How To Hit on the Cute Barista by Ordering Your Coffee Like Normal and Leaving

Posted on by Malia Simon

So the person making your coffee is attractive, and you’re thinking now might be the perfect time to take advantage of the fact that they are required to talk to you and slip them your number. This seems like a great idea—in fact, the only thing more charming than doing this would be just ordering your coffee like a normal person and then leaving. We know this can be hard to nail down, so here’s a guide for how to most effectively hit on the cute barista by not.

1. Order something
Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but we’ve always said the best part about going to a place of business is not the potential sexual conquest, but the fact that you get to order something. Look at all the options— coffee, bagels, pastries. Anything is on the table except for “your number” or “What do YOU think I should order?” It’s also a little known fact that baristas absolutely fall in love with people who just fucking put in an order.

2. Wait for the thing you ordered
Now that your order is in, wait for the barista to prepare it. We know that them making the coffee behind the counter might seem like an invitation for you to ask them how long they’ve been working here or what their favorite “type of coffee” is, but the better move would be to say nothing at all. Remember, everyone loves a mystery— and what could be more mysterious than actually not being a sexual opportunist?

3. Leave
This might be the hardest part of the task, but it is the only final step before you’re finished—your job now is to leave. That’s right. Exit. Remove yourself from the premises. Your relationship with the barista is over until 24 hours from now when you’ll walk yourself through this all again. Yes, you left a tip on the iPad, which might seem like it puts the ball in their court to offer you sexual favors. But if you’re looking to pay for sex there are plenty of other places you can go than the Blue Bottle on your corner.

We hope this guide was helpful. The next time you’re thinking of how to make your move on the cute barista, remember that it is possible to actually just exchange money for goods and services.

Man Spends 45 Minutes Picking T-Shirt to Wear Under Flannel

Posted on by Rob Ryder

WASHINGTON — Local indecisive man Ed Treston spent 45 minutes on Friday night selecting a t-shirt that will never be seen once covered by his favorite flannel shirt, sources who waited patiently in the corner of the room confirmed.

“It’s really become quite a process these days. I have two dressers, most of which are filled with t-shirts. I try on at least a dozen before going with one that I will ultimately second guess all night,” Treston said while shirtless. “It’s a real tricky one tonight, the club I’m heading to is pretty hardcore so it’s not just about picking the right undershirt, it’s about picking an ethos. The gatekeepers don’t fuck around at this place, and they will ask you for album details in a second. I don’t even know how they can tell I’m wearing a band shirt while only seeing 5% to 15% of the entire thing. It’s impressive.”

Treston’s girlfriend, Veronica Grey, is all too familiar with this ritual.

“Every time we go out it’s the same thing. He puts on an episode of ‘The Sopranos,’ gets a tumbler of whiskey, and just stands there staring at his drawer as if it’s a life or death decision. If I’m lucky, 30 minutes in he’s narrowed it down to about 25 shirts,” Grey continued, glaring at her watch while loudly tapping her foot. “He always asks me what I think. He’s got some classic shirts in there and he always looks good in them, but then that god damn wrinkled disgusting flannel comes off the floor and just ruins the whole outfit.”

Rick Spears, owner of Stoney Records, has been supplying Treston with shirts for years.

“I’ve sold him some of my best shirts over the years. An original ‘S&M Airlines,’ a classic ‘Nail in Your Head’ black tee, even a full color Cramps shirt,” Spears continued, a tear forming in his eye. “Not one of them has been seen by the general public since. They might as well have been burned up in a fire. I tell ya, it’s like a mother zebra watching its baby get snatched by a cheetah…hauled away, never to be seen again.”

At press time, Treston was seen taking another 45 minutes staring at an array of green military style jackets in his closet to wear over his flannel.

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week After Getting Trampled At A Big Box Store

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another holiday week, another insufferable evening with your extended family. For hours or maybe even days you’ve been forced to endure generic playlists with titles like ‘Rockin’ 60s’ or ‘70s Road Trip.’ If anyone needs an escape from the days of old, it’s you. We’ve got you covered with eight of the hottest new tracks – curated by the Hard Times staff – to listen to as you drift off into a food coma and dread work on Monday Morning.

Neck Deep “We Need More Bricks”

The Welsh quintet Neck Deep has been crafting infectiously catchy pop-punk since their formation as a duo in 2012. Now the band is prepping their latest self-titled LP due out next year – a full decade after the release of their debut ‘Wishful Thinking.’ The latest single from the forthcoming offering, ‘We Need More Bricks,’ has had our staff in a flurry and every window and glass object in our office shattered beyond recognition.

