Simple Plan, Canada’s pride and joy pop punk act, successfully infected the mainstream in 2002 with their debut studio album, the curiously named “No Pads, No Helmets…Just Balls,” and surprisingly to you, but not Quebec, they are still going strong to this day, and released their sixth LP, the uber underrated “Harder Than It Looks” in 2022, TWENTY years after their first hit stores. Also, in a flex to end all flexes, next to Less Than Jake, Simple Plan have played on more yearly Warped Tour dates than any band. Yes, we mean it, ANY band, so Anal Cunt can suck it. Read on, take one for the team, and infect our social media pages with ardent positivity!
6. Taking One for the Team (2016)
Simple Plan fans know the band doesn’t have any bad full-length studio albums, however, one effort had to be listed in the dreaded last position here, and the band’s last release for Atlantic Records and fifth LP altogether, “Taking One for the Team,” is in this slot. A lot of SP releases have expected AND unexpected vocal features, and this one showcases such with the possibly predictable Jordan Pundik of (A) New Found Glory throwing down some oohs/ahhs, and Nelly, yes, the early-aughts superstar, appearing here.
Play it again: “Boom!”
Skip it: “Problem Child”
5. Self-Titled (2008)
Simple Plan’s third LP was a combination of a departure that disappointed some and an underrated ambitious effort that did the opposite. Regardless of where you lie on the Simple Plan spectrum, and your typical taste when it comes to a specific genre, you can’t deny that the songs here are pretty damn good. The opener “When I’m Gone” not only kind of explained the long gap between their sophomore studio album “Still Not Getting Any…” and this, but it also set the tone for a non-punk record in any way, shape, or form, unless you think that hip-hop + R&B = melodic punk. Produced by Dave Fortman of Ugly Kid Joe, Floyd “Danja” Nathaniel Hills, and Max “Freaking” Martin, “Simple Plan” is far from simple but as close to “pop” as they ever will be.
Play it again: “Take My Hand”
Skip it: “Holding On”
4. Harder Than It Looks (2022)
Simple Plan’s sixth and most recent studio album, as of print date here in a non-paper format, “Harder Than It Looks,” features a fun and youthful energy on more “mature” and “adult,” but not in a boring, trite, and uber-cliche way, songs. At just under thirty-five minutes over the course of ten solid tracks, it is without hyperbole or hesitation the band’s most succinct and tight LP, and a truly, truly enjoyable one at that. Still, we must ask as we are legally obligated to, “Why wasn’t ‘Two’ track two? Sounds like a missed opportunity for iconic status, and now our anxiety-ridden lives are forever in slow motion ruined. Self-released, Simple Plan took the power back with “Harder Than It Looks,” and we are eager to see where and how they end up 2024-beyond.
Play it again: “The Antidote”
Skip it: “Slow Motion”
3. Get Your Heart On! (2011)
Not only is Simple Plan’s fourth and most underrated album BY FAR, “Get Your Heart On!,” the band’s best LP to be released after 2004, but it is so good that it sort of has a sequel in an EP of B-sides from the original sessions called “Get Your Heart On – The Second Coming!” that came out two years later. Like we stated in the section about “Taking One for the Team,” Simple Plan is more than fluent in vocal features from other acts, and Rivers Cuomo of Weezer, who co-wrote “Can’t Keep My Hands off You,” has a prominent vocal cut on said track, and other artists like Natasha Bedingfield, Alex Gaskarth of All Time Low, and George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher of Cannibal Corpse all rep their acts quite well here. In closing, this effort served as a return to form to those who were complaining about their self-titled release.
Play it again: “You Suck at Love”
Skip it: “Gone Too Soon”
2. No Pads, No Helmets…Just Balls (2002)
Simple Plan’s debut studio album “No Pads, No Helmets…Just Balls” couldn’t have come out at a better time as non-major/fake indie label pop-punk albums took over planet Earth, and SP had major label backing for an undeniable hit-ridden LP. We are almost vomiting by saying such, but the band should also write a lofty check to whomever created TikTok for their recent semi-unrivaled resurgence via their 2002 anthem, and 2023 mainstay, “I’m Just a Kid.” In the last time we are going to mention a vocal feature in this piece, blink-182’s Mark Hoppus, absolutely slaps the bass out of his voice on the opening track “I’d Do Anything,” which also is one of the better pop-punk opening album tracks. If you’re still hate reading this piece out of spite, God must hate you, and we sure do too!
Play it again: “Perfect”
Skip it: “Meet You There”
1. Still Not Getting Any… (2004)
To put it bluntly and perfectly, Bob rocked it. Basically, Simple Plan’s sophomore effort “Still Not Getting Any…” is the opposite of a slump, and such is proven every time one listens, and because of this, we’d like to personally thank the band for not sucking balls, or anything else that is smelly AF this time around. Please revisit this LP that you pretend to loathe if you haven’t done such in nearly two decades, admit that you still feel that you don’t belong anywhere via its VERY relatable lyrics, and find a way to be like us, FANTASTIC. If you still naysay SP’s influence in 2004, you should know that this record debuted at number THREE on the US Billboard 200 with six figures of sales in its opening week… Welcome to their life!
