Man Finally Rich and Successful Enough To Accept Internship

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local 31-year-old Tyler Brown is finally financially successful enough to be able to accept an unpaid internship, confirmed sources.

“It took a decade of saving and working my way up to become a senior architect, but I finally have enough to afford a job that doesn’t pay, just for the experience points,” Brown excitedly claimed. “I knew that if I held off my final school credits for just enough years I could make it! Not to mention the internship required five years of experience as a qualification anyway, so I was a shoe-in. All this so I can finally learn how to type numbers into a spreadsheet. This is going to be such a valuable experience. Watch out Commerce Subsidiaries, Tyler is here now!”

The company he is applying for is happy to recruit him.

“Very excited to make him get our lunches as well as sit in for Zoom meetings where we discuss future Zoom meetings,” said Thena Smith, head of recruiting for Commerce Subsidiaries. “At first we were on the fence about hiring someone with under 1,000 Instagram followers, but according to the AI we use to review all the applications, his resume had the most appropriate words and font size for the job. Very important in today’s job market. We can only hope that his true passion in life is working at Commerce Subsidiaries for free because we cannot allow room for someone who’s life isn’t 100% devoted to data entry.”

Brown is among six other interns to be a part of the program, including 21-year-old Brett Roberts.

“My dad who works in their HR department told me this will be a great learning experience for me. That’s why I’ve been an unpaid intern here for three years,” Roberts commented. “Kinda weird to be working alongside an old guy like Tyler but I’m sure we will get along. I’m mostly focused on my podcast where we discuss our hustle lifestyles but as long as our recordings don’t go too long I should be able to make it into work on time. Maybe I’ll have Tyler as a guest!”

At press time, Commerce Subsidiaries guaranteed that the interns were all about to become rich in experience by watching how the professionals use ChatGPT to write emails.

Five Persecution Fantasies That Get Me, a Conservative Christian, as Hard as a Fucking Rock

Posted on by Tim Sheard

As a conservative Christian, I’m no stranger to a good persecution fantasy. The idea that I’m somehow being oppressed despite being a member of the most overrepresented sect in America that controls all of its levers of power is what keeps me going day after day. What you might not know about me is that it also fuels my libido. As such, here are five persecution fantasies that get me as hard as a fucking rock.

  1. Prayer in Public Schools Being Banned

The fact that students are absolutely allowed to pray, and to even start prayer groups in public schools, and that the First Amendment simply prohibits mandatory prayer, has never stopped me from crying out that the heathen liberals are trying to forbid students from being Christian, all while my cock is as rigid as a slab of granite. Seriously, I could go into why I think the rise in school shootings is because students aren’t being forced to worship Jesus Christ every morning, but I’ll start blasting ropes like fucking Spiderman if I do.

  1. The Legalization of Same-Sex Marriage

Of course, it’s farcical that I should feel threatened by the idea of gay people getting married. It was absurd for me to cherry-pick the condemnation of homosexuality from the same Bible book that condemned wearing mixed fabrics in the first place. Tell that to my boner, though, as I’m ranting about how homosexuality is going to be forced onto every citizen within the decade thanks to Obergefell v. Hodges. Fuck yeah.

  1. Trans Athletes Being Allowed to Compete

Am I affected in the slightest by some trans teenager in Georgia being allowed to compete in a wrestling match? Fuck no, but you bet your bottom dollar that I’m writing my congressman about how much this threatens my Christian way of life while manipulating myself to completion with the other hand. 

  1. Not Being Allowed To Say “Merry Christmas”

Oh fuck, I’m engorged to the point of bursting just from writing those words out. I truly don’t even know where this originated, but if I ever utter the words “we say ‘Merry Christmas’ in this house” to you, just know that the rail spike in my pants is threatening to send the green bean casserole careening to the floor after it raises my side of the dining room table. Good thing there’s only one more persecution fantasy left, because I’m starting to get lightheaded.

  1. Democrats Want To Take Our Guns Away

Just the thought of Democrat lawmakers going door to door collecting the guns of every God-fearing American gets me at full-mast. I don’t give a shit that this is a ridiculous fever dream that has absolutely no basis in reality. I’m pearling up over here, which means it’s time to call it quits. Thank Christ we didn’t get to my thoughts on The Great Replacement, because I’ve had just about all I can handle for one day.

