SEATTLE — Amazon Founder Jeff Bezos once again reclaimed the title of “World’s Richest Man” by pulling himself up from his bootstraps and working extra hours to make more money than one human could possibly spend in several lifetimes, sources confirmed.
“These past few years have been tough. When Elon (Musk) got the title in 2022 I thought about hanging it all up, cashing out, and starting a space colony on the moon with me and 200 of the most beautiful women on Earth,” said Bezos from his mega yacht. “But after a few days of hunting humans on a private island in the South Pacific I realized I just needed to grind harder, set some goals, and I could be back on top. I saved money by eating at home with a world-class private chef instead of going out every night. I made coffee at home using beans from the 75,000-acre region of Columbia I bought, and I saved money on my Prime subscription by watching it with commercials. It’s that easy.”
Fans of Bezos were thrilled to hear he was once again on top of the world.
“I do whatever I can to support Jeff. Whenever I go by a mom-and-pop book store I make sure I give the owner the finger and then dump a bottle of piss I always keep in my backpack on some of their display books,” said Tony Lincoln, moderator of the “Crazos for Bezos” Facebook group. “I also only shop at Whole Foods, I’ll stock up on food and throw most of it away to help the cause. These billionaires work so hard to give us all the conveniences we need as a society, the least we can do is give them our money, and online bully anyone that tries to unionize an Amazon warehouse.”
Leading financial analyst Luis Pererro says he isn’t surprised to see Bezos as the world’s richest man once again.
“The mega-rich are doing an amazing job at hoarding wealth like we have never seen before. A simple rounding error on Mr. Bezos’ bottom line would be enough to change the lives of most people living paycheck to paycheck, but they still somehow skirt responsibility and paying taxes,” said Pererro. “I guarantee within the next 20 years there will be a colony on Mars made up of billionaires and we still will not have a reasonable minimum wage in the United States. And we have people like Mr. Bezos to thank for the hell we all live in.”
At press time, Bezos’ net worth skyrocketed by an additional $23.87 after stealing the tip jar from a local sandwich shop.