Iwan “Warm Primordial Blackness”

If you’ve ever wondered what At The Drive-In would sound like if they absolutely lost their minds for real, look no further than Chicago’s Iwan. The trio seems hell-bent on bringing screamo back to its gritty roots with a highly effective ‘less is more’ approach. If you’ve been looking for a sign to finally kick your synth player out of the band, ‘Warm Primordial Blackness’ from their latest EP ‘Instrument of Surrender’ should give you enough of a nudge.

Green Lung “Hunters In the Sky”

There’s like a 90% chance your deadbeat but fun uncle raved about Green Lung’s new album ‘This Heathen Land’ when you went on your annual Thanksgiving ‘walk’ before dinner. Just in case he didn’t or you got too stoned to remember, the entire album fucking rips shit. Don’t believe us? Just put on ‘Hunters In The Sky’ with its Iron Maiden-inspired guitar work and tell us with a straight face you didn’t immediately look up Cyber Monday deals on some ostentatious Jackson guitar.

Iron Chic “Ancient Pistol/Enjoy The Silence”

There’s usually nothing we’re more grateful for than new music from Iron Chic. This year, that gratitude is doubled as the band has released not one, but two absolute classics. ‘Ancient Pistol’ is a ripper of a track complete with the band’s signature dirty guitar sound and shred-your-throat scream-along hooks, while their left-turn cover of Depeche Mode’s ‘Enjoy the Silence’ is so stunning that our Editor in Chief has not stopped sobbing for the entire weekend.

Tyvek “Going Through My Things”

If you traveled home for our nation’s celebratory day of gluttony and political arguments with family, there’s a good chance you went through your literal things that your parents refuse to throw away as well as a flurry of emotional things. Both were probably overwhelming. Fortunately Detroit’s legendary lo-fi punk outfit Tyvek has penned the perfect soundtrack to your world with their excellent track ‘Going Through My Things.’

The Hope Conspiracy “Confusion/Chaos/Misery”

Boston’s hardcore legends The Hope Conspiracy just released their first EP in fourteen years, ‘Confusion/Chaos/Misery.’ It’s a certified ripper guaranteed to kick your shit in faster than a crowd killing asshole at a rec center It’s a good thing you’ve eaten too much this week to move, otherwise the title track alone would have you kicking multiple holes in your walls.

English Teacher “Mastermind Specialism”

Riding a healthy buzz from their debut EP ‘Polyawkward,’ Leeds indie quartet English Teacher has been steadily releasing singles for a seemingly yet-to-be-announced LP. Their latest, ‘Mastermind Specialism,’ is a gorgeous meditation on the listlessness that often accompanies modern adulthood. Lily Fontaine’s signature vulnerability paints a harrowing portrait of decision fatigue that seems to go even deeper than your typical night of choosing something to watch on Netflix, but you’re bound to be drawn in regardless.

We get it. Eight songs aren’t nearly enough to satiate your undying greed and hunger for clout. That’s why we’ve added every song ever featured in this column to an ever-growing and increasingly disorienting playlist. Click here to like, follow, listen, and never run out of songs to lord over your friends again!

Next “Saw” Installment Features Jigsaw Forcing Victim to Break-In Docs for Two Weeks

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

LOS ANGELES — Exclusive insider reports revealed that the eleventh film in the “Saw” franchise will feature Jigsaw torturing his victims by strapping them into a pair of 1460 Dr. Martens originals and having them hike Runyon Canyon.

“Ten movies later, you would think we would have run out of ways to torment Jigsaw’s victims. Nope. We absolutely haven’t,” asserted “Saw” creator James Wan. “We’ve done tongue traps, knife traps, Chinese finger traps, you name it. This time, we wanted to give Jigsaw something kind of fun and modern. I saw one of the interns in the office hobbling around in her boots, and boom, it hit me: breaking in Docs is the way to go. And frankly, we also realized that true torture comes from the mundane nature of everyday life.”

Longtime “Saw” fans are reportedly thrilled to relate to the plotline of the latest in line of the iconic films.

“I mean, when I saw the needle trap, it was almost like my own reality. This city has just really gone to shit! Everyone’s on drugs. Right? Right?” asserted Los Angeles transplant, film critic, and failed screenwriter Jim George, while elbowing his expressionless, breadwinning wife. “But a new pair of Docs? I would rather cut off one of my own toes! You go ahead and give that idea right to James Wan and please ask him if he ever read my script about and up and coming poet who gets trapped inside a haunted Target.”