Panicked Ben Shapiro Puts Wet Wife into Big Bag of Rice

Posted on by Tim Graham

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Conservative political commentator Ben Shapiro rushed to dry out his wife after she told him of her condition, according to sources at the Costco where the right-wing broadcaster purchased 200 pounds of rice.

“My wife had just come home from her book club when she told me out of the blue that she was ‘wet,’” said Shapiro, still clearly shaken by the incident. “I told her she looked perfectly dry and she indicated it was different from being wet from a shower or rain. I was confused, but I remembered putting my iPhone in rice after it got water on it and figured it was worth a shot. My wife protested, but I insisted it was for her own good. I stuck her in the rice and left her overnight. In the morning she told me that she was 100% dry and would likely never be ‘wet’ again. Crisis averted.”

Shapiro’s wife said the situation was the result of a miscommunication.

“We were reading a new romance novel in my book club, and the subject matter was a little more carnal than I’m used to,” said Mor Shapiro with the appropriate amount of shame. “The story was about an IDF soldier who was wounded in battle and nursed back to health by a widowed Golan Heights settler. I was shocked to find that the scenario caused something strange to stir within me…one might call it arousal? I rushed home, hoping that Ben and I could take advantage of the situation, but he misunderstood and I ended up in rice all night.”

Mix-ups like this are bound to increase as the right limits access to sex education, according to high school teacher Ellie Swindon.

“We’re seeing a rise of conservative restrictions on education regarding sex and reproductive health,” said Swindon while preparing a condom and banana for her next class. “People like Ben Shapiro who were raised in repressive religious environments are naturally going to be bewildered by sex and the female body in particular, so I don’t blame him for being confused. I try not to get too depressed about it, but it’s hard. One of my students thought ‘labia majora’ was a planet from the ‘Avatar’ movies.”

At press time, Shapiro was working on a list of approved books for his wife’s book club, mostly drawing from the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” and “Animorphs” series.

Tiny Desk Concert Not Particularly Receptive to Tiny Circle Pit

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — An attempted tiny circle pit during a Tiny Desk Concert in NPR’s headquarters was not well-met by almost everyone in attendance, irritated sources report.

“I must’ve ended up at the wrong venue, because I thought this was a Dying Fetus concert,” mosher Tom McMillen told reporters. “I got in and there was just this dude playing finger-picked acoustic guitar all frenetically. I appreciated how technical his style was, but I quickly got bored because there were no breakdowns or double-bass drumming. I figured everybody else at the show was feeling the same way, so I decided to liven things up by trying to start up a circle pit. People started to get really, really pissed at me though, so I’m not sure if that was a cool thing to do. That definitely doesn’t mean I’m going to stop, though.”

Fellow concertgoer Miranda Shinoda was bothered by McMillen’s actions.

“I was having a great time until that idiot started running in a circle and pushing people around,” Shinoda said. “I remember thinking he looked a little out of place when he arrived. I mean, most people don’t come to these shows wearing Entombed longsleeves. I’ve been waiting for months to see this show, and by the third song I’m being slammed into a bookshelf by this guy. I tried to shove him back just to get him out of my way, but that just seemed to egg him on. I swear, everytime I attempted to retaliate he just grinned at me. Something was seriously wrong with that guy.”

Classical guitarist Sean Shibe reflected on what he saw in the crowd during his performance.

“That was very, very distracting,” Shibe noted. “The music I play is extremely intricate, so I really don’t appreciate some dipshit with long hair and skull tattoos running around in a circle and bumping into me as I’m trying to finish up ‘Lute Suite in E Minor.’ I’m not from around here, so I guess I had something different in mind when I arrived. I’m definitely going to have to pass on any future offers if this is how people behave in Tiny Desk Concerts. I’m seriously considering demanding to have my gig pay doubled, because I can’t be asked to play in these conditions.”

At press time, McMillen was having a hard time getting others to participate in a wall of death.

