25 Great Joyce Manor Songs That I Absolutely Won’t Be Stage Diving To

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

In 2014, Barry Johnson, lead singer of Joyce Manor, asked fans to stop stage diving at their shows. Johnson was sick of seeing (mostly) larger hardcore dudes crushing (mostly) smaller, younger women and had seen enough people get hurt to begin calling out stage divers. He wasn’t the first to discourage this type of behavior at shows (Fugazi would occasionally bring moshers on stage to apologize to the crowd) but Joyce Manor’s stance ignited a whole precious punk controversy with one side arguing “[caveman voice] Me want stage dive” and the other saying, “I just want to see my favorite band and not get hurt by a guy stage diving feet first into my head and neck.”

Anyway, here are 25 great Joyce Manor songs, in no particular order, that I absolutely won’t be stage diving to.

25. “Christmas Card”

The opening track of Never Hungover Again and a certifiable bop, “Christmas Card” reminds me of the holiday season and Santa Claus. If there is one person who hates stage diving more than Barry Johnson, it’s Santa. If he catches you stage diving (and he will), you’ll be permanently added to the naughty list and never get that Jeff Rosenstock record you wanted.

24. “Constant Headache”

If you know a Joyce Manor song, it’s probably this one. The verse and the chorus of “Constant Headache” use the same three chords. This simplicity makes for a great song and also allows Barry to dedicate more cognitive capacity to scanning the crowd for potential stage dive bogeys. No way I’m going to stage dive when I know the singer of the band is watching extra closely. I don’t want to get yelled at.

23. “NBTSA”

A lot of people think the second song off Joyce Manor’s most recent record, 40 oz. to Fresno, stands for “Never Be The Same Again.” You’re wrong though. It stands for “Never Be The Stage Diving Asshole.” Fine. I won’t.

22. “Big Lie”

“Big Lie” is a very good song off 2018’s Million Dollars to Kill Me. It’s so good that when I listen to it I forget to breathe. How am I supposed to summon the will to stage dive if my brain and respiratory system aren’t even communicating with one another? I should probably see a doctor.

21. “Beach Community”

I’m sorry but I might actually have to stage dive to this one. Ban me from all future shows if you have to.

20. “Catalina Fight Song”

The penultimate track on Never Hungover Again, “Catalina Fight Song” begins with the lyrics, “Suckin’ titties by the ocean.” Wait…it doesn’t? The lyrics are actually “sunken city by the ocean”? Fuck. I was so confused that I forgot to stage dive. Oops.

19. “If I Needed You There”

I’m sorry but I might actually have to stage dive to this one too. Who could possibly stop me?

18. “Do You Really Want To Not Get Better?”

This song is too short and it sounds like it’s about something sad. For those reasons, I will be refraining from stage diving. Thank you.

17. “Chumped”

This track, originally off an early demo and then rereleased on Songs From Northern Torrance, fucking rips. That being said, on my “salty, stoned nights,” I’ll be at home diving into a bag of Trader Joe’s Almonds, Chocolate, and Cashews Trail Mix instead of diving into a crowd at a Joyce Manor show.

16. “The Jerk”

You might think this song off Never Hungover Again is referencing the 1979 Steve Martin movie, The Jerk. But what if you, dear stage diver, were the Jerk being referenced all along? Hmmm? Bet you never thought of it that way.

15. “Last You Heard of Me”

In this very good song off Cody, the narrator is at a karaoke bar. The last time I was at a karaoke bar I drank too much, sang “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School,” got kicked out for trying to stage dive off a small table, and was arrested for public urination. Hearing this song brings to mind painful memories of that night so I can’t stage dive to it.

14. “Friends We Met Online”

I spent A LOT of time on r/emo in 2014 fighting over whether or not Joyce Manor’s stage diving stance was “punk” or “not punk.” Some of these Redditors became good internet friends and some became worse internet enemies. In honor of these friendships and rivalries, and in the spirit of a stage diving “third way,” I will be neither stage diving nor not stage diving to this song.

13. “Fake I.D.”

The lead track off 2016’s Cody, “Fake I.D.” might also be one of the best songs on this album (and it’s a really good album). Unfortunately, the lyrics in this song assert that Kanye West is “great,” “the best,” “better than John Steinbeck,” and also “better than Phil Hartman.” Since this song was written, Mr. West has said a lot of bad things. Bad, bad things. I wouldn’t stage dive to this song because it’d feel weird and bad. Also, according to Setlist.fm, it doesn’t seem like Joyce Manor plays this song anymore and that’s probably because of all the bad things.

