Taylor De La Ossa, Author at HARDTIMES

Coffee Chains Ranked By How Easy It Is To Live in The Air Ducts

Posted on May 7, 2024 by Alex Vlahov

Did you hear that there’s a recession around the corner? You may be completely broke, but you are going to hang out in cafes, by hook or crook. Sneaking into the air ducts is obviously the most practical solution. You love cost-cutting tips and saving techniques. Now, courtesy of HVAC systems, you can spend hours in your favorite coffee shop – as long as you’re fine with low light, the whirring grind of coffee beans, and frequently shifting temperatures. With a bevy of options, below is a ranking to help guide your next crawling adventure through various coffee franchise ventilation ducts!

20. The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf

The damn tiny circular pipes here never allow enough space for catching up on all of your work. You try to bring your laptop up, but there’s just never enough room. Plus, people whisper about the swaying air ducts. Better lay low until the staff closes. Then, you are the king of the Coffee Bean.

19. Starbucks

Shoddy standardized air ducts that promise more than they deliver. Jagged interiors, with thick bordered separations and rivets that jut into your thighs while trying to read the collected stories of Anton Chekhov. However, placement is often great for eavesdropping on normies.

18. Stumptown Coffee Roasters

Ah, the legendary Portland brand. The rich aromas waft into the air ducts, but the crawl space is a bit tighter than other chains. That’s the hand-made, twee Portland way. Aesthetics over practicality. Be sure to don your facial piercings and develop a love of vinyl before hiding in this ductwork.

17. Blue Bottle Coffee

Such overrated air ducts, try to avoid them at all costs. Clearly installed by Ductmate Industries (you can tell by the sealant). Hilarious watching customers take out a mortgage to buy a costly iced coffee. Plus, it is always freezing inside. The constant AC means you can barely keep the papers down while scribbling your manifesto.

16. Wawa (Wawa Coffee)

Cold winters and muggy summers make for long uncomfortable stretches in these East Coast vents. You better love the smell of hoagies. You’ll be going home to your family with a thick sandwich stench, if you can pop the vent off or get past the nest of spiders. This seems to be a job by Sheet Metal Connectors, which you recognize from your stalking days because they do commercial AND residential installations.

15. Philz Coffee

Difficult to crawl through these air ducts discreetly, most opting for the circular tunnel style. Corners are your friend but curves mean your sweaty palms just slide on each push forward, the difficulty of keeping the Zippo lit while crawling. Shimmy to the vent for breathing holes. Maybe whisper to an employee asking to sneak you one of their famous iced coffees.

14. PJ’s Coffee

The humidity of New Orleans is enough to keep your apparel in these vents minimal: shorts, a small tee, occasionally just your birthday suit as you catch up on emails in this warm, compressed space. Not great for your health owing to the dust, cramped neck posture and general complete lack of light.

13. Costa Coffee

Costa uses Ductmate Industries branded shafts, which you actually prefer (ideally the larger models). This seems to be a newer installation so be sure to stretch first so you can read Rick Rubin’s memoir next to the scant light slats at either end. Ignore the stale stench of uninspired pastries.

12. McCafé (McDonald’s)

The smell of McDonald’s is tempting for a half hour, until the constant odor of grease and preservatives waft into your personal space. Crawl out and try to avoid a lawsuit after absolutely horrifying an entire family in the bathroom.

11. Tim Hortons

Functional, no-frills air ducts. Sure, they can ventilate the entire store, but this HVAC system is old and shockingly out of date. You’re mostly covered within their stucco ceiling, which is definitely a plus for privacy, but also means you’re operating in complete darkness. Just bring a headlamp, then you should then be all set for some light breaking and entering.

10. Peet’s Coffee

Unfortunately most of the HVAC system here is connected, all going to a central room that is often locked. This forces you to be crafty in Peet’s, risky since you’re actually a fan of this chain and don’t want to be banned. Try to find your “air vent hookup” with an employee. Use coded language about HVAC repair to let them know you’re “on the level,” or just start wearing Carhartt-branded clothes.

