Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Man Who Says He Was Born in the Wrong Decade Would Have Also Been a Loser in the 70s

Posted on March 7, 2022 by Dan Kozuh

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local twenty-something Jeremy Harris was overheard repeating the common trope that he was ‘born in the wrong decade’ without realizing he would have been maligned in the 70s as well, irritated friends and family report.

“Unlike other people my age, I am not attached to my phone twenty-four-seven and I prefer the sound of analog vinyl over soulless YouTube uploads,” said Harris while playing a vintage Atari system he bought off eBay alone in his dorm room. “If I was born 50 years earlier I would probably be hanging out with the likes of Freddie Mercury or Hunter S. Thompson rather than these TikTok obsessed morons. People wouldn’t be screaming ‘wash your hair,’ ‘take a shower,’ or ‘stop carrying all those live ferrets in your backpack’ because everyone back then was more easygoing.”

Acquaintances of Harris, however, state that no matter what decade in which he grew up he would have still been a complete tool.

“I honestly don’t think he would have survived growing up when I did,” Harris’ uncle Conrad Mann explained. “He probably would have actually been seen as a massive poser or people would have thought he was an undercover cop. Either way, he would have gotten his ass kicked every day for it. The 70s were rough man and, no offense to my nephew, he wouldn’t have made it out alive. I mean, when I see him at family gatherings in a KISS Dynasty t-shirt, I kinda’ want to shove him into a locker myself.”

Scientists have also proven that Harris would probably not have fit in with people from his parent’s generation either.

“Research has shown that many people who believe they were born in the wrong era would have been losers no matter what decade they grew up,” sociologist Rachael Turner, Ph.D. explained. “We call it the Epoch Paradox. Mr. Harris exhibits all of the telltale signs, from buying what he believes to be period-accurate clothing at thrift stores to only indulging in esoteric pop-culture media for the time period; most of which however has been white-washed by history and are wildly inaccurate.”

As of press time, what few of Harris’ friends remained were trying their best to stop him from purchasing a ‘Shaggin’ Wagon’ with a wizard painted on the side from AutoTrader Classic.

Help! This Weird Old Man Gave Me a Chocolate Factory and I Keep Finding Bodies Everywhere!

Posted on March 7, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

I was minding my business and enjoying a candy bar when the craziest thing happened! A crowd surrounded me because I found some dumb coupon in my chocolate and then there was this whole media circus before I was whisked away to some bizarre tour of a chocolate factory. If that wasn’t crazy enough, this weird old man who was showing us around just up and gave me the goddamn chocolate factory. The worst part is, now I keep finding bodies everywhere! Help!

This is not what I signed up for when bought that candy bar. It was a plain chocolate bar too. Not worth it.

As soon as the old man in the top hat forced me to sign this contract that said I own everything in this creepy place, I, a nine-year-old, am now legally responsible for an international confectionery company with a board of trustees, an accounting department, and a research and development lab full of disturbing blue men who sing about death as they work. That’s when bodies just started appearing everywhere.

Behind a bush that was somehow growing jelly beans, I found the badly decomposed body of a kid. He was about my age. Doesn’t anyone miss him? Where are his parents? It’s probably best they don’t see him like this anyway, all cold with Necco Wafers over his eyes.

Oh dear God, the chocolate river! There were so many bodies. All bloated up with liquid chocolate. Floating facedown in rich, tasty chocolate sauce. Only gas keeps them afloat. And then there was the old man who had a heart attack after being forced to consume effervescent cotton candy. The little men sang at him as he clawed at his throat, the cotton candy burning him from within. Their song haunts my every waking moment.

Oh yeah, there was that French kid who was guillotined by a giant, razor sharp Jolly Rancher blade. That one was just crazy. Also, I didn’t know this place made Jolly Ranchers. Silver linings, eh?

This factory is a maze. I’ll never find my way out. I’ll die here like all the others. Then I’ll never get to learn the joys of running a Fortune 500 company! Wait, what’s that outline against the harsh lights of the factory? It’s one of the little men! They’ve turned on each other now that there is no one else to sing their death songs at. Oh God, they’re crucifying him. No. There’s no use crying to God. He has abandoned this factory. There is no candy here. There is only body after body.

Fans Divided On New Supergroup Crosby, Stills, Nash & Danzig

Posted on March 7, 2022 by James Knapp

PARAMUS, N.J. — Recently formed supergroup Crosby, Stills, Nash & Danzig received a mixed reaction from fans unsure of the group’s future musical direction, tentatively enthusiastic sources confirmed.