Maybe Ye will redeem himself sometime in the future and I can not stage dive to this song for my usual reason: fear of being humiliated by Barry Johnson.

12. “Leather Jacket”

Another classic Joyce Manor song from their 2013 self-titled album, “Leather Jacket” details how the titular item of clothing changed a person and then a relationship. I bought a leather jacket once because I thought I could pull it off. My co-workers at Dick’s Sporting Goods laughed at me and I was humiliated. Stage diving to this song would force me to relive the sting of that degradation so I’ll just hang out in the back and scream the lyrics with everyone else.

11. “Call Out”

It’s right in the title. If you stage dive, you’re going to get called out by Barry. I don’t want that to happen to me.

10. “I’m Always Tired”

A recent study from Oxford University found that the number one reason stage divers don’t stage dive is sleepiness. It’s a real study and definitely not made up. The narrator of “I’m Always Tired” off Joyce Manor’s sophomore release, Of All Things I Will Soon Grow Tired, might not be referring to stage diving but he could be!

9. “Think I’m Still In Love With You”

I don’t stage dive to this song because I pogo to this song.

8. “You’re Not Famous Anymore”

This track reminds me too much of my past life as a child actor: the long days on set, the pain of lost childhood, being thrown into an inconsolable rage because someone put the wrong type of M&M’s in my dressing room. The weight of it all bears down on me so heavily I can barely move, never mind stage dive. Good song though.

7. “Orange Julius”

When I was five my mom took me to Orange Julius and then we went to the park. While on the merry-go-round, I puked it all up. Now whenever I even think of Orange Julius, I puke. If I’m at a Joyce Manor show, I need to put my fingers in my ears when they play this song otherwise I’ll get sick on everyone in my immediate vicinity. So yeah…no stage diving.

6. “Eighteen”

In the state in which I reside, it is illegal to stage dive if you’re over 18. State Code 17432.1, Section B reads: “No person over the age of 18 shall stage dive at public events where live music is being played. Those in violation of this law shall face penalties not to exceed $200.” It’s a real law and definitely not made up.

Normally, I’m all like “Fuck the government and authority bro. I’m going to stage dive if I want.” However, this song makes me very self-conscious and nervous that I’m going to get a ticket. I can’t afford a $200 stage dive ticket right now because all my liquid assets are tied up in NFTs.

5. “House Warning Party”

This song has an acoustic guitar in it and no one has ever stage dived to a song with an acoustic guitar in it. That’s just a fact. Maybe you can be the first?

4. “Heart Tattoo”

Let’s entertain a few purely hypothetical questions that have no relation to my lived experience AT ALL:

When you were young and dumb, did you ever get a tattoo for a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Was it a heart tattoo with a ribbon bearing their name?
Did you get it after only one date at the Cheesecake Factory?
When they saw what you had done, did they immediately break up with you?

I bet if you answered “yes” to all those questions, it might be hard to stage dive to this song. I definitely wouldn’t know though because none of those things has ever happened to me.

3. “See How Tame I Can Be?”

I can be a tame, good boy. I can nicely listen to the band play and not have a sudden urge to push my body through tens of strangers in an effort to climb onto a stage and jump on those very same strangers. I can be nice and not cause too much trouble.

2. “Silly Games”

Dude, there is no way I’m pitting or stage diving to a song with a glockenspiel in it. I’ve got a rep (as an insufferable and obnoxious person) to protect!

1. “Constant Nothing”

This version of “Constant Nothing,” from Songs From Northern Torrance, was originally on the Constant Headache EP and then re-recorded for S/T. When Joyce Manor plays this song, it would make sense that they’re playing the re-recorded version, right? If so, it would be impossible to stage dive to the original “Constant Nothing.” Really makes you think.

Photo by Karen Seifert.

13 Couples Costumes To Show off the Strange Power Dynamic in Your Relationship

Posted on by Malia Simon

For most of the year with the exception of one special day, you and your partner’s upsetting sexual kink remains a mystery to the onlooking world. That’s right—we’re talking about Halloween, the one day you and your lover finally get to announce to strangers which one of you respects the other more, and how much that turns you on. Here are 13 couples costumes that will—-if there was any doubt before—make the imbalance of power in your relationship crystal clear.