9. Seattle’s Best Coffee

The intricate labyrinthine maze of shafts make this air duct system impossible to navigate. Of course this was a Titus HVAC job, you could’ve guessed that with your eyes closed. You’re a fan of the pastries here, so try to find space above the oven (if you can even find it). Keep the volume down as you catch up on Shogun, and throw quarters into the tip jar from above.

8. Caffè Nero

Unfortunately the nearest location has a ventilation system that is always breaking, which means you keep encountering their HVAC repair guy. Occasionally a head pokes up, asking what you’re doing hiding in the air vents. But you’ve become friends with Jeff, occasionally catching up over MMA (his interest) or taxidermy antiquing (your interest). Much better conversation than the dead rats you usually find.

7. 7-Eleven

These convenience stores offer serviceable coffee to go in giant plastic jugs. Luckily there are 7-Elevens all over, most with a similar layout, so you’re able to navigate the entire duct system with relative ease. The entire ductwork job was installed by DuctSox, one of your favorites in the HVAC racket. Plus, this place indulges two of your ultimate vices: scratchers and taquitos. Find your favorite corner of the jointed duct, and catch up on the latest Danielle Steel!

6. It’s A Grind Coffee House

A compact space unwelcoming for long bouts of time hiding in their air conditioning system, clearly manufactured by Lindab (you’re a big fan of their metal fittings). This place has solid breakfast burritos, maybe make one in the after-hours. Be sure to clean up for the morning staff, even though you’ve already been caught on security cameras.

5. Caribou Coffee

These state of the art Nordfab air ducts result in the most comfortable, luxurious experience in your squatting life. Relax your spine in privacy and meditate, knowing all of the camping gear you brought allows you to spend the entire weekend here. Peeing in a mason jar, just like a real caribou in the wild!

4. Dutch Bros. Coffee

You can straight-up get weird in this ductwork. Groove around the pre-insulated panels, leave sweaty imprints. The music is played so loud here so that there’s no way of creating a distraction. Plus you’re pretty sure this was a Kingspan-manufactured installation, so you can shimmy all night in these ducts and snack on stale baked goods! Be careful in the airport locations, best to have an inside hookup for premium air duct access.

3. Dunkin’ (formerly Dunkin’ Donuts)

Honestly, your favorite air ducts to hide in. Maybe it was the trips here with your father before he left. Maybe it’s the sugary aroma wafting out the door. Either way, you nearly fall into a comatose state as the glaze and cream wafts up into your nostrils. Let the sugar rush wave over you, murmur in bliss through the vents. Make employees think the store is haunted.

2. La Colombe Coffee Roasters

The unforgiving brick keeps the interiors around the ducts cool. You feel stylish inside this joint, opting to wear your bifocals and quill pen, despite no one able to see you. It is La Colombe, after all. You only read or write there to be seen. The dude in the flannel below you who looks like he has dedicated his life to Kurt Vonnegut knows what you’re talking about.

1. Intelligentsia

Ooh la la! Très chic! For when you want that high-class coffee feel, sneak into the air ducts of Intelligentsia. Even the air ducts are above you, in all aspects, including socially. This is finely-crafted, pretentious industrial construction at its finest. At least you can feel superior to everyone else while here at Intelligentsia, hiding alone, in the dark, in the ceiling. Who’s the “loser” now, dad?!

Israel Rejects Ceasefire After Realizing it Also Applies to Their Own Military

Posted on May 7, 2024 by Matthew Schneeman

GAZA CITY — Members of the far-right Israeli government rejected a recent ceasefire proposal after they realized they would also be expected to stop all military actions in Palestine, confirmed multiple sources.

“At first we were very excited about the agreement. Hamas was going to quit firing missiles, lay down their guns, and release all the hostages. We figured after that we could wipe out whoever was left and call the place ‘New Israel’ or something like that,” said Israeli defense minister Yoav Gallant. “But then we were informed we would also have to stop killing people, and that simply doesn’t work for us. Our military has so many more bullets to fire, so many more bombs to drop, if we just let those sit on a shelf then the United States won’t send us any more new weapons. And we love those weapons, each delivery of artillery is like the best birthday gift a guy could ask for.”

Many Palestinians celebrated in the streets when news broke that Hamas accepted a ceasefire deal.