“I’m fucking psyched about the new group. This is exactly the band I never knew I wanted,” exclaimed diehard Samhain fan Jack Lefferer. “In my opinion, Danzig can do no wrong. And with an experienced backing band like Crosby, Stills and Nash at his disposal, I think we’re about to get some of the best songs of his career. That is, provided those old geezers can keep up with Danzig’s fresh and youthful attitude on rock n’ roll. Just look at what Danzig did for Elvis. He gave those songs new life, he introduced that has been to a new generation.”

Other fans expressed concern over an apparent incongruity of style between the dinosaur rock mainstays and the singer with a penchant for skull collecting.

“This makes absolutely no sense to me. Did these guys really get burned that badly by Neil Young?” questioned longtime David Crosby fan Ley Slighton. “How is this ever going to work out? Are they gonna write a bunch of folk songs about martian baby zombies? Or are we gonna have to hear this scary hobbit man growl his way through ‘Wooden Ship?’”

“Actually, now that I think about it, that could sound pretty cool. But I’m still worried.” Slighton added.

Glenn Danzig reaffirmed his decision to join the group during a recent stop at Petco to refresh his supply of catnip.

“This music is a little bit of a departure for me, but I think I add a much-needed element to this group. I’ve listened to all their songs and not a single one has a guy ‘whoa’ guy. I can be that ‘whoa’ guy all day. This new project will harness and build upon the talents and abilities of all involved and allow us to create some of the most artistically fulfilling music of our careers,” said Danzig while testing a variety of laser pointer cat toys. “Though our musical styles may have differed in the past, we are currently united in a common mindset — Neil Young is a total asshole.”

At press time, Neil Young was unavailable for comment as he was preoccupied destroying any evidence he had ever worked with any of these musicians before.

REVIEW: Comeback Kid “Heavy Steps”

Posted on March 6, 2022 by Kevin Tit

After almost two decades of helping to shape and define Hardcore music in Canada, as well as the rest of the world, Winnipeg’s Hardcore Pioneers, Comeback Kid, are back with their seventh full-length record “Heavy Steps” featuring eleven brand new tracks that are sure to have you asking “why the hell haven’t I ever been to Canada?”

This is a completely understandable question to ask because I have absolutely no good excuse for never visiting our neighbors up north. Well, let me clarify. I have been to Canada once but it wasn’t planned. My flight to Europe had to make an emergency landing somewhere over there and I don’t know exactly where because the airport was completely abandoned. Not exactly sure why we had to land or what we did there but I vividly remember the location seeming eerily similar to the one from that movie The Langoliers.

If you’re not familiar with this film, it’s a made for TV movie that came out in 1995 and is based on a Stephen King book where a plane flies through a time rift, makes an emergency landing at an abandoned airport in Maine (close enough to Canada) where the remaining passengers and crew are terrorized by flying monsters. It wasn’t the most memorable movie, nor was it even really that good. I mean those CGI monsters straight up looked like shit. Nonetheless, this airport in Canada looked exactly like the setting of that movie and I could not shake the feeling that some poorly constructed mother fuckers were going to come flying out of the nearby forest to kill us all.

I guess on some weird psychological level, that could be why I haven’t made plans to return to the country. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I’m terrified of going back to Canada because I subconsciously believe I survived once and I might not survive again. I know it’s irrational but who hasn’t had their brain plagued by irrational thoughts and fears?

My point is, I don’t actually know shit about Canada and if this record is any reflection of the massive, diverse country, then it’s definitely worth checking out. Regardless of what horse shit ABC family TV movie might have you believe.

SCORE: Five out of Five orders of Poutine.

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White Liberals Quietly Take Down Yard Sign For Tax Season

Posted on March 6, 2022 by James Knapp

CAMP HILL, Penn. — Suburban couple George and Esme Albertson discretely removed their sweatshop-grade cardboard yard sign, which professed unwavering support for people of all races, genders, and socioeconomic classes, just prior to meeting with their CPA, suddenly less vocal sources confirmed.

“We put up the sign in the first place because we want everyone who drives past to know that our house is a safe space and that hate has no place in this home. It’s just that, you know, with the economy the way it is, it’s not like we can, well, you know,” explained Esme Albertson while retweeting a Huffington Post article she didn’t read. “Look, I’m an ally. But George and I really want to vacation in Cabo again this year and I’m just worried we won’t be able to afford the deluxe package if the IRS takes all our hard inherited money just to squander it on some social programs or whatever.”

Friend and Neighbor Deborah Plescoh detailed the sign’s history and her relationship with the couple.