Teacher and StudentWith this statutory classic, you and your partner take a flirty spin on student-teacher affairs and hint that while you are both of age, that is a mere coincidence in this relationship.

Hefner and Playboy BunnyNothing says “I know exactly how much mayonnaise he takes on his sandwich” like a pair of hot pink bunny ears. This adorable sex boss and sex object costume will show party-goers that he has a very high opinion of himself, and that your relationship is predicated on both of you maintaining that fantasy.

Doctor and Nurse

This sexy career ensemble will show everyone that one of you gets paid more even in your pretend jobs! As an added bonus, he gets to hold a clipboard while you get to hold your pain and resentment deep inside until it bubbles over one day years later and he acts totally blindsided to it.

Cruella and DalmatianIt’s not always the man who holds a weird and sexually charged position of power! The power dynamic in this relationship is slightly different, in case anybody was wondering. Dress him up in a dog collar that you totally owned prior to Halloween, and hint with an egregious lack of subtlety that he has a thing for mean ladies and being called a loser.

Stanley Cup and Hockey PlayerNothing illuminates mutual respect like dressing up as an inanimate object that rests motionless on his shoulder.

Boo and SullyNow we’re talking—you get to live out your dream of dressing up like an adult baby and pretend this was a last-minute choice.

Superman and Lois LaneDress up as Superman and his girl-next-door sidekick and announce to the world: “I am here strictly for the purpose of his character development. Also, he made me watch this movie six times.”

Barbie and KenThis one is for the boyfriends that were introduced to feminism against their will this year and now somehow know how to take a Boomerang.

MGK and Megan FoxHonestly, we are not even sure if one of you holds the power here or if neither of you is free from the shackles of this relationship. Either way, dressing up as this sexy duo will show everyone that you two are “twin flames,” and also that you are both off your medication.

Preist and NunInstead of trying to reinvent the wheel, why not go with the power imbalances inherent to the church? Women cannot ascend the higher ranks of the church, nor can they assert any real influence on this particular partnership.

Artist and Landscape PaintingSomebody thought this was a good idea, and we have a feeling it was not the person wearing a pillowcase with a face hole.

Adult HandcuffsWhy not just an on-the-nose depiction of how you feel about being with each other?

“She’s My Trick, He’s My Treat”

These matching Halloween tees will show your party-going friends that although neither of you could think of a real costume this year, you still found it absolutely necessary to emphasize the stifling degree of possessiveness between you.

Guy Not Actually Wearing GG Allin Costume, Just Having Really, Really Rough Halloween

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

GLENDALE, Calif. — A local man who was at first believed to be dressed in an impeccable GG Allin costume was later revealed to simply be having an especially ill-fated and unlucky Halloween night, astonished sources holding their noses confirmed.

“They think I’m wearing a costume? I didn’t even get a chance to put mine on! I was beaten senseless on my commute home from work, dragged into the bushes, shaved from head to toe, smeared with excrement, which I’m pretty sure somehow is my own?” sputtered a beleaguered Huckle Kirkland, slurring his words due to having his teeth knocked out. “Then, I came to in the middle of running from the police while wearing nothing but a heavily, and I mean HEAVILY, used jockstrap. I was supposed to be dressed as Wallace from ‘Wallace and Gromit.’ Now dogs only come near me because I smell like old beef stew.”

Acquaintances of Kirkland reportedly did not know that he had no intention of dressing like the deceased rock provocateur.

“I mean, I was floored by the attention to detail that went into that GG get-up. We’re talking down to the smell! He kept screaming ‘My life is fucked! My life is soooooo extremely fucked!’ and we were all just applauding his commitment and authenticity. It was like watching ‘Hated’ all over again!” said neighbor Claudette Jerricault, who attended a party Kirkland stumbled into in a daze. “Not sure what he meant when he continued ‘I have to work a shift at the bank tomorrow, my boss is gonna be so pissed’ but that was the thing about GG, y’know? You never knew what he was going to do next.”

Representatives from the Allin family trust are apparently less enthusiastic about the perceived costume, and are threatening legal action.