“I was overjoyed. I assumed our nightmare was finally over, but within hours the Israeli military had taken over the city and cut off our access to the only border crossing we have,” said Fatima Hassan, a young mother of two. “We haven’t had clean water in months, we are starving, we just want this to be over so we can live. But every time an IDF vehicle nears a hospital or sees a truck carrying aid they open fire on it and claim it was a hiding spot for Hamas leaders. Those people left a long time ago, we are here alone.”

President Biden was quick to defend Israel’s choice and pledged that America would continue to show its support.

“Listen Jack, we want a sustained peace as much as anyone. But we can’t tell Israel what to do, it’s like having a young child. If you yell at them and tell them what to do they are just going to throw a fit. The best thing we can do is remind the Israeli government that we are proud of them and love them unconditionally,” said President Biden. “Eventually we might have to show some tough love and cut off their allowance, but this is also a good place to try out some new weapons for when we eventually have to fight Russia, I probably shouldn’t have said that.”

At press time, Israeli officials are pushing for a ceasefire that would still allow the IDF to “kill a few dozen people a day just to be safe.”

Poser Sound Guy Doesn’t Even Know Who Michael Winslow Is

Posted on May 7, 2024 by Chris Bowen

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local audio engineer Kent Barger was once again frustrated after receiving accusations of being a phony for not knowing the ultimate “sound guy” Michael Winslow, several disgusted sources report.

“Listen, I’ve been a staple of the Rochester indie rock scene for over three weeks now, and when the sound guy for the show I’m playing has never even seen ‘Police Academy 3: Back in Training’ it’s time to call a spade a spade,” said Chad Rieber, singer for local band Bacon Slam. “During soundcheck he kept going on about ‘kick drum’ this and ‘vocal one’ that. When it was all said and done, he never made one hilariously realistic intercom sound or even any ‘bleeps,’ ‘sweeps’ or any ‘creeps!’ I couldn’t believe it. That’s what’s wrong with the music scene these days, there’s no respect for the greats who can make the sound of someone stepping on leaves or a car with a flat tire using only their mouth. That guy paved the way for live audio engineers everywhere.”

Barger believes the constant barrage of accusations each night are uncalled for.

“I’m sick of people doing this to me,” Barger explained. “Just because I have a passion for individual snare sounds and hearing lead singers say ‘check’ for 20 straight minutes doesn’t mean I know every single person who can use their body to recreate 10,000 unique sound effects. It’s irritating always being compared to some guy who was in ‘Spaceballs.’ It’s downright painful sometimes.”

Winslow himself was known to have a bit of a presence in the live audio community.

“This guy thinks he’s got it bad not knowing who I am? Think about how it must feel to be me every time I get more fan mail from local sound guys worldwide,” Winslow stated. “After all, I’m a bit of a legend in the sound guy community. They’ve even made July 26 officially Michael Winslow day, where they celebrate by watching all seven ‘Police Academy’ movies or until they get tired of them. Whichever comes first. Last year they almost made it all the way through the second one.”

At press time, Barger reportedly watched a movie with Winslow in it and quit the live music engineering altogether after coming to the conclusion that he’d never be as good as him.

Opinion: Well, I Found the Clit. Now What?

Posted on May 7, 2024 by Ben Friedman

Like the quests for the Fountain of Youth or the Holy Grail, I too have spent what feels like eons searching for something I thought was unattainable. And it is here at 2 a.m. in my girlfriend’s studio apartment I have found it! Many have said it wasn’t possible, but here I am face-to-face with the ever-elusive clitoris.

And now that I’ve found it, I have no fucking idea what to do next.

Before any of you bust my balls, I know it’s bad that it took me this long to find it. But it does say something about how nice all my exes were about pretending I knew what I was doing in bed. Not that they didn’t try to guide me to it, I just assumed the clit was like a metaphor or something that is inside all of us the whole time.

I feel like I’ve finally caught up to the venerable white whale (please don’t tell my girlfriend I called it that). And while we’re here, all these hints I’ve heard through the years about looking for the “little man in the boat” were wildly misleading. It’s more like baseball in a kayak (again, please don’t say anything to her).

