CHICAGO — Local stoner Zach Murray, who recently purchased a vinyl glow-in-the-dark copy of The Mars Volta’s sophomore album “Frances the Mute,” is reportedly unaware that he’s been listening to a locked groove at the end of side B for two full hours.
“The sound collages that play in between songs give a rich texture to the album’s overarching narrative. Anyone listening to the radio edits is missing out,” said Murray 45 minutes into listening to a looping 6-second sample of chirping birds. “It’s sad that most people have burnt out their attention spans to the point where they can’t appreciate a beautiful song if it’s over five minutes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a third hit out of this Rube Goldberg-looking bong in hopes that it will top off the shred of lucidity that remains.”
This isn’t the first time this happened to Murray, according to his girlfriend Valarie Correa.
“When he first got the record he told me to come over because I had to check out something called ‘Cassandra Gemini.’ I thought it was a new weed strain he found, but it turned out to be a fucking 32-minute-long song he made me listen to. I thought about breaking up with him after hearing the line ‘behind the snail’s secretion, there’s a dry heave that absorbs,’ but he started getting sleepy after a guitar riff started looping a few minutes later. He suspected something was up but when he eventually walked over to the turntable, he zoned out looking at the needle on the glow-in-the-dark record not hitting the runout groove and eventually fell asleep.”
Mars Volta guitarist and principal songwriter Omar Rodriguez-Lopez confirmed that this is an intended effect.
“Yeah, we knew after the first record that stoner prog guys were going to try to force their girlfriends to listen to this 70+ minute concept record loosely about our recently deceased bandmate in one go without any context,” said Rodriguez-Lopez while burying a cursed Ouija board. “We put the locked grooves there to tucker them out, that way their partners could air the weed smell out the apartment while they slept. Works like a charm.”
At press time, Murray reportedly broke his record player after repeatedly trying to get the decorative etching on the F side of the third record to play a track he insisted was hidden there.
Let’s face it, Warren’s knack for trouble and lack of ambition probably landed him in a perpetual cycle of entry-level retail jobs. He finally finds the role he was born for: as a security guard at Wal-Mart. He takes pleasure in busting shoplifters, harassing skateboarders, and screaming at old women who ring up their organic bananas as regular
Let’s be real, Mark’s perpetually stoned vibe and love for pop culture make him a perfect fit for a perpetually rotating roster of part-time retail gigs. He’s the eternal retail warrior, and his loyalty means he is probably still with Joe at the new Empire location that mainly sells Funko Pop! and other collectibles. He’s assistant manager now, but mostly just because hes been there for so long and is best at hiding that he’s dead inside.
Despite his laid-back demeanor, Joe’s love for music and the vibe of Empire Records is unmatched. He’s the type who’d still be behind the counter, recommending obscure vinyl records with a side of wisdom to any passerby. The physical location of Empire Records probably had to move out its lavish digs and into a run down strip mall around 2006, when digital took over. Joe is probably still there, all the more bitter, surrounded by anime action figures and any other physical media people actually buy nowadays.
Gina’s eye for style and ambition would have propelled her straight into the fashion industry, however she just can’t make it as a fashion designer. After a decade as a designer’s assistant, Gina will burn out and end up being a district manager for seven rue21 locations in suburban Dallas.
A.J.’s sensitive soul and artistic talents lead him to art school and living the bohemian dream. However, after trying to make it as a starving artist A.J. briefly goes back to his roots at Empire, but it felt like a high school football player trying to relive his glory days. He stays long enough to get a teacher’s certificate and now teaches art classes at a charter high school in Charlotte, NC.
Corey’s determination, ambition, and most importantly family connections, would have propelled her into a more prestigious career track. She’s now likely a high-powered lawyer, managing a team of associates. She is on Facebook but has ignored all friend requests from the Empire crew. She still texts with A.J. though… just in case.
Debra’s fiery spirit and determination to fight against the establishment would have led her on a path far away from the cash register. She’s now likely a prominent activist, leading protests and making documentaries. Her energy has waned as of late and she much prefers to spend time with her wife and horses in Ashville.
Let’s face it, Lucas was always destined for bigger things than a cash register. With his entrepreneurial spirit and penchant for risky schemes, he’s probably running his own tech startup now. While never outright discussed, it seemed that Lucas, who seemed to be estranged from his family, comes from money.
While not on the schedule to work on “Rex Manning Day” Eddie was still part of the team. Obviously, Eddie OD’d not long after the events of “Rex Manning Day” and the pizza parlor he worked at named a pie in his honor.
“What’s with all those extra strings clattering around on this one?” you may ask yourself while listening to “Freaked Out and Small”…well, good ears on you, my friend! This is indeed the only Presidents album played with actual guitars and basses (the excess of success had clearly gotten to these fellows!) This means that, good or not, for that reason, we must put it squarely last. C;mon, we just made a huge deal about their modified guitars in the intro paragraph, we you expect us to automatically betray our own writing like that? Shame on you! Sure is a nice looking poodle on the cover, though! That can’t be said for a lot of records, even the harshest critics (us) must admit!