“All we’re saying is, we wish Mr. Kirkland would have worn one of our officially licensed GG Allin costumes that we started offering in our online store this year. GG may have been the god’s vessel for pure rock ‘n roll, but make no mistake: there’s nothing punk rock about copyright infringement,” said Rutherford Hamilton Allin, distant cousin of GG, from his Burbank penthouse. “But, sadly, it doesn’t stop there. We’re losing so much money competing with the cheap Spirit Halloween store ‘Scumfuc Gross Man Singer’ knock-off versions that have been flying off their shelves. I know my cousin was primarily known for his other bodily fluids, but this would have certainly brought a sorrowful tear to his eye.”

As the night came to a close, the other partygoers ​​started to realize it wasn’t a GG Allin costume when they accidentally saw Kirkland’s penis and it was not absurdly tiny.

Movie Monster Wishes It Was Metaphor For “Being Super Rich And Sexy” Instead Of “Grief”

Posted on by Jonah Nink

ADELAIDE, Australia — Iconic movie monster the Babadook was recently seen chain-smoking in a Hungry Jack’s parking lot after learning it was a metaphor for “grief” and not “manic sexy trillionaire awesomeness” like it had hoped, entertainment sources reported.

“I’ve got badass claws, a cool top hat and scuttle around ceilings like a weird bug, and apparently, somehow that means ‘grief,’” said the Babadook. “My calling card is a spooky pop-up book and I wear old-timey clothes, so I assumed I was the ghost of a big-dick publishing magnate from the 1850s. But no, I guess I represent trauma, which just doesn’t feel right. I eat gross worms. When I want to scare someone I fly around and yell my name over and over in a creepy low voice. Why would a monster as fun and cool as I am represent something so depressing? I repeat; I’m wearing a top hat!”

Director and screenwriter Jennifer Kent said that despite the film’s 2014 release, she only recently told the Babadook what it represented. 

“He was just having so much fun, being a gay icon and all that, and I didn’t want to ruin it,” Kent said. “We’d be on set filming and it would say stuff like ‘wow, it’s so great that you wrote a movie about a monster who likes to party and can afford cool clothes.’ I mean, frankly, I just couldn’t bear to say ‘actually, you are a metaphor for how the single-mother protagonist’s trauma manifests as an unspoken resentment towards her son.’ But I had to rip off the band-aid, it’s been a decade after all. Now I’m paying for it and the Babadook won’t return any of my calls.”

The Thing from the eponymous 1982 John Carpenter flick has experienced this kind of disappointment before.

“Babadook called me sounding pretty upset, and I said ‘dude, I’ve been there.’ It took me until 1989 to realize I represented how easily rational people can turn on each other,” reported The Thing. “It’s hard; one moment you’re a guy whose stomach turns into a big mouth, only to be the subject of an overwritten college film studies essay the next. It’s not fun to hear, but, like I tell my husband, Tobey, you can’t let your screenwriter’s themes define you. I can still grow eyestalks and crab legs out of a guy’s head, or combine a bunch of dogs into a bloody pile of writhing flesh whenever I want, and that makes me happy.”

At press tiem, The Thing and The Babadook have launched a self-help podcast for “kick-ass movie monsters who are more than their metaphors.”



This Day In Music History October 29th

Posted on by Tim Graham

If you don’t know your music history you are doomed to repeat your music history. Here are all the key events that happened on this day October 29th.

1846: Youth Arrested For Piracy After Transcribing Sheet Music Of Popular Song

“Transcription is killing the music industry,” said an indignant music publisher. “You wouldn’t transcribe a horse-drawn carriage, would you?”

 

1980: Alvin and The Chipmunks Abruptly End Punk Phase

The short-lived departure from the novelty band’s pop style drew to a close when fourth Chipmunk “Scuz” died from an overdose while on tour in Stockholm.

 

1983: Slash Adopts His Iconic Nickname

Future Guns N’ Roses guitarist Saul Hudson filled a notebook with possible stage names including Slit, Gash and Slice before finally arriving at his now-famous sobriquet.

 

1989: Jandek Dropped From Major Label Hours After Being Signed

The reclusive musician was immediately let go after an initial meeting during which his only contribution was a long, graphic story about watching two stray dogs copulate on his lawn.

 

1991: Carcass Frontman Performs Appendectomy On Self

“Looks like studying all those medical textbooks for lyrical inspiration ended up saving my life,” said Jeff Walker, who had fallen ill during a solo hike.

 

1994: Mayhem Post Ad Seeking New Guitarist

The ad, which assured prospective members there had been no murders or suicides within the band for nearly a year, asked that applicants have “pro gear and be drama-free.”