A spokesperson for Dr. Martens stated that they have a history of eccentric collaborations, so it’s only right that “Saw” comes next, especially considering the synergy between the participants.

“Not many people know this, but our shoes were originally designed to be blue-collar workwear shoes. So the reason they rip your heels to shreds and make you bleed is actually intentional and a reflection of how work is torture,” explained Ryan David, head of Dr. Martens global PR. “And the ‘Saw’ movies are all about literal torture, and while I’m sure there is a deeper thematic meaning hidden somewhere within the hours and hours of films that I have not and will not watch, right now I’m just going to go with the fact that the clown guy likes hurting people, and at the end of the day, so do we.”

At press time, Wan was considering having Jigsaw make a punk character cover himself in pyramid studs.

Ten Underrated Records From Vagrant Records to Listen to While You Ride the Rails Out West

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Founded in 1995 by Rich Egan, now at The Hard 8 Working Group management company, and Jon Cohen, now at Big Noise Music Group, Vagrant Records truly ruled the punk, emo, “emo,” and post-hardcore scene in the late-90s and early aughts with a non-iron and sincerely inviting fist that comfortably begged you to spend more than another year on the streets listening to their incredible roster. Before we highlight ten underrated records we must start by saying that these eight Vagrant Records acts are WAY too huge to be considered underrated anywhere on earth, and certainly for this piece by anyone, except your out-of-touch troll of an uncle named Rico: Alkaline Trio, The 1975, Saves the Day, Senses Fail, The Get-Up Kids, The Lemonheads, Thrice, and Dashboard Confessional. Let’s get down, kids!

Alexisonfire “Crisis” (2006)

While City and Colour, a hipster-approved project named after and featuring Alexisonfire’s Dallas Green, may be ginormous globally, and certainly very successful in the states, his other post-hardcore act Alexisonfire sure isn’t on 1/10 of C&C’s level here. Still, the band is quite popular in Canada, even debuting at freaking number one on the Canadian Albums Chart, proving that The Great White North is cooler in every way, literally and figuratively, than all US Americans. Alexisonfire’s third of five albums “Crisis” combines gritty growls with saccharine and soothing melodic vocals better than most of their peers, and deserves your attention if you were too busy blasting The All-American Rejects’ “The Black Parade” around this time.

The Anniversary “Designing a Nervous Breakdown”

In the “scene” world, the first Kansas band that people usually namecheck is a different band on Vagrant Records: The Get-Up Kids. However, The Anniversary deserves a large amount of praise as well for their incredible songs that all of your favorite bands just love like a milkshake. For whatever reason, they never truly broke out, and it feels that they walked just after The Rentals, and ran just before Motion City Soundtrack, disqualifying ‘em from the keyboard rock Olympics whilst The Rentals and MCS both won medals. Sadly, The Anniversary split up in 2004, but happily, they reunited for the Rockstar Energy Drink Taste Of Chaos 2016 San Bernardino date with such non-Vagrant Records bands as Quicksand, Saosin, Taking Back Sunday, and the fictional band in “Can’t Hardly Wait” called Loveburger, who covered Smash Mouth’s “Astro Lounge” a capella in its entirety back to front.

The Bled “Pass the Flask” (2007)

While The Bled’s “Pass the Flask” was initially released via Fiddler Records in 2003, Vagrant Records snatched the Tucson, Arizona group shortly after, and reissued this gem of an LP for the label, so it technically counts for the sake of this piece, so get off our fucking back. Since everything we say leaves this room, it must be said that this record’s influence permeated the late-aughts and beyond more than most bands, and especially more than Mickey from “Rocky,” the Arnold Schwarzenegger Tony Award-winning film’s tolerance towards quitters and bums. The band came out with three more solid LPs before calling it a day, but just like The Anniversary above, and any defunct act with child support payments, reunited for 2021’s rock and roll festival season, which included fun jaunts on Riot Fest, Furnace Fest, and Chanukah, the Fest(ival) of Lights!

