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New Order Fan Bummed Her Current Love Triangle Is Actually Pretty Mundane

MANCHESTER — New wave obsessive and romantic introvert Jana Chapman is disappointed to find herself in a love triangle that no one could possibly consider “bizarre,” embarrassed friends reported.

“I’ve asked three different people and they have confirmed my worst fear: my current love triangle is as boring and conventional as they come,” admitted a crestfallen Chapman, whose commitment to ‘80s fashion and music has caused loved ones some degree of worry. “I’m in love with my office mate, and the IT guy is very clearly into me in a big way. I thought becoming a mid-level manager would be way more erotic. This love triangle is boring as hell and hardly worth singing about over synth baselines and ancient drum machines. Fuckin’ sucks.”

Those close to Chapman recount the peculiar ways in which she is easily excited by situations similar to those described in new wave and post-punk songs.

“Last summer she was utterly obsessed with ‘The Lovecats’ by The Cure, but not because she had a summer fling, she just heard two cats loudly fighting and fucking outside her window,” recalled Paul Grant, whose ‘80s phase ended appropriately at age 20. “And don’t even get me started on her ‘Sunglasses at Night’ phase. She tumbled down the stairs four times before giving it a rest. But New Order will always be her #1. I have to block her phone every Monday just to avoid ‘blue’ puns.”

Bernard Sumner, iconic frontman of New Order and member of Joy Division, stressed the strange nature of his first love triangle which inspired the iconic track.

“I was in love with an ex-felon who mugged my mate, and she was in love with an elderly man she met at a bus stop–now that was goddamn bizarre. Of course I had to write a song about that,” said Sumner, whose recent hobbies include creating burner Reddit accounts to talk shit on Peter Hook. “But ever since that romantic struggle, the rest have been utterly mundane and not particularly inspiring. Our pool boy loves my wife, who loves me. I dare you to try to come up with catchy lyrics for that.”

As of press time, Chapman is reportedly further disheartened, as subordinates claim that in no way can her management style be described with the phrase “Power, Corruption, & Lies.”