FREEHOLD, N.J. — 52-year-old Hank Quinn’s political opinions have swung violently to the center after being exposed to a non-stop barrage of New York Times Op-Ed articles, worried family members have reported.
“I don’t see what the fuss is all about. The New York Times is a respectable paper, and I don’t think having a nuanced outlook on the world around us is a bad thing,” said Quinn. “I’m just glad there’s one news outlet brave enough to let folks who make a case for enshrining abortion rights give equal time to a right-wing talking head arguing how women’s liberation is destroying the middle class. It really makes you think about how unbalanced the media is when it comes to fundamental issues like human rights.”
Quinn’s children feel increasingly helpless watching their father descend into this persona.
“He wasn’t always like this, I swear. He’s been reading the Times forever, but once they gutted the Sports department it was just a slippery slope right into Editorials and their spineless moderate shills. He’s just glued to his iPad all day being inundated with dogshit hot takes, then turns around and tells me that oil companies are equally responsible for global warming as regular people,” said eldest daughter Melissa Quinn. “Yesterday he began talking about the merits of working from home, and then pivoted right into how it wasn’t fair to commercial landlords who have worked hard to have their dads own the building. At this point, I’ll take him being full-blown MAGA if only that meant he took a side.”
Experts in cult deprogramming have seen a rise in requests from families to help loved ones escape centrism’s iron grasp.
“The centrists are far more difficult to crack than any cultist I’ve ever met. The main problem being that these white middle-aged suburbanites don’t want to disrupt the comforts of their existence. They still want to engage in political discourse, so one minute they’ll start making a good point and then immediately switch to devil’s advocate if it pleases the other party. How can you reason with someone like that?” asked psychologist Jack Elwood. “Op-Ed sections from the TImes and Washington Post are accelerating this trend, and if these ‘both sides’ diatribes aren’t checked we’ll find ourselves in a country full of NIMBYs.”
At press time, Quinn’s children informed him they won’t be coming home for Christmas, so as not to expose his grandchildren to his belief that refugees should just try and improve their own countries.