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Israel Rejects Ceasefire After Realizing it Also Applies to Their Own Military

GAZA CITY — Members of the far-right Israeli government rejected a recent ceasefire proposal after they realized they would also be expected to stop all military actions in Palestine, confirmed multiple sources.

“At first we were very excited about the agreement. Hamas was going to quit firing missiles, lay down their guns, and release all the hostages. We figured after that we could wipe out whoever was left and call the place ‘New Israel’ or something like that,” said Israeli defense minister Yoav Gallant. “But then we were informed we would also have to stop killing people, and that simply doesn’t work for us. Our military has so many more bullets to fire, so many more bombs to drop, if we just let those sit on a shelf then the United States won’t send us any more new weapons. And we love those weapons, each delivery of artillery is like the best birthday gift a guy could ask for.”

Many Palestinians celebrated in the streets when news broke that Hamas accepted a ceasefire deal.

“I was overjoyed. I assumed our nightmare was finally over, but within hours the Israeli military had taken over the city and cut off our access to the only border crossing we have,” said Fatima Hassan, a young mother of two. “We haven’t had clean water in months, we are starving, we just want this to be over so we can live. But every time an IDF vehicle nears a hospital or sees a truck carrying aid they open fire on it and claim it was a hiding spot for Hamas leaders. Those people left a long time ago, we are here alone.”

President Biden was quick to defend Israel’s choice and pledged that America would continue to show its support.

“Listen Jack, we want a sustained peace as much as anyone. But we can’t tell Israel what to do, it’s like having a young child. If you yell at them and tell them what to do they are just going to throw a fit. The best thing we can do is remind the Israeli government that we are proud of them and love them unconditionally,” said President Biden. “Eventually we might have to show some tough love and cut off their allowance, but this is also a good place to try out some new weapons for when we eventually have to fight Russia, I probably shouldn’t have said that.”

At press time, Israeli officials are pushing for a ceasefire that would still allow the IDF to “kill a few dozen people a day just to be safe.”