BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. — Pop legend and fashion icon Elton John has reportedly ditched his jewel encrusted eyeglasses for a more sensible pair of rhinestone contact lenses, sources confirmed while squinting from the glare coming off of them.
“Aren’t they something? Now everywhere I look, I can be dazzled by the splendor of glistening gems and jewels, without the constant taking on and off of those pesky glasses I used to wear. I think I may have them taken in to get some feathers added, as well,” said John, as his eyelids struggled to blink over the jagged mineral deposits. “I find that the added weight on my eyeballs helps me feel even more alive. I’m ‘Still Standing’ as I say, but I’ll admit, I’m not 100% sure what room I’m still standing in…or that I’m even in the right house sometimes. Ah well, who would complain about me wandering into their home, I sang on the Lion King! You should be so lucky!”
Dr. Perry Noonan, who prescribed the contacts, says that many of his celebrity clients have similar requests.
“Oh yeah, rock stars come in here all the time asking for all sorts of bizarre ocular accouterments. For starters, those Replacements fellas would stumble in here asking if they could get actual ‘beer goggles’ all the time in the late ‘80s, and always seemed to forget that I had already told them scientists would only get to inventing them after curing cancer,” said the optometrist. “Peter Gabriel is another space case, always bringing a new girlfriend in here to get their eyes checked for ‘the light, the heat,’ Honestly, when you consider all the others, Elton wanting those bedazzled contact lenses is the most sensible of the bunch. I just hope he remembers not to put them on backwards, or they could really rip his eyeballs to shreds.”
John is so frequently in need of gemstones for various aspects of his life that he has hired a personal miner.
“Heh, that’s me! The ‘rock man’ for the Rocket Man, I guess you’d say. Sure, the job don’t come with much sunlight, but the guy gave the world ‘Philadelphia Freedom,’ so I feel I owe him that, as a lifelong 76ers fan,” said professional on-call miner Durland Dunnigan, who was in fact wearing one of those hats with the lights on it. “Whenever I get down thinking about all the good men we lose down there in the twists and turns of the mines, I just think of how kind it is of Mr. John to let their families use ‘Funeral for a Friend’ royalty-free at their services, and sometimes he’ll even throw in ‘Candle in the Wind’ if it’s around the holidays. It’s a kind gesture, and I’m glad to be a part of the team.”
At press time, John was seen browsing pamphlets advertising a new, highly experimental, rhinestone LASIK procedure.