Dr Manhattan “Self-Titled” (2008)

Potentially the most underrated mention on this list, the difficult to explain in layman’s terms and/or categorize Dr (without a period for some ungodly reason; weird) Manhattan released a way too slept upon self-titled LP, while bands in a similar but different world like The Gaslight Anthem and The Maine were absolutely blowing up. The party’s opinion is that Wauconda, Illinois is more well known with minds like ours, yours, and no one else’s for being a part of the set of “The Blues Brothers” than this enigmatic and unique band, and while we can’t change that with the masses who don’t know how to read, we hope to do so with you, friends. Join the circus and spin this one right now for the big apple and the small pepper.

Emanuel “Soundtrack to a Headrush” (2005)

Hey man, we’re still scratching our domes about the sad truth regarding Emanuel and will forever ask ourselves, “How the hell did this group not blow up?” So many post-hardcore/mall screamo acts in the mid-aughts with worse songs but possibly better haircuts now can afford private school tuition in Los Angeles, and while we don’t have access to each member of Emanuel’s bank accounts, we can surmise that royalties on this and “Black Earth Tiger” are long gone, or never ever there to begin with. If you missed the overground boat on this Louisville, Kentucky quintet, make tonight willingly your soundtrack to a headrush. Machine, yes, Machine, killed it as producer here and on non-Vagrant Records acts Armor For Sleep’s “What to Do When You Are Dead” and Boys Night Out’s “Trainwreck,” both of which sold more units and came out the same year as “Soundtrack to a Headrush.”

Far “At Night We Live” (2010)

Far’s 1998 now-classic LP “Water & Solutions,” released via Immortal/Epic Records, may be the most underrated post-hardcore emo adjacent album of all time, and it has A LOT of strong competition for that coveted “award,” but their comeback effort “At Night We Live” deserves accolades too! The record serves as a poignant memorial to the late Chi Cheng of other Sacramento now-legendary act Deftones, and Far rocks and rolls through twelve songs in glorious form. Maybe this album was too late to be embraced, or maybe it was a tad too early to catch on. Whatever the case, it’s somebody’s struggle for sure, and we want y’all to explore this one and its predecessors. Fun fact/burns: Ginuwine’s sex anthem “Pony” gets the rock treatment here, and it’s for bachelors, bachelorettes, and anyone who auditioned for either show, but not the over sixty crowd on “The Golden Bachelor.”

Koufax “Social Life” (2002)

As of today, Toledo, Ohio’s indie pop act Koufax has under 1200 monthly listeners on Spotify, proving that more than Saturday is alone, and that we’re all going down. Formed in the late-90s, Koufax released their debut EP for another cool label called Doghouse Records, signed with Vagrant, and released their debut “It Had to Do with Love” two years later in (we’ll make it up to you in the year) 2000. But we’re here for more “life” than “love,” and 2002’s “Social Life” is a perfect example of a band being ahead of their time whilst putting out a throwback of an experience that would’ve KILLED twenty years earlier. There must be something in Midwestern water other than what was in Flint’s, and Koufax proved that small towns don’t always have small minds via their older souls and younger bodies.

Moneen “The Red Tree” (2006)

Moneen or “.moneen.” with TWO PERIODS if you NASTY, formed in Ontario just before the 21st century, released two full-length studio albums for Smallman Records, a Winnipeg-based label that also put out quality efforts from Comeback Kid and Choke, signed with Vagrant shortly afterward, and subsequently released one of the more slept upon efforts of the mid-aughts, “The Red Tree.” While said record got some music video airplay on MuchMusic and FUSE, MTV in America did not give it any love, and neither did many press outlets. Alas, Moneen are certainly the smaller of the two Canadian acts mentioned here, the larger one being Alexisonfire, but Moneen’s musicianship stood out amongst other acts in the Warped Tour world. The about-to-be-mentioned Max Bemis of Say Anything certainly took notice, and hired singer/guitarist Kenny Bridges for the latest incarnation of SA.

Rocket from the Crypt “Group Sounds” (2001)

Rocket from the Crypt may be the biggest band listed here, but in what may be the paradox of the century, is forever and ever amen underrated, and the band’s first LP after leaving super independent Interscope Records, “Group Sounds” is a sweaty cacophonous mess from front to back that makes us want to get dirty AF and listen to over and over again. If you caught the band playing this front to back at the aforementioned Riot Fest last year, you have a good check that’s gonna stick and an epically grandiose amount of savoir-faire that has the heart of a lion, and not a stupidhead rat. S.O.S.: Bring us the head, yeah, B-Unique, spit some vitriol and venom, AND bring the ghost heart if your inner system hasn’t heard this gem, writing checks that your body can’t cash.