“I remember the day they got that sign. George flagged down my car as I pulled in and pointed at it while screaming ‘I accept you!’ over and over. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m a lesbian, which is confusing because he’s met my husband many times,” said Plescoh. “[The Albertsons] are nice enough people, but frankly, I’m relieved that that fucking sign is gone. Ever since they got it they’ve been acting really weird. The other day I saw Esme give the black power salute to a stray tuxedo cat.”

Tax attorney Diane Fromershon explored the connection between ineffectual white allyship and the prospect of a fat tax rebate.

“I see this all the time. I can’t tell you how many affluent white couples come into my office wearing Black Lives Matter pins and bitching about the billionaire class only to immediately clam up when I tell them how much they owe in property taxes on that new swimming pool,” explained an exasperated Fromershon. “Hey, as long as they have their 1099s, I’m not here to judge. But yeah, maybe they should rethink that yard sign before they complain about the school tax again.”

At press time, the Albertsons had revised the yard sign to include the phrase “within fiscal reason” in parentheses.

Uh Oh: I Watched Euphoria Once And Now I’m Popping Baby Aspirin Under Bisexual Lighting

Posted on March 6, 2022 by Sarah S.

When it comes to TV shows, I like to play it safe. You can usually find me rewatching the classics: Seinfeld, Friends, maybe even a little Golden Girls if I’m feeling frisky. Clearly, HBO dramas aren’t really on my radar… They’re just too intense for my liking and there’s way too many penises.

When all my friends at work wouldn’t stop talking about the new season of “Euphoria,” I felt a bit left out. Of course, this isn’t necessarily uncommon for me since I’m kind of the Ross of the friend group. But regardless, I decided to give it a try and boy, oh boy, was I not prepared.

One episode in and this show’s got me feeling… sexy? Maybe even a little rebellious. Sure, the amount of penises in the first 10 minutes give me a headache. But now I’m popping baby aspirin under bisexual lighting as I listen to Labrinth. Those tattoos I’ve always wanted but was too afraid to get? Fuck it. I just applied 17 temporary tattoos all over my body. And in just two days, I’ll have 10 pounds of glitter from Amazon that I’m gonna sprinkle all over my apartment.

Fuck my roommate, I do what I want now.

I have gone absolutely wild. Last night I bought myself a sparkling grape juice and finished half the bottle after dinner. I stayed up till nearly 11:00 just being a badass queen. I even busted out my old copy of Alanis Morissette’s “Jagged Little Pill,” the uncensored one that I told my mom I would exchange at the store. Who is this person?

Finally, I’ll have something to talk about with my friends again. If only they’d stop ignoring me because I call everyone “bitch” now. Whatever. That’s just how I roll. I am ungovernable and answer to no authority (except my mom, of course). But don’t tell that bitch about my tattoos.

Former Punk Turned Frugal Mom Grateful for Safety Pin Collection

Posted on March 6, 2022 by Ciara Murphy

DALLAS — Former punk and current mom on a budget Lana Spiller is putting the skills she harnessed in her past life to good use by effectively repurposing her safety pin collection for chores around the home.

“I’ve been saving all of the safety pins that we’re rust damaged or covered in bong resin for years, and now that I have three kids whose clothes are constantly getting torn in ways I can’t even imagine, my tendencies have finally paid off,” Spiller explained, who has gone on to upload safety pin hack videos including ‘Fasten your Seatbelts! – Easy Fixes for Car Wear and Tear’ and ‘Tampon, Tampoff? How to Stop that Pesky String from Falling Off’. “For years I didn’t even know that safety pins had a functional purpose, not until my wedding day when one of my spiked bracelets tore the hem of my dress. Suddenly I had a brainwave, took a safety pin out of my ear, and used it to fasten the dress back together. From then on, I started seeing uses for safety pins in everyday situations. They really should think about marketing these things differently, because I bet a whole lot more people would get use out of them.”

Old friends from Spiller’s punk days have mixed feelings about her lifestyle change.

“Being punk is all about finding ways to do things as cheaply as possible, so it makes sense to me that Spiller would be good with money management,” Eliza Nelson, who went to high school with Spiller. “I mean, we’re talking about the same woman who didn’t wash the Sharpie X off her hand for three weeks to get into four shows for the price of one, and successfully stole various non-perishable canned goods from those same shows. Just because she’s using safety pins to hang her curtains instead of decorating a sick jacket doesn’t mean she has lost all of her punk ways.”

Youngest daughter Kaialynn Spiller is eager to show off her mother’s latest fix.