Trump To Deliver “I Have an Even Better Dream, Possibly the Best Dream” Speech

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is preparing to deliver a speech entitled, “I Have an Even Better Dream, Possibly the Best Dream” at the National Mall today to attempt to cement his own dream’s superiority to that of civil rights leader and icon Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

“‘Doctor Martin Luther King, incredible dreamer, the best, who can dream better than that guy?’ right? Guess what? I can!” boasted Trump on a phone call with Fox News earlier this morning. “MLK, good dreamer, I’m sorry, not the best. Trump is the best with dreams. I’m having huge dreams, very good dreams, almost every night. One time I dreamt I was an owl, and I was flying over a whole bunch of dinosaurs with huge jugs. I’d like to see someone try to top that. I’ve got- listen- I saved Ameri- there’s- I’ve got a speech that’s gonna dream bigger than anything. The best. They’re gonna be calling it Martin Luther Trump day after today, I promise you that.”

Trump’s bizarre claim that he would upstage MLK was met with immediate criticism online, causing those in his inner circle to rush to the president’s defense. 

“The president has every right to inform the world and especially any naysayers about the unrivaled quality of his dreams,” began Attorney General Pam Bondi. “In fact, I’ve never met anyone in my life who sleeps like the president. Even in his sleep, he’s a leader, and the world will be better for hearing the contents of his dreams, which are sure to put some others’ dreams to shame.”

Homeland Security Advisor and Jewish Nazi Stephen Miller was available to comment on the timing of this speech overlapping with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr Day.

“This has nothing to do with whoever you’re talking about,” said Miller. “Today is just simply about a great man who has a dream to share, possibly a dream involving his struggle or his fight. I’m not here to give the President any notes, but ‘My struggle’ or ‘My fight’ does have a nice ring to it for a speech name. Maybe even a whole book.”

At press time, Trump was said to be roaming the halls of the White House practicing the line “Judging someone by the content of their character isn’t even hot!”

Kid Rock Fan Misses Custody Hearing Due To Bail Hearing

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Jimmy Fetsar missed a child custody hearing because he was at a bail hearing stemming from a fistfight he instigated outside a Kid Rock concert, emotionally volatile sources confirmed.

“It wasn’t my fuckin’ fault!” yelled Fetsar, punching the drywall. “I was walking over to the Veterans Memorial Arena for the show, and I saw this soyboy libcuck in a pink t-shirt that literally said ‘Trump Is A Fascist.’ That commie fuckstain wore that shirt just to piss me the fuck off, so I whipped my beer at him. I was literally about to back-hand his uggo girlfriend, when I got jumped by cops who cuffed me and dragged me away. I was like, ‘What is this anti-violence woke shit? I thought I had free reign to attack dumbocrat liberals because Trump is president.’ Anyway, does anyone know the results of the custody hearing? I have a good feeling I won full custody, but I guess I’ll never know.”

Fetsar’s ex-wife Ann Blihofsky was disappointed, but not surprised, by his actions.

“My ex-husband is a petulant man-child, and it’s why I left him and why I’m seeking full custody,” explained Blihofsky. “He’ll go into a blinding rage over the mildest of perceived slights. Earlier this year, for example, he keyed a Prius because it had a ‘Trans Rights’ sticker on it. He got away with only a fine, so of course he didn’t learn anything. But I guess when your favorite musician has a bullet-laden meltdown over a Bud Light advertisement, and then drinks that same beer a couple months later, you’re pretty much wired to be an irrational psycho.”

Trial judge Ruth Jackson discussed this all-too-common aggression among Kid Rock fans.

“Boy, I’ve never seen such a puerile group of people in my 23 years on the bench,” asserted Jackson. “Several times per year my court gets a Kid Rock fan who’s yelled at a customer service representative for having to briefly wait, or smashed a pint glass on the bar because of a disagreement over the bill. It’s just performative ‘alpha’ males acting out with impotent rage because they can’t function when exposed to even a modicum of decency, and at some point you have to call them what they are: douchebags.”

At press time, Fetsar said that no matter what happens, he’s hoping that his son will still think of him as an American badass, just like his hero Kid Rock.