Two Tongues “Self-Titled” (2009)

Like we stated in the sterling intro to this very piece, Saves the Day may be too huge to have an album name-checked here, and because of said posit, the aforementioned Say Anything, who is certainly on equal or larger footing to STD, is as well. However, their rockin’ side project Two Tongues isn’t! Fun fact: The artists on this recording, Max Bemis, Chris Conley, David Soloway, and Coby Linder, have a collective FOUR amount of tongues that we know about, so this band is a lie, and so are you! Come on! It would be seven more years until this album’s sequel, “Two Tongues Two” was released, and we’re back against the wall waiting for you to come home and for the third one, which will hopefully be better than the third Godfather movie, which isn’t that bad, but not that good.

The Top 20 Pixies Songs to Get Customers Out as You End Your Bar Shift

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

It’s almost 2 a.m., you’re at the end of your shift, and you want to send a gentle message to the remaining bar patrons: go the fuck home. Sure, you want to end the night on a high, but also clearly communicate that these drunk assholes need to clear out for closing time. Get this handy playlist ready to take an inebriated crowd through a tour of Pixies songs. This includes choice classic cuts and personal favorites, but also a few tunes guaranteed to clear out the straggling few that don’t get the hint. Let’s get this music cranking so you can get home, microwave a Marie Callender’s frozen dinner, and watch old Simpsons episodes. (Listen to the playlist as you go)

“Gigantic”

Start with your personal favorite, the song that put you on the road to loving this band from Boston. That fucking Kim Deal bass line. Not everyone shares your appreciation. Some asshole yells, “The fuck is this?” as soon as you switch over from whatever shitty power-country he dished out a buck for on the digital jukebox. It’s the Pixies, asshole. Debut album, made in ten days for ten grand. This is a great tune for gathering up the wet singles at the edge of the bar while patrons make out or scream stories at each other.

“Hey”

Of course people begin giving out bedroom eyes on the horniest Pixies song. One friendly stranger who just threw up in the bathroom talks up a sober newbie walking in. Amazing what a mint can do. Later, you find them dry-humping behind the coat rack. Who can blame them? “Hey” is one of those songs that gets people feeling a certain way. But seriously, don’t they have an apartment they could go to somewhere in this city?

“Velouria”

A track from their third album, ‘Bossanova,’ informed by Frank Black’s pop sensibilities. Heads begin bopping, toes tap against the bar. When patrons dig the music, it’s a better vibe. Remember that dayshift bartender who used to play NPR? Nobody wants to do shots to ‘All Things Considered’ and ‘Planet Money.’ Horrible bar background ambiance choice. This spacey surf rock echoing in the bar makes it easier to throw cold french fries away from stray baskets.

“Levitate Me”

Take it all the way back to their debut EP. What an incredible thrumming drive through this 1987 track. You try to talk to a few regulars about how much Pixies mean to you, but there is a lost phone, and you know what that means: people are about to get really fucking annoying. Do an obligatory check of the lost and found box, which only has a filthy hoodie and a copy of “Infinite Jest” some pretentious asshole left here 4 months ago.

“Manta Ray”

“Last call!” That’s right assholes, it’s the B-sides now. Damn it, just as you called it for the last round of drinks, an entire group of finance bros walked in talking over each other, eyes and nostrils flared from a night of party powder. Great, there’s a whole bachelorette party behind them as well. You’d be stupid to pass up the tips. Time to make 70 drinks in five minutes.

“Human Crime”

You use the sudden influx of newbies to throw on the new Pixies tune. Hell, you’ll listen to anything they put out. The driving beat keeps you pouring and elaborately mixing drinks in a performative fashion that you hope attracts tips. Raise those arms extra high while unnecessarily shaking. Did someone just make a request to change the song? Fuck off, it’s a Pixies night.

“Head On”

This track describes how you have to face the closing shift at this shitty dive bar: directly head-on. Part party anthem, part blind acceptance of this miserable reality, this one will get feet moving – hopefully towards the exit. It’s almost 2 in the morning. Don’t they know you also have to clean up?

“Debaser”

Play it fucking loud, aggressively loud. Finish these drinks, close out your orders. You become an octopus at the center of the bar: swiping cards, handing pens, and clearing half-empty glasses. Where is Gus your barback? Totally useless, always on break, probably asking regulars out front if they have a spare smoke. When drummer David Lovering drops in, you up the ante and pull Gus back inside to maneuver the dishwasher like this was a battleship.