 

1997: Embarrassed Man Shows Up to Barenaked Ladies Concert With Pockets Full of Dollar Bills

“I thought it was a different kind of show,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous. “I stuck around till the end thinking maybe they were just openers for some actual naked ladies, but no dice.”

 

1998: Labels Pressure Bands to Come Up With Songs Similar to Semisonic’s Hit “Closing Time”

“Why not a song about opening up a 7-11 in the morning?” suggested a Geffen Records executive. “Or how about a catchy number about the Spanish siesta, where they close for a little while in the afternoon and then open back up again?”

2002: Frank Black and The Catholics Transfer Problematic Drummer To Another Band

The ex-Pixies frontman was accused of taking a page from the Boston Archdiocese when it came to dealing with “bad apples” within his organization.

 

2011: Lou Reed Blames Recording of “Lulu” on Brief Period of Sobriety

“I was out of my mind sober when we made that fuckin’ record” said Reed. “I just hope I live long enough to record another album all fucked up like usual so I can redeem myself.”

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week To Make Our Spotify Wrapped Look Cooler This Year

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

There is nothing scarier than having bad taste in music. This is why your friends faint and go into convulsions every time you’re in charge of the aux cord. You’ve probably been thinking that they were just so excited to hear ‘Dopesmoker’ for the hundredth time that their nervous systems just couldn’t handle the rush of serotonin and dopamine, but you’ve never been known for your pattern recognition skills. Because we hate to see your friends writhe on the floor of your house as you alert them to every ‘sick drum fill’ that’s coming up, we’ve compiled a list of some newer tracks to try. It’s imperative that you do it for the sake of all involved.

Green Day “The American Dream Is Killing Me”

Green Day announced their 14th studio album “Saviors”, their first since 2020’s failed pop-rock experiment “Father of All Motherfuckers.” The new record finds the band working with producer Rob Cavallo for the first time since 2012 and hopes to harken back to previous stylings of the group’s signature sound. Lead single, “The American Dream Is Killing Me,” refreshingly sounds like it was plucked from the B-Sides of an early aughts session before everything started going terribly wrong for all of us.

Ghoul Lewis & The Boos “Gravedigger’s Ball”

Halloween is just around the corner, and if you’re trying to wrap up a playlist that will really carry your depressing Tuesday Night Halloween party all the way through until 9 p.m. when everyone remembers they have to work the next day, look no further than Nova Scotia’s most depraved video store employee Ghoul Lewis. Backed by a macabre band of various spooky musicians known simply as ‘The Boos,’ Lewis is making party jams for the undead, and you’re invited. “Gravedigger’s Ball” is a haunted blast that will surely get your shindig going hard until maybe even 9:30 p.m.

Teenage Halloween “Getting Bitter”

New Jersey’s Teenage Halloween have been making a steadily larger name for themselves since their eponymous debut album was released in 2020. Their second LP, “Till You Return,” dropped last week and carries on the band’s penchant for intense vulnerability wrapped in short and extremely satisfying power-punk compositions. Album standout “Getting Bitter” details a plea to a subject who has lost sight of themselves. Its earnest and brutally honest pieces of advice are delivered in an incredibly cathartic sing-along chorus, which brings to mind an old adage that says “when your friend is starting to become an asshole, just write an extremely catchy song about them and hope it works out.”

Private Mind “Disconnect”

Long Island’s Private Mind just released their second EP “The Truth You See” and it is a near-perfect start-to-finish firestarter of a release. Notable highlight ‘Disconnect’ packs nearly every facet of the past decade of melodic hardcore into a highly digestible bite-sized three-minute barnburner. By the time the breakdown hits, you’ll be begging for seconds and possibly even thirds. For fans of ‘90’s inspired album art and ignorantly saying there hasn’t been a good hardcore band since 2003.

Glitterer “Plastic”

Title Fight will likely never get back together no matter how often you bitch about them on the internet. Fortunately Ned Russin’s solo-project-turned-full-band Glitterer is releasing a new album, “Rationale.” While Russin recorded nearly all of the instrumentation on Glitterer’s previous releases, building songs atop loops and synth grooved, he has now welcomed three full time band members into the fold. The resulting lead single “Plastic” brings a ferocity not previously heard in his work. It’s a chugging and heavy sound that will hopefully get insufferable thirty-somethings across the world to shut the fuck up about a Title Fight reunion for at least a little bit.