“Kyyle ripped off Mr. Snuggles’ head when he was practicing wrestling, but Mommy made him better again with her magic pins,” explains Kaialynn before running outside to show her friends her Frankenstein-esque previously headless toy. “Sometimes when I fall on the toys my hands get an ouchie, but mama has an old backpack full of bandanas and makes it all better.”

At press time, Spiller was taping together dozens of old show flyers in an attempt to make a room divider.

Photo by Jana Miller.

21 Reasons My Band Hasn’t Gotten Above 1,000 Plays on Spotify Yet

Posted on March 5, 2022 by John Danek

Spotify abuses musicians in myriad ways. Underpaying artists, devaluing music, and gatekeeping playlists are only some of the ways the streaming giant keeps musicians in the struggle. But the most insidious way is creating a class system wherein artists with more than 1,000 plays get to proudly display their view counts while those with fewer look like goddamn amateur hour. My band faces this problem ourselves because of 22 distinct reasons.

Our Bassist Dave Didn’t Regram the Band’s Post

What the fuck, Dave? Aren’t you proud of these songs? I mean sure, we overdubbed all of your bass parts and vocals. And we also changed your lyrics. But come on, be a team player.

Reverse Racism

Everyone in our band is white, and we are tired of apologizing. Literally. We spend the first 10 minutes of every set apologizing for this fact.

We’re in the Worst Timeline

In any other timeline, we’d be Nirvana level successful, according to my roommate who just got a pack of tarot cards.

Our Drummer has Fucked and Ghosted Every Possible Fan

He said that this was a form of “networking” but while he draws a large crowd to each show, they’re only there to yell at him while he loads in. They never buy tickets and I doubt they are streaming the EP.

Attachment Issues

No one in our band has secure attachment styles. I’m not a licensed professional, but I did drop out of an introductory psych class in high school. This certainly hurts our chances to get placed on the big Spotify playlists.

Our Keyboardist Won’t Quit his Day Job

Sure he has a really nice job at a consulting firm and buys our gear for us, but it’s time to commit. We’re going places, with or without him.

It’s a Bug

Computer programming is difficult. I remember how long it took me to nail the CSS on my MySpace page, so it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that Spotify was full of bugs and not correctly displaying our songs’ play counts.

Our Parents didn’t Support our Music

It’s tough to make it when you have absolutely no support from your parents. Mine always nagged me with quips like “Get a real job!” and “Your hair is on fire!” but never compliments about my music.

But Also, Our Parents Supported our Music too Much

But then they would do annoying stuff like show up to my shows and yell out “Woo hoo!” and clap excitedly right in front of the stage and buy me new guitars and pedals. Everyone knows you can’t make it in punk if you are coddled like some premature baby.

Our Friends are Bastards

I’ve always suspected that my friends hated me. This only confirms the nasty truth- they all want to see me fail and go back to my boring day job as an EMT so I can “feed and clothe my daughter.”

Mick’s Girlfriend

She always just sits there, working the merch table and saying we “sounded great.” What do you really mean by that, Mick’s girlfriend?

COVID-19 has Severely Limited Peoples’ Abilities to Stream

The global coronavirus pandemic severely limited peoples’ abilities to go out with friends and stream music together. I’m starting to regret spending 5 years writing and releasing our first EP. Had it come out in 2019, things would be different. Damn COVID.

Spotify is Lying and Afraid We’ll Make it TOO Big

Spotify themselves could be throttling our band out of fear that demand for our tunes will crash the servers. Honestly, that’s fair. I’d be scared too if I were them.

False Embezzlement Allegations Against our Band

They say that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, but I’m not so sure. Just because 3 of 4 members of our band work at the same Build-A-Bear Workshop, and that store has been mysteriously hemorrhaging money at an unsustainable clip doesn’t mean it’s our fault.

Free Speech is Gone in America

Everyone is saying it: Joe Rogan, Dave Chappelle, and other famous assholes agree that our First Amendment rights are being infringed upon. Maybe the SJWs are worried that our truth bomb lyrics about our exgirlfriends will cause some kind of mass hysteria?

The Old Witch in the Woods’ Curse Turned Out to be True

I already said that I’m sorry, Grimelda. I didn’t mean to run over your cats with my dirtbike but please, lift the curse preventing me from attaining musical glory.

Our Band Name is Completely Unsearchable

Typing in our band name, which is three semicolons followed by a backslash (pronounced Sigmund Floyd) returns a HTTP 503 error instead of our artist page. Another example of limitations on free speech?

