Like the quests for the Fountain of Youth or the Holy Grail, I too have spent what feels like eons searching for something I thought was unattainable. And it is here at 2 a.m. in my girlfriend’s studio apartment I have found it! Many have said it wasn’t possible, but here I am face-to-face with the ever-elusive clitoris.
And now that I’ve found it, I have no fucking idea what to do next.
Before any of you bust my balls, I know it’s bad that it took me this long to find it. But it does say something about how nice all my exes were about pretending I knew what I was doing in bed. Not that they didn’t try to guide me to it, I just assumed the clit was like a metaphor or something that is inside all of us the whole time.
I feel like I’ve finally caught up to the venerable white whale (please don’t tell my girlfriend I called it that). And while we’re here, all these hints I’ve heard through the years about looking for the “little man in the boat” were wildly misleading. It’s more like baseball in a kayak (again, please don’t say anything to her).
Shit, I need to focus! Time is running out. I know it’s cliche to say I don’t know what to do with my hands, but I’ve already billed myself as the world’s greatest sex machine and I cannot go all in on what I now know is her labia. Is it too early to ask if she came yet?
If I could make an educated guess, based on the fact she literally guided my fingers to it, I’m supposed to rub it. Does this make sense to anyone else? I could’ve sworn this whole time it was inside of the vagina. Wait, are the clit and the g-spot two different things? Christ, I don’t have time to look for that right now.
I am not one of those guys who can’t take directions or constructive criticism, but I am at a complete loss. Fortunately, my girlfriend got a sudden headache so I probably just bought myself time to do more research. I should start now since she’s been in the bathroom for ten minutes with what I assume is a deep cleaning with her electric toothbrush.
Wish me luck!