Sunn O))) “Evil Chuck”

Just in time to soundtrack your poor excuse for a ‘haunted house,’ Sunn O))) has dropped two new tracks. ‘Evil Chuck’ and ‘Ron G. Warrior.’ We’d put both on the playlist, but you kind of get the picture with just the one. Released as part of Sub Pop’s long running and revered ‘Singles Series,’ both tracks are practically preview-length versions of their typically interminable ambient drones. To celebrate the release, one of our writers came to work in a black robe, set a bass down on the floor, plucked all the strings at once and let it feedback for eight hours straight while live-streaming the entire event in the hopes of becoming the newest member of Sunn O))). Though we haven’t seen him since, we’re pretty sure it didn’t work.

Home Front “Jupiter”

Canada’s Home Front recently put out one of our staff’s favorite albums of the year so far. It’s not hard to understand why. Their sprawling style runs the gamut of synthpop, industrial, dance punk, and despite all odds, a little bit of hardcore to boot. Simply put, their debut album ‘Games of Power’ has something for nearly everyone. To say we were thrilled to learn that the group had released two new tracks – as well as a remix of ‘Games of Power’ standout, ‘Nation’ – would be an understatement. If you’re new to the band, which of course you are, you tasteless nerd, “Jupiter” is an excellent place to start. Its brooding arrangement neatly packages every aspect of the group’s chaotic leanings into the perfect primer.

Jhariah/Pinkshift “Eat Your Friends”

The future is here and it’s Jhariah. The Brooklyn-based artist has been championing and pushing the boundaries of theatrical emo-core since their first single dropped in 2017. The sound is pretty hard to place, blurring lines between early aughts emo legends like My Chemical Romance and nu-metal influences such as System of a Down. Their latest single “Eat Your Friends’ tags in fellow wall-breaking contemporaries Pinkshift (who are also the future) for a dramatic and chaotic arrangement that never ceases to let up in its intensity. The lyrics take aim at the highly competitive nature of the music industry, while the track’s driving Blood Brothers-esque vocals and dizzying guitars seem intent on destroying it altogether. Kind of like what you thought your failed hyperpop project was doing before you gave it up entirely.

Did you know that these songs are included on an official Hard Times playlist? Did you also know that there are like… a fuckton of other songs on it too? Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you have a finger on the pulse of modern alternative music.

We Asked Billy Corgan to Rank These Pumpkin Flavored Drinks and He Told Us to Go Fuck Ourselves

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

With October nearly in the books, we decided to take a look at some of the newer variety of pumpkin flavored beverages offered up this autumn. And we thought it’d be fun to do it with the most famous pumpkin of them all, Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins.

Or so we thought.

When we surprised Corgan with our taste test at the start of the interview he just got really quiet and made a face. He chuckled and asked if this was a prank. Far from it, we told him, we thought our readers would get a kick out of it.

He told us to go fuck ourselves.

We know as well as anyone that Corgan can be a bit of a curmudgeon, but we thought he had a little bit of a sense of humor. He was on “The Simpsons” after all. But, no, we were wrong in that assumption as his frequent eye-rolling and head shaking are an indication that he’s preparing to scald us with some of the piping hot pumpkin flavored drinks we presented to him.

Also he’s still here.

He said we booked him for three hours to do this profile and he’s not leaving until it’s done. He’s just sitting there, drinking the pumpkin flavored tea we wanted him to rate. When we asked him how he liked it he gave us the finger and went back to looking at pictures of his cat on his phone.

He’s actually been drinking a lot of the pumpkin stuff we have out. He said if he’s going to be stuck here all afternoon, he’s going to need to get something in his system. We pointed out that he was halfway there with our original idea, but he told us it was the principle of not “playing our stupid fucking game” as he put it.

He mentioned the Faygo Pumpkin Soda tasted like shit, but he said if we printed that he’d have his lawyers tear us a new asshole. Telling him to relax a bit didn’t go well. He got really in one of our intern’s face, screaming something about integrity. When we asked him to sit down, he threw a chair across the room and just stood there with his arms crossed and stared at the floor for a weirdly long amount of time. It got really uncomfortable.

Hopefully the surprise appearance from Stephen Malkmus will lighten things up a little.