The Next Morrissey? This Guy Cancels on Every Group Hang

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Morrissey is one of the most divisive figures in entertainment. On one hand, a large portion of his work has been massively influential on indie and alternative music. On the other hand, he’s an insufferable diva who’ll cancel a show over a stomach ache, or the wind blowing in the wrong direction, or, one time, literally, someone eating a sandwich he did not approve of. Lately, it feels like his legacy is going to be racism and the fact that he backs out of shows more than he shows up for them.

Which means it’s time for the torch to be passed. Fortunately, another Manchester native by the name of Jeff Wallace is more than willing to take up the mantle as the next “Pope of Mope”, as he’s already established a similar legacy by famously cancelling on nearly every one of his friend group’s hangout sessions.

Jeff has slowly become the master of building anticipation before crushing the hopes of everyone looking forward to being in his presence. Just like Morrissey, it’s amazing anyone still likes him at all.

The biggest indicator that this exhausting man is the next Mozfather occurred last week when, after multiple cancellations, he announced a three-night blowout at his house, inviting every friend and acquaintance in his social circle. And yet upon arrival, they all found the lights off, doors locked, and a hastily written sign about having pneumonia. Heaven knows everyone involved is miserable now.

“Honestly, we thought about kicking him out of our circle of friends permanently, but Jeff used to be cool as hell. Like he was super funny and self-deprecating, we’d be quoting him when he wasn’t even around,” said longtime friend Margo Robbins. “Maybe he’s still like that, but it’s been so long since he actually showed up, the only interactions we have with him are seeing him complain online about how nobody likes him.”

“It’s not like I don’t want to see my friends, it’s just that the thought of interacting with another human being makes me want to vomit, plus if the place I’m going doesn’t have the thermostat set at exactly 71 degrees, I get a terrible headache,” said Wallace in his defence.

It takes a lot of balls to repeatedly make a big deal out of showing up to the bar, promising to buy everyone drinks and running the karaoke machine, only to show up for 45 seconds and look into the bar from across the street and disappear into the night. But that’s show business, apparently?

Scantily Clad, Greased up Beefcake Sick of People Thinking He’s in Manowar

Posted on by Steve Packosky

AUBURN, N.Y. — Local greased up beefcake Roger Bornecki expressed his frustration at people’s continuous mistaking of him for a member of Manowar simply because he dresses like Conan the Barbarian and carries a sword everywhere, sources report.

“This is just getting ridiculous,” the total stud complained as he lathered a fresh layer of Vaseline over his rippling pecs and beautifully tanned, bulging biceps. “Just because I like to pump iron and dress a little unconventionally, people think I’m in some heavy metal band from this town that I’ve never even heard of. Just a few minutes ago, some guy yelled ‘other bands play, MANOWAR KILLS!’ while fist-bumping me. What the fuck does that even mean? Can’t I just put on my loincloth and run errands without being bothered? Honestly, I need to finish up my grocery shopping and run to the gym to work on my quads, so it would be nice if I could do that undisturbed.”

Bystander Phil Srisuwan was one of the people who had mistaken the toned Adonis for a member of Manowar.

“Oh shit, that guy’s not in Manowar?” Srisuwan said. “My bad, dude. I’m a huge metalhead and I just moved to this town. I know Manowar is from here, so I was totally stoked when I saw that nearly naked hunk walking down the street while holding a sword. I’ve already texted all of my metal friends that I just met a member of Manowar, so now I’m going to have to clarify that that didn’t actually happen. No wonder he just gave me this confused and irritated look when I screamed ‘death to false metal!’ at him. At least now I don’t think the guys in the band are huge dicks anymore.”

Manowar bassist/guitarist Joey DeMaio was also aggravated at the misunderstandings.

“Why do people think that every perfectly sculpted slab of beef walking shirtless down the street is in my band?” DeMaio lamented. “It takes more than a mouth-watering set of abs, perfectly shaped traps, slick, beautifully bronzed skin, and a savage and primitive wardrobe to play in Manowar, I can tell you that much. I’ve been in this band since 1980, and if every muscular mass of man-meat in this town was a bandmate of mine, we’d have more members than Slipknot.”

At press time, people began mistaking Bornecki for Doyle Von Frankenstein after he decided to stop carrying his sword everywhere.