Shit, I need to focus! Time is running out. I know it’s cliche to say I don’t know what to do with my hands, but I’ve already billed myself as the world’s greatest sex machine and I cannot go all in on what I now know is her labia. Is it too early to ask if she came yet?

If I could make an educated guess, based on the fact she literally guided my fingers to it, I’m supposed to rub it. Does this make sense to anyone else? I could’ve sworn this whole time it was inside of the vagina. Wait, are the clit and the g-spot two different things? Christ, I don’t have time to look for that right now.

I am not one of those guys who can’t take directions or constructive criticism, but I am at a complete loss. Fortunately, my girlfriend got a sudden headache so I probably just bought myself time to do more research. I should start now since she’s been in the bathroom for ten minutes with what I assume is a deep cleaning with her electric toothbrush.

Wish me luck!

Elton John Gets Rhinestone Contacts

Posted on May 7, 2024 by Rob Steinberg

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. — Pop legend and fashion icon Elton John has reportedly ditched his jewel encrusted eyeglasses for a more sensible pair of rhinestone contact lenses, sources confirmed while squinting from the glare coming off of them.

“Aren’t they something? Now everywhere I look, I can be dazzled by the splendor of glistening gems and jewels, without the constant taking on and off of those pesky glasses I used to wear. I think I may have them taken in to get some feathers added, as well,” said John, as his eyelids struggled to blink over the jagged mineral deposits. “I find that the added weight on my eyeballs helps me feel even more alive. I’m ‘Still Standing’ as I say, but I’ll admit, I’m not 100% sure what room I’m still standing in…or that I’m even in the right house sometimes. Ah well, who would complain about me wandering into their home, I sang on the Lion King! You should be so lucky!”

Dr. Perry Noonan, who prescribed the contacts, says that many of his celebrity clients have similar requests.

“Oh yeah, rock stars come in here all the time asking for all sorts of bizarre ocular accouterments. For starters, those Replacements fellas would stumble in here asking if they could get actual ‘beer goggles’ all the time in the late ‘80s, and always seemed to forget that I had already told them scientists would only get to inventing them after curing cancer,” said the optometrist. “Peter Gabriel is another space case, always bringing a new girlfriend in here to get their eyes checked for ‘the light, the heat,’ Honestly, when you consider all the others, Elton wanting those bedazzled contact lenses is the most sensible of the bunch. I just hope he remembers not to put them on backwards, or they could really rip his eyeballs to shreds.”

John is so frequently in need of gemstones for various aspects of his life that he has hired a personal miner.

“Heh, that’s me! The ‘rock man’ for the Rocket Man, I guess you’d say. Sure, the job don’t come with much sunlight, but the guy gave the world ‘Philadelphia Freedom,’ so I feel I owe him that, as a lifelong 76ers fan,” said professional on-call miner Durland Dunnigan, who was in fact wearing one of those hats with the lights on it. “Whenever I get down thinking about all the good men we lose down there in the twists and turns of the mines, I just think of how kind it is of Mr. John to let their families use ‘Funeral for a Friend’ royalty-free at their services, and sometimes he’ll even throw in ‘Candle in the Wind’ if it’s around the holidays. It’s a kind gesture, and I’m glad to be a part of the team.”

At press time, John was seen browsing pamphlets advertising a new, highly experimental, rhinestone LASIK procedure.

Every Issue of Alan Moore’s ”Swamp Thing” Ranked by How Likely They’ll Get a Conservative Book Ban

Posted on May 6, 2024 by Dan Rice

It’s not uncommon for a comic book title to change writers several times throughout its history, but when Alan Moore took over “Swamp Thing” in 1984 he truly made the book his own. His era is largely regarded as one of the most celebrated runs in comic book history.

Moore retroactively changed Swamp Thing’s origins. In his retcon we learn that Swampy was never a man transformed into a plant as we previously believed, but in fact an avatar of nature itself. The book began to explore themes of environmentalism, spirituality, and the psychedelic experience. So, right off the bat, a lot of red flags for conservatives.