Play it again: “Jump”
Skip it: “One”
No, Santa isn’t secretly a monster, relax. He’s a jolly old magical man who delivers presents to children all over the world just like everyone thinks he is. We include him only because he is a major character, but at best, Santa has only murdered about a dozen people in the name of delivering gifts.
The cat is pretty much just a cat and has killed no more people than any other black cat in the world, which is to say somewhere between 10 and 20 babies by stealing their breath in the middle of the night.
Believe it or not, he’s just a regular guy who happens to be melting. Unfortunately, due to his hideous appearance, Halloween Town is the only place that will have him. He’s killed 11 people, but they were all in self-defense against the various lynch mobs that descended on him whenever he tried to settle down in a normal place.
Despite his infamous namesake, Hyde has only killed about a baker’s dozen people, and almost all of them weren’t children. That’s practically being a saint in Halloween Town, a den of horrors. The same can’t be said for the little guy hiding under the hat of the little guy hiding under Hydes’ hat though. That little dude will murder your whole family for fun.
Frankenstein has murdered 18 people in cold blood, not a high body count by Halloween Town standards, but the way he savors and revells in each kill is truly sickening. Just further proof that while the cold hand of science can technically produce life, only the divine spark of our Father on high can imbue a living creature with a soul.
He’s actually super nice, and he only snatches the occasional child when his natural food supply of bugs runs scarce in the winter.
For a while, they tried doing that “Twilight” thing where they moved from town to town going to High School forever, but people caught on that they were monsters real fast. Probably because of all the rotting and smelling. After killing 26 people who had the misfortune of “discovering” their terrible secret, they accepted that their plan just wasn’t sustainable and moved to Halloween Town.
He’s pretty redundant honestly. Tearing away a creepy ass clown face to reveal a creepy monster face is like taking off your Jason mask to reveal a Michael Myers mask. It doesn’t escalate anything, it’s just confusing. Maybe it’s the frustration he feels over his failed branding that has motivated him to kill and eat dozens of children.
Legends of the Cyclops’s cruel brutality go back to the epics of Homer, and Halloween Town’s resident one-eye is no exception. Keep your sheep, wine, and man flesh away from this monster.
That’s right, death itself hangs its hat and scythe in Halloween Town. Still think this is a movie the whole family can enjoy? Technically the Grim Reaper’s body count is, you know, all of them, but aside from being the avatar of fate the Grim Reaper goes out of his way to light homeless people on fire for a sense of control—43 and counting—and the police aren’t even trying to catch him.
They’ve got a Danny Ellfman-like sound aesthetic and an insatiable appetite for human flesh. They really know how to give eating your brain while you’re still alive a sweeping cinematic flair.
Part old-world clown, part demon, it doesn’t get any more evil than that, He turns dead animal carcasses into hats, does that sound nice? Is that something a nice person would do? Is this someone you really want your children looking up to? On top of having a Leatherface-like fashion sense, this guy is dumb. You didn’t see it in the movie, but he killed 56 people before realizing a human skull was too small to fit over a human head.
I mean, witches! Come on! Did we all just up and forget witches are evil? I know the term has been muddled a bit what with Harry Potter and spooky ladies who sell scented candles on Etsy, but these are clearly old-school child-eating witches, and everyone is just fine with this? Hope your family enjoys all that popcorn and soda pop while you casually watch them boil a child alive in the movie’s opening song!
The creature under the bed is a coward. Why do you think he hides under there? He’s more afraid of you than you are of him. Still, fear makes a creature dangerous. If he’s cowering under your mattress and you get up unexpectedly in the middle of the night he might just panic and pull you under. He’s done it at least 70 times.
He’s the assistant to Dr. Finklestein, one of history’s greatest and most depraved butchers. You could argue that some of that blood is on Igor’s hands as well, and we won’t weigh in, that’s for history to decide. If we’re just talking people Igor has killed personally, 86 sex workers.
She was made with a portion of Dr. Finklestein’s brain and thus inherited a percentage of his muder-in-the-name-of-science impulses. She only has a small part of his brain though, so the science part is kind of lacking. She once killed 11 people to build a potato clock, which is generally speaking way more people than you need to kill to build a potato clock, like 11 more.
You have to start somewhere, and the Rx Bandits literally did such at the bottom with the creatively named “Demo(nstration),” which was released during ska’s peak, and that certainly benefited all involved. However, as professional haters that have more qualifications than you miscreants spouting hot garbage, we can’t justify this one being ranked higher than the dreaded last spot, and we know that the band will certainly agree with our not-so-hot take, but like we alluded to earlier, you sure won’t. These recordings may be youthful and endearing, but they are so low quality that maybe the release shouldn’t have been made public. Band-aids may be for THE soul, but duct tape is better, and RXB managed to prove that they could (wait for it, wait for it) cover up their past with seven, yes seven, more LPs, all of which are superior to this effort.
