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Nation’s Dads Get Through Art Museum in 6 Minutes

WASHINGTON — A recent study from the National Endowment for the Arts confirmed U.S. fathers zip through the nation’s art museums in an average of five minutes fifty-one seconds, baffled sources confirmed.

“I don’t feel the need to linger just to see what an artist is getting at. My approach is to keep it moving. I see a picture at three or four miles an hour, and I think ‘Okay,’ and I keep walking,” said Larry Kendecker, 53, of Latrobe, Pa., who moments earlier blasted through the Brandywine River Museum in Chadds Ford. “Oh, boy. Here’s another room. More pictures. Any good? No idea. But I know I’m not gonna stand there like an idiot staring at them, or even, whoa, get inches away to study the ‘texture.’ No thanks. My favorite one today was of a pig. I was like, ‘That’s a pig.’ Great, got it.”

Kendecker’s daughter Leanne, age 23, expressed embarrassment and disappointment in her dad’s efficiency.

“We drove five hours for this, and I spent a lot of money putting the trip together. I majored in art history at Penn State, and I wanted to spend some time showing Dad some of the artists I studied, like Andrew Wyeth and Violet Oakley,” said the younger Kendecker. “But once I started talking, he nodded his head and walked away faster than I could keep up. When I saw him again, he’d apparently been standing outside for a full hour and told me an update about the Ohio State–Nebraska game.”

For the world’s leading sociologists, the phenomenon is all too familiar.

“This is the ‘fatherhood crisis’ people don’t talk about. It’s very common, however, especially among dads whose families are present the day of the visit,” said parental expert Dr. Issak Fisher. “They blow through like a hurricane. But more often than not, we see these same dads return the next day, alone, and really spend time with the art, asking questions of the docents, talking with other dads and—yes—weeping openly. If they’re with family, they feel the need to appear stoic. I once clocked a dad exiting at three minutes eleven seconds. But he’s just been assigned art therapy, so here’s hoping he’s able to be rehabilitated.”

At press time, Kendecker was overheard bragging to another dad that his “stint” in the museum included a visit to the bathroom and a stop at the café.