We went ahead and ranked every issue of Moore’s Swamp Thing by how likely they’ll receive a conservative book banning campaign, and sad to say things are not looking good for our boy Swampy in the red states, which is where a lot of the good swamps are!

46. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #41 (October 1985): “Southern Change”

Hollywood actors filming an antebellum Southern drama are taken over by the racist spirits of people who died at the plantation where the film is set.

They love this one. They fucking LOVE this one.

45. Saga of the Swamp Thing #20 (January 1984): “Loose Ends”

After defeating his arch-nemesis Arcane Swampy is presumably killed by Sunderland.

An industrialist’s private army murders a creature they fear because they don’t understand it. Certainly, nothing for conservatives to complain about here.

44. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #44 (January 1986): “Bogeymen”

After breaking into his girlfriend’s house unannounced, Swamp Thing murders a Serial Killer.

Violating a woman’s boundaries and capital punishment. From a conservative standpoint, what’s not to love?

43. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #57 (February 1987): “Mysteries in Space”

Swamp Thing gets caught in a Zeta beam and tussles with Adam Strange.

If you’re not familiar with DC’s Adam Strange, he’s a guy who’s kind of a loser on Earth but a mysterious beam transports him to planet Rann where the pacifist native population depends on him to solve their problems with violence and to mate with their women. In other words, he’s a conservative folk hero, and this issue where he fights the embodiment of environmentalism is as influential to them as Ayn Rand’s “The Fountainhead.”

42. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #63 (August 1987): “Loose Ends (Reprise)”

Swamp Thing murders his enemies and reunites with Abby.

Swampy’s bloodlust here is highly relatable to Republicans.

41. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #60 (May 1987): “Loving the Alien”

Swamp Thing is forced to mate with a sentient alien spaceship.

While the title “Loving the Alien” is not a sentiment conservatives are known to embrace, a surprisingly high percentage of QAnon believers have reported being sexually assaulted on spaceships.

40. Saga of the Swamp Thing #25 (June 1984): “The Sleep of Reason”

Abby and Swamp Thing have a flirtatious swim as she tells him all about her new job working with autistic children. We find that one of the kids lost his parents after they accidentally summoned a monkey demon with an Ouija board.

As far as conservative thought leaders are concerned, that’s what you get for vaccinating your kids and messing around with the occult. This is one they want in schools.

39. Swamp Thing #59 “Reunion” (April 1987)

When she hears about a creature lurking in the swamps Abby returns to Louisiana hoping it’s Swamp Thing, but it’s just her dead dad as a Frankenstein and then he dies again.

Easier to read than the real Frankenstein so conservatives are all for putting this one in schools and banning the original.

38. Saga of the Swamp Thing #26 (July 1984): “…A Time of Running”

Swamp Thing, Abby, and Etrigan The Demon prepare to face The Monkey King at the home for autistic children. Meanwhile Matt, after arguing with Abby about her not sleeping with him, gets drunk and crashes his car.

You would think this one was on the chopping block since our heroes team up with a literal demon from hell, but for today’s far-right the part of the story that serves as a parable for what not obeying your husband can make him do trumps the satanism.

37. Saga of the Swamp Thing #28 (September 1984): “The Burial”

Still tormented by his inherited memories of being Alec Holland, Swamp Thing seeks closure by finding Alec’s body and giving it a proper burial.

To conservatives, Swamp Thing may be an unholy avatar of the earth’s plant life, essentially a pagan God, but at least he has the decency to give Alec a proper Christian burial. They’ll allow it.

36. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #40 (September 1985): “The Curse”

A woman gets her period so bad she transforms into a werewolf.

They don’t want to ban this one, but they’ll want to ban you when you don’t laugh after they quip “Sounds like MY wife!”

35. Swamp Thing Annual Vol. 2 #2 (1984): “Down Amongst the Dead Men”

Swamp Thing pushes his consciousness-shifting abilities to the limit and enters the afterlife. After a mind-bending conversation with the spirit of the man he thought he was, Swampy enlists help from Deadman, The Phantom Stranger, The Spectre, and Etrigan to find Abby’s soul and return it to her body.