Those damn (Pharmaceutical) bandits definitely grew a bunch on their sophomore LP “Those Damn Bandits,” but in what sounds like an insulting jab is actually a sincere compliment because they got even better and better afterwards! “Those Damn Bandits” is likely what brought you, dear reader, here unless it didn’t, as it was originally released via Antedote Records, and re-released on Drive-Thru Records, also eventual home to (A) New Found Glory, Midtown, Finch, and Sheryl Crow, just one year later as their first of four RXB LPs for the glorious tastemaker label. Fun fact: Members of the superhero act known as The Aquabats and underrated ska-punk superstars Jeffries Fan Club guest on “Those Damn Bandits.”
“Gemini, Her Majesty” is better than the first two entries here combined X G2G, but it is our least favorite one from this century. Cheer up, Stargazers, we still love it because ANY Rx Bandits music is GOOD music, with the exception of youthfully ignorant pejorative and inflammatory termed songs. Released on RXB frontman, Dispatch touring member, The (enigmatic) Sound of Animals Fighting’s (The) Walrus, and seemingly genuine affable guy, Matt Embree’s MDB Records, which stands for Mash Down Babylon Records, likely named such because of the song by Chosen Brother and Rhythm of Sound, RXB took the power back and showcased such! Please release more music, gents!
“Halfway Between Here and There” is, without question, hesitation, second thought, or filter, the band’s best album from the 20th Century, and this time we mean it now or never! This album is rad as Bad Company for the most part, not just because of its high-quality songs, but the fact that it took the multi-piece band outside of their comfort zones and literally the cigarette butt and feces-covered Orange County. Proof? Ok. We’re gonna corner you with some tourmates from this album’s cycle: The Bloodhound Gang, Goldfinger, Reel Big Fish, and Allen Ginsberg’s spirit who helped co-write (the) Beat Generation’s classic manifesto poem “Howl,” also known as “Howl for Carl Solomon (Schechter)”.
Rx Bandits’ seventh and lucky full-length studio album, has insanely epic album cover art by Sonny Kay, who also designed unbelievable album covers for The Mars Volta, The Locust, 311, yes, 311, and Sergei “Two-Tone Ska King” Rachmaninoff, and a freeform yet huge sound that most four-pieces could never replicate if they tried. Since we sang Matt Embree’s name to the heavens in an earlier section of this album ranking piece, we need to give more sweaty hugs to guitarist/keyboardist Steve “The Fall Of” Choi, Joseph Troy “Which Rhymes With Choi,” Chris “Try To Pronounce My Last Name” Tsagakis, and their Cousin Oliver for absolutely shredding in a non-destructive way on “Mandala,” your high school jazz band teacher’s second favorite LP, of which Medeski Martin & Wood’s avant-groove “Shack-man,” and not WCW’s Shockmaster, will reign supreme.
Rx Bandits’ first and only effort to start with an ellipses, and also first non-Drive-Thru Records release that wasn’t their ok, on the cusp of good, but certainly far from superb debut record. This was where the band entered the Hipster Training Academy School To School Plebs, and they freaking graduated with honors, recorded this boundary-pushing, original in the best way, chaotic, and pretty like a pretty picture that is pretty LP in 2005 and 2006, and released “…And the Battle Begun” in the fall of 2006. In closing, Bruce Lee, Nacho Libre, the inventor of Pogs, and your stoner uncle all love this album!
“The Resignation,” Rx Bandits’ fifth full-length studio album and last for the aforementioned Drive-Thru Records is ranked in the golden spot approximately ⅓ of the year, but it’s not that time of month for the band, so it’s sitting prettily and/or angrily in the silver slot. Because of such, it is the first of two LPs to, uh, skip a “skip it” section in this piece, and we can sleep soundly knowing that we documented such for y’all. Also, a little birdie told us that “The Resignation” was recorded live at North Hollywood’s now-closed Wishbone Studios, owned by members of Blind Melon, completely live, with various overdubs and other musical intricacies to eventually follow. Not too many bands could effectively do this well, or at all, but there is only one Rx Bandits, and even Big Pharma proudly backs ‘em! Prophetic.
Like we said in the last section of this piece, this one is a “no skip” LP. Progress? Yes, quite literally. In our hottest take here, we need to say on paper that “Progress” is easily the best ska or ska-adjacent full-length studio album to be released this century, and it deserves far more praise than it received then and gets to this day. We mentioned other RXB band members earlier, but also want to shout out former multi instrumentalist, author, teacher, and TSOAF patriarch Rich “ard” Balling, and bassist James “Blunt” Salomone for their hard work and progressive performances on “Progress.” Rumor has it that this LP was originally called “Artificial Intelligence and the Fall of Technology,” which not only sounds like a Fall Out Boy song, but is a weak album title. Still, what we say to you goes in one ear and out the other.
