TAMPA, Fla. — The National Association of Wedding Planners overwhelmingly voted Peaches’ song “Fuck The Pain Away” as the worst for mother-son dances at weddings nationwide.
“It’s hard, filthy, and shouldn’t be listened to within a 20-mile radius of a wedding reception,” said Dan Hinklebart, President of the NAWP. “Usually these songs are thoughtful and nostalgic—they represent something special to both mother and son. But this Peaches song? It’s a Freudian nightmare. I mean, who wants to think about ‘sucking titties’ while watching a tender, loving moment between a mother and her son? Unless you’re into that kind of thing. In which case, maybe public life isn’t for you.”
The controversy arose after local DJ Beefy Beatz played the classic Peaches song during a wedding reception, resulting in an ER visit for the groom’s grandmother.
“I never had a request like that before,” said Beatz. “But the groom thought it would be ‘fucking hilarious’ to play it during the dance with his mother. I was like, ‘My dude, that is pretty unchill. Why don’t we just go with something classic like Fleetwood Mac or The Beatles?’ but he insisted. Cut to two minutes later—Nana’s convulsing at table 7 and everyone is screaming. ‘Fuck The Pain Away’ sent her into a three-week coma. It was just too much for her.”
At a wedding nearby, a local groom’s 13-year-old cousin, Trevor Lee, had a very different opinion on the subject, citing “free speech” as his reasoning.
“I think that song fucking rocks!” said Lee. “They should totally legalize it! My mom never lets me listen to this stuff at home. She always says, ‘watch your language’ and ‘stop lighting the toilet paper on fire.’ If it were my wedding, I would play that Peaches song during the whole dinner on repeat and force everyone to do karaoke to it as punishment for taking me away from ‘Fortnite.’ And everyone would get glowsticks. Do you know if there’s any more Sprite?”
In response to the uproar, the National Association of Wedding Planners has additionally petitioned to criminalize the use of Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” during bridal party entrances.