For a quote-unquote “one-hit wonder” band, these fellas sure did crank out the good time rock ‘n roll straight on to the end of their run. In their final(?) full length, PotUSA takes the listener on a sonic ride that would be toward the top of this list if the rest of their output didn’t rule that much harder. If you’re down to clown around with these boys, then you’re in for a good time no matter what. On “Rooftops In Spain”, the band sounds like Dwayne’s group Scäb on Home Movies, and on pseudo science-tinged “Flea vs. Mite” gives the impression that they’re auditioning to be the understudies for They Might Be Giants, if the Johns ever came down with the flu.
Even though this is the first album without their classic lineup, this album lives up to its title for the most part. “These Are the Good Times” shows the band not letting the constraints of their reliable set-up not get in the way of great songwriting, and they play around with their set sound with new instruments invited to their tea party, like the addition of bold brass on “Sharpen Up Those Fangs” and breezy acoustic guitar on “Bad Times.” The Prezzes here are more akin to a looser, more party-ready version of Fountains of Wayne, and hey, they didn’t even have to write anything about being attracted to their classmate’s mother. On top of everything else, this one has “Loose Balloon,” one of the prettiest things these goofs have ever written.
PotUSA’s final album with their classic lineup including original “guitbass” player Dave Dederer (an 11-year term, not too shabby for a president!) “Love Everybody” oscillates seamlessly between tongue-in-cheek goofy stuff that would have those Ween boys green with jealousy, and more mainstream pop-punk that sounds like they’re trying to give Blink a run for their money. The Dennis-The-Menace-core “Poke and Destroy” especially dredges up the joy of being an elementary school boy, and is best listened to with a slingshot in your back pocket. This album is notable for some pretty amazing keyboard work that not only calls to mind their ’60s garage rock influences, but the best of Beck or the Beastie Boys.
It’s got “Lump.” It’s got “Peaches.” It’s even got a damn MC5 cover… folks, we’re in good hands here on PotUSA’s debut album. We imagine it certainly slapped a smile or two onto the youth of the country’s sullen grunge-drunk faces. And for that, we salute them a million times over. A whole record full of playful, driving rock that never crosses the line into straight up comedy, enforced by the fact that Weird Al had his way with “Lump” via “Gump.” He wouldn’t parody an already funny song, he’s too smart for that! The man’s got a degree in architecture, for god’s sake!
The answer to the question “Did they suffer a post-Lump slump?” is a resounding hell no. The Presidents barrel into their sophomore album with a cordial greeting in “Ladies and Gentleman Pt. 1” and then light a stick of dynamite that keeps blasting off until signing off with the exact same song at the end. Pretty baller move, and they pull it off quite convincingly! Songs like “Mach 5” and “Volcano” can’t help but worm their way into your subconscious – a pretty simple thing for a band who’s got so many songs about critters and crawlers, I suppose, but nevertheless: II is #1 in our book!
In what has somehow become a footnote in rock history, the organizers of the free concert at Altamont did the whole thing over the next night as a sort of make-good. The Angels promised to be on their best behavior so long as they were once again paid in unlimited beer, terms that Mick Jagger inexplicably agreed to.
Yes, it’s confounding, but during the reaction shots of The Stones watching the first cut of the documentary Hells Angels are off camera, waiting in the wings in case the shit goes down. By the time the group hears the threatening post-Altamont phone call in which Sonny Barger calls Mick Jagger an idiot and justifies murder over a kicked motorcycle even Mick must have been thinking “Should I have hired these guys again?”
It’s understandable that in Mick Jagger’s elite world, even something as simple as a child’s birthday requires some level of security. All the same, it is truly baffling that Mick went with Hells Angels on this one. It’s even more baffling that once again, Mick opted to pay the Angels in beer.
Inspired by the rising popularity of martial arts in the 1970s and the film “The Pink Panther,” Mick decided random attacks would help him keep his judo sharp. Unfortunately, he once again succumbed to his two worst habits—hiring an entire motorcycle club and paying them in beer. The Angels would get so drunk waiting for Mick to walk down the street that they would forget what they were hired to do and just jump him all at once.
When Mick Jagger was invited to become a knight of the realm he was honored, but also a little intimidated. The idea of entering the Queen’s palace knowing it was filled with her own personal army of men who never smiled frightened him. Then he remembered that he too had a personal army of men who never smiled— Hells Angels, whom he invited along.
It turns out that even as a cartoon Mick Jagger doesn’t feel safe without his boys. He agreed to appear in “The Simpsons” under one condition; that a separate team of animators drew Hells Angels just out of frame watching cartoon Mick’s back. The Angels demanded to oversee the animation process and wound up demanding that artists animate a scene of them stabbing Hans Moleman to death. They even made Dan Castellaneta voice the line “I’m not even in this episode!” in his Moleman voice.
Apparently, some PR rep thought it would be good for Mick to be spotted doing normal everyday stuff for one of those “Stars are just like us” segments. Unfortunately, stars are not just like us, and some of them (Mick) bring Hells Angels with them everywhere they go.
They stabbed Lorne, but apparently, that’s not an uncommon occurrence. He’s more machine than man now.
A few years ago Mick finally recognized Hells Angels as a toxic presence in his life. Fearing retribution for cutting them out of his life, and perhaps in a display of waning faculties, Mick turned to his go-to fixers for protection, Hells Angels. Interestingly the Angels did take the contract, and when Mick gave them a manila envelope containing a picture of Hells Angels several Angels stabbed themselves before anyone realized the mix up.