Skeleton Shortage Forces Home Depot To Start Killing 12-Foot-Tall People

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

ATLANTA — The popularity of Home Depot’s “12-Foot-Tall Skeleton” reached a fever pitch this year, and employees of the megastore chain were instructed to start murdering all all twelve feet tall people they see in order to harvest their bones, sources confirmed.

“We were faced with an economic crisis: the cost of the plastic and materials to make the 12-foot tall Skeleton just wasn’t viable,” said Ted Decker, president and CEO of The Home Depot. “After weeks of researching, we came to the conclusion that just straight up killing people and using their skeletons would be monumentally cheaper, and fall into line with our corporate values of putting money over innocent souls. Our biggest hurdle is finding anyone tall enough to qualify, so we’ve resorted to murdering anyone we deem to have ‘thick bones’ and we will assemble the pieces out back to make it work.”

This new policy does not just pertain to the 12-foot skeletons, but going forward every skeleton that Home Depot stocks will be obtained by humanely slaughtering anyone they can get their hands on.

“Most people decorating for Halloween love to go over the top with the giant skeletons and now have a surplus of the smaller skeletons. We have more bones than we know what to do with. Half my day is spent fending off coyotes trying to steal our inventory,” said Lou Peterson, a 20-year Home Depot employee and store manager. “But it’s also because with this new policy, the smaller, child-sized skeletons are much easier to obtain than their older, stronger skeleton counterparts if you catch my drift.”

“…My drift is that killing children is easy,” Peterson added after a brief pause.

Recent statistics show violent crime is up by a drastic rate anywhere within five miles of a Home Depot.

“When Home Depot decided to start killing people for skeletons, we realized we would need to do the same if we wanted to stay in business,” said Jack Willoughby, owner of ‘Jack’s Skeleton Emporium’. “I’m pretty sure that what I’ve done to keep the store stocked can be classified as a war crime. I can’t sleep at night without being haunted by the skeletons I’ve stocked, but at least every middle-class quirky adult can now proudly spend $300 on a lawn ornament their neighbors already have.”

Due to the increased supply and demand during this Halloween season, Home Depot announced an expanded line of novelty skeletons including dogs, cats, rabbits, and recently deceased loved ones.

Israeli Defense Minister Defends Decision to Bomb Civilians by Claiming Hamas Leaders Were Hiding Inside Local Children

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GAZA CITY — Israel’s Defense Minister Yoav Gallant defended the continued bombing of Palestinian civilians by asserting Hamas leaders are hiding inside the local children, United States intelligence confirmed.

“It is our firm belief that the intricate tunnel systems Hamas used to launch a surprise attack on Israel run through most of the children in Gaza. And we know the Hamas leaders are currently hiding inside children as young as nine months old,” said Gallant. “We will continue our targeted attacks to flush out Hamas and bring them to justice. We will bomb every ‘safe evacuation route,’ refugee camp, and hospital in order to get it done. Also, any so-called humanitarian aid sent to feed these children will be considered an act of war against Israel and its number one ally and supporter the United States.”

Palestinian journalist Emad Saleh says the current assault on Gaza is the most devastating yet.

“There is nothing left. Buildings are flattened, there is no way to communicate with the outside world, and all food and water are being diverted away. Everyone here is being exterminated,” said Saleh. “We’ve tried to ask for help, but the world doesn’t care. People are trying to evacuate, but the roads out of the city are being blockaded and bombed. I’m not sure if the IDF has succeeded in killing any Hamas militants, but they are doing a great job taking out women and children.”

Comedian Amy Schumer continues to vocally support Israel’s attempt at genocide.

“So many people are saying Israel is bombing Gaza without doing their own research. From what I’ve seen it looks like Hamas built those fighter jets and tanks themselves and are bombing their own people,” said Schumer. “I think we can all agree we want this conflict to end as soon as possible, but the best case scenario would be a peaceful end that includes the West Bank being blown off the map. I’m just glad my tax dollars are finally going towards a righteous cause and I urge Joe Biden to send more weapons to Israel.”

At press time, Israeli officials admitted that they have not found any Hamas militants inside of any blown up children yet, but will keep trying.