“Break My Body”

At this point, the basic bros around you are all requesting “Where Is My Mind?” but instead you throw on a tune that best describes your current state. Your calves are aching. There’s a layer of vodka-french-fry sweat covering your skin. You’ve seen forty-two first dates tonight, all of them awful. Your body and spirit are truly broken.

“What Goes Boom”

Even with the CLOSED sign on full display, there are still people banging on the front glass, windows shaking in their cheap metal frame. One of these nights, those late-evening visitors begging for a drink are going to break the glass. You warn the owner, but he barely cares about this place, one of five bars he somehow has in this city alone. When you mouth “We’re closed,” one of them flips you off, another spits on the window. What a great city.

“Havalina”

Create a moment of calm before everyone is thrown out on their ass. Almost all the tabs are closed. You’ve turned off the stream of music videos on TV. Hell, a few of the lights are turned on, the sobering lightbulb glare. Revealed are the grossest couples you’ve ever seen, sloppily kissing and slow dancing, seemingly stuck together by sweat, sugary alcohol mixes, and spilled appetizers.

“Monkey’s Gone To Heaven”

The lights are officially on. You have the front door propped open. The smarter crowd understands the hint, but suddenly another finance bro slams $20 against the bar, asking for a round of shots. Also, he wants you to change the music. Unfortunately for him, his father doesn’t own this bar. He has no power here. Try not to enjoy it too much when you tell him, “We’re closed.” Bask in these two minutes of glory, knowing he will completely forget about you within the hour.

“Might as Well Be Gone”

You play this as a hint for the few left trying to use the restroom, to the smokers outside, and to any chatty holdovers as the clock hits 2:01 a.m. The band’s first album with current bassist Paz Lenchantin has this subtle hint threaded in: fucking go home. Your broom hits at designer shoes and haute couture jeans, way too stylish for this bar.

“Something Against You”

Yeah, you’ve got something against them. They won’t fucking leave! Play this song unwelcomingly loud to make your message clear. Now you have people standing around out front on the pavement, smoking cigarettes you’ll have to sweep up later. Don’t they live somewhere? Did that dude just grab a Yuengling from across the street? Are they playing quarters outside? Is that a bonfire? What is going on?

“Here Comes Your Man”

Ubers are arriving. Crowds begin to thin. Thank God. You can throw on one of your favorite Pixies tracks as you wet down the floor to mop up. Of course some dude comes out of the bathroom and almost slips, just as you begin to enjoy yourself for half a second. Lawsuit diverted, good thing because you could only pay your lawyer in Pixies vinyl.

“On Graveyard Hill”

Truth be told: you’re actually a morning person. You hate this cemetery shift. The worst part about the job is how much you sleep in, never able to enjoy a coffee or scone or early morning walk. Nope, just stuck here at 2:10am watching two dudes puke in the back courtyard. Who did they even come in with? You use this as a chance to listen to new releases from The Pixies and consider your life choices. How does one become a National Park Ranger? Nah, that seems like a lot of work.

“I’ve Been Tired”

You’re more than tired, you are crumbling away. This is an unwelcoming tune to blast at anyone still hiding in the booths at the back of the bar. Where the hell is that barback Gus? Where do all of these extra pint glasses keep coming from? You nearly fall asleep standing up while looking for the key to the storage closet, just so you can grab the “good” rags.

“Vamos”

That’s right, “vamos.” Let’s go. Blasting this will tell anyone left to get the fuck out. Also, they’ll get to marvel at guitarist Joey Santiago’s amazing work here. “Your bar closes too early. Your bar sucks,” a straggler from the bachelorette party says, looking for her Juul and eyeing you suspiciously. You say nothing, watching Gus the barback inhale from a Juul he found on one of the tables.

“Who’s More Sorry Now?”

Suddenly, in the empty bar, with the fridge humming and ceiling fans lazily swirling around the dirty air, you feel an odd loneliness. All these chattery people gone, now the haunted feeling of stacked chairs in an empty space. As your mind wanders, a slamming door scares the hell out of you. The most haggard dude you’ve ever seen shuffles out of the bathroom. Did he fall asleep in there? It smells like death itself. You desperately want to go home.

“Dead”

The metal security gate rattles as you guide it towards the ground. Another night done. And you are absolutely dead. You fall asleep on the train ride home and wake up on the complete other side of town, realizing you’ve accidentally been riding the rails for hours while sleeping. Oh well, might as well just continue napping against this pole. Your next shift is in five hours anyway.