Many conservatives believe this is the reason you should never remove a feeding tube. Even if a patient shows no brain activity, that doesn’t mean Swamp Thing isn’t in hell recruiting Deadman, The Phantom Stranger, The Spectre, and Etrigan to retrieve their soul after it was wrongfully sent to hell.

34. Swamp Thing #33 “Abandoned Houses” (February 1985)

In a dream Abby meets Caine and Able, who show her that through human history there have been several Swamp Things, with the beats of the story leading to his creation happening again and again. Then Caine kills Able again just for funsies.

The concept that the same stories tend to come up, again and again, is unnerving for some Christians who would rather not acknowledge previous iterations of biblical stories, as doing so questions their authenticity. Most of them can’t even read that sentence without getting a headache though, so this one is unlikely to inspire a ban.

33. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #51 (August 1986): “Home Free”

In the fallout of her scandal, Abby leaves Louisiana for Gotham City, where she is mistaken for a prostitute and arrested again. Swamp Thing comes back from hell and reads all about it in the newspaper. He’s pissed.

Again, from a conservative viewpoint, some fantastic slut shaming. If the series just ended here Alan Moore would be a right-wing hero on par with Ayn Rand and Frank Miller.

32. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #52 (September 1986): “Natural Consequences”

Swamp Thing crashes Abby’s trial in Gotham and demands her release. When he is ignored, he causes plants to overgrow and Gotham begins transforming into a jungle.

A metaphor for what conservatives believe will happen if they do not prosecute victimless crimes, they’ll allow it.

31. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #55 (December 1986): “Earth to Earth”

The people of Gotham erect a statue in Swamp Thing’s honor. A memorial is held. Abby wrestles with her grief. Lightyears away, on an unknown blue planet, Swamp Thing emerges from the soil.

Not unlike a certain long-haired carpenter you may have heard of? Come on religious right, give Swamp Thing a chance!

30. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #48 (May 1986): “A Murder of Crows”

Swamp Thing saves Constantine’s life, but in doing so fails to stop the Invuche tribe from completing a ritual that will lead to a great evil snuffing out the light of the universe. Meanwhile, Abby is arrested for indecency when photos of her kissing Swamp Thing leak to the press.

While praised for slut shaming Abby, conservatives just can’t get behind Swampy’s decision to save a hungry mouth like Constantine when the boat is clearly sinking!

29. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #47 (April 1986): “The Parliament of Trees”

Swamp Thing meets his wood elemental predecessors in The Parliament of Trees and gains a deeper understanding of his own potential. Meanwhile, a sleazy photographer takes pictures of Abby and Swamp Thing getting intimate.

Communing with woodland spirits to unlock your true power? This is Satanism 101. Next thing you know kids will be having orgies, sacrificing goats, and watching woke propaganda like “Bluey.”

28. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #45 (February 1986): “Ghost Dance”

Two couples, one person from each of which is barely hiding the fact that they’re having an affair, explore a haunted house. Turns out it is haunted, and Swamp Thing tries to save them.

Conservative men view this comic as an attempt to indoctrinate young people into cuckolding on the grounds that it makes them insanely aroused. Banned!

27. Saga of the Swamp Thing #38 (July 1985): “Still Waters”

Swampy meets Constantine in Illinois where a town is overrun with aquatic vampires.

Fish vampires in the American heartland?! Okay, GROOMER!

26. Saga of the Swamp Thing #37 (June 1985): “Growth Patterns”

Abby finds Swamp Thing growing back to life Baby Groot style. They are visited by the mysterious John Constantine, who informs Swamp Thing that he is a “wood elemental,” and is able to die and grow back anywhere in the world he chooses. He tells Swamp Thing to grow a new body in Illinois and meet him there in one week. Meanwhile, freaky demon shit happens all over the world.

In other words, the future liberals want!