Nancy Pelosi

I thought things couldn’t get any worse when Nancy Pelosi took a knee in a kente cloth, but this is getting ridiculous.

The Songs are Too Good

Sometimes good art scares people. It challenges them. It shifts the culture in ways that the people aren’t prepared for. I guess I can take solace in the fact that my work will be appreciated more after my death.

Supply Chain Shortages

The economy has been thrown into a state of absolute disarray with the global supply crisis. Maybe a bunch of our streams are currently stalled on some boat out in the ocean near Los Angeles?

Wind

It’s been really windy lately and I can’t help but think it’s a factor.

Man’s Childhood Best Friend and Adult Best Friend Absolutely Fucking Hate Each Other

Posted on March 5, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

PUEBLO, Colo. — A local man’s plan to introduce his childhood best friend of over 20 years to his adult best friend for the past five years went sideways when both vowed to kill each other before the night was over, confirmed sources monitoring the situation.

“I figured as soon as they got together they would start quoting ‘Dirty Work’ lines and we would all laugh our heads off telling old stories,” said Eddy Rios, the man in the center of it all. “My oldest buddy Dave [Palmer] and my newer best pal Kevin [Turner] tried to stay civil, but it went downhill fast. A discussion about the best season of ‘The Simpsons’ devolved into a talk about ‘Family Guy’ and then somehow Joe Rogan came up and that’s when things got heated. I had to separate them before someone threw a punch—they’re both nearly 40 and they can’t be injuring themselves in petty squabbles.”

Palmer admitted that he has no idea why his best friend since middle school would fraternize with someone like Turner.

“That dude is a complete tool. The guy was wearing boots, who does that? I didn’t realize Mr. Fancy was too good to go to the Vans store and use his sister’s store discount like a normal human,” said Palmer who was still bright red with anger. “I knew shit was really bad when I asked him what his favorite football team was and he said ‘I don’t watch a lot of sports.’ I guess I’m dealing with the king of fucking England over here. I completely lost it when he told me his favorite hobby was rock climbing and that he and Eddy go together all the time. I guess I’ll just go fuck myself.”

Psychologists note that adult friendships are often difficult to navigate, especially when trying to intertwine friendships from different eras in your life.

“We have always recommended that people compartmentalize their friendships. You need to have friends that want to go bowling with you, and you need to have friends that will help you bury a body if needed,” said Dr. Ernest Zahir. “As we grow older, our needs change and we start to seek out friendships that complement our lives. A friendship that develops over a shared love of World War 2 memorabilia is just as valid as a friendship that developed during your teenage years when you were stuffing roadkill into a stranger’s mailbox.”

At press time, staff working at the bar were calling for police assistance after Rios’ best friend from work showed up for a few beers and a small riot broke out.

Morrissey Waiting For a Few More People to Show Up Before Cancelling Gig

Posted on March 5, 2022 by Bobby Korec

CHICAGO — Morrissey revealed that he’s waiting for a few more people to show up to the Riviera Theatre before ultimately canceling the gig entirely, sources who were wondering why he was taking so long to call it off confirmed.

“I think a good 50 more people should do it,” said Morrissey while peeking behind the stage curtain to gauge just how full the theater was getting. “If 75% of the venue is at capacity at the time of cancellation you don’t have to refund tickets or reschedule the show. That’s how it works. Sure, I arbitrarily made up this rule back in the ‘80s, but rules are rules. Also, with an entire audience in attendance, I can pretty much get the gist of the performance before calling it off to do something better with my time. Oh, look. Another six people just entered the venue. Almost cancelation show time.”

Fans in attendance thought for sure he’d be going on any minute now.

“This is my fifth time coming to a Morrissey show despite never technically seeing him due to all the last-second cancellations,” said longtime fan Rachel Bradburger. “I’m beginning to think this guy’s never actually played a show in his entire life. The good news is that people are still filing into the venue, the opening band has already played, and the merch table is completely sold out of replica Morrissey pompadours. These are all signs that he’ll definitely play this time, right? RIGHT!?”

Music critic Shana Markshun is a noted expert on the history of artists canceling gigs.

“Cancelled shows are inevitable, but you have to make sure you’re giving your fans a plausible excuse,” said Markshun. “So many bands cancel shows for the pettiest of reasons, like they’re hungover or all of their gear was stolen or the bass player died last night. Others named Dave Grohl inadvertently fall off the stage and break their leg. Don’t be that guy. These people paid good money to see a musician with zero broken bones.”

In a related note, Morrissey announced that he’d be postponing the show, which will be immediately re-postponed in perpetuity.