DeSantis Promises to Change Fifty Stars Section of American Flag to Punisher Logo if Elected

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor and Republican Presidential Candidate, Ron DeSantis, promised that, if elected, he would change the fifty stars section of the American flag to the Punisher logo, cheering Floridians confirmed.

“Red, white, and blue and skull!” DeSantis emphasized in a speech while at a poorly attended campaign stop. “Don’t get me wrong, nothing makes me more excited than seeing the American flag flying high in the wind, but that fifty starts portion, it makes no sense. State equality, unity, and peace, does any of that sound American to you? I promise, that when I am elected president of this great country, I’ll wipe our flag clean of all wokeness and replace it with something that better symbolizes the real America, the long skull called the Punisher logo!”

This promise had DeSantis’ supporters foaming at the mouth.

“Ron knows what’s important. As much as I love our flag I’ve always been bothered because some of those stars represent states that make me hate America, it makes me sick to think the star representing my state looks exactly like the star that represents Massachusetts, or worse, California. I look forward to pledging allegiance to a flag that reflects the values I stand for,” said longtime DeSantis supporter Jayce Warner. “As a matter of fact, I got two of them skulls tattooed on me, one on each fist. It symbolizes death to terrorists, and hell yeah police, and death to all libs. And that’s what I’m all about. DeSantis 2024! Four more years!”

Vexillologist, Shaina Thames, begrudgingly explained how this is a common campaign tactic to gain support.

“Every year some lunatic threatens to change the makeup of the American flag to gain support, and the sad part is sometimes it actually works. Not only would it be a bad idea aesthetically, but the waste of taxpayer money to make it happen would be astronomical,” confirmed Wembley. “Bush promised to have a weapon of mass destruction hidden somewhere on the flag. Clinton wanted all American flags to be made out of beach towels to help clean up certain messes. Almost every candidate does it, and DeSantis is now workshopping his. God help us.”

At press time, DeSantis promised if elected he would give every American a loaded gun.

Man Sends Woman Unsolicited Photo of Pedalboard

Posted on by Kevin Coons

PORTLAND, Ore. — Amateur guitarist and gear enthusiast Andy Farren sent an unsolicited photo of his pedalboard to his acquaintance Elizabeth Horke, which she found shocking and disrespectful.

“We were just texting about movies, making casual conversation, and then out of nowhere, he sent a picture of his pedalboard,” Horke said while blocking Farren’s number. “It was clearly turned on, and you could see everything, even the power supply. I just don’t know what made him think that was an acceptable thing to do. I am only a few months out of a relationship with a guy who was really into modular synths, and receiving this picture brought up a lot of traumatic memories. Might be time to institute a ‘no musicians’ policy for dating.”

Farren didn’t see the exchange as that big of a deal.

“I was just excited to show off my new rig,” said the guitarist. “I had just swapped out my fuzz for a cleaner overdrive, and I was alone in my room, messing around with a few things. I guess I was just feeling my tone, and I thought she might want to hear about it. I thought she was a music fan. She really should take it as a compliment. After all, my pedalboard is a lot bigger than the average guy’s, so she must be impressed, if not a bit aroused.”

Experts say that in the age of pedal demo videos and message boards, this behavior is becoming frighteningly more common.

“Guitarists can sometimes struggle to determine what is appropriate and when discussing the intimate details of their signal chain,” said social scientist Dr. Michelle Parkzer. “To clarify, yes, there may be some occasions when sending a pedalboard photo might be okay, but it’s important to always remember that consent is the key. Also, a whole pedalboard can come across as very forward, and even intense. It’s usually best to start slow when bringing up the subject of guitar pedals. Maybe start by asking if it’s okay to send a picture of your new delay pedal, and if she says yes, then go from there.”

At press time, Horke reportedly blocked Farren after he sent a picture of the settings on his amplifier captioned with the text, “cranking it.”

So You Agreed to Jam With Your Coworker. Here Are 5 Ways to Fake Your Own Death

Posted on by Chris Bowen

So it finally happened. Word got out at work that you play an instrument and now that one coworker who plays bass wants to jam with you. You panicked, started sweating profusely, then blurted out “Yes, we totally should!” But don’t worry.

Although as burdensome and painful as it may seem, these things happen all the time. And believe it or not, it’s nothing that can’t be taken care of with a good old-fashioned death faking. So these 5 ways certainly aren’t the only ways to make everyone believe you’ve died, they’re just the most practical examples and a good starting place.