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Drake Reveals That He Was Only Being Creepy To Girls For 15 Years To Bait Kendrick Into Talking About It

Posted on May 6, 2024 by Charles Bill

TORONTO — Drake shocked the world when he released a new diss track aimed at Kendrick Lamar where the Canadian rapper claims he has been purposefully acting creepy to girls for fifteen years to bait Kendrick into talking about it, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“I’ve been working on this plan since 2010 when I brought that 17-year-old on stage in Denver and did some light groping and kissing,” explained rap superstar Drake. “I had the foresight to know that I might have a rap beef over a decade later and I needed to make a fool out of my opponent with fake information. I started formulating this persona as a groomer, and then I started to pretend to be predatory towards minors. Stupid Kendrick and his fans ate it all up. I got Billie Eillish’s number from my agency and started texting her when she was 17 to start planting some seeds. I didn’t want to do it, I had to do it to make Kendrick look like an idiot. It was all just a trick and you guys fell for it.”

Members of Drake’s inner circle seem to have less confidence in the psychological warfare than Champagne Papi does.

“My job was to leak false information to Kendrick,” explained Drake entourage member Big Cheez. “I tried to show Kendrick’s camp a charity that Drake started called ‘Drake’s Kids,’ but they just misinterpreted that as Drake having a bunch of illegitimate children. Which, of course, he does, but that’s entirely beside the point. And as Drake pointed out in his diss, no rich person has ever been a pedophile and gotten away with it.”

Long-term associates of Drake have been coming out of the woodwork to support his recent assertion that he was just pretending to be a scumbag for his entire professional career.

“Drake really fooled all of you wankers,” said actress Millie Bobby Brown. “There were all these big stories of him texting me when I was 14 and he was 31. Never happened, all part of Drake’s ruse. Could you imagine a fully grown man texting a child less than half his age? Nobody is that fucked up, it was all for show. I went along with it because that bitch-ass Kendrick called ‘Stranger Things’ names like ‘derivative’ and ‘snooze-worthy’ and I knew working with Drake would take him down. Eventually.”

At press time, Drake dropped an additional bombshell that he was just joking when he ignored his son Adonis until his existence was publicly revealed.

Ornithologists Admit They Were “Super Horny” When They Named All Those Birds

Posted on May 6, 2024 by Patrick Coyne

NEW YORK — A group of admittedly “horned-up” and “desperate” ornithologists confessed that the majority of questionable bird names were direct results of their uncontrollable randiness.

“There are three main things to know about ornithologists. We have dedicated our lives to the study of birds, we’re all incredibly horny, and we are all very bad at picking up on flirting and innuendo. The majority of names we’ve invented for various feathered theropods started as failed attempts to hit on coworkers. But they took it at face value and we were too embarrassed to correct them, so the names all stuck,” explained Dr. Nicola Odling. “Great tit, funky American woodcock, rough-faced shag, red-shafted flicker, hoary puffleg. Does that really sound like a list of majestic birds, or crass nicknames and crude sexual acts?”

A previously anonymous whistleblower named Dr. Theresa Adler recently came forward to highlight the depths of the community’s debauchery.

“Ornithology has a history of sexual perversion so sick and twisted it makes those freaky melittologists look like choir boys. In fact, birdwatching originally started in 1901 after a mid-climax Sir Edmund Beswick, founding member of the Richmond Park Ornithological Society, noticed a particularly beautiful goldfinch while getting his old-timey ass munched,” said the anonymous Dr. Adler of Katy, Texas. “This also explains why a prerequisite to earning a PHD in ornithology includes successfully hosting an ‘Eyes Wide Shut’-style orgy, complete with bird masks, BDSM, and random bird trivia. Not sure how that’s still legal, but it’s tradition, I suppose.”

Historian Howard Hobbs pointed out that this phenomenon of down-bad scientists is not limited to the field of ornithology.

“Show me any major or minor scientific discovery of the last 1,000 years, and I’ll show you an act of randy desperation,” explained Hobbs. “Some, like the ‘Big Bang,’ are obvious. But others are more surprising. For instance, the legend goes that Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity after seeing an apple fall from a tree. In reality, Newton was trying to fuck the apple, but it kept slipping off his hog. And the less said about the many, many times Louis Pasteur got caught raw dogging his neighbor’s dairy cows, the better.”

At press time, ornithologists have chosen to use a recent, post-orgasm refractory period to rename the seed-eating dickcissel bird something way less suggestive.

