PITTSBURGH — Local punk Wade Franklin discovered an ingenious method of protecting his home by hiding his spare house key under a possum that died on his front porch, neighbors reported.
“I was caught between a rock and hard place. I was leaving my spare house key under rocks or flower pots for my weed guy, but six times now some assholes found it and let themselves in and ate all the Gushers and Fruit Rolls-Up I’d been saving. Then five days ago this possum up and died on my porch, and I took it as an omen,” said Franklin. “Ever since I started putting my key under this bloated roadkill, we haven’t had a single break-in. I like to think he gave his life choking on my garbage to protect the beer in my fridge.”
Franklin’s housemate was relieved the break-ins had stopped but questioned the long-term plan for keeping the house secure.
“I’m happy that we have some peace of mind, I just wish it didn’t involve the rancid stench of death. Frankly, I think the smell from the possum is creating a natural security fence because nobody has come within 30 feet of our porch since its eyeballs rotted out. The guy that delivers the mail threw up when he saw it and has been leaving our letters on the sidewalk for the past three days” said Caitlin Smith. “The irony is that my friend who watches my cat has to get into the house climbing up the lattice to my second-story window in the back because she won’t go near our front door. I guess we’ll just have to wait until it becomes a skeleton before we can invite people over.”
Local animal control experts are stumped by how many people have been employing unconventional, but organic methods of securing their property.
“It used to be as simple as throwing animal carcasses into the back of my truck but now folks want to keep the damn things, and not even to eat them! Half the time we arrive for a pickup there’s someone hauling a gopher back onto their property to use as a paperweight or some bullshit,” said Louis Becker. “Hiding keys under carcasses isn’t crazy when I think about the guy I saw keeping his bike inside a dead horse instead of just locking it away. Nobody is gonna come near that thing.”
As of press time, Franklin’s security measures received an unexpected boost after deterring a would-be burglar who fled the scene in disgust at the site of hundreds of maggots pouring out of the possum’s mouth.