1. Plan a Big Vacation to a Place Ripe With Turmoil and Never Return

“Can you believe he/she/they’re (you) is going all the way to Syria for vacation? Doesn’t (you) know we’re (The USA) still bombing shit like crazy over there?” Why yes, you are totally aware. But a killer selfie at Ancient Aleppo is worth it so much, you’re going to “die” for it.

2. Convince Your Coworkers You Have a Gambling Problem, Then Make Them Believe Bookies Made You “Disappear”

It really helps if you show up to work the day prior to your sudden “disappearance” with both of your thumbs broken or your kneecaps smashed. You’d think that would be enough to convince your coworker that you’re too injured to jam, but think again. Shouldn’t have placed that last bet on the Celtics like you’ve been crying to everyone at the office about for the past 3 days.

3. Offer to Pick Up Lunch That Day and Fake an Elaborate Armed Robbery at a Subway, Then “Die” from Suicide by Cop

This is where they start to get a little difficult. You’re either going to have to actually rob the place, go ballistic, then die in a hail of gunfire. Or you’ll have to find a way to convince the cops, the restaurant staff, all the local papers and everyone close to you to be in on it and that you really don’t want to jam Zeppelin covers with Carl from shipping.

4. Take Out the Trash, Fall, and Get Trapped in the Dumpster, Then Fake Getting Crushed by the Garbage Truck’s Trash Compactor

This one is as simple as they come. Just get the schedule of the garbage truck down, offer to take out the garbage when it shows up, then quickly tear off your clothes, wrap them around the trash bag full of jello and various animal parts you have set aside, leave your nametag in the ground next to the garbage can and huck the meat-bag version of yourself in the compactor and then “splat!” No more stress of getting together with anyone for a jam session ever again!

5. Just Quit Your Job….Then Have a Friend Run You Down With Their Car as You Leave

Just tell them to take this job and shove it, then pow! This one does involve you being seriously injured, sure. But do you really want everyone thinking you’re in a band with your coworker? I didn’t think so.

Grammys Announce Metallica, Slipknot, and Ghost Also Nominated For Best Metal Performance in 2025, 2026, and 2027

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — The Grammy Awards’ nomination committee preemptively slated Metallica, Slipknot, and Ghost as nominees for Best Metal Performance in 2025, 2026, and 2027, sources confirmed.

“I’m no ‘metal aficionado’ as they say, but I stepped up when the committee admitted they couldn’t name a single metal band,” confessed Doug Underwood, a new member of the Recording Academy. “Luckily, I discovered Metallica when my kids were binging ‘Stranger Things.’ It made me feel like I really understood the whole genre. After an intense ten minutes of Googling, I found Slipknot, too. A group of angry Midwestern clowns celebrating Halloween year-round. And Ghost, of course. They’re like KISS I’d actually let my daughter listen to. Makes you wonder why there aren’t more ‘heavy metal’ bands. Anyway, I penciled them all in for the next few years, hoping some new bands emerge by then.”

Papa Emeritus, the world’s least offensive spokesperson for Satan and frontman of Ghost, is more than happy to receive these future awards.

“When we started, we just wanted to be a Blue Öyster Cult tribute band. That wasn’t really going anywhere, so we tried some theatrics. A little face paint, some Lucifer cosplay, and presto – we’re famous,” said Mr. Papa. “I like to call it ‘clean Satanism.’ It’s a fun occult time for the whole family. We’re only trying to offend the two hardcore Christians that exist in Sweden. It certainly isn’t offending my brokerage account. If that’s worth an award, who am I to argue?”

Demetrius Hail, a Grammy consultant and music historian who doesn’t specialize in metal but bills hourly for any genre analysis, offered his findings.

“Metallica, with their groundbreaking debut ‘St. Anger,’ essentially birthed metal as we know it. They set the stage for bands like Slipknot, who amplified the loud noises and invented putting scary things on your head,” Hail asserted confidently. “Ghost brought this to the mainstream by making the headgear much less scary and not really doing metal at all, while infusing it with a vibe I call ‘witchy men.’ This spectacle-over-substance brand has become beloved by young fans. I call them the big three, and they’ll be dominating the genre for years to come.”

At press time, Underwood was heard exclaiming, “We need five?!” as he frantically clicked on a ‘Stranger Things’ playlist that may have actually been a Disturbed album cover.