Garage Band Blissfully Unaware These Are Best Acoustics They’ll Ever Have 

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

OMAHA, Neb. — Local garage rock band the Wet Tongues are completely, perhaps even blissfully, unaware that the acoustics they’re currently working with are the best they’re ever going to have, per multiple reports. 

“Man, are you hearing this shit? If this is how we sound now, just imagine what it’ll be like when we’re in the studio or play the Sphere in Las Vegas!” said frontman and guitarist Mikey Riley. “When we shut the garage door and Alex just goes absolutely batshit on the cymbals, it’s electric—we basically sound like pros already! At first we were using Sam’s basement, but his Santa Fe’s tone gets all muddled down there with the drywall. Plus his mom says she needs it to ‘get away’ during the day, whatever that means. So we moved to the garage, and man, major upgrade. I can’t wait until we’re playing bars one day, and then, onto the theaters, arenas, colosseums, and even those venues where you get your own sound guy! We’re gonna sound even better, just you wait. This is only the beginning.” 

Neighbors up and down the block are already painfully clued into the fact that the garage will be the absolute pinnacle of the band’s trajectory, but nobody has the heart to tell them. 

“Oh, they’re serious about trying to book public gigs? Like, for people outside of the neighborhood? I mean, okay. I wish them luck, is all I can say,” offered neighbor Lauren Loplin. “Personally, I don’t think there’s a bar or club in town that could make them sound much better than they do right now, I’ll just put it that way. If I were them, I’d book a full-blown garage tour of the US. I’m talking two-car garages, attached garages, and garages filled with John Deere equipment. It’s the only way they’ll succeed.” 

Keith McMasters, renowned music historian and critic, offered his thoughts on the band’s current setup. 

“You know, it might seem humble at first glance, but you should never underestimate the power of the mighty garage,” said McMasters. “It’s played a part in the history of many great bands throughout the years. So many folks get all bogged down in the details, they wanna get into recording studios, arena. But you wanna know the truth? It don’t matter if you ever get to Madison Square Garden. Even if you do, you’ll never get that same resonance as the soundwaves of the electric guitar reverberating through the garden tools in the corner of a nice garage.” 

At press time, neighborhood kids were observed banging their heads to the Wet Tongues’ playing, while their parents put in earplugs and shut their doors. 

Opinion: Kids These Days Learn Unrealistic Sex From Porn When They Should Be Learning It From Bloodhound Gang Songs

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

There was a time when sex was sacred. It wasn’t with just anybody at just any time. It was between a slightly overweight man and a buxom woman on a tube TV at 2 in the morning, and your parents would get a hefty pay-per-view bill for it at the end of the month.

Nowadays, kids just type in “PornHub,” promise they’re over 18, and suddenly they’re exposed to thousands of videos of completely unrealistic sex. They think it takes 15 seconds of P in V for a woman to orgasm. They think a massage parlor spontaneously becoming the site of an orgy is normal and not grounds for sexual assault charges, not to mention a litany of health code violations. And for some reason, they think it’s weird when step-siblings aren’t having sex when their parents aren’t home.

Kids are learning unrealistic sex from easily accessible pornographic materials. It’s stunting their emotional development and negatively affecting the success of their future sexual relationships, and this is just wrong. They should be learning about sex from Bloodhound Gang songs and stories from their sister’s friend Tyler, like the rest of us. We weren’t inundated with images of unrealistic body types and frightening dick shapes. Instead, we learned about the value of finding a woman who can play the harmonica with her pussy, that if you don’t need a mop and bucket afterwards, it isn’t real love, and practical advice like how it’s easier to pick up women who are a bit past their prime.

Having to work for scraps of knowledge about sex made us grateful for anything that came along. We didn’t have to spend time trying to figure out what we’re into. Found a magazine on the locker room floor with pictures of women riding horses wearing nothing but cowboy hats? That’s your thing now. This saved us from a life of chronic dissatisfaction and from wondering why our 13-year-old bodies didn’t match the physique of a roided-out guy named Brad doing Crossfit between shoots in the San Fernando Valley.

Most importantly of all, thanks to the Bloodhound Gang, we learned that sex is as natural an act as breathing. Nobody shames the Netherland Dwarf Rabbit for just doing what comes naturally. And we humans are no different. After all, you and me, baby, ain’t nothin’ but mammals.