Christmas season is here, and that makes it the perfect time to revisit the Disney holiday classic “The Nightmare Before Christmas.” It’s the touching story of a time when the citizens of Halloween Town decided to try their hand at Christmas. It goes haywire of course, but Santa saves the day, everyone learns a valuable lesson, and the residents of Halloweentown presumably resume their evil, murderous activities.
We’re tired of these monsters getting a pass just because they’re into singing and pageantry. Halloween Town is populated exclusively by unholy creatures who cause death and carnage wherever they go. We’ve decided it’s time to set the record straight. Here’s every character from the “children’s movie” “The Nightmare Before Christmas” ranked by kill count.
31. Santa Claus
No, Santa isn’t secretly a monster, relax. He’s a jolly old magical man who delivers presents to children all over the world just like everyone thinks he is. We include him only because he is a major character, but at best, Santa has only murdered about a dozen people in the name of delivering gifts.
30. Black cat
The cat is pretty much just a cat and has killed no more people than any other black cat in the world, which is to say somewhere between 10 and 20 babies by stealing their breath in the middle of the night.
29. Melting Man
Believe it or not, he’s just a regular guy who happens to be melting. Unfortunately, due to his hideous appearance, Halloween Town is the only place that will have him. He’s killed 11 people, but they were all in self-defense against the various lynch mobs that descended on him whenever he tried to settle down in a normal place.
28. Mr. Hyde
Despite his infamous namesake, Hyde has only killed about a baker’s dozen people, and almost all of them weren’t children. That’s practically being a saint in Halloween Town, a den of horrors. The same can’t be said for the little guy hiding under the hat of the little guy hiding under Hydes’ hat though. That little dude will murder your whole family for fun.
Frankenstein has murdered 18 people in cold blood, not a high body count by Halloween Town standards, but the way he savors and revells in each kill is truly sickening. Just further proof that while the cold hand of science can technically produce life, only the divine spark of our Father on high can imbue a living creature with a soul.
26. Creature Under the Stairs
He’s actually super nice, and he only snatches the occasional child when his natural food supply of bugs runs scarce in the winter.
25. Corpse Family
For a while, they tried doing that “Twilight” thing where they moved from town to town going to High School forever, but people caught on that they were monsters real fast. Probably because of all the rotting and smelling. After killing 26 people who had the misfortune of “discovering” their terrible secret, they accepted that their plan just wasn’t sustainable and moved to Halloween Town.
24. Clown with the Tear-Away Face
He’s pretty redundant honestly. Tearing away a creepy ass clown face to reveal a creepy monster face is like taking off your Jason mask to reveal a Michael Myers mask. It doesn’t escalate anything, it’s just confusing. Maybe it’s the frustration he feels over his failed branding that has motivated him to kill and eat dozens of children.
Legends of the Cyclops’s cruel brutality go back to the epics of Homer, and Halloween Town’s resident one-eye is no exception. Keep your sheep, wine, and man flesh away from this monster.
22. Grim Reaper
That’s right, death itself hangs its hat and scythe in Halloween Town. Still think this is a movie the whole family can enjoy? Technically the Grim Reaper’s body count is, you know, all of them, but aside from being the avatar of fate the Grim Reaper goes out of his way to light homeless people on fire for a sense of control—43 and counting—and the police aren’t even trying to catch him.
21. Zombie Band
They’ve got a Danny Ellfman-like sound aesthetic and an insatiable appetite for human flesh. They really know how to give eating your brain while you’re still alive a sweeping cinematic flair.
20. Harlequin Demon
Part old-world clown, part demon, it doesn’t get any more evil than that, He turns dead animal carcasses into hats, does that sound nice? Is that something a nice person would do? Is this someone you really want your children looking up to? On top of having a Leatherface-like fashion sense, this guy is dumb. You didn’t see it in the movie, but he killed 56 people before realizing a human skull was too small to fit over a human head.
I mean, witches! Come on! Did we all just up and forget witches are evil? I know the term has been muddled a bit what with Harry Potter and spooky ladies who sell scented candles on Etsy, but these are clearly old-school child-eating witches, and everyone is just fine with this? Hope your family enjoys all that popcorn and soda pop while you casually watch them boil a child alive in the movie’s opening song!
18. Creature Under the Bed
The creature under the bed is a coward. Why do you think he hides under there? He’s more afraid of you than you are of him. Still, fear makes a creature dangerous. If he’s cowering under your mattress and you get up unexpectedly in the middle of the night he might just panic and pull you under. He’s done it at least 70 times.
He’s the assistant to Dr. Finklestein, one of history’s greatest and most depraved butchers. You could argue that some of that blood is on Igor’s hands as well, and we won’t weigh in, that’s for history to decide. If we’re just talking people Igor has killed personally, 86 sex workers.
16. Jewel Finklestein
She was made with a portion of Dr. Finklestein’s brain and thus inherited a percentage of his muder-in-the-name-of-science impulses. She only has a small part of his brain though, so the science part is kind of lacking. She once killed 11 people to build a potato clock, which is generally speaking way more people than you need to kill to build a potato clock, like 11 more.