Weird! All of this Millennial’s Opinions About Pop Culture Align With Chuck Klosterman’s

Posted on May 6, 2024 by Ben Friedman

It’s been said there are no such thing as coincidences, and that naturally occurring phenomena can be explained no matter how bizarre it may first appear. So you would have to excuse us in suspending our belief for a moment after we’ve come across one of the strangest occurrences in recent memory.

Behold, the curious case of 40-year-old Matthew Sullivan, whose opinions about western pop culture align exactly with those espoused by writer Chuck Klosterman. We hardly believed it ourselves until we sat down with him. Literally everything that came out of his mouth matches up with what could be found in any given Klosterman essay or personal story.

“I am perfectly capable of forming my own opinions! As far as anyone is concerned I alone have spent years over-philosophizing about the cultural legacy of ‘Saved by the Bell’,” said Sullivan. “Look me in the eye and tell me Motley Crue isn’t the greatest rock band of all time. Sure I haven’t listened to a single song of theirs, but I just have this nagging feeling that it’s true.”

The mind reels! Every opinion he’s formed since the early 2000’s perfectly syncs with a certain bespectacled best selling author and columnist. It’s entirely within the realm of possibility that Sullivan is a secret Klosterman clone, or perhaps that they literally grew up with the same pop culture references. That or there’s some spiritual mind meld occurring that requires the intervention of a medium.

“Why does everyone think I’m copying him? Sure, it’s possible I may have glazed over an article or two of his. And yes, it appears all of his takes on philosophy and culture resonate with me on a spiritual level like no other. But I swear I figured out that Radiohead predicted the events of 9/11 song by song on ‘Amnesiac’ at least three or four days before ‘Killing Yourself to Live’ was published.”

If we didn’t know any better, Sullivan clearly absorbed Klosterman’s entire school of thought via osmosis in the most bizarre case of parallel thinking of all time. Whether or not his musings on the Lakers, living in North Dakota, Billy Joel fandom, blaming John Cusak for setting unrealistic relationship expectations, or overusing the word ‘ANYWAY’ are creations of his own mind, it’s undeniable that he and his kindred spirit Chuck are very, very annoying.

Photo by Rich Fleischman.

New Order Fan Bummed Her Current Love Triangle Is Actually Pretty Mundane

Posted on May 6, 2024 by John Danek

MANCHESTER — New wave obsessive and romantic introvert Jana Chapman is disappointed to find herself in a love triangle that no one could possibly consider “bizarre,” embarrassed friends reported.

“I’ve asked three different people and they have confirmed my worst fear: my current love triangle is as boring and conventional as they come,” admitted a crestfallen Chapman, whose commitment to ‘80s fashion and music has caused loved ones some degree of worry. “I’m in love with my office mate, and the IT guy is very clearly into me in a big way. I thought becoming a mid-level manager would be way more erotic. This love triangle is boring as hell and hardly worth singing about over synth baselines and ancient drum machines. Fuckin’ sucks.”

Those close to Chapman recount the peculiar ways in which she is easily excited by situations similar to those described in new wave and post-punk songs.

“Last summer she was utterly obsessed with ‘The Lovecats’ by The Cure, but not because she had a summer fling, she just heard two cats loudly fighting and fucking outside her window,” recalled Paul Grant, whose ‘80s phase ended appropriately at age 20. “And don’t even get me started on her ‘Sunglasses at Night’ phase. She tumbled down the stairs four times before giving it a rest. But New Order will always be her #1. I have to block her phone every Monday just to avoid ‘blue’ puns.”

Bernard Sumner, iconic frontman of New Order and member of Joy Division, stressed the strange nature of his first love triangle which inspired the iconic track.

“I was in love with an ex-felon who mugged my mate, and she was in love with an elderly man she met at a bus stop–now that was goddamn bizarre. Of course I had to write a song about that,” said Sumner, whose recent hobbies include creating burner Reddit accounts to talk shit on Peter Hook. “But ever since that romantic struggle, the rest have been utterly mundane and not particularly inspiring. Our pool boy loves my wife, who loves me. I dare you to try to come up with catchy lyrics for that.”

As of press time, Chapman is reportedly further disheartened, as subordinates claim that in no way can her management style be described with the phrase “Power, Corruption, & Lies.”