The Definitive Timeline of Events for Every Halloween Pub Crawl

Posted on by James Knapp

Halloween: just one of many holidays that, upon reaching adulthood, is little more than an excuse to get absolutely shitfuck wasted without being judged as an alcoholic. But with this one, you also get to be reprehensibly sloshed while dressed as sexy Raggedy Ann and having eaten nothing all day but fun-size bags of Sour Patch Kids. As such, the Halloween pub crawl has become a vomit-slathered institution of the season, and we here at the Hard Times have broken down exactly how every spooktastic bar-hopping adventure turns out. Here is our definitive timeline of every Halloween pub crawl.

5:00 p.m.: The crawl begins

Well, this is only when the crawl begins in a technical sense. It’s the time that was used for the Facebook invite to have everyone meet up at your one responsible friend’s house before setting off to your first watering hole of the evening. Unfortunately, all your other friends are deluded assholes with no concept of time. Eventually you’re gonna just send anyone not there a passive-aggressive text and be on your way.

5:58 p.m.: Arrive at first location

This is your old familiar. Your neighborhood clubhouse. Where everybody knows your name and only three of them hate you. Naturally, you’re going to start the crawl here before you start progressively ruining your life over the course of the night.

6:06 p.m.: First round of Jager Bombs

They taste the way dropping out of community college feels.

7:23 p.m.: Everyone you invited from work leaves

You only invited them out of obligation and you can tell they didn’t want to be there to begin with. Frank from accounting said his costume was “man wearing shirt” and Phyliss, the elderly receptionist, very truly believes this is a celebration of witchcraft. So long, party poopers! It’s time for things to get weird.

7:52 p.m.: Arrive at second location

This is usually an upper-scale Irish pub kinda place that put in near-zero effort to decorate for Halloween but is still gonna charge $11 for a pint of Guinness because it’s “an event night.”

8:20 p.m.: Second round of Jager Bombs

When you look back on this evening tomorrow, in between intermittent bouts of vomiting while still wearing your knockoff Beetlejuice costume, you will likely see this as the high point of the night. Let that sad fact sink in for a minute.

8:45 p.m.: Friend with shittiest music taste decides to take over the jukebox

This is unavoidable even on non-Halloween bar nights. So partly for your own self-preservation, and also to teach your friend a lesson about staying in their lane, wait until they’ve queued up fifty bucks worth of “Monster Mash” and haunted house sound effects before ditching them and heading on to your next bar.

9:19 p.m.: Arrive at third location

This is the party bar. You won’t be able to hear a word anyone says to you over the shitty EDM that’s going to be blaring and the candy bowl on the bar is just a temporary replacement for their usual bowl of novelty condoms. You’ve made a huge mistake.

9:46 p.m.: Third round of Jager Bombs

It’s at this point that the cohesion of the crawl will rapidly begin to deteriorate. Pieces of costumes will be accidentally discarded. Weaker members of the group will begin to “Irish goodbye” into the night. And your bartenders’ attitude will shift from tolerant amusement to stoic confrontationalism. This is the beginning of the end.

10:01 p.m.: Some guy dressed as Joker hits on everyone’s girlfriend

He definitely wasn’t there when the crawl started and no one can really pin down exactly how it is you know him. But the way he’s wringing his hands together suggestively while staring literally at all of the breasts indicates he truly does wanna watch the world burn.

10:22 p.m.: Cocaine!!!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah!!!

11:49 p.m.: Arrive at fourth location

This place was not on the agenda. But someone at the last bar said it sounded cool and every member of your crawl is hammered beyond giving a fuck.

12:27 a.m.: Fistfight with competing Halloween-themed bar crawl

They’re definitely tougher than you. And they had the forethought to coordinate a group costume, so it’s gonna look like you’re fighting one of those gangs from “The Warriors.” But you’re already all full of Jager and blow and the pride of the crawl is at stake. Swing away you drunken goons!

1:18 a.m.: Derek gets arrested

Sigh. There’s always a Derek.

1:58 a.m.: Arrive at fifth location

You aren’t even sure if this one is an actual bar – it might just be some guy’s yard. If it is a bar though, you’re gonna walk in two minutes before close and get denied service. Unless this is a 4 a.m. bar, in which case the bartender is immediately going to see what a drunken gaggle of half-costumed jerkasses you are, lie to you that it’s actually a 2 a.m. bar and deny you service anyway.

2:09 a.m.: Pass out in UberXL

When you wake up tomorrow afternoon, be sure to tip this driver very well – because they’re the one who dragged you inside your apartment even after you tried to pee in their cupholder. Hope you enjoyed the crawl! Only 54 more days until you get to do this again on Christmas!