joe Rogan Experience.” Here are the top 20 things you’re going to want to start being afraid of the moment you realize whose car you just got locked in.
20. Realizing you forgot to charge your headphones
Of course, it would be today. You can try rolling the window down and hoping the highway noise is loud enough to drown out another conversation about whether or not a chimp could beat a sumo wrestler in a pie-eating contest.
19. Conversation
Yeah, sure enough, this dude is super chatty for a guy already listening to a conversation. “You seen all this woke-ass shit Marvel is doing now?!” That’s his opener. That’s where he wants to start. This is “Hello” in this guy’s world, and you just took a seat in it. Better buckle up, this will be the longest 16 minutes of your life.
18. The seatbelt is broken
Right, sure, real men don’t wear those or some shit, so why would he have his in working order? He only drives strangers around for a living, no need to roll out the red carpet or anything!
17. You are suddenly clocking multiple signs of damage on the vehicle
The driver-side rearview is attached with duct tape, there are multiple dents, it sounds like the muffler is dragging and the dashboard looks like it’s been punched multiple times for some reason. Oh, there, he just punched it because the light turned red. That explains that one at least.
16. Misinformation seeping into your brain if you drop your guard for even a second
Sure, we all like to think we’re not susceptible, then next thing you know you’re having coffee with friends casually mentioning that a lot of what we call “global warming” is actually caused by normal shifts in the Earth’s electromagnetic field.
15. The fact that you’re on your way to a doctor’s appointment
Hopefully, he doesn’t notice what your destination actually is until you get there, because if he does you’re in for an earful about how Western medicine is bullshit and how you need to be paying more attention to your stomach biome. This is all while he drinks Mountain Dew and eats beef jerky from a gas station.
14. Accidentally laughing at something Duncan Trussell said
Fuck! He thinks you’re cool with this now! It’s not fair! Duncan is so accessible and charming, he should not be allowed on this show!
13. Traffic jam
No no, take your time everyone, I’m just locked in a confined space with an unbridled psychopath who assumes I hate trans athletes too, no big deal!
12. He’s probably microdosing
As a freethinking alpha male your driver is very likely to have consumed just a SMALL amount of powerful hallucinogenic drugs for breakfast. It helps him think outside the box. Boxes like “I should wait until that elderly woman finishes crossing the street” and “the speed limit.”
11. He probably eyeballed that microdose
“Micrograms, grams, what’s the difference?!” The difference is your driver keeps getting super paranoid and asking if you think the black Cadillac is following you guys when there is no black Cadillac.
10. What was in that water he gave you?
You’ve been making a big show of drinking it, hoping to convey that you’re far too busy hydrating to answer questions like “Could you fight a Brazillian?” and “Think Biden’s gonna steal another election?” but come to think of it, was this thing even sealed when he handed it to you? You drank most of it and you feel kinda funny.
9. Your ride is shared, and your co-passenger is pumped to hear Rogan
You are now trapped in a car with two maniacs, one of whom is sitting right next to you and not even beholden to the Uber star rating system, not that the driver seems to give fuck all about that in the first place! Why the hell didn’t you bail when he picked this guy up like that voice in your head told you to?!
8. His driving is becoming more aggressive, along with everything else about him
He’s cutting people off left and right, way over the speed limit, and the podcast is getting louder and louder. Oh shit, he’s monologuing about how one day a real rain will come and wash all the scum away. That’s from “Taxi Driver” right? This is bad,
7. There is probably a gun in the car
And he knows where it is, and you don’t.
6. Your life is in this person’s hands
Yup, you built a secure life for yourself, you work out, you haven’t had any saturated fat since 2009, you’ve tried to make the right decisions your entire life, and all of a sudden that means fuck all because you figured an Uber would be quicker than taking the bus. A man who takes horse tranquilizer and raw eggs to treat COVID-19 can end it all with one wrong turn, and judging by what you can gleam of his life, this dude loves wrong turns.
5. The last thing you said to the person you love was “I think mango has been giving me the runs”
You could fire off a quick “I love you” follow-up text, but those two messages will look super weird together.
4. DMT. That’s what was in the water, it was DMT
Oh SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!
3. The singularity, bro
I mean you ever think about that shit bro? Because the stuff the scientists are doing NOW, in their labs, with the AI and shit, it’s just bringing us closer to an invention that’s going to change EVERYTHING. Once we create a truly intelligent machine advances in our technology are going to happen at a rate that we perceive to be INSTANTANEOUS bro, I mean when you really look at what’s going on we’ve got nanotechnology, we’ve got quantum computing, we’re learning to decode and manipulate the human genome, all of these factors that contribute to, hey what kinda weed we got in this car, can we smoke some weed?
2. Hollywood elites want to turn you into a cuck
It’s like you can be anything you want but masculine and straight these days bro! You can’t say ANYTHING anymore, because the second you speak your mind you get canceled by the woke mob thought police. It’s all just part of the globalist agenda to create a more complacent and docile populace bro, incapable of putting up a fight so jack-booted socialists can come take our property and round us up into death camps. Have you seen this woke ass shit Marvel is doing these days?!
1. Straight white men are facing genocide bro
Yup, being dosed with DMT and exposed to 30 minutes of Joe Rogan was all it took. You’re cured now. You see the light. Time to confidently inform your driver you will no longer be going to the tracking chip murder factory you once called a hospital, and instead bring you to the nearest gun store that also sells elk jerky. Don’t worry, he knows just the place!